SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are so many what if's knocking around in my head. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm hurting so much, and I just can't seem to feel better. Sure, we have good days, but the bad ones are pretty dark. He would happily continue on as if nothing ever happened if it wasn't for my painful reminders of what he did to us. I just can't help it. Silly little things take my thoughts in all the wrong places. I'm afraid if I stay, the pain will never really go away. I see so many posts of reconciled couples still bearing the burden of infidelity that happened years ago.

I love this man deeply, but he has wounded my soul. I'll never be the same again. He is trying--hes been cooking and cleaning, and doing extra things around the house. He has promised to stay by my side as long as I'll have him. He said the only thing that can break our marriage now is my decision to go. He has always treated me well and been a kind man. I had no idea he was capable of such betrayal.

His affairs happened 11 years ago, and he made the decision to stop on his own. He never got caught, and recently confessed to me. Of course he sugar coated it and trickle truthed it for months, but apparently he hasn't been unfaithful since (polygraph confirmed this).

They were all cheap nonemotional day flings, but there were so many! I cant get over the magnitude of it. He swears he loved me during this time and never had intentions of losing me. He just thought he'd have extra fun on the side and never get caught. It makes me sick to think of it.

I just cannot understand HOW can a person do this to someone they love??? I've asked him over and over. He says he doesn't understand it himself. He is ashamed of who he was and prayed that God would change him. He truely believes he was changed and has lost the desire to be that way. But...his words are just words to me. He wants me to trust him again, but how can I do that??? I probably never will.

I cannot shake the pain that I'm feeling. It's like a heavy wet blanket. I think if I just walk away and close the door the pain will be over more quickly. I can forget he ever existed (or at least try).

We have a young child together and I'm sure he'll promptly remarry and then I'll be forced to share MY son with another woman. Its just not fair!

If I leave I will lose everything I've ever worked for and loved. I'll have to start from scratch with only child support and alimony until I can get a career going. Life will be so hard. My son loves his dad... Will I regret it? What if he really is a changed man? I've been obsessing all day, and can't sleep.

I don't know what is the lesser of two evils. Divorce or living the rest of my years looking at the man who hurt me so deeply.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

You don't have to make a decision today, or tomorrow or even six months from now. You said you just recently found out about the affairs, so you're still processing everything. Give yourself a little time to breathe and process.

One thing you should do now - if you haven't already - is meet with a lawyer. The first consultation is usually free, and you can get an idea of where things would stand as far as child support, alimony, etc. (The online calculators are pretty accurate as well). Don't tell WH you're having a consult - just do it on your own to start gathering all your information. You may not choose to go the divorce route, but it's always best to be prepared.

Again, you don't have to make any decisions right now while this is all so new. Your feelings about reconciling/divorce can change by the hour in the beginning.

One thing is for sure: you will get through this.

Quite a lot of research (well… at least 2 surveys I have read from established sources) share the same results.

When queried 12 months after divorce the majority regretted divorce and said they could/should have done more to save the marriage.

When the SAME group is queried 18 months after divorce the vast majority is happy with their decision to divorce and have no regret.

I think its like all trauma. It takes time to recover. The 2 year / 18 month mark is quite interesting. It’s the mark we often use for deciding if reconciliation is working or not. It’s also the mark where trauma victims like rape-victims start really recovering. It’s also the mark where widows and widowers start feeling OK with their loss. To me it indicates that we as humans simply need that time to recover.

This question is asked here maybe once a month and the vast majority (I can only remember one person saying they wished they tried harder, though they also said they suspected divorce would have happened anyway) do not regret their divorce. I regret marrying him. I regret not filing immediately (waited a month). But I've completely rebuilt my life and am happier than I ever was with him.

At first I got D to protect myself and my sons from him ever hurting us like this again. I needed the space and I hoped he would get a ton of therapy to help save his family. Nope. He married the OW. That spoke volumes as to who he is.

About 2 years out I realized I was married to a person wearing a mask, as I started thinking back to all the times he had loose boundaries with women, and I wonder if he cheated back then. So, that would mean he cheated, then carried on as normal. I realized I am so much better off without him! Financially-no- but mentally yes. My sons were hurt at first, but they got to see their Dad regularly, then they pulled away as they learned on their own, he’s a screwed up person. I provided a safe, caring home for them and they have grown into great men!

My D was finalized 12/13/19. Filed in Sept 2019 after months of false R.

