Impacted
So, so very sorry. I very much can relate to where you are. I'm not sure how long you were married or how old your kids are. I am newer here am just a little ahead of you in process so maybe can offer insight.
I imagine you even hesitated to come to the divorce/separation forum - like "do I belong here?"
Just how do you make that first move.....
What Ok said is the truth and I read that before I did it:
It's like jumping into a cold lake on the perfect night. It's hard no matter how perfect the night is, no matter how long and hot the day was. But then you do it, and it's an amazing thing, and you float around, and your core temperature drops. The stress of the day falls away for a while. You come back to shore, towel off, the sun lowers, the fireflies are out, you come home to your made bed and perfectly clean room, say goodnight to the dog, and sleep better than you have in months.
What I would like to add is that what that looks like for each person is completely relative. For me, baby steps are/were best and the very first one was very, very tiny - but it bore the same significance for me as if I had gone to the courthouse and filed papers.
Even after Dday#2, my WH was still sleeping in my bed. I knew at some point in the very near future the separation was looming, I was just paralyzed. I wanted to take control and be the one to begin the process - but on some level was hoping he would force it because it seemed overwhelming difficult for me to make that move
(was still trying to navigate the trauma of discovery and weirdly needed him to comfort me) But then two weeks later, after he claimed to be NC, I found him physically at AP's house.
That night, close to bedtime - I said, "I think it's best you sleep in another room tonight".
I do think it took that last horrible discovery to make me angrier/stronger. I'm not saying to look for trouble, but if you do find something else out, it kind of puts you in that place of "that's it, that's the last straw". Maybe you're already there and just taking your deep breath before moving forward.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done - but it was enough of an event to emotionally and mentally jump of the cliff. I knew in that moment, that if I could do that, then I would be able to be strong enough to not let him come back to the bedroom the next night, or any night after that. For me, that's when I began to feel empowered. When you take your first step, whatever that is for you - it will be empowering enough to propel you the next part. I like SheWrote's idea of writing the steps out..
The next step for me was two weeks later - when we got in fight and I said, "you need to leave this house" and he yelled back "it's my house". But in the morning, he said "I think it's best I find somewhere else to live". I had asserted myself enough that it was the next step. We took our time for a month figuring that step out without telling the kids yet.
How can I ever get over hurting my children and changing their perspective on marriage?
I hear you :( By far, for me, this was absolutely the most difficult step of all - the telling the kids.
Sooo difficult - I actually threw up that morning - but IMO it is the most freeing point of all. I can tell you that you build it up in your mind so much more than the reality, (I even still project that it will somehow cause them to abuse substance or some other horrible thing) and in our family there had NEVER been a divorce. But I know we can only control so much. One word though, HONESTY.
This is going to sound cliche and you'll hear it over and over "kids are resilient" this really doesn't help us - BUT having just gone through this part - mine are doing waaaay better than I had imagined they would be. I think a lot of it has to do with how you will present it - not sure the ages of your kids - and how you follow up afterward, and how you handle each situation as it surfaces. The wise and experienced ones here on SI have advised me that your kids will need you as the BS to be their dependable source of the TRUTH no matter what, because they cannot depend on WS for that. And if they are too young to know too much, at some point they will find out - and may resent you if they think you covered up anything.
IMO - you will not be changing their perspective on marriage. On the contrary - you will be staying true to what marriage SHOULD be. and they will eventually see that example - not the example that you should stay in a marriage based on lies and abuse. Reminding myself of that truth is how I am getting through this process.
I check in every few days with how they're feeling, etc. example: "This weekend felt strange in the evenings because dad wasn't here, what do you guys feel like? I know there were arguments often, and that didn't always feel safe, so I know it's best. But this change is hard for me because it was our normal for a long time so I'm a little sad about tonight. What are you guys thinking about it?" This has so far created dialogue and usually good comes out of it - they feel safe sharing because they see that mom is a human being and not pretending everything is easy and perfect but still hopefully setting the example that when someone is being mistreated or disrespected it is NOT okay.
Let yourself feel everything ((Hugs)) you can do this.
