SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, in need of advice

My WH has always been a blame shifter. Blaming me for his affair. We are currently separated. He is a cake eater and fence siitter. Never before has he admitted he’s done wrong. He is not very good at humility or admitting when he is wrong. I’ve always known that.

However 2 days ago he sent me an e mail. This is what he said: i miss everything so very much. I wish that I had made different choices and decisions. But I understand that I now have to live with the consequences of my actions. I wish I had the strength of character I thought I did. You and DS deserve so much better than what I have done.

I haven’t responded and don’t really know if I will.

I’m wondering if he’s sounding me out for R again or if he’s trying to make himself feel better about his guilt.

Thoughts?

I got similar from my ex. I think there are multiple pieces to that. Sure he wants to see if you are but it doesn’t mean he’s willing to do the work. Much of this is to relieve his own guilt and to show the regret he has for the decisions he’s made. Remorse and regret are very different things and the amount of work he would need to do to become safe is is huge. One email isn’t going to display that he has what it takes. If he’s truly serious about it he’ll do the work whether you’re separated or not.

My ex was just trying to figure out if I was willing to sweep it all under the rug if he just apologized. One interesting thing is by the time I ended up in the separation/divorce for him I realized I would never forgive him for the affair or for how he behaved after the affair so it didn’t matter.

Tread carefully he might just be fishing. Focus on you and focus on getting yourself whole and healed and knowing what you really want and can really deal with. He can go work on himself if that’s what he really wants.

If you google how to apologize, there are some key elements which need to be there. I'm on my phone, so I can't cut and paste, but I believe its specially naming the actual thing you did. Then apologizing for that actual thing and taking full responsibility for it. Then recognizing the consequences or impact of the actual thing you did on the other person, and finally, a commitment to not doing that thing again.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but IMHO, your WH is being a weasle. If you read it carefully, he is apologizing for some abstract things that may gave happened, and regrets their outcome. What he doesn't seem to regret are his actions which resulted in a consequence. He says you deserve more, but again, very abstract. In fact, he is carefully positioning himself as the real victim here. The poor man is simply handicapped with not being good enough and now, falling on his sword for the good of the family, he can see himself as the hero/victim again and avoid all that villain stuff.

My STBXWW is a freaking master manipulator who cannot admit wrongdoing. It's a family trait, stemming from deep insecurities based on not wanting to look stupid. Her apologies where masterpieces of linguistic yoga, avoiding any actual admission. Shit, I dont miss that. Actually, I don't miss anything.

He also never apologized or said he regretted what he did because it hurt you and betrayed your trust and broke your family apart - he misses his old life and wishes he could have it back. His guilt and remorse is rooted in how much this sucks for him and not for you.

I’m wondering if he’s sounding me out for R again or if he’s trying to make himself feel better about his guilt.

Both if the R stands for rugsweeping. Also, he didn't take responsibility either. He said he wished he made different choices. He could still believe you share responsibility in him cheating and also think that maybe he could have prevented a D from happening through other unhealthy avenues like getting you to accept your role in "making" him cheat or getting you to accept that he just needs to have As every now and then. His words are so vague, no one really knows what the hell he is talking about. He didn't even apologize!

He's right about one thing. You and DS deserve so much better than a guy who can't even say sorry properly for the hell he put you through and sends you a dumb email instead of taking concrete steps to fix his crap. It's amazing how he made an acknowledgement of hurting you all about him but somehow he managed to.

Here’s the thing. If he really wants to reconcile then he would be actively doing something instead of sending out a phishing email to see where you stand.

I was very strong in my position that there would be no reconciliation. My husband decided he had nothing to lose and started making amends even though there was nothing guaranteed and I was not on the receptive end of anything he had to offer at that point.

In the face of the door being slammed, my husband continued every single day – to make amends. Luckily for him I could see the immediate changes and eventually considered reconciliation.

In this case I don’t know what he’s thinking. However he needs to proactively figure this out on his own without any support or any guarantee that you will take him back. And if he is unwilling to make an effort without some type of guarantee from you, then maybe he is not worthy of reconciliation after all.

Never before has he admitted he’s done wrong

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Right now all you have is a low effort email. Hollow words because he is desperate.

Hold your ground for a few YEARS and watch and see if his behavior matches his words.

My prediction is this: Once he sees his recent attempt did nothing, he will become angry and blame you.

Your job- do nothing. Do not acknowledge the email. Carry on with NC and then sit back and watch what he does. This will tell you everything you need to know.

Thanks all for your replies