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I want to D but I am trapped. Need advice.

Pages: 1 · 2

LiedtoLucy posted 8/30/2020 12:57 PM

D-Day was 7 years ago and things have only gotten worse. I donít know if he is cheating and honestly donít even care. I just want me and my kids out of the crappy (falling apart) house he has is living in.

I am currently paying all the utilities. We air condition our home in Georgia with window units. There is no insulation. The windows are covered to try to keep cool air in but there is no sunlight so itís completely depressing. Electric bill is between $400-$500 per month. I only bring home &1,200 bi-weekly and of course have other bills to pay. Car insurance, water, high speed internet which my kids have to have for school etc. I have no money left to secure a place to live thatís healthy and inviting. He makes $80K annually but doesnít use it wisely. Currently spending $400 on storage units to keep a bunch of junk. Heís basically a hoarder.

My WH sleeps in a camper outside using the excuse that he works with COVID-19 patients, which he does. I donít even care about him sleeping in the camper but he is alienating our 3 sons who need a father.

Inside the house their isnít much privacy at all and my in-laws live with us, which is also a strain financially. My 11-year old is depressed because he is constantly around his obnoxious little brother. He has begged for his own room or at least some private space, which WH promises will happen, but I havenít seen any effort on his part. He leaves for days at the time to do whatever he wants.

My 11-year old told his teacher last week he was having suicidal thoughts, which scared the shit out of me. WH and I talked to him the evening it happened and WH made more promises to take DS fishing and spend time together but has not followed through and even went fishing alone last week. He hasnít talked to DS AT ALL since that one conversation. I have made DS a doctorís appointment and plan to get him in to counseling soon because I am worried sick.

All I want is for us to be out of here and I donít see a way! I have recently started driving for door dash to try and get some extra money, but feel so guilty about leaving my kids in crappy house while I am gone.

How do I get out of here with my kids healthy and my sanity in tact? All advice welcome..

Thanks for listening.

The1stWife posted 8/30/2020 13:39 PM

Maybe explain to kids that you are trying to make extra $ to make some improve the to your home.

Save and move! Do Not tell a soul. Get out.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:11 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

nekonamida posted 8/30/2020 14:22 PM

LtL, does your WH financially contribute at all? See a lawyer. If you're bankrolling the house without much from him, you might actually get more money from him if you file for D in the way of CS and possibly alimony. He will be forced to step up as a father instead of coming in and out of their lives as he pleases right now. It may be your only way out.

Do you have family that can support you temporarily if you and the kids leave? A friend with an extra bedroom maybe?

Bigger posted 8/31/2020 06:44 AM

A family income of over 100k (80 + 30k) and you canít afford to change?

Look up divorce laws in your state. See if you can get a temporary spousal support and temporary child support decree. These are usually decided by some relatively simple, income-based formula and are put in place until a divorce is finalized.
That should give you the income needed to rent somewhere for you and your kids.
Maybe that will wake up your husband. Maybe that might make him start doing some work on the marriage, get the in-laws into their place and/or make changes to the family home.

As is he has nothing to lose. He is in a win-win situation.
Unfortunately neither your kids nor you are in that situation.

The1stWife posted 8/31/2020 08:16 AM

Bigger - itís not the income level that is important. Itís the fact that financially people struggle.

You donít know what reasons people have for the financial position they are in. And itís it up to them to provide reasons or details.

I accept and understand LiedtoLucy is struggling and there are reasons she is.

In my part of the country we pay the highest taxes in the US. I could not afford to live in my area if D. I would struggle every day just to live and eat.

pinkpggy posted 8/31/2020 09:29 AM

I left my marriage and my husband made a great living and I make around 50k and it is very scary but do-able. I had all the same worries you do, and so far it has worked out. I did a budget and we will be living modestly but my peace of mind was worth giving up any extras. I am renting so no taxes, no maintenance, no HOA fees, no burden on me right now.

You do need to save money. Do you have any savings at all? We thankfully had a large savings that I was able to take my share plus extra for the kids since I knew it would be a while before child support was set up.

Do you have any family you can rely on, or friends you could stay with? I know that is a huge burden.

I can send you a PM and tell you what I did, but I am not comfortable posting here. I also had two kids that were miserable in our home and we are so much more at peace now.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:30 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

Bigger posted 8/31/2020 10:33 AM

OK The1stWife, so you are suggesting the OP remain in misery?

