SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is treated for generalized anxiety disorder. She has IC and is on two medications from a psychiatrist. I don't think she has been diagnosed with depression.

I believe there is a significant overlap with GAD depression and compulsive sexual behavior, which doesn't mean these people cant be safe partners but it does mean they have to be entirely committed to acknowledging their own behavior and vulnerabilities .

If she has the insight to work on herself through therapy and medication that is a good starting point . Eventually she should approach MC the same way .

To me still all window dressing until the AP is out of her life forever. I’m sorry I continue to be blunt about this.

Every time she sees him she remembers what they did whether they discuss it or not. Whether she thinks badly on it or not. And you only can wonder what goes thru her mind when she sees him.

Sit down with her and tell her this is the month she finds a new job. Offer to sit with her as she applies. Normally I would not recommend a BS help their WS find the new job, but you’ve never approached things “normally” so if you want to help her spiff up her resume, so be it.

Not taking the step to find a new job says to me she can’t imagine not having the opportunity to see him even occasionally.

You have a partner that seems to white knuckle every step of rebuilding. Half assing it thru reconciliation is not a recipe for a happy future.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:02 AM, January 17th (Sunday)]

The issue I see with the Christmas gift is two-fold: A. She doesn't understand that she has to step up and do better post infidelity and B. She didn't own up and communicate to you what was going on as it was happening. If she had been honest say on Christmas Eve, this whole shit show could have been avoided.

-Everything is stacked on top of each other and we did a big thing for our anniversary

You mean the anniversary that prompted the conversation below? The one that you didn't care about and were unenthused about? The one where the primary focus was on HER?

WW mentioned the trip just now, "Dinner, spa, sex. Yay! Well if you are nice to me."

Me, "We'll see."

Her, "Do you want to be married or not? Shit or get off the pot."

The anniversary wasn't about you and making you feel appreciated in the slightest and her own words made that clear.

-Gifts have never really been that important in our relationship before, and she has not gotten me things before and it didn't matter then

That's not exactly true though, isn't it? You've been disappointed before but decided it wasn't worth making a big deal over. After infidelity, the lack of effort is just another nail in the coffin.

-She actually DID get me something last minute for my birthday so it's not fair to say she didn't get me anything twice in a row

Again, it's about not stepping up post infidelity. It's about not scheduling time to prioritize you over herself, friends, kids, etc. Which stings more because she KNOWS that this is a problem. You've talked about it. You've fought about it. But her actions still don't live up to showing she gets it. Did she really not have 15 minutes to brainstorm in the week leading up to your birthday? Maybe order something online which again takes mere minutes? She did. She simply chose not to and thought that it wouldn't be a big deal. She knew she had to do it but figured whatever she wanted to do for those 15 - 30 mins was more important than giving you a good birthday. Hell, a nicely written card probably would have gone a long way for you in proving she was thinking of you and would have only taken her 10 minutes tops. Same could be said for Christmas or she could have just communicated with you like an adult instead of allowing you to feel rotten and humiliated on Christmas day. But her negative feelings of even having to admit that trumped yours again.

-She got me a classic car for father's day (my dad's old car from his estate which does net turn into taking cash out of our bank accounts for the car and I wasn't expecting to get it).

That's good but begs the question - if she could arrange all this, why couldn't she put a little effort into your birthday and Christmas? It didn't need to be a multi-hour ordeal. It's a task she could have completed at any point in minutes. So why didn't she?

And this is doesn't even scratch the surface of how looking at jobs isn't nearly as good as APPLYING to jobs and why looking isn't enough either. Have you asked her how many resumes she's sent out or if she has an interview coming up? THAT would be her actions living up to her promises. Stevesn is right. Why not help her out and get it done?

TiF, I think you're in for another crash because all of the real issues aren't being addressed. She can't get a new job if she doesn't apply for one. She'll lose steam and stop even bothering to look if you don't press the matter like she always has in the past. She will disappoint you again in the future by not prioritizing you over herself and others and she doesn't even really see the need to change that as long as she gives a decent enough list of excuses afterwards. She's not really seeing you, your pain, or your needs right now and the only action you're seeing from her is enough to stave off a D she doesn't want. You can't make her see it. Her IC maybe can but sounds like it's not on the IC's radar if it's not on her radar. This is all just a long, slow crawl to another drama explosion and D. The least you can do is take some control, set some hard boundaries (like you must submit X number of applications/resumes by date Y), and see if she can respond positively in that way so that you can finally hopefully start to move forward.

To me still all window dressing until the AP is out of her life forever. I’m sorry I continue to be blunt about this.

Every time she sees him she remembers what they did whether they discuss it or not. Whether she thinks badly on it or not. And you only can wonder what goes thru her mind when she sees him.

