SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a question to both WSs and BSs about the strange behaviour of my girlfriend of 10 years.

Background story: for the last couple of months I've suspected her of having an emotional and physical affair with a younger man she met at her workplace. I write "suspect" because I don't have definitive proof but her behaviour ticks nearly all points in the "Cheating 101 Handbook" i.e. long hours spent on Facebook messenger, fiercefully protective of her phone, keeping it face down when I was nearby, messages from the said younger man she desperately tried to hide (I wasn't able to read them, but from the headers I was able to figure out they had been seeing each other unbeknownst to me), ever more frequent, long "girls' nights on the town" dressed in her best underwear, sex stopped etc. When confronted, she denied everything, gave me the typical "we're just friends" response and accused me of being controlling and paranoid. As may be expected, my emotions went into overdriven downward spiral and I ended up consulting a psychiatrist and going into IC. I never got any definite proof, foolishly wanting to keep the moral highground and pretending to buy her "just good friends story", meanwhile trying to gather more circumstantial evidence.

Fast forward a few weeks: at the beginning of the lockdown she (seemingly temporarily) moved out to her elderly mother under the pretense of helping her get about (she took our car to do it). The very next day something like "ghosting" started (unanswered phone calls and text messages) and a few days later she came to my place to get her things, telling me our relationship was toast and blaming me for its demise (obviously never mentioning her sidekick "friend"). However, her stuff was too much to take in one day and she said she would come later to pick up the rest. Now, it's been 8 weeks and she still hasn't reached out and come to collect the rest of her belongings. I've been in no contact since (and doing pretty much a 180 on her) but I'm really curious as to the motives of her actions and the uncertainty is driving me mad.

I have a question to those of you who have been in a similar situation (both BSs and WSs): do you think she'd been planning it as an exit affair or is it an impulsive, non-premeditated act?

On the one hand, I'd like to think she's in the affair fog and, once her affair dies its natural death (which I'm pretty sure it will rather soon, because I wouldn't say a youngster poaching another man's partner is interested in anything serious), there might be a chance of R (which I MIGHT consider in the future, if she comes to her senses, owns her actions and shows willingness to work things out). On the other, I suspect it could be nothing more than a narcissistic attempt to still exert control over me by "keeping her finger in the pudding". The third possibility is that, while she never fessed up to the affair, she's ashamed of herself and feels uncomfortable meeting me or dealing the final blow to our ten-year relationship. Which again points to something narcissistic about her personality, because I'm reeling in pain waiting for the other shoe to drop. As I said, I don't know what to make of the whole situation and, to put it mildly, it's not very conducive to my healing. Has any WS experienced any "awakening" that allowed them to at least attempt to reconcile or does the situation look like it's over for good?

You can post this in General or in the "BS Questions for WS" thread in I Can Relate. It's against the rules for BS to post questions like this here in this forum. Probably a good idea to contact the mods and let them know you made this mistake.

Just Found Out would work also.

True, SlapNuts, but WS can't respond there.

I have a question to those of you who have been in a similar situation (both BSs and WSs): do you think she'd been planning it as an exit affair or is it an impulsive, non-premeditated act?

I suppose it doesn't matter. Speculation is just that. Box up her belongings and place them in a corner somewhere, delete her from your accounts and realize she crapped all over you. Time to move on and be in a happier place.

Whose name is the car in?

Pack up the rest of her shit, dump it on the lawn at her mothers and send her a text so she knows. Do you have the legal right to change the locks? Find out your rights.

She is definitely using you right now as a plan b. Remove you as that option.

On the one hand, I'd like to think she's in the affair fog and, once her affair dies its natural death (which I'm pretty sure it will rather soon, because I wouldn't say a youngster poaching another man's partner is interested in anything serious), there might be a chance of R (which I MIGHT consider in the future, if she comes to her senses, owns her actions and shows willingness to work things out).

You do understand she knows exactly what she’s doing?

Right now you seem to be accepting this. why?

They always comeback is a myth.

I'd like to think she's in the affair fog

I'd forget about this if I were you. It's very enticing for a new BS (and I was in the same boat) to want to assign some sort of "ailment" to the WS as an explanation/excuse for the affair, or simply as a way (for BS) to cope with it all.

