SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some of us have 30+ years of history with this person, and this person has shown true remorse (not false), and a sincere willingness to repair things. This is the reconciliation thread. Why would you come here and judge those who chose that, just because you didn't?

I didn't 'do anything' to get him back. I wanted that sex, too. It was the best sex I'd ever had because we were now emotionally connected in a way we'd never been in the marriage.

Yes to all of this.

It did take me about a month or so after DDay to want sex again. But then I realized I wasn’t going to let the OW ruin my life more than she already did. He is MY husband, he wants me and we still love each other. In a way I was taking back what was mine. And all of this is because he is remorseful and wants to make our marriage work and be even better than it has been in years.

When we decided to give R a chance I was worried that I would not be able to enjoy sex with him because of mind movies. With hysterical bonding I was able to just be in the moment - I was so caught up in the intensity of the moment that I didn't experience mind movies. When hysterical bonding began to fade we were far enough along in our R journey that I was fortunate to have very few mind movies. By then he had been constant in his efforts to R - he was doing everything in his power to show me how sincere he was in wanting to R.

For us - hysterical bonding bought us closer together and gave us the momentum to go forward with R. It got us through a lot of bad times. We became more vulnerable with each other. I didn't do it to "get him back" We wanted each other and it was an affirmation of the love we still had for each other.

HB definitely gave me a chance to open up to my wh. I found it bizarre at the same time. It was not my norm or even close to it which I know is normal but even when I was my most sexual with my eh, before kids, before marriage etc. Looking back at it I sometimes feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed just because I wanted his attention and love so much when he had just committed such a terrible act. I've never been one to chase men so it was very strange. I will agree with other posters though that it was what brought us, and kept us together when every rational reaction would have been to run away. I find myself wishing sometimes for more simply because, again in a very bizarre and unexplainable way, it's the most attracted to and lustful, I've ever felt towards my husband.

For us - hysterical bonding bought us closer together and gave us the momentum to go forward with R. It got us through a lot of bad times. We became more vulnerable with each other. I didn't do it to "get him back" We wanted each other and it was an affirmation of the love we still had for each other.

This. I started thinking about having sex with my fWH in the days leading up to him coming home. I was kind of shocked at myself and wasn't sure if it was healthy. But until his A we had always had a good sex life, and I'd missed it. It brought us together, allowed us to be vulnerable and show our love for each other. For the first 6 months we were at it 3 or 4 times a day most days. Now, after almost 15 months it's still 4 or 5 times a week. It's a wonderful way of connecting, and for me the best bit is the way he holds me afterwards. Hard to explain, as since we've been in R he constantly holds me, holds my hand etc, but after sex he holds me so tight, both arms around me, and we often drift off to sleep for a bit. After more than 28 years of marriage I am very happy that we are where we are, although I really wish he hadn't had to have an A to get us here. But what I trying to say, is that HB really helped us. I know we're all different, but it's nice to see that some of you feel the same way.

The first time really freaked me out, as our bedroom had been pretty dead for a year or more on dday (tho it was 100% up & running when he began the PA). Then I learned what HB is and just rolled with it.

I'm not sure if I ever felt I was trying to "reclaim" anything with my WH. I don't remember ever feeling our HB sex was anything about reconnecting emotionally. Personally, I think I just wanted to be able to tell myself I was sex worthy/lovable. Had I stuck to my guns and remained S right after dday, would probably have horn dogged with some single dude.

Also, I know I needed an escape from it all. Tho the mind movies were a tough effing nut to crack (and I still have them), once I was able to get past and into the pure physicality of it, the HB was a release and an escape.... if only for a short time.

I found out about his affair on Christmas Eve at 9:20 pm and after what can only be described as the most unbelievably cruel and horrific conversations of my life for the next 3 hours, including my two sons who were with me when we stumbled on my husbands real-time sexting, I then at 3:00 am went to the basement where he had retreated And performed what would be categorized as porn equivalent Oscar worthy sex. Twice.

We pretty much had a dead bedroom, maybe 10 times a year on a good year, all about him of course, for about 9 years. He had ED which of course was my fault. So in the next three months as we averaged 10 times a week, just me basically performing on him, ED don’t you know, I had a huge shock at the end of March when I found out about the real LTA of 20 years. Hysterical bonding screeched to a halt and since then, about 15 months, I think we have had sex 7 times, again, all about him.

Hysterical bonding made me feel desperate, fucking lonely in the moments after, and I cried every time, sometimes during, which he either didn’t notice or got impatient about. When I think back on those months I cringe, and feel utterly demoralized. Maybe if my husband had shown an iota of remorse it would have been different. I don’t know why I felt the need to have sex during that time but it was almost uncontrollable.

Anyway, it is nice other people had a more pleasant experience but for me it was damaging. The closeness isn’t real. My 2 cents.

Unfortunately for me my WW and I never experienced HB.. there was always an logical sounding reason.. But looking back it was all about my WW not giving up the AP.. she had no reason to try and fight to win me back she never thought I would leave.. I would have quite happily had sex every day afterwards, even if it was giving me a false sense of reclaiming my wife, or ultimately rug sweeping..

I can see the reasons for HB and why it helps.. Sex helps you get closer and stay closer... The lack of it in my case is just one more nail in the coffin.. She was sexual enough with the AP.. just cannot do it with her husband..

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 2:55 AM, July 3rd (Friday)]