Apparently, my refusal to meet face-to-face forced some strange movement on her part. About mid-morning Friday I received a package by a private courier service with the return address of a local Attorney’s office. Just to be clear, I was NOT served any legal documents. Inside was a cover letter, a three page document, and a sealed envelope with “I beg you, please read this. STBX”.
The cover letter was basically an introduction letter stating they have been retained by my STBX to represent her in possible divorce proceedings. It went on to talk about their clients desire to make this process as amicable and painless as possible. The three page document is a proposed division of property. And I might add, it’s not bad. It’s actually better than our opening offer.
The letter from the STBX was a ten page handwritten (legal pad paper front and back) confession/explanation/pleading/understanding of my desire to divorce. And I guess it sounds strange at first but, hell it makes more sense than anything else going on in this crap show.
At eighteen she fell for a guy that was 24 years old. He was her first and she fell hard. Yes it was the AP. Her parents did not like it and after only three months, they moved in together after her father and her had a huge fight over him. She says the first few months were good but he started to isolate her from her family and after about a year together the physical abuse started and not long after that the sexual abuse. She says that before she realized it she was in this weird relationship where he controlled every aspect of her life. After three years, her mother, who was having to sneak around to see her, saw bruises on the back of her neck and she eventually confessed to her mother what was going on and that day she packed her things and moved her back home. He caused some minor trouble when he found out she left but her dad handled it pretty quickly. Plus she felt pretty sure he was seeing other women by that time too. She also confessed to aborting a baby, without his knowledge, at some point prior to leaving because she was afraid of having his kid.
She got her life together and went to nursing school and two years later we met. She had moved on and she tried to forget about that period of her life. She wishes now that she had told me. She thinks if she had, then none of this would have happened because I would have helped her. But at the time she was afraid if I knew I would not want her. She offered any details I wanted during that time but warned me that the last six months of being with him were bad and she would need some time to get it all out.
Originally, she told me that she saw him next in July of 2016. Which was true. At the work function. What she did not tell me was that he flirted heavily with her and to her surprise she was receptive. She told him she was married and that was it. But, over the course of the next few weeks, he would randomly show up at her car when she got off work. He was apologetic about how he was when they were younger and she said over time she felt like he had changed and even felt sorry for him. She thought it was cathartic for both of them that they had this closure. This led to a couple of lunches. But according to her they had no physical contact other than brief hugs when they would meet and when they said good-bye. At some point the lunches became once a week and she began to talk about our marriage. The good and the bad. This led to feeling like he had changed and she felt they still had this connection because he took her virginity. It was a full blown emotional affair and as she put it, “she was back under his spell like before”. She knew about two weeks prior to the day they first had sex that she was going to sleep with him. He had kissed her and she let him. And from there she had let it spiral out of control. She did it and knew it was wrong. But she was caught in the fantasy of “what might have been”.
She then confessed about continuing the affair by way of sexting and “stuff”, but they never had any physical contact. She said now she realized he was afraid of me and would not meet her. His fear of me was greater than his desire to actually have her physically. She realizes now that everything that happened after I discovered the affair was not because he cared about her. It was about getting back at me and she willingly helped him. And she will never forgive herself for that. She said it ended in late February 2018. Her reasoning for it continuing is she thought I was leaving anyway and was afraid to be alone. And that coupled with their weird dynamic of him in control justified it in her mind. She said she would provide as many details as I want but would prefer to do it in the company of the family therapist. She gave no reason why. I did learn her mother knew I was not aware of their prior relationship before and after the affair. Not that the affair had continued but she knew who he was and that I was unaware of their prior relationship and she had an affair with him.
Yes I responded with a text. It was very short. “I am bothered that you did not confide in me years ago about what you went through. It would have never resulted in my leaving you. Whether you told me ten days into our relationship or ten years into our marriage it would have not made a difference to me. But everything after July 2016 is unacceptable and frankly disgusting and disturbingly cruel to put someone you're supposedly in love with through. And that not only includes me, but your children too. As for getting further details from you, I am not sure yet whether it matters or I care. I will forward your offer to my attorney”
Friday, I scanned and emailed the offer to my attorney. She is out of town visiting her oldest daughter. Come to find out she’s a single mother of three adult children. Saturday morning she responded via text with a “WTF?”. Which I might say cracked me up. She said that was a first for her. We talked by cell for a few minutes and I told her about the letter and the contents. I then read her my reply and she didn't see any issue with it. SO I sent it.
The children know nothing of this at all. I have ignored three phone calls from my ex mother in law. And the only reply from the STBX was “I am so sorry and ashamed of myself. I will do whatever you ask. Just let me know.”....and that’s it folks.
I just don’t care. I’m not really angry. I think the minute she decided she was not going to tell me about this prior relationship was the dumbest thing she ever did. Not because I deserved to know, but because it obviously affected her so bad. She tossed away the one person in the world that truly would have moved heaven and earth to help her get whatever she needed to heal. I still have no explanation from her for what she said while drunk. Her use of “stuff” to describe what she was doing until Feb 2018 was massive minimizing. Maybe she would come clean completely if we met face to face. I don’t know. But if it happens I’m not doing in front of anyone else so they can prop her up.
I think about how fast this has taken place but in reality, I have been dealing with this for three years. I have read on this board how some wives and husbands have just left and the betrayed are left with no answers. So I guess I’m lucky I have as much info as I have. I’ve read AHGuy’s story and think how much he has been through and never knew of his wife’s long term betrayal until recently. And Mrplspls finding out thirty years later. I am just astounded by the lack of any self respect or the massive inner loathing these cheaters must have to be able to do these things to people they profess their love to everyday.
I think I am in an okay place right now. I am fifty years old. I have a great career and have spent years being careful with my money. I’m in good health. I have two wonderful young adult children that I know love me. Even though I find myself alone at a time in my life I always envisioned my wife and I would be planning and going on trips and enjoying our new found freedom from the responsibility of raising kids, I'm not sad about it. I am a little scared of being alone again but I’m not sad. I absolutely have a plan for the coming months. I will be divorced as soon as possible. And life will go on.
I left a lot of details out but they don’t change the big picture. I will answer any of your questions and welcome any of your advice and observations but, as far as I am concerned it’s a wrap.