Whatever the "fog" is, it's not like a parasite attached to her brain. Yes, her thinking, actions, and attitude are different, but the way that WS's are empowered to act like this is that they have a new boyfriend/girlfriend. It changes everything about how they treat you. It's not a "fog." It's a boyfriend.

The "fog" is not an ailment. It's just different thinking in WS than you're used to. That's it.

Yes, it means she can't see how awful she's treating you, how great you are, what an important thing she's throwing away, and so on. In that way, she's "foggy." But it's because she's in a different place now and there's another man involved.

I have a question to those of you who have been in a similar situation (both BSs and WSs): do you think she'd been planning it as an exit affair or is it an impulsive, non-premeditated act?

Who knows? If I had to guess, I'd say more option #2. I don't think most people sit down and write out a plan for how they're going to leave Boyfriend #1 and take up with Boyfriend #2.

If I'm reading your story correctly, I'm getting the following:

1) Girlfriend exhibited affair-like behaviors

2) Girlfriend then broke up with you and moved out.

3) You're now 8 weeks total NC

Is that right?

If that's the case, sounds like this is not an "affair" anymore, or a "fog" you're waiting out, etc. Feels like it's over.

EDIT to ask: do you feel like you want/need more proof of this affair?

[This message edited by Okokok at 6:20 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

She has been gone with no contact for 8 weeks.

What are you doing to move on?

Are you in IC to help you deal with this issue?

I hear lots about how you are focused on the cheater, but very little on what you are doing for you.

It almost sounds like you are doing a "solo pick me dance", which honestly sounds rather pathetic.

Gather yourself together and start living a new life without this cheater in it. Consider yourself lucky you don't have children with her. You actually dodged a bullet.

If she does "come back" exactly what are you getting back?

A cheater who lies, disrespects you, manipulates, gas lights and doesn't care about you at all.

Put this cheater in your rear view mirror where she belongs.

You do understand she knows exactly what she’s doing?

The thing is, I don't really know. It's more like I resign myself to the new reality and accept things as they are but I wouldn't call it "understanding".

Right now you seem to be accepting this. Why?

I suppose it's just very confusing, because before her strange behaviour started, our relationship seemed rather harmonious (there weren't any arguments, fights or such like, neither did she display any signs she was unhappy about anything). So it came to me as a shock to see someone I planned my future with to act the way she does. Besides I'd have expected different behaviour from someone who wants to finish one relationship and start another. More like "let's part ways and move on as quickly as possible". In some way, being able to understand her actions would help me along, giving me the mythical "closure" (as in, "it's all on her and you couldn't have done anything to stop it or change it")

What are you doing to move on?

I've removed her stuff from anywhere I could see it, started exercising, walks and a healthier diet. I also resurrected some old friendships, I went back to my hobbies (learning languages) and am planning to pick up another one once the lockdown is over. Reading forums like this is also great help as it gives me a sense of not being alone in this mess and some hope for the future. I'm now over 40, so finding someone new will be more difficult than for a 25 or 30-year-old. You folks are a great inspiration.

Are you in IC to help you deal with this issue?

Yes, I'm in IC to deal with this trauma as well as to figure out other stuff that may be important on my way to move on.

EDIT to ask: do you feel like you want/need more proof of this affair?

I'm not really sure. Having irrefutable evidence would perhaps put me more at ease lifting the burden of responsibility for the relationshp's end off my shoulders and I would have something material to confront her with if we ever talk again (as a protection against gaslighting). But on the other hand, "if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, ... it can't be a tiger" So, at the end of the day, I don't think I desperately need evidence - it just might be handy in some way.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 12:12 AM, May 14th (Thursday)]

Hard evidence is not necessary. I know sometimes we all want the "smoking gun" of catching our cheater with the AP in a uncompromising position, but trust me, they still lie and gas light even that hard evidence.

In my case, I was lucky (unlucky?) enough to catch my cheater in our bed with her AP. Her response when I confronted her.... "we are just friends". I guess she fucks all her friends. To this day, she still denies the affair to friends and family. Anyway, this is just to show you that hard evidence really isn't that important.

