SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anger is completely understandable in this. Talk about it, your feelings and emotions. Might be a bit hard talking to WW. Most likely a IC or psychologist., even over Skype l. You don’t have to make a long term relationship decisions right now. Take your time.

Exercise, even if it is walking the block.

Keep WW close, but not too close. 6 years out of a 12 year relationship. Man that is cold, regardless that she has trouble with alcohol.

One day at a time

Buffer

She is still lying to you. If wasn’t ‘just sex’ if it went on for years. That she is still so articulately careful about minimizing and lying about each detail is damning the chance that she is a reconciliation candidate.

(Double Post)

[This message edited by Sharkman at 6:12 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about the words you used with her. As long as your weren’t physical, which is never ok, words, even cruel ones, can’t compare to what she did. To go one step further, if it’s a choice between saying what you feel, or bottling it up, the bottling will do more damage. That may not be the case forever, but it is now after this new discovery.

The alcohol is a lame excuse. It might be an issue in a GNO, or some other ONS, but she worked with him and had much more lucid, versus non lucid hours to reflect on what she was doing. The fact that you probably during this time had interactions where you shook his hand and where around him and her together must suck. For the affair partners it’s the other way. It drives home the illicit nature of the affair and the sex gets hotter. I still harbor extreme resentment that my EX had me meet with her AP.

I’m not sure where or if you have kids in this equation, but I would do some sort of DNA test. Not so you can leave them if they aren’t yours, but to further know the truth. She is a skilled liar and would never tell you. Both a DNA test as well as STD also drives home to them the damage they caused

I think the suggestion to meet with the other BS is a good one. Pull out the timeline to verify. You owe it to her and yourself. It will also give you WW one last chance to come completely clean

Thanks. I told her to get tested....she is supposedly out now doing that.

I definitely said some mean shit but I would never get physical. I don’t have it in me to....and I won’t let her jeopardize my morals any more.

We have no kids. Never wanted them to be honest. THat was something we both shared.

Last night she said I make her whole. I laughed. I said “if I made you whole you wouldn’t have tried to fill that hole with someone else”.

Her sister responded...so she knows I know. If I believe ww she told her sister years ago it happened once and never again. She couldn’t admit it to anyone what she was doing. She didn’t even admit it to herself.

Thank you all again for your kind and your harsh words. Think I found a new home here.

I as well as most others here could write a book with the quotes we got from our WS. “You are the one I love, I was never going to leave you, I choose you and us, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, he meant nothing to me” to name a few. Meaningless just words

I must tell you the fact you don’t have kids actually is a detriment to the amount of trust you can give her. In my case my EX’s biggest fear was losing her family, although she said I was important too. That gave me some sort of relief that she wouldn’t be a repeat offender. The risk wasn’t worth it

What risk is your WS taking? You forgive her, things settle down, no real consequences, and 3 or 5 years later some other guy catches her fancy and you will be back here like countless others. She has ninja skills in hiding what she is doing. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the next shoe to drop?

I’m over 60 years old. I can tell you there are plenty of great women out there who would love an upstanding guy like you.

Separate for a while and test the waters. You don’t deserve a second class marriage, and she doesn’t deserve you.

Last night she said I make her whole

This is the crux of the problem w/ her. She is looking for someone else to make her whole/complete. That's fantasy bullshit. The only person that can make whole is herself. IF she is looking for someone else to do it, she will never be fulfilled, and will always make shitty choices, that will hurt you.

IC for her where she is totally and completely honest. No MC - It's only going to harm you, until she starts consistently being honest, you can't move forward in therapy. This is a HER issue not an M issue.

You need to focus on you. You need to get STD tested. You need to see a D attorney and fully understand your rights, and obligations should you D now or in the future. Get a solid understanding as to where you are at, and what your choices are, not what you want, but what all your options are, and what it would look like.

Hurt,

Since your WW worked for this man I would consider a lawsuit does not matter if it has a basis, at the very least he should be professionally exposed and disgraced.

I would wait until you speak with his OMW before doing so, so that you get the truth without OMW being concerned about her families wealth.

Have you confronted the OM in person? Is he an older man?