EllieKMAS posted 8/31/2020 10:54 AM

I don't think that's what 1stW was suggesting at all. But regardless of income, OP is financially struggling right now. To think of moving you need to calculate 1st and last month rent, security deposit, moving expenses etc, so it is not so cut and dried as 'just get out'. I get it - I make decent money too and I still have financial worries as well. And I don't even have any kids to worry about!

Lucy, you really should see a lawyer though. You are probably entitled to a pretty god chunk of change by way of CS/spousal support since it seems like your wh makes pretty decent money. It may be enough with your income to get you moved out. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, but start looking into your options and I bet you have more than you think.

pinkpggy posted 8/31/2020 11:19 AM

Lucy, you really should see a lawyer though. You are probably entitled to a pretty god chunk of change by way of CS/spousal support since it seems like your wh makes pretty decent money. It may be enough with your income to get you moved out. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, but start looking into your options and I bet you have more than you think.

That won't help her get OUT though. She probably needs $5000 in cash just to get out. I had to put a down payment, a pet deposit, first months rent, utility hook ups, movers, food, supplies, beds, bedding, cleaning products, etc etc. It was WAY more expensive than I thought it was going to be. Child Support can take months to get going. If there is no savings or cash on hand, there is really no way to leave without help from friends or family.

Bigger posted 8/31/2020 11:28 AM

The poster states she wants to divorce but feels trapped and goes into detail about the family finances. From the post one can assume sheís covering all the debts from her income, and lack of income is preventing some necessary changes. Iím pointing out that the family income Ė the combined income Ė is quite respectable. It can also be read that the husband is using funds the way he wants (400 storage, disappears for daysÖ) leaving the poster dealing with issues caused by wasteful financial decisions.

The utility-bill might be 500 per month and off 2400 thatís 22%. But if you add the husbands income itís closer to 5% of the monthly income. Thatís still high Ė but lower than if paid from the single salary.

My suggestion would have a court-decided spousal- and child support that the WH would have to pay. Could be garnished off his wages. It evens out the playing-field and might enable the poster to relocate away from the in-laws and expensive house. Basically Ė it would ensure that the OP got something closer to half the family income.

To me that suggestion helps a lot more than feeding a sense of helplessness.

EllieKMAS posted 8/31/2020 11:31 AM

That won't help her get OUT though. She probably needs $5000 in cash just to get out. I had to put a down payment, a pet deposit, first months rent, utility hook ups, movers, food, supplies, beds, bedding, cleaning products, etc etc. It was WAY more expensive than I thought it was going to be.
Very true it won't help her get out right this second. But it does lay out a path and allow for some planning. Could be that getting out needs to be a 6 month process rather than a get-it-done-by-next-week one. Just pointing out that it's easy to be in fear of the unknowns during this process and sometimes just sitting down and putting together a plan can really quiet some of those fears and help you to see the path forward, ya know?

Bigger your response there runs on the assumption that OP has access to wh's income, which to me it sounds like she does not. Regardless, as pink pointed out - moving is pricey and OP doesn't have the immediate capital to move right now. I'm not 'feeding her helplessness', I am saying that it is a normal feeling to feel trapped and scared. And it's normal to get sorta paralyzed by that fear. But I agree seeing a lawyer is a good step that might alleviate some of that fear and make it easier to find a path out.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 11:34 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 8/31/2020 11:32 AM

I totally get this. I make a decent living, but I had to cash out a good part of my 401k to get out and buy another house. I left a drug addict who had stopped working, and you can imagine that I had far too many bills and zero savings. I found it impossible to save while doing all I could to keep us afloat. I will be financially recovering from this for a good long while. Still worth it, LiedtoLucy. Though it is profoundly distasteful to me still that I had to wreck my retirement for this, is that an option you could explore?

Bigger posted 8/31/2020 11:36 AM

No Ė itís clear that she doesnít have access to his income.
But the courts do.

pinkpggy posted 8/31/2020 11:43 AM

Bigger- You seem to think thats an easy thing to do. Oh just go to court and get the money. LOL. Thats not how it works, esp with someone who most likely won't be agreeable to the situation. It could take years for her to see a dime. And where is she supposed to live while battling out a divorce with a man that has shown he has no respect for her? How is she supposed to get those assets? How many moms are "entitled" to money and never ever see a dime? She can't count on that.

