SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone

I have just joined but found out in January this year that my husband used a prostitute when working away on a training course in February 2019. I’m still struggling to come to terms with it.

Background we have been together 12.5 years and married for 4.5. We have two children;a 5 year old and 3 year old. His mum was diagnosed with cancer in august 2018. She passed July 2019 and I know he was struggling. He also had a few job changes around then too.

In December 2019, something felt very off he had a training course and was going away. The course was the Monday but the company paid for a room on the Sunday night. He was so eager to get away, the kids had to be in bed early, dinner eaten quickly and kept checking his phone. So when he returned I looked at his phone and found a kik account with a message to a prostitute (I assume).

A few days later I had seen adultwork mentioned on other forums. So I used his email address to try and log in using forgotten password (his emails are logged on on our old forgotten about joint iPad). To my surprise a password reset came through. So I logged on, my surprise- hundreds of messages to prostitutes... looking through it seems like he only slept with the one (not that it matters how many). I went through our bank account and £160 was withdrawn twice January 2019 and December 2019. The December cash was still in his wallet, it paid for a lovely Christmas do outfit for myself and drinks for the night!

Anyway, he was kicked out. we then started talking. We went to couples counselling and he had individual counselling. We both decided to give it another go. I absolutely do not agree with paying for sex, it disgusts me. I’m appalled and ashamed of him.

I still can’t stop replaying it over and over.

[This message edited by Justkeepgoing26 at 11:28 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

Welcome to this particular club. I know in the case of my XWH, it was "just once" until I found more. Then it was 8. I don't believe it was just 8. I believe this was a hobby of his and it probably went on longer than I'll ever know. All I can do is offer you a virtual hug and hope that in your case, he is the rare one who only slept with one prostitute. Prepare yourself the best you can for it being more, though. I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

Slightly non-infidelity focused answer, more of a moral issue one.

I am one of those that doesn’t believe in the Happy Hooker myth.

As a cop I dealt with lots of people in the sex industry. I honestly didn’t meet a single one that could convince me that they were in it as a career of choice or vocation. They might claim they were OK with it, but then a Sue would tell me her happy friend Tammy overdosed, probably by intent. We had a good repertoire with most of these people and didn’t see them as adversaries. Nor did we see them as happy.

This is one of the billion reasons I personally will never pay for sex nor force sex on anyone.

But that’s my view. It’s about as valid as any other view.

I see you talk about having children. I’m assuming one is a girl, otherwise you would probably say we have sons, or we have daughters.

Ask your husband this: Irrespective of his decision to cheat on you, break the marriage vows and threaten your health with a possible STD.

Would he be OK with his daughter selling herself for sex?

After all – he’s OK with using the service and that prostitute was definitely somebody’s daughter. Just think it through: Your daughter could go through medical school without a dollar in debt!

Would he be OK with that?

What about your son? There are plenty of older women (and men!) willing to pay for a 20 year young stud.

If he’s not happy with those thoughts then why does he think it’s OK for HIM to buy the services of a woman? Doesn’t he think her dad might be impacted?

That password reset on a separate device is exactly how I "accidentally" discovered my deceased husband's online activities 5 months after he died. I was trying to recover pictures of the grandchildren.

I have discovered that my husband had a LOT of hang-ups about sex, and like DevastatedDee, there was more than one...more like an addiction.

Whether or not your reconciliation is successful, you absolutely MUST look after yourself. He has proven that he is capable of hiring and hiding a prostitute from you. This is not just "good old boys doing what good old boys do". He willingly risked your health, happiness,future. You must step back and take the advice that you would give a good friend trying to reconcile under these conditions.

IC is a must for him. I recommend it for you as well. I've done couples counselling (previous marriage), and I am not a fan. I found the MC tried to place blame on me. I did not cheat, and the problem in our marriage that needed to be addressed was the cheating. You are not to blame for any of this. His reaction to whatever trigger was to hire a prostitute. He is the one with the problem. You have to deal with the aftermath.

The people here are wise and kind and have built a fellowship based on mutual hurt. Listen to them. Sorry you had to find us, but welcome...

Thank you all

It’s definitely been a tough few months in lockdown. I just can’t get my head around it still.

The first thing I did was sti tests and all came back clear. It wasn’t only me he put in danger it was also my daughter As I was breastfeeding at the time. It makes me sick to my stomach. He was adamant he was careful

The first thing I said was what It was our daughter or son. I was horrified and that what keeps playing over and over again.

He will talk about it it doesn’t like talking about it. He knows I need to but I still don’t have a reason why. He just said opportunity. We haven’t had any issues prior. We had sex and a good marriage. It was completely out of the blue.

