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He says he wants to reconcile, he wants to drop everything and move, but refuses to break it off by phone where I can hear or in person. He says he will break it off and I need to trust him even though I have caught him in about 20 lies since Easter. I said I would be willing to give 110% and trust him, be more loving etc if he just gives me this one act of good will. He walks around the house all mopey acting all weird and upset and just keeps telling me he’s scared. I’m not sure what he’s scared of. I said cone back and give it a few months if I haven’t changed leave. He makes things so complicated. We have been together 20 years. A phone call and 6 months to try to save the family is all I’m asking for. I know he’s probably still attached to her. That is probably the problem. I tried to be understanding about that, but he just refuses to be honest.

I told him the phone call/ proof of breaking it off is the deal breaker for me. I have to have proof that he broke it off.

Please help me understand what is going on. I’m obviously stupid.

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 1:36 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

This man has had a history of infidelity and lying. Why would you suddenly trust him even if he complies and breaks it off with her over the phone so you can hear it? Why do you feel that you have to be more loving and change for him?

Didn't you just catch him with her a couple of days ago? Why is he in the house, why do YOU have to change?

He needs to go, and you can work on fixing your marriage while he is out of the house being a safe partner. Its not on you to fix this or him. Just a peek in your post history and this behavior has been going on for years with him. What has he done at all to prove to you he will change? Its just going to keep repeating and repeating. He should go no contact with the AP immediately. That shouldn't be an option left up to him.

ETA: You should go back and read your own timeline you wrote. Hes following the same behavior patter again from 2012. So thats 8 years and ZERO change, learning, growth or compassion or care for you or his family.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:06 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

What happened to the separation?

He hasn't broken it off. He's not willing to break it off. He's mopey because you're making life difficult and not just accepting the shit sandwich he's trying to force feed you with a smile.

He is still having an affair. He has had multiple affairs (unless the woman in the Walmart parking lot was also his coworker?).

You. Deserve. Better. Just because you've invested 20 years on this louse doesn't mean you have to invest 20 more.

Hi,

We are separated. He just came over to help w/ kids online school and therapy. I would have probably been better off to do it w/out him.

I feel like he did try to regain my trust from the last infidelity. I kept my heart closed. I was still sure to go through the motions. I gave him sex, made his meals, etc.. Although he was working out and looking really good, I never told him because I was just jealous. I kept think his better looks would allow him to cheat again. Meanwhile I have a poi by stomach from having 4 kids and I need to lose about 25 lbs.

I feel I am guilty of not trusting him and not showing enough affection. However no matter how many times I asked he said he would never put me through this again. He promised he would leave first. But here we are again.

Pink you are right it is repeating. He’s done nothing at this time except “say” he is willing to put 120% into fixing us.

I feel I am guilty of not trusting him and not showing enough affection.

Just stop. Nothing you did caused him to be a lying cheater.

but refuses to break it off by phone where I can hear or in person.

He says he will break it off and I need to trust him even though I have caught him in about 20 lies since Easter.

Any WS who is now being honest or really wants to reconcile with their BS would relish an opportunity to do this.

He doesn't want you to see or hear because he's not planning to be honest. He's planning a "breakup" phone call that will leave the door open, or throw you under the bus, or just take the A underground for a while, etc.

At this point, even if you get "proof" after today, will you even really believe it?? Seems to me like he is probably already manipulating the entire situation; he'll probably give her a heads-up that he's going to be calling her but he won't mean whatever he says.

He's ruining this very lucky and very rare offering.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:49 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

if I haven’t changed leave

YOU didn't do anything wrong .....why are YOU changing for him ? You have this backwards..... please read (or reread) about the 180 in the healing library and see how fast HE changes (or doesn't). Sweetheart, you deserve so much better.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this again.

Very gently, what did he do to earn your trust after his 2012-2013 A? My bet is that you didn't withhold trust - he didn't earn it.

He didn't cheat these past months because you didn't trust him. He cheated because of his own issues, which he refuses to resolve.

Why would you believe a kiss-off via phone, given what you've written about him? From your profile and some posts, it looks like he has repeatedly broken or lied about NC.