Lucy- see a lawyer, set a up your own bank account (a banker can help you so its discreet), start saving what you can and do not give him access, cut from your budget at home where you can. Start making small steps so you have a plan and don't feel helpless. Ask family and friends for help. Find a safe place to go, even if its a 2 bedroom apartment just go GO. Life will come together once you are out.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:44 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

Bigger posted 8/31/2020 11:50 AM

Is anything on or about divorce easy?

What would you guys have her do?
At least I'm posting suggestions on how to get out of this situation.

EllieKMAS posted 8/31/2020 12:31 PM

What would you guys have her do?
At least I'm posting suggestions on how to get out of this situation.
So is everyone else I can see.... See a lawyer. Make a plan. Figure out how to get the resources you need to get out by seeing a lawyer and making a plan.

She has to figure out a way to get out that doesn't entail her and her children living in a cardboard box. Yes CS payments could help, but that will take time to get moving and as pink said, should be secondary.

The point I'm making is that sometimes forward progress isn't as dramatic as moving out in 2 hours - sometimes it means breathing through those fears and coming up with a plan of attack to address them and coming up with a workable solution to get ones self out of the spot you're in.

The1stWife posted 8/31/2020 14:54 PM

Bigger. I think you may have misunderstood my posts and others who have responded on my behalf.

No one has said she should remain in an unhappy marriage or living situation.

We all provided support and advice to LiedtoLucy. Sheís trying to earn extra $. Step 1. I suggested a chat with kids to hide some time until she has enough $ to move out. Step 2.

Others posted other helpful suggestions to Lucy as well. Some take time to get in place. As some mentioned sheís not able to just move out without enough $.

Iím unsure why you feel the need to argue with me. I pointed out how $100,000 in income may not be enough. We donít have all the facts and I donít need the details. Lucy states sheís financially struggling and thatís what I accept at face value.

People can struggle who make $1mil a year for a whole host of reasons. Could be due to medical debt or high medical expenses or illness or just plain poor financial management and credit card spending.

IMO your comment referencing the income level was not necessary. Sheís struggling. Period. Thatís all we need to know.

And I suggest referencing that someone is helpless wasnít kind. Sheís asking for help. If you read LTLucyís post sheís out earning extra money on the weekends to try and get ahead. Sheís doing everything she can think of.

I think you owe her an apology. Sheís here for support. And she deserves it to be provided without demeaning or hurtful comments.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:02 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

Lifeexploded posted 8/31/2020 20:11 PM

Can you get a higher paying job? Work a few weekend nights as a server at a high end restaurant? My kids work at a place where servers make about $400-$500 a night on Friday and Saturday nights.

Good luck. It took me two years. I started an ebay business to earn a wage. Thats what you should do. Sell all his crap on ebay.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/31/2020 21:23 PM

I would suggest to not tell your WS and in laws you are taking your child to counseling! At first, I got my WS all involved, and it was a disaster. He kept trying to tell my kids they had it all wrong and didnít need counseling. Then, I got them into IC at the domestic violence for $1.00 a session. My kids had a very safe space to work it all out with the IC and are doing really, really well.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:24 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 9/1/2020 03:44 AM

Iíd say donít bring in more $$, bc you might be reducing yourchild support. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you in-laws have to live with you? I ask bc the first way to get peace for you guys is to get exclusive use of the house.
If you can get an atty and file for legal separation, your WS pays child support or he loses his drivers license (something all cheaters need).

When I was in your shoes (I only had a pt job ) my first step was to pay cash for a consult at an atty. I think it was 100 for a 1 hour consult. Money well spent! (I THINK if you can get a legal separation b4 the end of the year you can file HOH, and in my case claiming the kids, the child tax credit and EITC I got nearly $5,000 that first year. ) in later years I got a full time job, and got around $3,000. (Tax credits are dollar amounts you get over and above your usual tax refund. This influx of cash also does not count as income on SNAP, adjustment of child support, etc.,) Iím not a tax professional, so be sure to read up on that stuff.,

Also, if your income drops bc of a legal separation, you might can get on SNAP, then I think youíre Kids are then eligible for free/reduced lunch. They have their same # in the school cafeteria line, but the money is automatically there.. Guess what? Free lunch qualifies your kids to take the ACT and SAT for Free and possibly waive college entrance fees.

To be honest, it was so hard, but so worth it to be on my own.

Keep going forward with baby steps.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:24 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

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