SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (24M) just found out that my gf (24F) of 10 years has been having an affair with another man (33M with wife and kid) for a year. I've been living with my gf for 8 months now. The nature of her cheating has been emotionally and sexually through online messages. Nothing physical was ever done but that doesn't really make me feel any better when they would flirt about how they wish they were together and she has sex dreams of him.

She met this guy a few years ago playing Pokemon Go and they were pretty good friends. They talked rather frequently, moreso than even I did with her when we were long-distance for 5 years during college (but I don't really enjoy texting, just phone calls). It made me uncomfortable but I also didn't want to be too intrusive, especially because I have over the years had a lot of female friends and it would've been hypocritical to jump to the conclusion that she was cheating. I would even tell friends that I had absolute faith she would never cheat so I wasn't worried. I did believe that he was an emotional crutch for her to an extent, but we would even have conversations about how we needed to work on communication and that I wasn't being as emotionally available as I should have (before you guys bring this up, I know this doesn't mean it's my fault. I feel 0% to blame).

That emotional crutch then became emotional cheating where she was getting what she should have been getting out of an SO from him. We were planning on moving in together after I graduated, especially since it took longer than expected, but I did want to relax for a little bit back home with my parents and all my friends in Indiana before moving to St Louis where she lived. She was getting really pushy saying that she wouldn't be able to handle being alone for much longer and so I fast-tracked the process and moved in with her in September. The problem is that she said she started cheating on me about a year ago so probably around May of last year, so she was knowingly cheating on me while convincing me to drop my friends and family to move in with her.

Before I get much further in the story, I should add that the affair was sexual to an extent. No explicit nudes were shared but there would be teases like pictures in nightgowns or bralettes or playing strip poker virtually and taking a picture of all the clothes that they took off.

We honestly were doing great together. We occasionally had minor arguments about communication or like helping on chores but we were really starting to meld our lives together buying lots of things between us, sharing an apartment, being on the same car insurance plan, and all the other things a couple taking the next steps to engagement do. I was even looking at wedding rings a few weeks ago because I was starting to save some money for it.

Fast forward to two days ago when I rolled over in bed to kiss her and caught a glimpse of her phone where she called him "hun". She's not southern so it wasn't normal. They chatted via Discord and I knew her password because we shared passwords with each other and I looked at her Discord chats with him. I found chats going back to early January. They literally talked every single day, usually boring small talk or about mobile games they played, but I found, on average, an instance of cheating to some degree once every 3 days. She would take pictures of a drink or a meal where I remember where I was when she took them. In April I made a steak and red potatoes dinner for her because she chose that. She sent a picture of that meal to him and said she made it.

In their chats she pretended I didn't exist and he pretended his family didn't exist even though they were both well aware of their relationship status. After confronting my girlfriend and getting her to spill everything she said that she used him as an escapist fantasy where she could be a different person. I asked her why she would send like pictures of a piece of lingerie to him and she said she didn't feel like she satisfied me sexually so she would use him as like a test run. Of all the things that hurt me about the cheating, it's the exclusion of my existence that hurt the most.

So her reaction to being exposed was, in my opinion, genuine and remorseful, but it's clear this was going to continue until I found out because she didn't have the balls to admit it to me. I do believe it started out innocently but she didn't stop it from slowly progressing to something inappropriate. She says she's willing to change and repent to whatever degree is necessary because she says she loves me. I don't know yet whether to believe it or not. She said she will never talk to him again, stop playing social mobile games, let me see her phone whenever she wants, anything to let me trust her.

I'm a naturally trusting person and honestly the trust isn't as big of a hurdle as thinking back to all the moments we had in the last year that were tainted and every "I love you" from her being not wholly genuine. I know I'm really early in this process and I've even had lots of changes of heart in just a few days where I can't even eat and sometimes start shaking uncontrollably. I did love her but this was for so long and so secretive that I told her there is no option but for me to leave her whether I wanted to reconcile later or not.

So where I need is advice is where I'm at mentally right now. I have no doubts about wanting to leave her. I've already told friends and close family, and planning to move back to my parents in Indiana by next weekend. I do also plan on doing basically an exit session of couples therapy with her to maybe shed some light on possible growth for both of us, regardless of our future. After 10 years and a real solid outlook on how we wanted our life to go, I find it really difficult to flush it all down the drain. Is it wrong of me to have the desire to recover from this emotionally on my own time so that a reconciliation is possible? I know that no matter what if we want to get together in the future, I'm not going to be the one to stick out my neck. I already sacrificed and got burned by her so she would need to do everything to convince me she's serious.

In conclusion, I am having a hard time with memories and feelings like I wasted an entire year with someone who didn't love me. That being said, I know that growth is possible. Am I a fool to want to get over this and want her to grow so that we could start anew? I know the relationship would be different, but it's really hard to not at least think of the other 9 great years we had where we stuck it out through really tough periods of long distance, to the point that we were the most rock-steady relationship many of our friends strived to be. I tried posting to reddit but didn't get many thoughtful responses, and many assumed things I didn't say in the post. So hopefully here is more insightful.

