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SeeYaIamOut, it's called "Daddy Dom/Little girl." It's disgusting age-play where the "dom" has the participant act like a toddler. Wear pigtails, suck binkies, wear diapers, it varies though. The bottom line is it has them acting like a child, which any grown man (and any woman indulging this) being attracted to that - something is seriously wrong with them. But you didn't need me to tell you that. I'm so sorry, I just wanted to provide an explanation as to what you are seeing, as you seemed perplexed.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:25 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

Faithfulman I owe you a HUGE apology when I respond to your post with this..

I don't believe her mind is "warped". I think she truly made systematic bad decisions based on selfish behavior and got caught up in a fantasy and was not prepared for the resulting reality....Pisses me off but I really believe that at this point.

Her mind is definitely warped.

SeeYaIamOut, it's called "Daddy Dom/Little girl." It's disgusting age-play where the "dom" has the participant act like a toddler. Wear pigtails, suck binkies, wear diapers, it varies though. The bottom line is it has them acting like a child, which any grown man (and any woman indulging this) being attracted to that - something is seriously wrong with them. But you didn't need me to tell you that. I'm so sorry, I just wanted to provide an explanation as to what you are seeing, as you seemed perplexed.

In a way but not like I think you mean it. I'm perplexed at him making these demands of her and she is following them. Eagerly. It's like you would imagine someone addicted to drugs doing whatever it takes to get a fix. I saw photos of her in a public restroom somewhere performing for him. Another in a restaurant where she took a picture exposing her breasts and the wait staff is behind her in the picture unaware. It's a type of risque behavior that is potentially self destructive. Any one of those acts could have cost her her license.

And it's worse reading the dialogue surrounding it. The stuff I described above I only saw the pictures in passing so I have no context yet but still its disturbing.

Don't get me wrong she was always adventurous in bed but nothing...nothing like this.

Just trying to insert a little humor here....

I like the PowerPoint/Keynote presentation idea. With music.

One idea.....” Someone to kill the pain” by Roxanne

Or maybe go romantic....”All out of love” by AirSupply

It could be a keepsake you give to her after the divorce papers are signed.

[This message edited by ramius at 4:19 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

No need to look any further. Do as has been recommended, put it all on a thumb drive or a zip file and send to your attorney for safekeeping. Otherwise, don't torture yourself with this.

You just got all the confirmation you needed to move full speed ahead. After that, grey rock her as much as you can to successfully co-parent.

And be glad you got this confirmation. Any doubts or pangs of guilt you might have had about moving forward with D are now gone! You can move forward confidently into the future now.

I'm perplexed at him making these demands of her and she is following them. Eagerly. It's like you would imagine someone addicted to drugs doing whatever it takes to get a fix. I saw photos of her in a public restroom somewhere performing for him. Another in a restaurant where she took a picture exposing her breasts and the wait staff is behind her in the picture unaware. It's a type of risque behavior that is potentially self destructive. Any one of those acts could have cost her her license.

She liked doing it. She liked the thrill of possibly being caught but getting away with it. She liked the attention he kept giving her too. It is like a sub/dom thing but there's nothing special about it in terms of manipulation or brain washing. It's consensual.

IMO you should consult with your attorney prior to confronting your wife with the additional information.

I'm sorry for your distress - but I'm glad you discovered what you need to move forward more decisively.

Your wife is not the girl you married. She's someone else now. How/why is anyone's guess.

You have an advantage because you now know your wife is just a typical selfish cheater that was/is not remorseful (doesn't regret hurting you); and does not love you as much as she values your contribution as a parent and wage earner.

Although it hurts now, going forward that burner phone frees you from the white knight syndrome to not only exit infidelity asap - but to also take a relatively stronger negotiating position.

Painful.

Disappointing.

Unfortunately not surprising.

Wishing you strength and fortitude for what you will be doing next.

Damn. Well at least it adds context to her recent drunken statements about the love of her life.

The odd cheater is remorseful at the harm they have caused. Yours is in survival mode. If she had any sense or remorse for that matter she would have come clean years ago.

The venom your wife spat at you in her drunken stupor was not without cause. She craves the dynamic she shared with this other fool. Why else keep this phone loaded with incriminating evidence if not to keep the fantasy alive. You had the truth that evening. If she had any sense she would have destroyed the phone long ago. You have nothing to save. Your new discovery merely confirms this.

Do as your lawyer instructs as best you can. Sitting on your new discoveries will be difficult especially if she starts up the bullshit for how sorry she is. When you have what you want as far as a settlement you can then consider if the matter is worth confrontation or saving it for later. When she tries to bullshit you about how much she wants to save the marriage then ask her why she was still in contact with the other man in 2018 and why she was sending nudes and videos to him. Offer no details of how you know.

Take some comfort in the fact you did your best to try to work on things while she tried to undercut it all. You should have no further doubt that you have chosen correctly to divorce. You found more of the damning truth and that wasn't even what you were looking for.