I can't imagine what raising 4 kids is like, especially during this period. I understand wanting someone around to help you, but does he help?

I urge you to consult a good D lawyer to find out what a likely settlement would be.

Also, can you do IC? Video sessions aren't as good as live ones, but I recommend looking into why you think you have to change to keep your H. You're the prize. He isn't.

(((lilflower1000))) - a hug if you'd like one

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:45 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

He sounds codependent. Or some other serious emotional issue (bi-polar, depression...). I agree with the others. Time to get away from him.

He walks around the house all mopey acting all weird and upset and just keeps telling me he’s scared.

He’s attention seeking. Mature, well rounded men who value themselves don’t behave this way. Open your eyes and see him for what he is: weak, spineless, immature.

I kept my heart closed. I was still sure to go through the motions. I gave him sex, made his meals, etc.. Although he was working out and looking really good, I never told him because I was just jealous. I kept think his better looks would allow him to cheat again. Meanwhile I have a poi by stomach from having 4 kids and I need to lose about 25 lbs.

You’re blaming yourself for his sh!tty behaviour. It doesn’t matter how you look, he would have cheated anyway. His decision to cheat is not because of you, it’s because of him. I know you don’t believe that but you’re wrong. There is nothing you could have said, done, changed or otherwise. How you look, how you are, anything you’ve said, nothing about you caused/causes him to cheat. He is the cause, and only him!

Here is the skinny.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You continue to be disrespected.

You continue to be the third person in YOUR marriage.

Somehow I wish you could see you deserve better.

R is a gift to a remorseful spouse that comes on bended knee begging for a chance to prove themselves. You do not need to trust or change or do anything. He is unwilling to do step 1 then let him mope his ass on down the road.

Stand your ground and take control of your outcome.

Best wishes

The only thing you need to change is how your handling this situation. Tell him its over between you two until its over completely with her and there is NC. The only time a BS should ever modify themselves is when you are both rebuilding your relationship and doing it to strengthen yiu marriage. He hasn't even atoned for his actions nor dies he feel any remorse for what he is putting you through. He is making it all about him. You deserve better than this.

My H “ended” it with the OW in a 75 minute phone call out of our home. He had the call in his car. Alone. Hmmmmm.....

He was then all sad and mean and nasty because his “friend” was gone.

And six weeks later I unknowingly entered into false reconciliation.

Which is where you are in my opinion. Time to take a stand and it’s either your way or the highway for him.

Because living with a lying cheating spouse is like living g in hell.

Update:

He went to her and broke up w/ her yesterday w/out me. Then came home proud of himself for being honest. I was angry, but I didn’t freak out. I calmly told him that was my dealbreaker and it was over. He then proceeded to call her in front of me. I guess he was telling the truth because she was all crying and saying how much she loves him. 🤮

Then he said they hurt a good woman and she basically said she’ll always have a place in her heart for him..

He stayed home last night. He just went to go get his stuff from his friend’s house and I had a huge panic attack. He was going to bring my son, but said he didn’t want to explain everything to his friend w/ our son there. He took my Jeep, so I of course called mid panic attack and told him I’d kill him if she stepped foot in my Jeep. ( I love my Jeep lol) Anyway that’s where we are. I guess we’re going to try to work it out. The biggest issue is that she works with/ him.

It seems that he MAY finally be telling the truth. He seems to have a good attitude now. I think we both need therapy. I’ve started. Now to convince him.

I really think his mother screwed him up in the head and caused him to have difficulty telling the truth, but that story is for another day,

I think we both need therapy. I’ve started. Now to convince him.

You don't have to convince a truly remorseful wayward. They are, for lack of a better word, adults. If they can figure out how to fuck someone(s) behind your back and hide it, they can figure out that they need therapy, find one in network (if it's covered/you have insurance), and set up the appointment themselves. Because they realized they fucked up and they need to change because they are a shitty person.

What’s he going to do about changing his job so he never sees her again? Until you have that you really have nothing.

Now to convince him.

DO NOT do his work for him, which includes knowing one needs therapy.