I do regret the 9 months I wasted trying to put out the dumpster fire that my marriage was. I regret showing him anything like kindness after dday1.

My divorce? I don't regret it. Not for a SECOND. Getting free of his bullshit is the BEST thing for me and my future happiness.

just my 0.02, but the way bigger red flag I see in your situation is that he could live with that lie and allow you to remain clueless for 11 years. If you had known about it 11 years ago, would you still be with him today?

I was you 15 years ago. Did not want to see my children struggle. Sure it was just the one time and blamed myself which he so happily did too.

All lies. Tigers do not change their stripes. His response to stress or conflict or heck just boredom or an invitation is cheat...that’s the kind of man he is. And you can’t do anything about it except not be a part of it.

I wish I’d left then. I wasted so much time on a man who was a toxic waste, and a really good liar.

Divorce? Hell No! Believing my lying cheating XWW? Absolutely! But I am still grateful for the experience. It made me who I am today. I wouldn’t have my DD or DS in my life if I didn’t meet, date, marry my XWW. And my kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He kept this from you for 11 yrs. Why now? Why is he all remorseful now? If he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep you, than you should ask for a Post Nuptial agreement. Ask for financial support and if he cheats again, you can put a clause in there for that as well.

Put a legal document in place now that he has found his remorse, and you'll see how deep that remorse is. Or if its just talk.

It's a long story, but he lost his wedding ring and called me at work to tell me. He sounded so nervous while he was telling me, and I just knew something was off. Im an easygoing person and if it was truly an accident, than no big deal we'd just replace it.

I pressed for more because my gut said something was wrong. He never took it off, so how could it just get lost. Anyway, long story short a couple months later he confessed a bogus story about meeting a girl in the parking lot and asked for her number. He said he took his ring off to hide it in his pocket. He maintained that he called her but on the way to meet for the first time he knew it was wrong, turned around and went home and never contacted her again. He was so convincing even after I relentlessly grilled him on it.

This story blew my mind and honestly, never really made sense. It gave me nightmares and insecurities all these years. It never felt right, so every so often I'd bring it up. For years he kept his secrets, until March 1 this year. I woke up that morning after another dream about him cheating on me. I had an uneasy feeling throughout the day. That evening we watched something on tv that triggered me. All of a sudden I just knew beyond a shadow of doubt that he had done more. I had uncanny clarity like never before. Was it God? I dont know, but I turned to him and said that we need to get it out once and for all. He finally told me what really happened. From that day until the day I forced the polygraph (June 15) I continued to learn more. It has been devastating.

It's like he had a whole other side to him that I never knew was there! And the scary part is that I knew him so well. We always laughed together, shared the same thoughts, enjoyed doing things together, and I thought we were rare soul mates. He always said that too. He never seemed to not enjoy my company. I just can't understand it. Look at me now, I feel so foolish and disrespected. My life feels like a joke and a big lie.

I don't want to lose my marriage, I really don't, but maybe I already have. I don't know if the pain will ever stop. Divorce seems like the quickest way to making it go away. We met in high school, and have never been apart. I have been married 19 years and have been with him longer than I've been without him. We built our identities together. Right now I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

Lsja

Divorce seems like the quickest way to making it go away. We met in high school, and have never been apart. I have been married 19 years and have been with him longer than I've been without him. We built our identities together. Right now I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

That's similar to my story. I met my ex in HS but started dating her after HS. I was with her for 21 years. Then she decided to date her ex HS boyfriend and I saw who she really was. I'm separated, headed towards divorce. I already feel better.

Oh Lsja! Hugs to you. This is the part of your original post that sticks out to me:

He swears he loved me during this time and never had intentions of losing me. He just thought he'd have extra fun on the side and never get caught. It makes me sick to think of it.

Of course he didn't want to lose you; you're the best thing that ever happened to him. If he truly loved you then, would he have done what he did? Do you really think that your SOULMATE would betray you and break your heart like this?

That's the kind of hard truth I had to face too. I was with my xWH for 15 years+. I believed he was my soulmate. Now, I'm nearly 4 years out from DDay, and I still have days where the pain just brings me to my knees. My xWH was never sorry for what he did to me. To him, R meant rugsweeping, not reconciliation. After 2 years of that shit, I finally kicked him out. My D has been final since December 2019.

