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JBWD (original poster member #70276) posted at 11:21 PM on Monday, October 5th, 2020
It’s not that I expect to grieve one more than the other, it’s that I’m not feeling the impact of his death as vividly. Of course the loss of M is more present, and I can’t really quantify the distance between my father and me. But I feel like one is crowding out the other, and that makes me feel pretty crappy.
I have started to absorb the things about my childhood that didn’t go right but that doesn’t answer being a bad son. Just the same as those issues don’t explain betraying my wife.
[This message edited by JBWD at 5:26 PM, October 5th (Monday)]
Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced
LifeDestroyer ( member #71163) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, October 6th, 2020
I too realized that I have been mourning the death of my marriage more than I ever grieved the death of my mom. I know one reason is because I really didn't let myself mourn her. I didn't want my daughter to see me sad and was so used to having to be strong. Now, I'm tired of being strong. I want to sit and cry and feel like shit.
I think we may also mourn it more because it is something that we caused or had a hand in killing.
Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.
We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.
As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.
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