Do you know of any crimes or tax evasion or violation of customers/clients trust?

Default Posted: 10:13 AM, May 8th (Friday) View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate Message

Hurt,

Since your WW worked for this man I would consider a lawsuit does not matter if it has a basis, at the very least he should be professionally exposed and disgraced.

I would wait until you speak with his OMW before doing so, so that you get the truth without OMW being concerned about her families wealth.

So..use this woman to get the truth, then file a lawsuit that will damage her life even more?? Fuck over the only person who respected him enough to tell him the truth?

She did this willingly, and jumped right into a full blown affair. She had six years to decide screwing her boss was a bad idea. She didn't. She enjoyed it.

The trust will never be 100%. Cut your losses and find a woman who will love and respect you. One that you don't have to wonder if they are being honest.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:29 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

HBF,

I'm sorry you're here. It sucks but this is the worst club you never wanted to join. Here's a list that I've culled from many other posts here on SI.

_____________________________

Below is a list of what a remorseful WS (Wayward Spouse) should look like. There is a difference between remorse and regret. There is a lot of useful information about this and other affair-related topics in the Healing Library in the yellow box on the upper left.

If a WS is truly remorseful, they:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

____________________________

True R can never happen until your WW admits AND accepts responsibility for what she's done. I would suggest that if you really want to try for R, you first file for D. Follow through. YOur marriage is over. It's done. You CAN build a one relationship, but only if your WW is willing to do ALL of the heavy lifting that's necessary for R to work. That takes, 2-5 years.

I haven't read through the 3 pages of advice & support, just your initial post. But my advice would be for your WW to really follow through with a FULL time line. Verify it with a Polygraph. Tell her that this is nececssary to get the whole truth of what you're trying to forgive. Expect the day of the Poly, if you choose that route, that you'll get a last minute confession...most Waywards do that.

I agree with HellFire. Using that poor woman as a tool to extract information and then throwing her under the bus is unspeakably cruel. They are both BSs and OBSs relative to each of their spouses as APs. Filing a frivolous lawsuit to disgrace the woman's husband and throwing her under the bus as collateral damage after using her to get the information that you are now weaponizing against her...Wow! That says more about the person taking that action than anything.

HBF

She just left me a note that she wants to talk tonight and how sorry she is and that she is here.

How sorry she is.. that SHE is here? I bet she is sorry for that! They usually are sorry they are caught.

Unless, of course, she meant how sorry she was that YOU are here-- that's the issue. That's the measure that she's remorseful, or at least is trying to act like something approaching remorseful. You can only measure how this will shake out by her actions. If she's not actually DOING stuff to make you feel like you won't get betrayed again, then very likely any reconciliation effort is going to fail.

So this guy was her boss. That's so wrong by any measure.. It may seem satisfying to notify the human resources division of their old job, but I don't advocate impoverishing his wife at all. She's been your unseen friend in this whole thing. She doesn't want to stand for any more of this bullshit and is trying to do what so many of us recommend-- expose the affair, blow up the cheater's world. Well, she has accomplished this, hasn't she? At least you won't be living a lie, now. You KNOW what you are dealing with. If at all possible, meet with the other betrayed spouse. Compare notes. Make damned sure your wife knows you are doing this. You might pressure her into telling you stuff you didn't know. In the long run, she'll only reveal what she's forced to reveal. They never give anything away out of guilt.

What you do from here, that's on you. I'm not a big believer in third chances, and that's what this would be. After the second betrayal, the feeling of being played for a chump is hard to shake. We're all different people, but this internet stranger couldn't do it a third time. ON a positive note, I admire your mindset. You are understanding that you can't really change her. Part of the risk of that realization is that you might not really want to be married to what she really is. She's shown you who she is by her actions, even if her words are frantically trying to depict her as something else.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:50 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

She probably still isn't telling you the truth. This is not a marriage. Give her divorce papers get a good attorney leave her empty and start over. You are not the problem. She cheated for half of your marriage. This will never work. I am sorry.

Another rough day. This morning I woke up to her leaving. She went and got tested like I insisted yesterday. She came back and asked to talk. I said there was nothing she could say. I said I needed space. She offered to go to her sisters for a few days, and I said why stop at a few days? She packed some stuff and left. I know it’s where she went - gps and I insisted on a picture of the dogs as she took them with her...