I keep looking into going about things on my own as I just want to prepare myself. I just don’t know where to start- we have a mortgage, car on finance. I work term time for a preschool doing 16 hrs a week but not in the school holidays- it suits around the little ones. But it’s not a huge income, I left my teacher career to be around for my little ones. I’m not sure if I will be entitled to help or if I could keep the house as it’s the children’s home. I just don’t know what to do or where to start. It’s an absolute mess.

Well, coming here is a good place to start. Welcome! You aren't alone.

I would also recommend a journal. For me, the journal really helped with circular thoughts. The things that just kept repeating in my head over and over. I also used it for future planning. It had an enormous 'if this, then this' chart.

Not for everyone, I know. But it might help you.

Right now you are still processing and grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had. Be kind to yourself...and patient.

Just because you talk to an attorney does not mean you have to file anything. You need good advice here about your situation. I personally would not share knowledge of this appointment with your husband. You are assuming that he is being truthful with you, and will act in a responsible manner. You can't assume this, he has already proven himself on both counts. It's up to him now to step up to the plate and reestablish trust. He either will, or he will continue in the pattern you have already seen.

Cheaters lie. It is a way of life for them. A character defect. This was not a one night stand that "just happened". This took planning. And money. Trust me when I tell you that what happens to the children are never the focus for a cheaters mindset. You must take the necessary steps to protect their future.

Reconciliation takes an enormous amount of work, and from what I have seen here, it IS possible, but does not happen without a major commitment from the wayward spouse. I never got it from my first husband, even though I desperately tried and wanted it more than life, and we divorced. My youngest was 2 weeks old and breastfed when I found out. It was hard but I'm still here. I never got the chance to reconcile with husband #2, but I am much older and wiser and I cannot imagine that I would have tried.

Whatever you decide is up to you. But you cannot make decisions based on fear. Fear based decisions are nearly always wrong. Get the facts you need to make a fact based decision and then stick to it. This is a HARD journey that you are on...one that someone forced you into. You MUST look at it realistically. Hugs.

He just said opportunity.

This is the part that's so scary for R. If he has come to view purchasing sex as casually and conveniently as hitting a drive-thru at McDonald's, the odds of doing it again go way up. The odds of it having been once are very low, sorry to say. I know this is hard and you're right at the beginning. I remember that moment when I was told the same thing and later discovered so much more. I don't want to add to your stress and pain, I really don't. I just want you to know that I'm here for you and if you discover a mountain of this hiding behind his supposed one time, I will know how you're feeling. Reach out anytime. This sucks to a degree that I don't even have the vocabulary to express.

There are so many things running through a BS' mind after dday.

They can kind of be separated into two things: The practical and the emotional.

Trying to sort into those two "boxes" is easier said than done, but to the extent any BS is able, it is helpful.

On the practical front. You've already had the STI testing (good for you!!)

But it sounds like you have not yet consulted an attorney. It is really important to find out YOUR rights. And having some understanding of the practical/financial issues if you were to S or D might help give some bandwidth to address the emotional side of things.

So, it may help to see an attorney (or two) to get an understanding of where you would stand if you decide you are not willing to live in a M that includes your WH seeing prostitutes (and I would echo all that Devastated Dee and other say on this front - if your WH is OK with seeing a prostitute bc it's an "opportunity", like getting McDonald's, there is a very high likelihood that (a) this wasn't the first/only time and (b) it won't be the last w/o some serious work on HIS part.

On the emotional front, you've come to a great place to get some support. Learning that our WS are/were not who we thought can be devastating. It is a traumatic event. Many BS will get a Dx of PTSD due to the intimate/relational betrayal by a person the BS believed "had their back" but really didn't. It can take a long time to accept that our WS are simply liars.

I still can’t stop replaying it over and over.

This is TOTALLY normal and common. We call them "mind movies" (or MM) in the infidelity world. A good INDIVIDUAL counselor (IC) can help. Many get relieve with EMDR, meditation, etc. What works for one person may not work for another, but there are several methods to help with the MM.

hundreds of messages to prostitutes.

So, whether he's actually sleeping with them or not, sounds like he's spending quite a bit of time exploring this. And this behavior COULD be a sex addiction (or SA). If you are able to find a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) in your area, I do recommend them. These are IC with specialized training in sex addiction. Ideally, any CSAT you seek would work from the "relational betrayal trauma" model. You can google "relational Betrayal trauma" and learn about it, and there is a good two-part interview with Marnie Breecker on Duane Osterlind's "The Addicted Mind" podcast.