You knew her when she was an adolescent and now you know her as an adult. She changed. She's not that 14yo girl anymore.

When someone shows you 'who' they are believe them.

Among other things, people that cheat are: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for you. There isn't a switch that they can just turn off.

Clearly, your relationship in the last +4 years was never rock solid. She met him 4 years ago and continued with the OM even after you moved in with her.

Don't assume you know the truth or that he was the only OM. Cheaters typically lie, minimize and withhold information. It sounds like you were long distance a long time (and she met him years ago).

If she was lonely, she had other options than a married man she met online. Understand that she made a conscious decision to betray you.

You guys are in the easy phase of your relationship. It only gets harder and more challenging from here ....kids, job demands, money issues, health concerns, unmet needs ...the list is endless.

You guys are young, not married, no kids. You deserve better (and so do your future kids) and should just move on and leave this baggage behind you.

Finally: in addition to betraying you, she also chose to get involved with a married man with a child (she not only lacked respect for you but has no respect for marriage or children)

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:47 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Notify the obs. She has the right to know.

Is OBS the guy's wife? If so, I messaged her before I even talked to my gf on Facebook. I don't know any other way to have reached her so that was the best I could o

We honestly were doing great together.

Not really.

Is OBS the guy's wife?

Yes. 'OBS' = Other betrayed spouse.

You sound like you are handling this like a mature, THINKING, rational person. There is nothing wrong with leaving a door in your mind open if she somehow has an epiphany, works to change her ways, proves it from afar before you become involved again, etc.

Most importantly, keep in mind that she thinks it is okay TO POTENTIALLY BREAK UP A FAMILY. To interact on an intimate level with A MARRIED MAN WITH A FAMILY. That, for most, is a deal breaker, beyond anything else. On a smaller, very telling note, she was also lying to him directly in addition to not mentioning you, by telling him she made the meal you made. That, right there alone, if I was dating someone and not married, would be enough for me to call it off. The bottom line is she is NOT A GOOD PERSON. She lies frivolously, as well as in the big league, and becomes involved with married men. You on the other hand, on far above this. I think you know that.

I have no doubts about wanting to leave her.

If so, just dump her and don't look back, dating is a trial and she failed miserably, she made a conscious decision to cheat on you for a very long time, it took THOUSANDS of lies and it would have continued had you not caught her. Don't forget to get tested for STDs,they could have easily met while you were away and/or she could have had someone else on the side, after all she was already cheating, you dodged a bullet.

I read you to say that you are separating in order to heal yourself, and you want to keep the door open to getting back together.

If that's correct, it's a reasonable plan, IMO.

The key to reconciliation, though, is what your WSO does to change from betrayer to good partner.

She cheated because of her own dysfunctions, not because of dysfunctions in your relationship or in you. She's got to change her way of handling her problems in order to become a good candidate for R.

You're ahead of the game, I think. You know that you heal you. To R, though, she has to heal herself, and you have to work together to heal your relationship.

@Buster123

What I meant by that is I have no doubts that I want time by myself. Like I'm not going to stay living here with her and try to work through it while still living together.

@sissoon

We had a long conversation yesterday about those dysfunctions but also talked about dysfunctions in the relationship. She had dysfunctions personally that allowed her to do this to me and she needs to figure that out and fix that on her own time if it's even possible. Considering the reason for the affair wasn't hatred for me or even unhappiness with me as a boyfriend, but rather issues of self-accountability and self-image, I think there's at least a chance of being able to change. I think the fact that it never was physical makes it easier for me to deal with it. But talking about the dysfunctions in our relationship was also important because with me being single, a relationship with her again needs to be 100% convincing that it's a better option than me starting one with another person. Overall we had a functional relationship but there were problems that weren't bad enough to break up over but matter now that we're basically at square negative one.

You sound like a nice and loyal person. I'm sorry this happened to you. Because you are so young, my advice to you is to break up with her permanently and don't look back, and don't leave the door open, and don't try to help her deal with her issues.

This may sound drastic and "flush 10 years down the drain" but the reason why I'm suggesting it is because you run the very real chance of developing co-dependent traits by remaining in (or leaving the door open to) a relationship with someone who is broken and trying to make it work out, trying to help the other person because they screwed up, even though you are the one who is hurt.

Her issues are HERS and by leaving things open that you might be able to forgive someday and get back together, you do two things:

1. You become someone who will shelter and abet people who don't live ethically and who don't respect you. You demonstrate that you will tolerate being mistreated and that your forgiveness is easy.

2. She is denied the opportunity to discover that her actions have consequences and that those include bridges she wants being burned and unusable.

I wouldn't do an exit counseling session at all. If she wants counselling, she can get it well enough without you. If you want counseling, get it for yourself and leave her out of the session.

