SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nope to the power of nope...this is the path she chose, and it not up to you to provide her with an exit.

No new contact, no new pain....don’t let her in for any reason.

Have her talk to the hand. Ignore her.

I would talk to her. I would also thank her because you rebuilt your life which would not have happened if she stayed.

It's not your responsibility for her closure. Just as it wasn't her responsibility for your closure before. I respect your real wife's say and opinion on the matter, it's something I would say but wouldn't do. While it sounds good in nature, the back story isn't all that great.

I'm 2.5 years last Dday and over 1 D. I'll never forget her gaslighting my/our kids. Mind fucking them to fit her fake innocence. Taking/stealing money for her endeavors after our separation. That to me is more disgusting than the cheating at this point for me. Truly disgusting people that don't even realize why? After 16 years, this shouldn't be an issue!

Ive decided against doing it.

I say meet with her, although not because I am nice. Show up and have a brand new wallet in your pocket. Maybe even get one with her initial on it. When you meet, get it out and hold it sort of nonchalantly. Listen intently, like you're really expecting something good. When she's done with whatever it is she wants to say, open the empty wallet and say "Oh, I misunderstood, I thought you were here to make amends for stealing all the family's money and forcing them to beg friends and neighbors for food during the height of a scary medical crisis. Joke's on me, eh? Again." Then laugh, put the wallet back in your pocket nd walk away. Words are meaningless without action.

Or something like that.

I know your daughters love her and to me, this is the hardest part of infidelity because they have forgiven her without her ever being truly sorry or ever making any sort of amends. And the fact remains, your DD's lives are good today only because they had one strong, decent, good parent who did what he had to do to get his family through the worst type of storm possible. And yet, they pine for you to be kind to their mother. Which is, of course, totally natural. Which leaves us in a dilemma of wanting them to know but not wanting them to know, if that makes sense. So I see nothing wrong with reminding XWW of the pain and suffering she caused. But quietly and privately, of course.

[This message edited by josiep at 7:08 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

GoldenR

Ive decided against doing it.

Just read your Bio, again.

I believe you have a tremendous habilita to ivercome infidelity by cutting out cheaters from your Life.

I think is a great strategy!! But for some of us is way harder to do, and after, let go.

Based on the above, I think you are doing the rigth thing not meeting, or talking to her!!

Golden, I wouldn't meet with her either.

Nothing good would come out of it nor would she get any of this "closure" that some have mentioned.

I understand your daughters wanting the two of you to be cordial to one another (which it sounds like you are), however I would sit your daughters down to let them know moving forward you don't want to hear about their mother. As far as you're concerned the subject is dead. If you see her you'll be cordial (family events etc) but you don't want to talk about her at all (or hear about her).

If they ask why bring up the the backstory of what she did (which I believe they already know) and just say "two great things came out of us being together (our daughters) and for that you're grateful but as for talking or hearing anything about her and what's going on with her life (and between them) you'd prefer not to go there anymore moving forward".

It doesn't mean you're bitter or holding a grudge or it's still a painful subject because from what you've written over the past couple of years it isn't. It's just a subject that's wasting time and time is too precious.

Just my two cents.

I would like to add that your ex wife has no respect for your current marriage ! Wanting to talk to you in private. Um no. I sense a trouble maker.

Don't do it. She walked out on you and the kids when you needed her. Now she's putting DD in the middle, sending letters through the person she abandoned in order to manipulate you into reading them. Selfish, entitled behavior - still! She hasn't changed, and good for you, for recognizing that in her words. If she wants to be selfish, she can be responsible for her self too. She'll have to make her own closure.

Bless your sweet real wife, but she owes this woman nothing. It's not her or your responsibility to make XW feel better. Nothing is gained by letting her creep into your world or your heads in any way. Boundaries are good.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 9:50 AM, September 23rd, 2020 (Wednesday)]

Booyah, the wallet thing is super funny. Honestly though, I wouldn't let her know you still care or are hurt by what she did. She hasn't changed, so it's not like she's going to feel compassion for you and have an "oh my gosh, what have I done?" reaction you might be looking for. She's held on to her entitlement and blame shifting for a decade and a half!

Ive decided against doing it.

I think it is the smart, healthy, and most self-empowering choice that keeps focus on you and your life.

So glad you’re not doing it Golden T!!!

Good call

Hellfire

Golden, my friend, you know I'm not going to be subtle here.

Fuck that fucking bitch. Fuck her closure. Fuck her apology.

She abandoned you and her kids. Any woman who walks away from her kids deserves zero time from you. She cleaned out the bank account, knowing you had nothing to feed the kids on. That's heinous.

Nope. No meeting. No fucks given.

Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.

Westway...

I'm stealing that.

After some investigating, I realized the investor was embezzling the company and had got his money back multiple times. When confronted he left but took with him the documentation and code for our solution.

Bigger, the interesting thing for me about your story is that I used the embezzlement/business partner analogy here on SI the past few weeks (knowing it happens in real life all the time just like another big 10 transgression like adultery) to explain to a poster why forgiveness and R and D were separate things and should be kept separate.

I explained that anyone betrayed by an embezzling partner would be unlikely to ever “take back” that partner or remain in any kind of partnership with them. And would certainly not start a new partnership with them unless they really just wanted to face bankruptcy again.

If the embezzler was a troubled soul perhaps plagued by a gambling addiction (FOO, the fog, CSA) the faithful partner might wish them well but would not want invite them to continue to sit at the table to run the business.

It’s like that for me regarding adultery - just took me a little while to process and figure it out.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:40 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

Golden R

Sorry, a little late to this party. I too have a ex wife from over 20 years ago. I do not interact with her at all, in fact I haven't said anything to her in 20 years.

We have two (now adult) children together, and both of them do not encourage any interaction between us. We have 2 grand children that she rarely interacts with.

I seen a picture of her that my daughter had about 2 years ago. I honestly did not recognize her. The years have not been kind to her.

About a year ago I was going through a drive thru to get a cup of coffee, while getting in line with my car, a "little old lady" walked in front of my vehicle. Low and behold it was the ex wife. I was in shock. She did not notice it was me, in fact didn't even look at my car.

And that is the way you should handle your ex. Don't even bother to look.

Take care.

prissy4lyfe

Westway...

I'm stealing that.

I wish I could take credit but that's off the internet. Google it. There are some really funny memes based off that quote.

If any other woman said she wanted to talk to you alone, would you do it? Doubt it.

If you do it, bring your wife and/or kids with you or say her husband has to be there along with whomever you bring. Alone isn’t an option.

If she genuinely wants to apologize for closure or your benefit, she won’t care who sees it. In fact, it might even be great closure for the kids and everybody if they were there. If she doesn’t want people to see it, that means she is doing it for herself and for her to feel better. Then you can ice her out with a clean conscience.

Giving her a chance to indulge her one sided emotional affair with you privately doesn’t benefit anybody.