You have in your possession excellent leverage should she prove difficult. You can offer to keep her secret from your kids if she in return offers a favorable or at least fair divorce settlement to you. You can also request that she leaves you alone/stays out of your life once and for all. This is a hammer you can drop on her anytime. She won't like it but it is the shit sandwich she made. You have her over a barrel one way or the other.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 6:11 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

Brother, again sorry for to read about the second DD.

Has or did you wife exhibit a submissive side in your relationship?

The ongoing text, phone and email thing continuing sound like it was for a mutual gratification, more him than her. Her side was the thrill and the secrets; she knew what would happen if caught but chose to go down that rabbit hole.

A good question would be 'how could she be committed to R with this going on in the background and on a daily basis'.

She must have a great mind for the sub diffuse. Sounds like your a comfort choice not a love choice.

There will be many suggestions for confrontation from others.

You don't want her to hurt, some may say to mess with her mind. Just let her know you have what you have, seen what can not be unseen, read what is burned in your mind and that there is no chance to be as one.

Please be careful not to hurt her mentally with the confrontation.

For STBX her true whys have never been addressed.

The children don't need to know the full extent, but they may need to be told of the continued contact if they ask why?

Yes life needs to stop kicking you in the nuts.

One day at a time and get a groin guard.

These are all selfies I presume.

So once you confront, you will need to work cooperatively and with your lawyer to keep these off the net. For your kids sake, not hers.

My experience has a lot in common with yours.

Let me just say that I understand why you want to read it all, to know what's been done.

But consider that you will have to live with the knowledge forever.

It's not always easy.

I'd say skip the confrontation. You want to fuck with the exWW, just grey rock her. No need to tell her or the kids any of the new material you have.

Confronting her will just confirm for her what she already knows. If you just grey rock her, she will never know if you know those other things that you found on that phone, she will wonder for yrs why. How and maybe if Seeya found that info.

Plus you're getting a D. No need to read, see anymore of those text of pictures either. Save yourself from future PTSD, just put that shit away in safe keeping if you think you'll need it for leverage. Otherwise, I'd just move on man. You've already wasted 3 yrs, 3yrs you're not going to get back. WHy waste anymore precious time.

Spend the time you were going to spend reading those text with the kids. Its a much better use of your time, and mentally better for you all. Seriously!

The other reason you may not want to reveal to the ex that you know this new information, and its makes you hate her that much more is it probably wont help your D. I'd play the card that you may want to R, string her ass along. Let her have hope, and in return giving you a better D. Going ballzout is only going to get her to be more defensive, and less likely to get you a favorable divorce.

Follow your lawyer's advice and do not confront her.

Here's why: when you divorce you will file for sole custody of your son. If she contests it your lawyer will roll out those videos and her lawyer will tell her to settle. There is no way her lawyer will want a judge to see those videos.

Indecent exposure is a crime, one that gets people on the sex offender registry. She engaged in reckless, criminal behavior that put her professional licensing in jeopardy. If nothing else it shows an extreme lack of judgement.

In the meantime, in counseling, ask her if she has been completely honest with you. Ask her if she really did end things when she said and had no further contact with her AP. She'll lie and that will be the closure you need, because you'll know who she is.

The more I read of your story the more sickened I am by her. She was insisting on a “date night” clause while holding onto a phone with all of the twisted “mementos” of her affair.

This is absolute darkness and her sentiments of keeping you around like some trained monkey to be her provisioner, daycare service and pack mule is vile and nauseating.

I don’t say this often if ever but this seems to have an almost demonic element. I’m not one to jump to that but this is beyond disturbing.

Get out with your skin intact. Now.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:26 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

Holy shit. Can these be used so that OP doesnt need to pay for child support? Alimony or anything?

And what of the OBS. Still in the pic? Whats the plan after confrontation.

Thank god I got lazy and asked my chauffeur to drive me today. I almost fucking hurled in disgust at your ex’s behaviour. The blatant lie to the face and disrespect. Oh my fucking god I am an aethiest but damn if there is not a special place in hell for that kind of cruelty.

Everyone pause and take a breath.

No it won’t affect child support or custody. No it won’t affect her professional license. No it won’t mean alimony.

Rolling the pics out during divorce discovery as a shock device is worthless. Playing hide the ball is worthless.

Why she saved the stuff is beyond description but the only issue here is whether it’s a deal breaker, and whether the om has them and will put them out for others to see. This has to be a cooperative endeavor.

The man needs to process all this. He has a lawyer who is working this through. Everything is on the right path.

He was already out the door, and this is a capper. We can all agree that his wife is a liar and a fraud and that she is manipulative. And that she is an idiot for posing like this and saving the shots.

But in this modern age, it’s not unusual as many on this board can attest. See ya will deal with it.

Having said that, I sure would not want to be in her shoes when the cat comes out of the bag. Just chalk it up as yet another wayward who thought she was smarter than her H.