Sorry you are here, but it's the best group for a group no one ever wants to "join"

Hi Justkeepgoing,

Our stories unfortunately have a lot of similarities. My WH also started getting hand jobs from "massage parlors" and then slept with a prostitute while his Mother was fighting cancer / about to die.

More of my story is in my profile. As soon as it came out my WH was contrite - confessed, told the whole truth, and did what he could to rectify the situation and try to work things out with me.

I basically agree with the advice that others have posted. I did want to comment on this though:

He just said opportunity. We haven’t had any issues prior. We had sex and a good marriage. It was completely out of the blue.

Please know that this was in no way your fault. Nothing you did caused this. This only happened because your husband was broken. It can be incredibly difficult to internalize this. But you did not cause it and you did not deserve it.

I am so sorry that you have to be here but SI is a great place to learn and get help.

Thank you all your advice is really helpful.

I definitely need to have a chat with someone ‘just in case’.

I don’t think this week has helped to be completely honest. We unexpectedly found out I was pregnant a little while ago. I know babies aren’t going to fix anything but it felt like a baby was sent and it was a sign things were going to be ok. Unfortunately our baby died and I miscarried on Tuesday. So now I feel I am completely up in the air and now Second guessing everything and him. We really wanted a third before D day. I really want it to work but just feel it’s going to take time. A long time! I don’t know if I will ever get rid of that worrying feeling.

I keep reading about WH doing the work but what should I be seeing, I understand every marriage is different. It just feels he has forgotten what has happened and it’s been pushed to the side.

Thank you all your advice is really helpful.

I definitely need to have a chat with someone ‘just in case’.

I don’t think this week has helped to be completely honest. We unexpectedly found out I was pregnant a little while ago. I know babies aren’t going to fix anything but it felt like a baby was sent and it was a sign things were going to be ok. Unfortunately our baby died and I miscarried on Tuesday. So now I feel I am completely up in the air and now Second guessing everything and him. We really wanted a third before D day. I really want it to work but just feel it’s going to take time. A long time! I don’t know if I will ever get rid of that worrying feeling.

I keep reading about WH doing the work but what should I be seeing, I understand every marriage is different. It just feels he has forgotten what has happened and it’s been pushed to the side.

Your WS needs to find a counselor and work on himself. This can take years.

Brushing it under the carpet is not going to work.

Forget marriage counseling until he does his IC.

He was seeing an IC but this stopped as we were both furloughed (UK) and money was quite tight. I’m hoping this will be rescheduled. The MC we had was ok but after several sessions we just felt that we weren’t really getting anywhere with it. It came to the conclusion that he wasn’t a SA. If anything im the more adventurous one than what he is (unless that’s just with me!) I’m still trying to take it all in but my brain in frazzled! I think what I find bizarre is that he chose a prostitute that actually looks like me. I find it quite creepy.

I am so sorry for the loss of your child! That's a horrible grief to be struggling with at any time, but especially right now.

I was the more adventurous one too with the higher drive. Well, who knows? Maybe it's a Madonna/Whore thing. Maybe he was less adventurous with me than he was with prostitutes.

@devastateddee

Thank you that means a lot, it’s been terribly difficult. It’s hard to hide the upset around my little ones.

I do think you are right about the Madonna thought! It makes sense.

One thing he did say. He got a kick out of the messages when he first started it wasn’t for sex it was because he felt wanted in weird way.

Hi, also, I am very very sorry for your loss.

My story is also somewhat similar. I lost a pregnancy, we adopted three kids, and then I found out by happening on a picture in his computer, that he had been with a prostitute. (How many, i’m not sure we ever know.)

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.

What Bigger said is so true and so applicable. I would, however add that if your H was concerned about how people were impacted...he wouldn’t have made the choice he did in the first place. A wife wants a H to be faithful simply because he loves her and is a man of integrity.

Please take good care of yourself and your babies. I wish you well in figuring out “where to go” from here.

I am sorry you are here. There are so many here who share similar stories to yours. Take care of your self.

I would have to say, very rarely is this a one time thing. Most always infidelity with prostitution also contains an addiction element. Usually starts with porn and progresses from there to other compulsive sexual things. I have never heard of "just once" when a prostite is involved. You may want to dig back a little further and see what you find.

This is what I am worried about, that it has happened more than once. He deleted the adultwork account so I cannot find out how many more. I have no idea if there are other sites that are used.

This is what I am worried about, that it has happened more than once. He deleted the adultwork account so I cannot find out how many more. I have no idea if there are other sites that are used.