These days, I'm lonesome. But it's still better than being lonesome while staying married to someone who would take my love and shit on me in return. I don't regret my D. I regret that I didn't D sooner.

I wish you all the best. Hearts.

It's like he had a whole other side to him that I never knew was there! And the scary part is that I knew him so well. We always laughed together, shared the same thoughts, enjoyed doing things together, and I thought we were rare soul mates. He always said that too. He never seemed to not enjoy my company. I just can't understand it. Look at me now, I feel so foolish and disrespected. My life feels like a joke and a big lie.

(((Lsja))) I can completely relate it's like my life is an episode of Black Mirror every day. I'm also headed towards D. Right now we are in-house separated. I was supposed to move out and then the pandemic hit. The way he has been acting during this IHS has been an eye opener for me.

To answer your question, no regrets. None. I only regret that's how my life turned out, but I would D again in a heartbeat.

He swears he loved me during this time and never had intentions of losing me. He just thought he'd have extra fun on the side and never get caught.

My Xhole did not want to get D. He never had any intention of leaving me. What he DID want is the best of both worlds (in his mind). Me, at our home taking care of the home fires, kids, daily grind, giving him the image of devoted husband, father, and pillar of the church. And his secret life filled with various OW and their OCs. After we D (were together for almost 30 years), I asked him why he did it. His response? He was hoping I would just be the type of wife that would look the other way. Unfortunately, I did not sign up for that particular marital agreement.

Xhole loved me, based on his own definition that clearly doesn't match my own, we had a good marriage (so it seemed), we had regular date nights, took vacations together regularly, etc. There was no clue anything was no what it appeared on the surface. I was happy, as was he. Kids were happy.

Then the bottom fell out overnight. My bubble burst and my world came crashing down. Once I learned the extent, I could never "unlearn" it, and I lost all respect for him. That was no basis for a marriage. Nor did I want to be the infidelity police for the rest of my life. He had no remorse, only regret for getting caught. He felt entitled to his side pieces.

I was blindsided and angry. Very, very angry that my "best friend" could stab me in the back like that. The betrayal was mindboggling to me. In my world, I don't keep friends like that in my life.

So there I was. Almost 50 years old and starting over. I also discovered that his financial infidelity was just as bad. So I didn't just start over with nothing, I started over with tens of thousands of debt that I knew nothing about until the financial details came out in the D.

Was it scary? Terrifying! But the thought of staying with him was worse to me, and I was losing a piece of my soul every day I was with him knowing what I knew. So I lined up my ducks, kicked him out, filed for D, and faced my fears head on. I took it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time.

Slowly, so ever slowly, I started to see the dark clouds part and sunshine peek through.

Now, over 7 years later, I am so much better off than I EVER was in my sham of a marriage! My kids and I are closer than ever, too.

Regrets? Nope. None at all.

Take your time deciding. There's no rush. Look deep within and be true to yourself. If it's a dealbreaker you owe no one any explanation or justification. For many of us it is just that, a dealbreaker.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

I regret meeting him. I regret ignoring the red flags in the first four years of the relationship Pre kids.

I hate being a single parent but I do not wish to have him back for one second.

You are looking down the barrel of what seems like two evils... and in some way t is because this was forced on you. But human psychology (and they have done studies on this) means most of us end up happy with the choice we made. I found the old fashioned way of writing pros and cons and weighting them really helps.

And if you choose to separate ... being a single mum is tough but you will grow into that role and it will be ok.

I regret not doing it sooner. The "pick me" dance was so embarrassing.

No one says you can’t get remarried to the same person if you do regret it. But there are many in here (me included) who are regretting not doing it sooner.

My only regret is waiting way too long and not going NC from the start. I would try to accommodate him so that he would keep up visitation with the kids, but I should have just followed the custody order from the start and not try to give him make up time.

No regrets.... I am extremely grateful that I did. Life has been very good to me as an individual.

I will post more when I have time.

Please note that I am very concerned with the challenges humanity presently faces and spend considerable effort at making our world a better place for all of us.

If you do a search, you'll see this post comes up like clockwork every couple of months. In the 6 years I've been here, I've never once seen even one person respond with "Yes, I regret divorcing my cheater." Not one time in literally over a thousand responses. Not. One. Time.

Let that sink in.

I've seen some regret that their spouse cheated and that the wished they didn't have to divorce, but that's as close as it gets. They still didn't regret divorcing their cheater.