The important thing is that you are not going to be treated this way any more. You must take control of your life, move on and live your best life.

That's why I wrote I didn't desperately need hard evidence. Perhaps I'm a little worried about the things she's been telling her friends (some of whom are somewhat mutual now) about me and the probably skewed reality of our relationship she's been giving to relieve her guilt of what she'd been doing, but I don't have any control over it so with some time and IC I'll let it go.

BTW She's finally reached out and she's coming tomorrow to pick up the rest of her stuff from my place.

BTW She's finally reached out and she's coming tomorrow to pick up the rest of her stuff from my place.

That could be tough for you after 8 weeks of no contact. What are your plans for that interaction?

You're asking the wrong questions.

Many As that start as exit As turn out not to be. And limerence ... is no excuse. A good partner may notice the sexiness (and other attractions) of other people but keeps that awareness under control.

The questions that are best to ask yourself are around healing. You've just been betrayed. You're full of grief, anger, fear, and shame, and you've got to do something to get those feelings out of your body; otherwise, you'll store them up, and they'll bite you hard in the future.

So one question is: what will you do to process those feelings out of your body?

Others:

What's keeping you hoping she'll come back?

What's keeping you thinking about her and her motivations instead of attending to yourself?

If you haven't read Co-Dependent No More, i suggest you check it out. Alternatively, there's a lot of stuff on co-dependence on the web. I'm not saying I think you are co-d, just that you may be co-d.

What are your plans for that interaction?

I'll try to remain as cool and unemotional as I can get. Maybe I'll even help her to carry out her stuff. My goal is to appear polite and unfazed by the whole thing. It's a bit difficult for me to see it as a new beginning in my life, but I wouldn't want to create the impression that her betrayal really shattered my life.

If you haven't read Co-Dependent No More, i suggest you check it out. Alternatively, there's a lot of stuff on co-dependence on the web. I'm not saying I think you are co-d, just that you may be co-d.

Thanks for the recommendation. Because of the reading that I've been doing recently and the work with my IC I'm beginning to realise that what I took for a stable relationship may well have been a case of narcissistic abuse with me as a co-dependent. I have just reached the final Discard phase as I apparently have nothing else to offer my abuser.

I'll try to remain as cool and unemotional as I can get. Maybe I'll even help her to carry out her stuff. My goal is to appear polite and unfazed by the whole thing. It's a bit difficult for me to see it as a new beginning in my life, but I wouldn't want to create the impression that her betrayal really shattered my life.

Good answer. This is a very 180 approach, and as you appear to know, *the* approach no matter what you may want after tomorrow.

I'd plan in your head that it's possible she'll try to engage you in any number of ways. Think about what that could look like and what you might do or say.

I'd plan in your head that it's possible she'll try to engage you in any number of ways. Think about what that could look like and what you might do or say.

I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to remind me of all my real and perceived shortcomings which led to her finally dumping me (just to feel absolved of any guilt over how she has treated me, including infidelity and all). That might be difficult, but I'll try not to rise to the bait. A less probable case is her trying to somehow string me along by future faking and the like. The situation is further complicated because of the fact that I kept the pets we adopted years ago and she might try to use them as a means to contact me or demand contact on my side.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 11:14 AM, May 14th (Thursday)]

I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to remind me of all my real and perceived shortcomings which led to her finally dumping me (just to feel absolved of any guilt over how she has treated me, including infidelity and all). That might be difficult, but I'll try not to rise to the bait.

No arguing or fighting.

The best thing you can do in that situation is remain cool, calm, and collected. Responses like "ok" or "Thanks for sharing that perspective" are much better for you than "No, *you're* the one with shortcomings!" and so on.

Not taking the bait actually strengthens you no matter what happens.

A less probable case is her trying to somehow string me along by future faking and the like. The situation is further complicated because of the fact that I kept the pets we adopted years ago and she might try to use them as a means to contact me or demand contact on my side.

Could happen, though. She goes in for a hug or a kiss, or wants to talk about the relationship, what do you think you'll do?