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Hi, I’m after some advice please,

My dd 10 is refusing to go to my xwh house. The ow hadn’t been kind to my dd and as she’s got older understands that her family was ripped apart due to xwh and ow selfishness. My xwh has been awful to dd since she’s decided she doesn’t want to go to xwh or ow’s home they bought in March. He’s called her selfish, said she’s mean, and said he will never see dd again unless she goes to his house. He told her she’s won her game and now won’t tell her he loves her. The way he has spoken to her and treat her has caused her much anxiety. She’s now seeing a IC due to panic attacks and anxiety.

Ds has been going but not willingly. He cries and is very upset. He doesn’t want to leave me or his sister. My ds only goes one night a week.

As my xwh is toxic all drop offs and pick ups are done at xwh mothers house as xwh is awful to me. He rubs ow in my face and it cause me hurt. Tonight the usual happened. Ds was crying as he didn’t want to go. Dd was crying seeing her brother so upset. Ds was saying he wanted to stay with his sister. Xwh shouted at dd saying he’s going to start carrying her kicking and screaming to his house and there’s nothing she can do. He then said to her to stop crying and that she’s lucky he’s still here as thanks to her and me he’s been so upset he wanted to kill himself. When I filled for divorce he threatened to kill himself and ow text me saying she was worried. I knew it wasn’t genuine and told him I was ringing the police. But how dare he say that to a child who is already vulnerable. Do I do anything here? My dd is distraught

Sorry you are going through this and your children are subject to such abuse. If you are up to it, you can be your child’s advocate. Carry a VAR at all times you are communicating with your ex. Record his comments if at all possible. Document everything. Are there any child advocates where you live? Give your evidence to your attorney and go for full custody. Be your children’s advocate. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:01 PM, July 25th (Saturday)]

I just had the same response. Even if there was some way to video tape ex behaving this way in addition to always having the VAR. This is abusive of him. Your poor children, I am so sorry you have to carry this burden.

BH, what a messed up situation. What does DD's therapist think of this? Would she possibly have a meeting with your XWH?

What does your attorney say?

He said what?!?

He’s such a toxic person he should NEVER be around children

Period!!

Agreed with all the above. Take this to your attorney and start carrying a VAR. If your state requires 2-party consent, carry it anyway and announce it loudly every time you interact with that asshole. Don't wait to see that attorney. If you have to borrow money from the bank, from family, from friends, or start a GoFundMe page, do what you have to do. He's got no business talking to your children like that, let alone scarring them for life with verbal threats of suicide. Which, btw, I'll recommend to you now that if he EVER says anything like that within your earshot, you call the cops and report him. Guaranteed that after he's had a wellness check, he'll learn to shut his fat piehole.

I'm so mad for you and your babies. FTG.

You know, many police barracks these days have an exchange area where you can do drop-offs between now and whenever you can get his visitation terminated. You might look into something like that since he can't even keep his flap shut in front of his own mother.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Neckonamida I live in the uk. The therapist my dd is using is through her school as to get proper therapy through the doctors where me or xwh can be involved for free there has to be signs of self harm or intent to harm others and fortunately my dd is not showing any signs of either. I can’t afford to take her to doctor IC. So now it’s the school holidays as well her school IC has stopped

He is the biggest manipulator going. I now don’t feel safe letting ds go. I’m going to speak to an attorney tomorrow. I may need to start doing drop offs so I can carry a VAR. What an absolute mess. He thinks everyone should just love ow like he does. My dd is nearly 11 and I will not force her to go anywhere that causes her distress I don’t understand how he can’t grasp this.

The longer he is allowed to be around your children, the more damage he is doing to them.

Please act now, be their advocate.

My youngest would occasionally say he didn't want you go to XH's, but I could tell it was because he was in the middle of something, or wanted to play a game XH didn't have.

What you are describing is a whole different matter. Visiting your xwh is hurting them emotionally. Are there social services that you could get involved. Your Xwh is behaving like a spoiled child.

To steal a line from a movie, "It is a parent's job to love their child. It is not the child's job to love the parent."

Given that you are in the UK, I don't have any legal advice for you... other than to see an attorney.

One the personal front, you need to think about what YOU can do to make it better for your children.

[he] said he will never see dd again unless she goes to his house. He told her she’s won her game and now won’t tell her he loves her.

This sounds like DD and xwh are on the same page. Make it happen!

How old is DS?

My suggestion would be to keep DD away from her father if you can. If she isn't going to stay there, then why are they meeting at all?

Can you have a third party (a police officer? a friend? A therapist?) be around for the child transfer?

I am sorry... this is really hard. Do your best to speak favorably of xwh and ow in front of the kids. Maybe find a neutral subject where you can be upbeat and positive? My STBXW bought a new dog and I'll be damned if we don't talk about that dog all of the time.

I agree with Barcher. Can you do exchanges at a police department or hire someone just for the exchanges?

Can you get a dashboard cam and tell him you are filming every exchange?