Sit down with her and tell her this is the month she finds a new job. Offer to sit with her as she applies. Normally I would not recommend a BS help their WS find the new job, but you’ve never approached things “normally” so if you want to help her spiff up her resume, so be it.

Not taking the step to find a new job says to me she can’t imagine not having the opportunity to see him even occasionally.

You have a partner that seems to white knuckle every step of rebuilding. Half assing it thru reconciliation is not a recipe for a happy future.

I don't really *like* the white knuckling and that she works with the AP. I do think at this point it is easier for her to white knuckle and she has had very little work contact with him.

His physical office is closed permanently. He is now a remote only employee. If for whatever reason there is any reason for them to be in the same place at the same time, I guess we will return to the subject...

The issue I see with the Christmas gift is two-fold: A. She doesn't understand that she has to step up and do better post infidelity and B. She didn't own up and communicate to you what was going on as it was happening. If she had been honest say on Christmas Eve, this whole shit show could have been avoided.

-Everything is stacked on top of each other and we did a big thing for our anniversary

You mean the anniversary that prompted the conversation below? The one that you didn't care about and were unenthused about? The one where the primary focus was on HER?

WW mentioned the trip just now, "Dinner, spa, sex. Yay! Well if you are nice to me."

Me, "We'll see."

Her, "Do you want to be married or not? Shit or get off the pot."

The anniversary wasn't about you and making you feel appreciated in the slightest and her own words made that clear.

-Gifts have never really been that important in our relationship before, and she has not gotten me things before and it didn't matter then

That's not exactly true though, isn't it? You've been disappointed before but decided it wasn't worth making a big deal over. After infidelity, the lack of effort is just another nail in the coffin.

-She actually DID get me something last minute for my birthday so it's not fair to say she didn't get me anything twice in a row

Again, it's about not stepping up post infidelity. It's about not scheduling time to prioritize you over herself, friends, kids, etc. Which stings more because she KNOWS that this is a problem. You've talked about it. You've fought about it. But her actions still don't live up to showing she gets it. Did she really not have 15 minutes to brainstorm in the week leading up to your birthday? Maybe order something online which again takes mere minutes? She did. She simply chose not to and thought that it wouldn't be a big deal. She knew she had to do it but figured whatever she wanted to do for those 15 - 30 mins was more important than giving you a good birthday. Hell, a nicely written card probably would have gone a long way for you in proving she was thinking of you and would have only taken her 10 minutes tops. Same could be said for Christmas or she could have just communicated with you like an adult instead of allowing you to feel rotten and humiliated on Christmas day. But her negative feelings of even having to admit that trumped yours again.

-She got me a classic car for father's day (my dad's old car from his estate which does net turn into taking cash out of our bank accounts for the car and I wasn't expecting to get it).

That's good but begs the question - if she could arrange all this, why couldn't she put a little effort into your birthday and Christmas? It didn't need to be a multi-hour ordeal. It's a task she could have completed at any point in minutes. So why didn't she?

And this is doesn't even scratch the surface of how looking at jobs isn't nearly as good as APPLYING to jobs and why looking isn't enough either. Have you asked her how many resumes she's sent out or if she has an interview coming up? THAT would be her actions living up to her promises. Stevesn is right. Why not help her out and get it done?

TiF, I think you're in for another crash because all of the real issues aren't being addressed. She can't get a new job if she doesn't apply for one. She'll lose steam and stop even bothering to look if you don't press the matter like she always has in the past. She will disappoint you again in the future by not prioritizing you over herself and others and she doesn't even really see the need to change that as long as she gives a decent enough list of excuses afterwards. She's not really seeing you, your pain, or your needs right now and the only action you're seeing from her is enough to stave off a D she doesn't want. You can't make her see it. Her IC maybe can but sounds like it's not on the IC's radar if it's not on her radar. This is all just a long, slow crawl to another drama explosion and D. The least you can do is take some control, set some hard boundaries (like you must submit X number of applications/resumes by date Y), and see if she can respond positively in that way so that you can finally hopefully start to move forward.

I didn't really make the list of her excuses about to go through them one by one and why the don't really matter and she should just be trying harder. I've had that conversation and I received an adequate apology and further recompense. I'm not going to beat her over the head with it indefinitely, and certainly not as a proxy to me simply being upset she cheated on me. If that's how I feel, I'll say, "I'm upset you cheated on me." If I feel taken for granted, I'll let her know (again). She will apologize (again) and make recompense (again). Honestly, that cycle by itself is probably not going to drive me to divorce. I'm much more likely to if she even make a whiff of an attempt to be in the same physical location as AP ever again.

