SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How much of my life do I give to this man?

That's the real question. You can't control what other people do, but you do get to control what you do and how you live your own life.

As the wife of a long time cheater .. he promised .3 times . said the words I hurt you , I am so sorry I will never cheat again .. first time I had 4 children one an infant ., he blamed me .. the culture was if a man cheated it was the wife’s fault .. 2002 .. I heard the words again this time we did IC /MC .. I am finding out now that he only waited 6 or less than 8 months to call the OW. And resume a EA .. it had been a hot and heavy A for 16 months before I found out .. he hid his A very well lying was part of his MO .. the PA began again in 2009 when he stared to do some emotional distancing .. ie stopped kissing me , when I asked to be kissed he did but never initiated kissing me .. the OW didn’t like to be kissed .. long story short I discovered the A last year he asked for a year to prove to me he loved me ..

as I look back at my life I wish I had divorced him in 2002 ..

today we are back in IC and MC different people .. I still have fears .. he is trying to be the man I thought he was .. we are in our mid 70’s right now I trust that he is trying to resolve his problems .. it is slow going ..

You are in the drivers seat .. you see what your WS is doing .. you can leave at anytime ., there is no timetable .. trust your gut .. my gut told me something was happening but I couldn’t find any proof .. checked his phone etc .. he had a 2nd phone

The OW lived 2500 miles away so they didn’t see each other often but the did talk on the phone 5 to 6 days a week .. he would run to the grocery store for me , bike ride , walk the dog ..when I took a shower .. all times he would talk to her .. she was divorced.. so no BS in her life ., do what is best for you ..

Thank you for responding. I am afraid to trust my gut right now. I have gone overboard in my mistrust and I can’t find my way back. I can’t be the fool again. The sad truth is I could be made the fool in any new relationship, as well. Is that a good enough reason to stay? At least I am familiar with this shit soup and can possibly navigate it better than a new one? I can’t stand this person I have become.

never wanted to leave me, loves only me, blah, blah, blah.

Yes, heard and hear it all the time but I ask...

is ready to be the husband I deserve/want.

I deserve better, everyone tells me so... I know this, but WH has NO IDEA what LOVE, honour, cherish, treasure and to be faithful and loyal all days of our very long lives actually means. He’s never lived it...

Has anyone reconciled under these circumstances? It seems impossible to me.

I rug swept everything until now... I moved out before even discovering the last A and WH came after me all the while carry on with the LAST AP...

I separated from him as he stated that HE can not change. Never will and nor should he.

If WH likes being the way he is, that’s fine with me, just keep away from me and my children... good luck to him.

I was and again I am trying to be my authentic self which excludes him from my life.

Thank you for responding. I am afraid to trust my gut right now. I have gone overboard in my mistrust and I can’t find my way back. I can’t be the fool again. The sad truth is I could be made the fool in any new relationship, as well. Is that a good enough reason to stay? At least I am familiar with this shit soup and can possibly navigate it better than a new one? I can’t stand this person I have become.

That would only make sense if you assume that everyone else is also a cheater and you have two things to choose from: cheater or alone. And honestly, in that case, I personally would choose alone. I've lived both and I can tell you which path leads to the most peace within your soul.

So for me personally, I left a serial cheater. I had those thoughts about "well how could I ever trust anyone again anyway?" and though it's not an unimportant question, it has become far less important to me. Here's the thing, the question is not about what might happen in some vague future relationship. The question is whether or not this current relationship is acceptable to you. Your identity is not tied up in a man. Your worth and happiness are not determined soley based upon who you are in a relationship with. If you're smart, you wouldn't leave your spouse and immediately start in on the next relationship. You would take time to be with yourself and regain your self-esteem and confidence. You would heal emotionally. You would wait until you're psychologically and emotionally ready to entertain the idea of dating and you would be a LOT more discerning and aware of red flags. Most importantly, you'll be comfortable just being you and not need a new relationship. You may want one, but it won't be something that you cling to desperately for fear of being alone. Alone is a lot scarier in concept than it is in reality.

Let's be honest, we were both fooled by people who lied like it was their job. I consider us blameless in choosing these people because there's no way we could have comprehended the level of sickness hiding underneath their exterior. We now know that kind of sickness exists and if you think back, there were signs. Not signs that we were capable of reading at the time because we didn't have the whole picture, but there are signs. You won't fall for this kind of man again if you take the time to heal. Sure, there are lots of other flavors of messed up that could slide by us, but the odds are far lower that we'll let that happen after going through this if we take the time to heal and become comfortable enough on our own to go "I see that red flag/act of disrespect. Bye.".

Thank you. For me, I can look back over this last year and see how I have moved from the strong feeling of not wanting to be alone to understanding that I could be fine alone. I thought I was married and would be until death, so when the basic rule of marriage was broken, I grieved the loss of that reality. As I moved away from that I started to feel like I could have a good life without him. Now, I’m struggling with starting over with or without him: Will he change, can I ever trust him, respect him, love him? A lot of the time I feel this urgency to make a decision and get going because so many years have been wasted already and I just want to feel good for longer than 5 minutes! Unfortunately, it takes time, thinking, reading, counseling, praying, talking and yelling. And, trying to remember that time isn’t wasted if you are working to heal yourself.

Couple of thoughts from an old timer here.

1. What has magically changed in him that he gets it and won't do this again? Did he come to an understanding as to why he was doing what he has been doing for the past 20 years? If so what was it, and how has he fixed it. All cheaters cheat because there is something broken inside them. He has to fix that to be a safe partner for you.

2. You said

At least I am familiar with this shit soup and can possibly navigate it better than a new one?

What's wrong w/ being alone and being fulfilled and happy all on your own? Why do you need a partner? Personally I would be much happier alone than staying in a relationship with someone so broken I don't know if they are putting my personal health at risk.

I'm not attacking, and I don't expect answers but these are things to consider as you decide what you want.

Have you done any IC for you? If not I would encourage you to do so, with someone who is familiar w/ trauma and infidelity.

As far as staying w/ someone you don't trust.... well I can only speak to my experience. As I started to heal myself, I found the only person I really needed to trust was myself. Do I trust my H yes. He had some major tells to his A, a complete 180 in personality. Typical mid-life bullshit. But if I EVER saw any of that again, I certainly would not do what I did before, and that was practically kill myself and make myself sick to make him happy. Now I would tell him to take a hike, because I don't deserve disrespect, and I am queen, and if he can't treat me like one, then he needs to go.

What tushnurse said. All of it!

Devastated Dee and Tush Nurse have already said great things on this thread.

I will weigh in as I was M to a serial cheater. I really believe he tried to change but could not really. That may sound weird but he just did not be able to rewire his brain and he had some underlying mental illness issues.

However, I had a friend who was M to a sex addict serial cheater. He did a total about face. He did tons of work to get help. She told me later he was a completely different man. He is unrecognizable from the same man she actually divorced after Dday so she remarried him!

We were both amazing women who were willing to give our serial cheaters a chance. The only difference between the 2 men that I can see is what they did with that gift.

During this process I have learned that I trust myself and I will be ok. My identity is not in my H or whether he cheated or if he was going to cheat again. This is a freeing part of the journey regardless of if you stay or go.

You get to decide how much life you give him at this point. He should be thankful for every day he has already had and every day he gets. You have every right to decide he does not get anymore at an given time.

Thank you for your replies. I hate this.