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You are wasting your time giving her any serious consideration for reconciliation. What you define as reconciliation is vastly different from her definition.

It's just confusing. I'm not sure if I'M even capable of reconciliation. Even with my definition.

Today, I will get some answers -

I'm basically going to recap the three options for divorce - expensive lawyering up, mediation, or self-service. Ask her which one she wants to do. See what kind of discussion develops to move that forward.

As I've said before, Self-service or mediation are my preferred choices. I just want to be able to move forward with the most money in my pocket (and at this point not that I care, but that would end up the same for her).

If she tries to talk me out of it or slow the process down, I'm not sure what I should be saying other than, "You have the roadmap that I outlined in my letter to begin to heal together. I haven't seen you take any of those actions, so we move forward legally". I like this because it's not emotional, snarky or diving into details by instead saying something like, "Why would we not divorce, you haven't even given me his name (or something else), yet alone any details of the adultery" That response sends a clear signal that a) I care, b) I desperately want to know a lot of info, c) she holds power over me by withholding that information and, d) that she can manipulate me.

Thoughts?

[This message edited by BSHusbandWI at 11:22 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

Oh, and Plant update for those of you out there who are botanists or concerned gardeners...

I decided to water only the plants that are part of the landscape in the name of keeping up our investment - they get sold with the house.

All the planted plants (hanging and in pots) are not affixed to the house or landscaping, so not part of that.

I'm not telling her this. If she asks, I will give her a bit of a taste of her own medicine and give her a half truth or only some of the story... "I watered the plants".

And I did, but not all of them and I will not give her any additional details.

I feel like a petty piece of shit acting like this. I feel like that's what she has driven me to.

First off I can't believe she had the gall to ask for a favor. You had to read 7 pages of graphic text between her and her lover, she's shown no remorse and is asking for a favor because she forgot something?!? You handled that well... she clearly thinks you two are "friends."

"You have the roadmap that I outlined in my letter to begin to heal together. I haven't seen you take any of those actions, so we move forward legally".

I like it.

I think your best bet is to keep bring her back the the goal. "how to proceed with the Divorce." Her goal (I'm guessing) is delay and argue. I'd stick to the lines you've learned here... we could talk about that but as I've given you the roadmap and you've accomplished nothing I'd like to discuss how to proceed with divorce....

Please keep your VAR on and running. Please walk away if things get too heated or if you realize it's not going to go anywhere. Just explain that talking is not working so you will email her the options and you need to hear back from her by....

Good luck

First off I can't believe she had the gall to ask for a favor.

Honestly, that was my reaction too.

I had other choice things going through my mind, like "are you fucking kidding me? You want a favor from me? ME?!! The man you cheated on for over FIVE MONTHS? Perhaps your boyfriend could come get it for you. Then I could properly introduce myself... Hi, I'm WW's Husband, what's your name? Oh, before you leave would you care for 3 or 4 really hard kicks to you balls or a baseball bat upside your fucking head?"

Fantasies... They can be fun.

[This message edited by BSHusbandWI at 12:06 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

It's just confusing. I'm not sure if I'M even capable of reconciliation. Even with my definition.

Glad to see you have a firmer resolution and standing on your feet firmly. Your wife was throwing her weight around even in front of your children. May be she is thinking she can return to the pre Dday marriage with her in full control.

your small inclination to R should depend on her full disclosure and showing remorse.

your small inclination to R should depend on her full disclosure and showing remorse.

Yes, for sure. But nothing I can do to control her choices on that.

And there is a lot of doubt how I will be able to handle the full disclosure. Even though I feel I need it.

Perhaps your boyfriend could come get it for you. Then I could properly introduce myself... Hi, I'm WW's Husband, what's your name? Oh, before you leave would you care for 3 or 4 really hard kicks to you balls or a baseball bat upside your fucking head?"

Yesssss. Wouldn't it be nice if consequence wasn't a thing?

This is the perfect time for a sparta kick in the dick... Oh how I long to do that. Sigh.

Also, keep any answers to things as emotionless as possible. Cus you are exactly right - you do not want to give her the impression that she's bothering you. Seems petty perhaps, but trust me you'll be glad you did at the end of the day.

