SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If she is a Narc like you suspect, she will probably try and get a response from you in any number of ways. Narcs need to know that they still have control of any given situation or relationship. It is best to try and not show any emotional response as much as possible.

When she arrives, tell her that this has to be completed quickly, you have other plans within an hour. She doesn't need to know what those other plans are, just that you need to move this along quickly. It takes control of the situation away from the Narc, and it will drive her nuts while expediting this highly emotional time by for you.

If you have a friend that can be there with you, even better. Especially if your XSO is not familiar with this person.

Stay Strong and Good luck.

She goes in for a hug or a kiss, or wants to talk about the relationship, what do you think you'll do?

Now, this one I didn't think about and I'll gladly defer to your opinion :-). What do YOU suggest I do in that case?

Pack up her stuff and put it outside. No need for personal interaction.

I think your strongest response to things like that is one or more of the following:

1) "No thank you"

2) "I'll have to think about that"

3) "I'm not ready for that right now"

4) "This doesn't seem appropriate if you have a boyfriend"

~

That last one is *the* most engaging of the four, and I'd defer to the first three if possible.

In my opinion, acting this way (no matter HOW MUCH in the moment you may want that hug or conversation), strengthens you *even if* you decide down the road that somehow a reconciliation is in the cards.

And of course, it's the strongest if you're continuing toward complete done-ness.

~

All of that said, you have to follow your own heart and do what works for you. When my WW was moving out for the last time, I remember talking through this exact scenario here...what would I do on the day she finally left? Oblige if she goes in for a hug??

Someone commented "don't give her the satisfaction," yada yada yada.

This is *not* about her "satisfaction," and I said as much. I couldn't have cared less about what she thought, and it was important to me to live and express myself authentically no matter what I did (hug or not).

Not sure where you're at mentally with all of that, but there are a bunch of my thoughts on the subject.

[This message edited by Okokok at 12:18 PM, May 14th (Thursday)]

In my opinion, acting this way (no matter HOW MUCH in the moment you may want that hug or conversation), strengthens you *even if* you decide down the road that somehow a reconciliation is in the cards.

The more I think about it and the more I read this forum, the less I think reconciliation is in the cards. I have a growing suspicion that my XSO is indeed on the narcissistic spectrum (and I am a co-dependent) and any reconciliation is doomed to fail or/and will take a huge toll on my emotional health down the road.

I think I might give her the "satisfaction" of a hug or kiss, but if she were to try to engage me in any conversation about the relationship I'd probably request that we return to the subject in a few months if she's still interested (and by which time she'll probably have forgotten or changed her mind). Anyway, I'm eternally grateful to everyone for their insight and support in this difficult time.

I stopped at thatbpguy's first post because that's what I would recommend, too. Affair or not (sounds like one), she's disrespecting you left and right. Shuffle her out of your life and do the usual post-affair healing, i.e. exercise, meditation, distractions, socializing, etc.

Why are you even "waiting" for her to come to her senses and wait until her A comes to an end, stop being plan B and move on, you deserve so much better. You shouldn't even take her back even if she offered, life typically gets more complicated, you dodged a bullet by not marrying her or having kids. She already ended the relationship so the logical thing for you to do is to accept it and move on, you don't even have to remain friends with her, simply "ghost her" the same way she did, block her from your phone, social media, etc, don't forget to get tested for STDs just in case.

I think I might give her the "satisfaction" of a hug or kiss,

You are not fooling anyone with this. YOU are the one who is hoping for this. You are hoping that this will give you an opening to hug and kiss her more, which you hope will bring her back to you, win her back.

A big can of Nope. Stop that delusional thinking.

By entertaining those types of thoughts, you are starting to smoke the Hopium pipe. Hopium will not help you with a wayward. In fact, they will see you as a weakling, and will make their case to leave even stronger.

Why even consider taking back someone who has no respect for you or the relationship?

Even if she does not have another boyfriend, the way that she is treating you is not that of a caring partner.

By entertaining those types of thoughts, you are starting to smoke the Hopium pipe. Hopium will not help you with a wayward.

