So during these strange Covid days, it feels a lot like those months after Dday. Because of circumstances, right now it’s back to just me and the New Beginning dog eight years later. And those coping skills and resilience I relied on back then have resurfaced and been quite handy. I suspect all of our futures are a little foggy in one way or another, so there’s that post-Dday feeling of the unknown in the mix as well.
For me, my infidelity journey put a spotlight on a whole lot of shit besides the cheating. I think these past 4 months have also had a way of separating the wheat from the chaff as it were.
Here’s a few ramblings I’ve been ruminating on of late:
1. I’m going to be old and alone. I am not married. I do not have kids. For a while, I actually felt a little sorry for myself and wondered if I would be by myself when I was older. I don’t know why I held on to this for so long, but it was a big news flash when I realized a few things. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean they might not die first. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean they will have the skills or physical ability to be on the same page with you in old age. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you’ll have that kind of relationship with them. What if they marry and move around the world? Or any other number of things.
It was such a “duh” moment. I guess I always heard people whisper about “I hope she finds *somebody.* But I think I’ve done a lot better than that. I’ve nurtured a whole bunch of *somebodies* (including myself) in my life. And some serious lifelong friends. I also think I would love being single in the right *senior living community.* And as I mentioned on another thread – it’s only half-joking that several of my friends will live together in at least close proximity some day. I think a collective is a wonderful thing which circles me back to the posse thing.
2. Posse in effect and we’re doin’ the do (I stole that). I’ve been hearing lovely stories of how everyone is reaching out to their people these days. I know I’ve felt such huge love from all over the place. Even though I haven’t had more than a few driveway or deck moments face-to-face, I feel really connected. And make sure I give as much as I get. I have such funny, genuine, creative, and interesting friends (I should have picked men back in the day more like my friends actually). Sadly, one of my friends also died during this time, so finding ways to acknowledge those loses takes a little extra finagling in these days of virtual funerals. I’m also slightly questioning if a relationship or two will become covid-collateral damage now that the spotlight has hit them. I’m trying to reserve making huge decisions about anything right now since we’re all a little twitchier than we might realize.
3. Needs. Mine have changed big time as I’ve aged. They used to be kind of delusional actually. I would dump everything on the man in my life and make him responsible for my happy and self-worth. Now, they are realistic. And pretty basic. And I finally realize they don’t all have to be met by one person in my life. Here’s just a few: joy, companionship, shared experiences, affection, physical closeness, curiosity and discovery, celebrating each other’s accomplishments, comfort and support... When I was running this by someone the other day, they said “You know, you can get most of those things from your friends, right?” So true. (Actually my pup is pretty good at a lot of the above as well). Doesn’t mean I don’t like having an exclusive somebody to build a life with, but it is freeing to open your world. I don’t need someone to do things for me that I can do for myself. Like that happy or self worth thing. Or the paying bills and house maintenance stuff. I’m incredibly lucky to have forged a life that allows me to take care of the basic day to day.
4. Covid-y Needs/Boundaries. I’ve also had to remind myself that I have the right to stand up for what I’m comfortable with/not comfortable with right now. Not everyone is going to agree with my limits but I hope they can respect them (hence the covid collateral strain on a few relationships). My go-to is “This is what I think is best for me right now.”
5. That outcome thing. I’m not by personality a particularly anxious person, but I fully admit to some days with the little roller coaster gut drops or moments of the pulse racing a bit. This whole operating in the unknown is just uncomfortable. I’m one who loves to have a *something* to look forward to. All of my favorite things have been cancelled. Concerts. Travel. Dining as Entertainment. That’s minimal compared with others’ struggles. And some of my people are sick. Some are very very sick. We all know how difficult this has been – lost jobs, others overworked, mental health struggles, addiction, school futures and all the kid stuff, domestic violence. It’s heavy. So when I get lost in the spiral of unhelpful thinking I try and do a couple of things. First, I use my old standby of “what do I have to work with right now.” Here’s what I can do something about. Whether it’s calling a friend in a City that is particularly struggling or sending money to a business owner who desperately needs it or doing something where I can have an effect in my little piece of the world. I also rely on “Well, I’m on the right side of the dirt today so how can I celebrate that just a little.” I try and laugh. A lot. After Dday I also learned how to sit quietly whether it was in a piece of garden I just weeded while petting the dog or taking a drive to a new place just to watch the sun set. Little stuff. To make a Godfather reference (because they are clichéd and fun) – remember the pear scene? Like that.
I also don’t deny that things may completely go to shit at any time. My business could hit a brick wall. My family may get sick. I may get sick. Another friend may die. But I have to trust myself that I will know how to figure it out as it comes.
6. Not letting myself get stuck. Sure we’ve all had our life options massively limited. And I have had a few days where I just need to sleepwalk through the hours until it’s time to go to bed. I suppose that’s not the worst kind of self-care ever. But I’m trying really hard to keep myself engaged in some new stuff to feed the spirit and give my brain new things to think about besides this shit. I’m reading even more. Virtual touring museums. Journaling. Teaching the dog scent training. And sometimes just making up random shit to do that makes me not feel like a slug.
7. IC. I started a thread about needing a dose and Yep – it’s a great time for us to do a tune-up or get to know one. Especially if you’re alone, it’s so helpful to get out of your own head for an hour here and there. Or have new eyes take a look at a situation. My IC recently gave me a completely different way of seeing something. It never would have occurred to me on my own. By the way, I’ve also heard of a few grants in my area that are waiving co-pays and costs for therapy visits. I think this is brilliant.
So what about my fellow D/S-ers. You been up in the attic dusting off some old friends as well? Would love to hear your stories.