Ellie hit the nail on the head. She is trying to engage you and manipulate. When you react and do something petty to spite her, she will use it to disparage you. Do not engage. Learn: “I am sorry you feel that way.” Gray rock! Look it up. I know how tempting it is to lash back, but keep your eye on the end game. It does not appear she will ever be remorseful. She will never admit she did anything wrong. She is very defensive and has a huge ego and false pride. Detach as best you can and move on with your life. Good luck.

confronted her to get her decisions on how to divorce. UNDECIDED.

She has made no decisions on either IC or MC... And i know what you're all going to say... NO MC... I am interested in MC - but MY WAY... A fact finding mission about the adultery. Then, maybe MC.

I want to do mediation, but she wants to go to IC first, then she says she can decide what to do with the legal aspects.

These are two different tracks and don't need to be made in a linear order (first IC, then she chooses a divorce path). Makes no sense to me... Told her so. What version of divorce- cheapest, cheap and expensive do you want?

I think I might download all the forms needed and going down that path because if she wont take action (which I need for mediation), then at least it keeps it moving forward without spending our life's savings.

Oh and apparently, she "doesn't like the way I was talking to her." I was a bit animated, maybe a bit aggressive, but to the point. There are a whole bunch of things that I don't like about her right now too.

I did say that she seems perfectly happy in this state and not moving things forward and that I was not.

You want something from her (a choice of path) and now she’ll (try to) use that as leverage to manipulate you.

That is how it looks from the cheap seats.

Sending strength!

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:43 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Divorce doesn’t really her, she is stalling to keep you from filing. So just go the route you want and move forward.

The route i really want is mediation and that does require her cooperation.

I guess it's now my job to learn about all the process and forms that I need. - Look something to keep me busy.

Dear WW, since you won’t decide on self filing or arbitration than you force me to go the route of lawyers, by not choosing that is the choice you are making. Just be aware, the price of going that route will be the money you need to restart your life without me. So if you don’t want to have money for furniture, deposits on utilities, rent or moving expenses then you’ve made the right choice, it will come out of the money we would have had to look after our kids.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:43 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

I know you know that since IC was only one thing required on your list and since she is not NC with POSOM and Fun Friend that you need to keep moving away from her, detach and find your path.

Don’t let her string you along w promises. I’d couple everything with statements like “it’s clear that you have no feelings for me or care about the pain you’ve caused my thru your infidelity so I have no other path than the one out of your infidelity “.

Would it be wise and not too expensive to have a lawyer serve her with D papers? You don’t have to follow the whole contested D process if she later agrees to mediation. But perhaps next week spend a little bit of money to have those papers served and show you are serious.

Would it be wise and not too expensive to have a lawyer serve her with D papers? You don’t have to follow the whole contested D process if she later agrees to mediation. But perhaps next week spend a little bit of money to have those papers served and show you are serious.

My state is different.

Most often, no one is served. It is filed and then just sent through the mail.

The thing about her wanting to IC first and then decide about how to D is that IC for her could take years - months for sure.

She has made no decisions on either IC or MC.

She wont even consider Mediation or Lawyers until after IC...

IC could take years with someone as F-up as your WW. She is stalling as we knew she would. You've got to keep moving forward without her. Fill out the paperwork and give it to her with something similar to what others above have suggested....Asking her to go the cheaper route but letting her know you are prepared to spend $$ if she continues to do nothing.

When you are ready you are going to have to stop giving her the option of IC and MC. I understand that you are using them as a way to get to the truth but she would have to be 100% in to use them that way. She's not. She's using them to stall and rugsweep and "pretend" she's doing something...I mean she couldn't even choose IC or MC when you asked today.

Sounds like STBX is trying to control everything. Kind of like her BDSM stuff, dominating the situation.

Go lawyer early regardless of the cost they have the clients best interest. And no I am not a lawyer.

One day at a time

Buffer

Oh and apparently, she "doesn't like the way I was talking to her.

Tell her that because of what she has done you are in a depressed, sad (or whatever word you want to use) state. And calmly ask her to show you the tone she wants to hear.

Also ask her what is she expecting from IC, perhaps R. If she say so tell her your strict expectations