You're right. I think that hopium is some sort of residue of the regret of "what could have been". I strongly believe it will diminish as time goes by. In my mother tongue we have a saying "Hope is the mother of fools" but I absolve myself a little here, because I'm still in the stage where my ability to think logically (not being clouded by emotions) has not been fully restored.

Update: She came to pick up her stuff with the guy she was cheating on me with. If that's not a narcissistic "F#$%k you" to my face, then I don't know what is. My mind hasn't yet caught up with my emotions, but I consider myself lucky for being rid of her.

Great realization, brother.

Don't be surprised if it takes longer than you'd like for your emotions to settle down. You've been betrayed, and that brings a lot of feelings along with it. It takes time to process those feelings.

Don't be surprised if it takes longer than you'd like for your emotions to settle down

I have weekly sessions with my psychotherapist and I'm taking my meds, so I hope it will be somewhat easier and quicker.

I knew this day was going to be rather taxing, I just didn't expect such cruelty. It pains me to realise that the person I loved for 11 years of my life probably never existed in the first place. Being duped by such a mirage is something I'd never have envisaged. Well, live and learn.

I would hold off on labeling yourself co- dependent. My XW is, clearly, a narc. They fool you for a long time, even if you are mentally healthy.

And, yes, bringing that guy was a clear indication she is personality disordred. Lack of empathy is the hallmark of a narcissist.

Once you are out for a while, I think you will look back on many of her behaviors and realize they are manifestations of NPD.

Once you are out for a while, I think you will look back on many of her behaviors and realize they are manifestations of NPD.

I already have: her constant fishing for compliments, her obsession with perfectionism and always being "the best" at whatever she dabbled in, her obsession with outward appearances (not only concerning physical looks, but such things as what is considered proper behaviour or course of action - the kind of Mary Sue approach), the inability to put herself in other people's shoes and dismissing people's feelings with trite pronouncements, her constant criticising other people's behaviour (and mine), her inability to communicate any intimate feelings. Need I go on?

But for the fact that the guy effectively "seduced" my girlfriend knowing full well that she was in a committed relationship, I would pity him :-)

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 1:08 PM, May 15th (Friday)]

But for the fact that the guy effectively "seduced" my girlfriend knowing full well that she was in a committed relationship, I would pity him :-)

Don't be too quick to say this, it might be that your Narc is discarding you and made the move to secure her new source.

Not that this makes your pain any easier. Continue with your counselling and get moving out of infidelity.

Don't be too quick to say this, it might be that your Narc is discarding you and made the move to secure her new source.

That's how I see it. From what I know about him, it seems that he is indeed able to supply certain resources which align with her future plans, so she's probably jumped ship having no further use of me. On the other hand, if she is a Narc (and I strongly suspect she is), the guy might be in for the same realisation I've just had, it might simply take him some time. The "pity" comment was precisely about that, he probably doesn't know that he is a new source to be discarded after running its course.

Continue with your counselling and get moving out of infidelity.

I'm pressing ahead with counselling and reading on the dynamic of narcissistic relationships and more and more pieces are beginning to fall into place.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 12:18 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

Take great comfort in knowing that you had dodged a bullet.

The quality of your life should improve from now onward. No heavy Narc baggage to weigh you down.

Now you’ve got a reall good look at who she really is. Use that to steel yourself into moving on.

Cut off, block any means of contact. Phone, email, etc. No contact will be your best friend.

No contact is up to you no one else.

No heavy Narc baggage to weigh you down.

I'm not there yet. From what I understand, relationships with Narcs operate on the same biochemical principle as addictions, and being discarded by a Narc makes you experience the same symptoms as withdrawal from, say, alcohol or any other drug. So there is still a heavy and painful baggage in my life and I hope it starts diminishing rather soon.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 1:21 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

I hope it starts diminishing rather soon.

It will, the baggage has a small hole in it that slowly lets out the shit it is filled with.

It becomes lighter as long as you don't keep topping it up with your fix on your narc WS. Each hug, 'hello', text, thought, etc, will fill up that baggage a little bit each time.