My in laws are now texting to check up on me.,.so they must know some of the story she told me at least. No more hiding it now.

Shitty part is I feel so guilty for kind of kicking her out, when that pales in comparison to what she did. I did some pain shopping tonight....dug through some stuff. While I didn’t read her journal, or the emails, I know she is struggling like never before. She reached out to a church for confessional, and her therapist (which again I didn’t read as I don’t feel it’s my place to), I saw the subject and dates and times and that was enough to know.

That part of me...my heart...wants to think this truly is rock bottom and she really does get it. But the brain says it’s all been a sham, and don’t believe a word. God this sucks. No matter the outcome, I feel like a piece of shit, and I didn’t do a goddamn thing wrong,

Ohh and to clarify the work thing, the company went under and it was a small place - honestly there is no way to go that route. Furthermore, I would never pull something on OMW- I actually asked her to stop harassing us as we were trying to heal, while in the fake “r” over the last 8 months. In that note I told her I hold no ill will, but her correspondence was a trigger and not healthy and to leave us both alone. Now I am seriously debating a call to her and or meet up to compare notes. Still thinking on that one,

The pain feels just as bad as 8 months ago. Definitely directed differently....more anger than sad....but plenty of sad mixed in, God I hate this, Really wish for a second they could realize what this truly does to a person. I have npbeen on antidepressants for months, and have some “as needed” pills when I start to get anxious....took one tonight and it definitely helped calm me down. Gonna have to call pcp to get some more cause I’m running low.

I told her in my drunken stupor last night ( don’t lecture me, I don’t want to hear it), that I dont feel like I will ever trust ANYONE again the way I trusted her. She permanently changed me.....now I just need to find a way to make peace with the fact that the thing she changed was probably for the better. I was codependent - way too much so. That’s the part of me I need to fix.

And what helps me sleep what night, I ate what I wanted, watched what I wanted, did what I wanted tonight. It’s my house, and I’m gonna do me for a change, I did leave a crapload of dishes to do tomorrow though....but that’s a tomorrow problem :)

[This message edited by HurtbyBestFrnd67 at 11:33 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

Is your WW on this forum?

Yes she is on here. I told her to read the books, the articles, the everything to understand how I felt. One of the agreements we made was not to know each other’s username and her to stay in the wayward side though I doubt she is doing that.

Ok cool. The two threads seemed to match up.

She is a cheating liar. There are so many better options out there. I would say free yourself and build a better life, with someone better.

I guess she isn’t feeling the love over there then? I want to read it and hear her get eviscerated. I won’t let her make me someone I’m not though. I have integrity and said I would give her that privacy....not that she deserves it.

[This message edited by HurtbyBestFrnd67 at 1:08 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

God I swear I feel like the world listens. Then again it kicks you when you are down.

Random texting going back and forth between my mother and brother....I haven’t told anyone anything so they don’t know the hell I am in....turns out a guy in my brothers grade died yesterday. Shouldn’t bother me so much except the guy was 37(2 years older than me), recently married, young kids, and I worked with him all summer every summer for 4 years. We weren’t close, but all that working together we were in a way. Hadn't talked to him in probably 18 years...yet it feels close to home amidst all this.

So thankful for my friends. For the life I built with them. Have a ufc right night tonight with a friend of mine over Skype or whatever.....so excited to get my mind off of shit. Ordering a shitload of food and pigging out drinking, smoking, whatever the fuck I want to do. My life my choice, not hers.

On a funny semi related note, called my EAP program today to try to talk to someone like IC....fucking line goes dead like they are having problems. Maybe that’s a fucking sign too. Finally have The courage to talk out loud to anyone and it doesn’t work lol.

Not looking for pity. Just being realistic. The world sucks sometimes. Thought I knew what pain was. Wasn’t even close.

It takes awhile for clarity to come. You should determine while you may want her you don’t need her.

Exercise even if it’s just long walks help immensely.

Lay off the booze and weed. You don’t need a bout with depression right now and those will just make this worse not better. A clear mind will get you where you need to be quicker.