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Many different emotions today..

Today marks the day that NC is in effect. My BS is going to leave for a trip, idk where to or for how long. The reason for the trip is so he can heal himself as much as possible.

Yesterday he stopped by and requested to read my journal. He wanted to see where I am at in my head. I asked him to stay safe before he left. He asked me to continue to fight to become a better person. I do not know what his thoughts were after reading my journal and I am honestly afraid of them. I want him to heal and do what is best for him. I am determined to continue fighting and I will keep my promise to him. Knowing my words don't mean anything at this time and may never and that my actions may never mean anything either.

I feel like all that is in me is loss right now. A death of the person I loved most. He died because of me. I must trust that he is going to do what is best for him and in the mean time I must focus on the here and now. All I can control - myself.

Here I am today, struggling. I had an appointment with the IC and honestly I don't think I will go see her again. I am unsure what to think. She is great with uncovering my deep feelings I've been carrying around with me, but she also sees me as a "victim". She says she is seeing so much suffering within me..that she is welcoming all my parts to be part of me, the good and the bad.. she said that she is not excusing what I did/ that it is nor her intention but that she feels like it was my BS that did not see my suffering, not that he caused it but that he wanted me to be what he wanted and that he did not care about the wounds within me. He did not see them. Stuff like that is what she said..- I wholeheartedly disagreed with her. I confronted her about the fact that I do not want pity and that I am the cause why my BS is suffering. I told her straight up that I disagreed with her. (Which I am proud of myself I did that, a few weeks, heck even days ago I would not have stood up against her). I told her that how could my BS have known something was wrong if, for the longest time I even hid it from myself. How could he have known when I did not communicate. Well he couldn't have know. And none of that excuses the fact that I had an affair. So I made that very clear to her. And it made me so angry she would think like that of my BS, while I am the pile of trash sitting in front of her that caused him such harm!

I must say on this note that I am switching insurance plans due to work so I am unsure at this time when I will be able to go to IC again. I will do it as soon as I can. - with a different counselor.

Any advice is appreciated regarding my situation.

Do you have any suggestions how to find a good counselor that specializes in this field?..

*I struggled to find the right title for this post.. and apologize for typos and english is not my first language - that mixed with emotions can sometimes really affect my ability to express myself correctly in the way I mean to.

Rose,

A good IC can sometimes be hard to find, keep trying new ones until you find the right person. It honestly took me a few years and quite a few tries, but once I found the right person, it made all the difference in the world. Look for people who have experience in trauma, addiction, PTSD and of course, infidelity. I suggest these things because they seem common among WS's, but that's just a personal opinion/observation.

Remember that an IC, unlike an MC, is going to be all about YOU and what treatment is best for YOU. What's best for your marriage is not necessarily their focus. This is not a bad thing, it is actually what you want in an IC, and a lot of the work that is needed to recover from infidelity starts with ourselves first. Until we are emotionally healthy and stable ourselves, we are not equipped to be a healthy and supportive partner for our betrayed spouses.

I am not saying you should stick with this IC, as it sounds like you really didn't like her, and that's a deal-breaker. However, I will say that (in my opinion) some of the things she said to you were things you may need to deal with moving forward. Most WS's really seem to struggle with self-love and self-identity, with labels such as good and bad, with forgiving ourselves, and more than anything, with letting go of the needy parts of ourselves that allowed an affair to happen in the first place.

My suggestion is to walk in the door with the questions being, "Why did I not respect myself or my spouse (or anyone else) enough to not allow this to happen? What need was I trying to fulfill and why? What about my life has contributed to who I am, and who do I want to be?"

Good luck in your search

Rose, what do you want from IC?

The pattern that you are showing right now - of cutting off people who you think are unhelpful to you - is that something you can see throughout your life? There are people who need to be cut out of your life, especially if they are a trigger for your husband early in betrayal trauma. But you are doing quite a bit of cutting people out and I think you should look into it. Most people are imperfect and complicated, relationships are imperfect and complicated, and learning to live with that is critical. Discerning what needs to be cut out and what needs to stay as imperfect is hard.

To echo Pippin-

One of “our common traits” is reactivity- That impairs decision making, evidence is where we are posting right now.

Yes there may be a better fit IC for you, but it’s prudent to take your time with all decisions right about now.

What you’re describing is once again a process of “following instincts” and we have pretty consistently proven our instincts wrong here. Recommend staying patient and allow outcomes to surface.

You guys are right. I am cutting A LOT of people out of my life. And honestly they are all the ones that supported all the bad parts of me.. I do not have a good support system. But I rather be alone than have fake friends. I am sure the IC meant weel. But I have been reading a lot about IC. I think she would be a good MC (which is what she specializes in) but they way shetalked about my BS made my blood boil bc she viewed me as a victim.. And the "bad parts in me" for a second enjoyed the pity. But then my head and heart kicked in. And I caught myself. THAT is exactly why I cut people out. It does not help me to make excuses I think.. idk. I have not told the IC that I will not be back. I only had 3 sessions with her so far. Due to work place changes and therefore insurance changes I have to see what I will do counseling wise anyways. I debated to go see her again and tell her what I think about the last session and overall mindset.. but idk. I think it is wise to continue for an IC that would be a better fit for me.

Cutting people off has never been a pattern of mine. More the opposite. I always trusted too fast. My entire live I tried to be there for everyone and I must say I am actually glad I've been strong enough to cut people out. It is a very scary thing for me.

I have been trying to slow down at the moment. I find myself in a state of "being overwhelmed" at times throughout the day. [new job that is much more challenging than my old one, not really a support system, and I lost the love of my life]then I am having things I must do every day (as part of an agreement with BS) it is not much and def. is actually helping me a bunch. But it is more things on a daily : must do!

I want to write down so many things on my days off. Start making a WHY and HOW list. List conversational topics that were between AP and me. I have so many books I want to read. Go to counseling and make it to the gym in my days off.

All I wish is that I could help my BS in his healing. But the only help I can give him right now is to respect NC and somehow continue to live.

I want to be a better person and my work will never be done.