SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Lsja,

I posted earlier about not regretting divorcing my wayward ex-wife. I hope that you do not mind a few questions so that we may be of more help.

1) Was his infidelity a deal-breaker for you?

2) How is your wayward husband changing from betrayer to a spouse you want to spend the rest of your life with?

3) What steps have you taken in your healing?

4) Was the affair rug swept?

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 4:38 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

StillLivin

If you do a search, you'll see this post comes up like clockwork every couple of months. In the 6 years I've been here, I've never once seen even one person respond with "Yes, I regret divorcing my cheater." Not one time in literally over a thousand responses. Not. One. Time.

Let that sink in.

I actually caught my entitled ex texting her relatives saying that if I divorced her I would regret it. I'm divorcing her. I won't be regretting it. The fact is that she is not the person I married. I don't know who the fuck she is anymore.

I've seen some regret that their spouse cheated and that the wished they didn't have to divorce, but that's as close as it gets. They still didn't regret divorcing their cheater.

Right, at best, this is true. I don't really have any regrets, I'm sad about the whole state of affairs and I really hate splitting my time with the kids, but that's about it.

Not.for.one.second.

A dear friend was on the same timeline with her D from a WS in a very public affair with a prominent person in the community. We talked about what it would be like when the time came to sign the papers to make the D official and both thought it would likely be a sad, hard day. Mine came a bit sooner, but we both agreed that, by that time, in addition to the betrayal, our spouses had pulled so many things that it was a complete pleasure to smile and put a signature on the line.

That was over 8 years ago and xpos is still pulling things that remind me why I'm so glad. Latest was just this past week. If he is so happy that he needs to tell everyone all the time, why is he still spending time finding ways to try to bother me?

) Was his infidelity a deal-breaker for you?

2) How is your wayward husband changing from betrayer to a spouse you want to spend the rest of your life with?

3) What steps have you taken in your healing?

4) Was the affair rug swept

If I was asked this question before I found out about his infidelity I'd answer with no hesitation; yes absolutely infidelity is a deal breaker. I even told him that early on in our marriage. I said that if he was ever tempted to cheat please let's divorce first so that I don't have to deal with the shame and pain of betrayal. And yet here I am-- too afraid to jump ship. I'm standing at the edge wavering back and forth.

He is doing most everything right to try to put things back together. Occasionally he gets defensive or frustrated when I just can't shut it down. It's so irritating to see him sleeping peacefully while I'm staring into the darkness, wide eyed with my mind full of the images and thoughts of what he did. I just worry that no matter how hard he tries it won't be enough to help me find peace.

I really don't know how to heal. I've been seeing a counselor, but I feel like I just talk and end up answering my own questions in our sessions. I really don't expect my counselor or anyone to be able to fix this. The only one who can give me peace is God, but He answers in his own time.

I absolutely will not let the infidelity be rug swept. He would like for it to just go away and be forgotten so that life can continue as normal, but I just can't let it go. It's not ok with me, I never had a choice in the matter and I'm so hurt. I feel like any person who is betrayed deserves better, so why am I still here?? I'm almost ashamed because I haven't found the courage to leave. I still love him and he says he loves me, but is that enough? Love wasn't enough to keep him from being unfaithful. I'm really struggling with my decision.

He said the only thing that can break our marriage now is my decision to go.

Manipulation at its finest.

lsja, it really doesn't matter that his affair was last month or last yr. For you, you've been feeling it all these yrs and he's been gas lighting you. For you, DDay was the day he admitted in March, and still, he didn't tell you all until the Poly.

Take your time, because its still new to you. Right now, the ball is in your court. Don't let him or anyone else force you into deciding. IT took him fucken that many yrs to come clean. You have all the time you want. Really, you being on the edge is good, b/c that means you're weighing heavily your future. Time this time, and don't feel pressured to go one way or another. You may even have him move out for a bit so that you can get some space to decide.

I don't regret my Divorce from a cheater. She deserves all she is getting right now, and my life is much better now than when it was with her.

Hi Lsja

Has your WH gone for counselling? He needs to.

I don’t care how much he cooks or cleans, or That he has sold his bike, it is all surface stuff. He needs to see someone. He needs to earn your trust. Figure out why he cheated. Not surface stuff. He feels convicted? So what. He is extremely guilty. That is a poor me answer. Not good enough.

He did all this because he wanted to and he lied to you for more than a decade.

A decade.

He is simply a coward.

I was married to one as well. Also lied to for a decade. And cheated on for 10 years.

I struggled and couldn’t make the decision to divorce. He did. Again after saying he wanted us for two years. More lies. To both of us this time.

Don’t do what I did. Decide what you need him to do. Tell him.. and then move forward.

Whether it is to stay or go. That is your choice.

Right now, he doesn’t deserve you. He needs to fix his shit so you Can begin to trust. And transparency transparency transparency.

This is all about him. He needs to fix himself.

You get to decide if you want him ? And It is ok to or not to.

None of this is easy. Either way.

It does get better over time. Hugs. I am sorry this happened to you. I know the pain.

He is going to counseling. I insisted that it was necessary. It gives me a little bit of peace knowing that he is going. He doesn't feel that he has a problem anymore because he cut it off cold turkey years ago on his own accord, but I think he really needs it.

I feel like I change my mind daily about whether to stay or whether to divorce. I was thinking today that I should leave him, but I had visions of ending up alone for the rest of my life.

What discourages me the most about staying is all the posts from those who have reconciled. I can see that they are still hurting years down the road. I don't think the pain ever ends. It may lessen some, but we'll never be the same again.

For me, the worry is that he doesn’t feel he has a problem, is a problem.

People don’t hurt the ones they love because they are healthy.

You are right in insisting but he needs to be open.

I am in IC, and the problems I thought I had are not the only ones I am working on.

Big hugs to you honey, you deserve to be happy, and you are worthy of it.

Lsja, couple thoughts - DO NOT let him blame you if you choose D. God gives permission to D in the event of infidelity so please remind him of that and if a D happens, it's because of the choice he made to cheat.

You can hope, pray, and wish until the cows come home but it will not help your healing. Infidelity is trauma and trauma NEEDS to be processed in order for you to move on from it. That means you will need to keep talking about it and keep asking questions. If he refuses to talk or answer, you will not be able to move on put it in the past.

I was thinking today that I should leave him, but I had visions of ending up alone for the rest of my life.

This is a terrible reason to stay. If God can help you see the path forward, he can also bring you a new faithful partner. But really, God helps those who help themselves. If you want to be in a healthy, happy, infidelity-free marriage, God can only work that magic if you give up your WH given he's not willing to give you the time and answers you need to heal.

I don't think the pain ever ends. It may lessen some, but we'll never be the same again.

The pain does end in a successful R because you get to see the transformation your WS makes and know that they will not do it again. They show you support and empathy when you trigger which makes it easier to bounce back from. They talk it through with you until you feel satisfied with the answers and can put it to rest. And over time, you heal and stop hurting over it. If your WS will not do that, that long, painful road can go on indefinitely.

Don't make a decision on what he SAYS he wants. Make a decision on what he DOES and how receptive he is to your pain and your need to heal. He's telling you to get over and go back to normal so he doesn't want to R. He wants to rugsweep. Tell him to shape up or get out.

No, and my kids--especially the youngest (the eldest was away at school for much of the worst) wishes we'd done it far, far sooner.