Work on your recovery, but not because you want to get back with her. Work on your recovery because you need to heal your wounds and move forward in life with the freedom to choose your next partner based on things other than "we've been together already for 10 years, it's familiar, it's all I've known"

I think you should break up forever, for the reasons others have stated.

As one poster emphasized, your cheating girlfriend was willing to break up another family and destroy innocent people, like kids, to get her jollies. This should tell you everything you need to know about her.

It isn’t a good place to be in at the moment. But there are no children, you are not married to her. So it would be for the best to terminate the relationship, you move back to your home state. She betrayed you for over 12 months even while you were relocating to live with her.

Sorry you are young and will establish yourself in a new relationship soon. It is hard as you were childhood sweets but have matured in different directions.

Buffer

Human beings don't reach full brain maturity of the prefrontal cortex until we're in our mid-20's. That's the judgment center. Now, of course we know the difference between right and wrong before then when it comes to big ticket items like murder and theft. But at that age, emotions are still strong, insecurities are still in play, and burgeoning "friendships" are a slippery slope. We're still dealing with the last vestiges of egocentric adolescence.

I think you need to decide whether you ultimately want to be "in" or "out" of this relationship and then act accordingly. At 24, you guys don't even need a reason to end it. You can simply decide it's more commitment than you're ready for. I mean, it sounds to me like you were pretty resistant to setting up housekeeping, and if I go back to when I was 24 (and dinosaurs roamed the earth), that would have blown open my insecurities too. I'd like to think I'd have stopped at Pokemon Go and flirting, but I was a handful in my youth without much proper role modeling to take example from.

I think if you want the relationship, you should stay and work on boundaries together. And if you don't, you should let her go to find her own way. Hopefully, she'll avoid her Pokemon Go buddy, because HE most definitely HAS reached brain maturity and ought to know better.

Whatever you do, I think you'd both do well to read through a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She does an excellent job of teaching appropriate BOUNDARIES and how to avoid the slippery slope.

oerren,

We occasionally had minor arguments about communication or like helping on chores

Anyone who believes that there is a perfect relationship between two people are mistaken.

Any time two people are in a relationship there are two minds, two personalities, two sets of expectations and two beliefs involved.

There are times where all of this meshes pretty well therefore there are few arguments.

Most times though these do not mesh well at all causing arguments.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with arguing but the way you argue with one another can cause agreement and resolution or serious problems.

I think the fact that it never was physical makes it easier for me to deal with

There may be many people nodding their heads to this as they may believe emotional cheating is not as bad as physically cheating.

There may be many other people who are shaking their heads in disbelief to this as they may believe emotionally cheating is worse than physically cheating.

There may be many others who are shaking their heads in disbelief to this as they may believe there is no better form of cheating as it is all terrible.

I know the relationship would be different, but it's really hard to not at least think of the other 9 great years we had where we stuck it out through really tough periods of long distance

Are you sure that nothing else happened while you two were in the period of long distance?

If she was willing to do this while you were next to each other in bed then what was she willing to do when you two were miles apart?

I know what I would like to recommend but I will just ask you this question:

What do you want?

10 yrs is a long time to waste on someone, mine was 17 yrs, but we were married for 10.

Most people on here will say its your decision, take your time, don't make decisions when you're on tilt. But thats to people that are actually married.

DUDE!!!! DUDE!!!!!!! You are one of the lucky ones, even if it feels unlucky. Ditch her quick, and find a new girlfriend. You are young and have no kids. Trust the group here. You don't want to come back on here in 8 yrs and say that you got married and this girl cheated on you again.

10 yrs is a lot of time, don't give her anymore of your life.

Sorry you're here.

I feel like I commented on your reddit thread. Maybe I directed you here, hard to say.

What she did was absolutely cheating and it's her fault, not yours.

When you contacted the dude's wife (OBS) over FB did you get a response? Try linkedin if you didn't. That worked for me to at least get the message across, but she never talked to me or exchanged info, which is a bit of a pain.

You have the right attitude it seems. You are intent on leaving (you should) and working on yourself (you should). I wouldn't even think about reconciliation right now. I think once you have more distance and perspective, you'll make better decisions.

Sorry this happened man. It looks like the relationship is over. Time to lick your wounds and move on down the road.

Why do you believe nothing physical happened?

Your GF did this because she needs other men to give her compliments, to make her feel good about herself. She needs external validation. This has nothing to do with whatever relationship issues you might have had.

The married man did that for sex. I doubt only seeing pictures of lingerie would be worth the trouble. Specially if they have been doing that for more than a few days. If you read SI long enough, you’ll learn that there’s always more. There’s never only one cockroach.

If you ever decide to go back to this woman, you’ll need to find out the truth first.

But you seem to have drawn your boundaries. What is acceptable? What is not? When to say no, even if it hurts and it would be so easy to rugsweep.... You’ll be just fine, just give yourself time

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 8:21 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]