SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone found any podcasts, Youtube videos, online programs that have really helped them in anything that relates to this journey? WH has Borderline Personality Disorder, suffers from childhood trauma, emotional detachment, severe anxiety and depression (he’s on SIX different psych meds)... that’s the “short” list. He’s been hospitalized and is currently attending a dual diagnosis (alcohol/mental illness) intensive outpatient program, but due to this COVID situation it’s really not as effective as it should be. We are trying to work on things on our own. He reads anything I suggest, but because of all the meds has a difficult time focusing on reading. Watching and/or listening to things might be easier for him.

If you search Affair Recovery on YouTube, there are a ton of videos made by them. I think they’ve helped me, and my WH.

Would love to hear others suggestions, especially about podcasts.

A couple of books:

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is a classic on BPD. It is available on audiobook.

The book Sometimes I Act Crazy is a great read on BPD, but I suggest it more for you rather than your husband. It tackles each of the 9 traits in its own chapter. Each chapter tells a story about a person with BPD exhibiting that trait, then it breaks down details re: treatment options, and also how you as the loved one can cope with it.

There is also a great chapter at the end on workarounds for dealing with the mood swings etc.

I have not been able to find it on audiobook anywhere, but it is available online on issuu. Just google Sometimes I Act Crazy issuu and you'll see it. For me it is the third link down, which says: Manual by maritza1960 - issuu. You can click through the pages to read there. It does come up pretty small, but you can zoom in.

I have yet to be able to find that book in any kind of digital format other than on issuu, so I ended up ordering a physical copy.

Is he doing DBT? That is highly recommended for those with BPD.

There are podcasts on betrayal trauma that we usually recommend to everyone who comes here - episode 21 and 22 of The Addicted Mind podcast, they have Marnie Breecker as a guest. Those two episodes are recommended listening for anyone dealing with infidelity!

Also, the Helping Couples Heal series with Marnie Breecker and Duane Osterlind. But honestly, since your H has BPD, I think it would be better if he focused on healing from that first by really doing the work in DBT. (My XH is undiagnosed BPD, and I honestly think he would have taken anything they said about betrayal trauma as accusatory, and it would have blown up into an even bigger issue. I do think if he had done some DBT work he might have been more open to listening to things like that.)

Once he has done more of the work, those podcasts are a great way to communicate to your WP how exactly this has affected you. It's just those with BPD take things more personally than others, and I worry it would actually be a setback for you if done too early.

There are also BPD specific support groups for spouses and loved ones, all online as well. I think you might benefit from seeing that you are not alone in some of the things we deal with as spouses of someone with this disorder.

Thank you! Unfortunately he was enrolled in a year long DBT group, but that is where he met his AP 😡 (who was also Borderline, can you imagine?!🙄. Now I need to find one online, and he was just laid off due to the COVID crazy so we have to wait on any more therapy.

I echo the recommendation for episodes 21 and 22 of The Addicted Mind podcast and Helping Couples Heal. Both are fantastic resources.

I have also just started listening to Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries Podcast by Vicki Tidwell Palmer. It has a lot of really great information on setting and maintaining boundaries. It is definitely worth checking out.

Third "Helping Couples Heal" (NEW ONE TODAY!) and the two-parter from Osterlind. That two-parter was really eye-opening for WH as to the destruction on so many levels.

I find that quite a lot of the affair podcasts and "help" are from WSes (Affair Revcovery/Recovery Room) or therapists or people who have not been a WS or Betrayed and really have no business talking about this shit. If you haven't experienced it, you have NO clue how hard it is and anyone who blames the marriage has it WRONG. Very few have the betrayed's POV. Which means that half of the time I'm getting indignant at the BS blaming. There are nuggets thrown in too, so I listen. Some that I've found helpful are Robert Weiss' podcast, The Addicted, Betrayed and Expert, and Carol Sheet's podcasts (APSATS (partner) radio and she has one for addicts as well).

John Gottman and Steven Stosny have a few podcast interviews that I found helpful (just search on their names, they don't actually have their own podcasts). I also liked Mari Lee's interviews on various podcasts.

If you are Christian, Lysa Tyrkeurst (sp) did a podcast series called Therapy and Theology, with her therapist and a theologist she works with at Proverbs 31 ministries. Her H is a wayward and they went through false R. I found that series helpful. Her book "It's Not Supposed to Be This Way" was also helpful.

Steven Stosny's Book, Living and Loving after Betrayal is a good one as well. My WH and I have both read it and listened to it. It has exercises for the betrayed to try and heal (ways to deal with triggers and mind movies) and the end is helping couples IF they want to move forward AFTER the betrayed is more healed.

Others I've listened to episodes depending on the guest are: The Trauma Therapist, The Addicted Mind, Couples Therapists Couch, Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Relationship Alive. Many times I'll hear someone interviewed and then just search on them to hear more interviews. (Like I did with Marnie Breeker and Mari Lee).

beyondaffairs has some great tele-seminars that helped me.

Oh wow, his AP was BPD as well?! I cannot even imagine!!

Now I need to find one online, and he was just laid off due to the COVID crazy so we have to wait on any more therapy.

Have you checked out The Skillful Podcast? I suggest listening to it from the beginning, not skipping around, as it builds on previous lessons. I really think of it as an adjunct to actual in person DBT, but considering everything going on right now I don't think it would hurt. They do have a whole series on dealing with Covid right now, but they reference things like DEAR MAN and Wise Mind, so I guess it depends on how far along your H was into his DBT whether or not he would understand that or not.

Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder can be listened to on Audiobook. It's by by Blaise Aguirre MD and Gillian Galen. The subtitle says: "Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy." It's an easy listen.

Marsha Linehan is the mother of DBT, and she has some quick little YouTube videos on all sorts of different topics.

There are also quite a lot of great DBT resources on Pinterest. I find the infographics to be succinct and helpful, especially since I am a primarily visual learner. And you can always click through to the page they were posted on if you want more info. You can make boards secret on Pinterest so that you're not airing that out there for all to see, but it has been a fantastic resource for me in all areas related to mental health.

You can find DBT workbooks that you can order, but without the help of a therapist to guide him through it and to hold him accountable to being honest while completing the different exercises, I'm not sure how helpful those would be.

Edited to add: The reason I'm giving you so much info on DBT and not on affairs specifically, is that these skills can be applied universally to all types of emotional dysregulation, from triggers to day to day life stuff. I also feel like it is especially important when dealing with a WS who has BPD. One of the things we always say is that the WS heals the WS, the BS heals the BS, then they come together. And I don't think that someone with BPD will ever do much healing without fully grasping what they are dealing with and making active choices to combat it.

In other words, the two of you can't come together until he has done the real work, and in many ways, due to his underlying disorder, this work is more difficult for him. DBT provides the foundation for the other work to build off of- without it you won't get anywhere because you'll just get stuck in the push/pull that is naturally occurring in relationships with pwBPD.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 1:29 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]