She has successfully given me what I asked for recently. Just yesterday, she saw I was getting wound up (it was mostly about work). She gently asked if she was doing anything relationship-wise that was contributing to my stress. I said no, she seems to be doing a good job. She reassured me that she loves me, wants to be with only me, and gave me a massage that night. I'm celebrating the gestures like this that matter even after her previous failures.

My mom came to visit recently, and my wife got sad before bed because she missed her mother and we talked about it. We also talked about the blow up she had with her dad. She was vulnerable with me and cried, and I supported her. Now, I know that supporting her through her pain is not really "my job" or whatever, but it is good to know she does feel better about sharing these feelings with me than she did before. She also let me know that she is anxious that I could end up like her father. Her father was very upset that he put up with so much from his wife, that he supported her, she divorced him, then killed herself. I see this level of openess about her anxieties as fairly major progress.

Is my capacity for pain and forgiveness too high? I don't know. Maybe. It is clearly high. I don't feel like I'm headed for a crash this time, but that could always just be the hopium.

I will say this. As conflicted as I am about the whole thing (to the brink of divorce and back multiple times), it makes me hesitant to give advice to others around here other than to take good care of yourself, that betrayal will make you feel torn in half, and the road to recovery can be long and hard. Also makes me a little hesitant to share anything close to definitive future plans for myself. Since this cycle lasts about two months, I'll say something really definitive about divorce in Feb or Mar

It's back to observing my WW's behavior. Comparing it to before. Comparing it to the needs I have, and whether she is accommodating those needs. Making the needs concrete has apparently made my feedback after fights more consistent and is starting to set in. I feel safer in how she is behaving and how she is treating me.

This will be a short update. Nothing major to talk about really, but I think in this case that's a win. Another good week in the books.

The biggest victory was after we watched an episode of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. For those of you that haven't watched it, it's about a woman that gets betrayed by her husband who is an aspiring comedian and then she falls into doing stand-up herself.

Anyway, this episode, her WH asks another guy about whether or not forgiveness is real. How he feels like every day he gets kicked in the head for what he did. The guy says forgiveness isn't real, but it also doesn't matter. My wife and I talked about what she did, and whether or not forgiveness was real and whether it mattered (we agreed it does exist and does matter).

She says she does feel that kicked in the head feeling every day and that she is sorry about what she did. I reiterated that I forgive her (for her initial affair) and that we were on a good path. We had an honest and vulnerable conversation about her affair without any defensiveness and it didn't get heated. I see that alone as a good sign.

That is good to have such a discussion. She should be starting more like that with you.

But I would like to see her then take it a step further, on her own, and show recognition that the kick in the head she feels cannot compare to the 1000 Kicks a BS like you feels when they realize their spouse is cheating on them and blatantly lying to them about it.

Can she make that leap and show empathy and compassion for that even when discussing her own pain on the subject of her awful choices?

That is good to have such a discussion. She should be starting more like that with you.

But I would like to see her then take it a step further, on her own, and show recognition that the kick in the head she feels cannot compare to the 1000 Kicks a BS like you feels when they realize their spouse is cheating on them and blatantly lying to them about it.

Can she make that leap and show empathy and compassion for that even when discussing her own pain on the subject of her awful choices?

In fact she did say that. I didn't really tell you guys the entire conversation but she said, "It does feel like getting kicked in the head everyday. It sucks. I also know it's not nearly as bad as what you have had to deal with." She said that prior to her repeated apology.

Posts like this remind me that there can be important details left out when relaying our stories (in either direction really).

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:14 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

Might I recommend a written Performance Improvement Plan?

Treat her as an employee. Really, that’s what she is. And write up a formal PIP (you can find models of these on the Internet), along with a time to “check in” to unofficially re-evaluate her ability to pivot, and a formal reevaluation after she has had the chance to improve.

It should look like this:

1. I expect gifts for all holidays. I require a check in to discuss this. (TRANSPARENTLY ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Don’t expect her to mind read, and get into a cycle of you didn’t read my mind. Ask for what you want.) the upcoming holidays are: Valentine’s Day, my bday, Boxing Day, whatever.

2. I do not want you to work with your AP. You should apply for three jobs a week.

3. I want you to clean the toilets every Monday.

We will reevaluate this on Monday at 8am over coffee, and I will place a numeric grade. This will give you time to improve before our official on the record reevaluation.

Treat this like a PIP. You will become more rational and not fall prey to the lovebombing.

A mature defense mechanism. Use it.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 1:54 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

Treat her as an employee. Really, that’s what she is.

I'd venture to say marriage, even in reconciliation, is more like a business partnership than an employer/employee relationship. She has an equitable share, and as such, she is responsible for the profits and losses. Each can decide whether or not they wish to continue doing business or cut losses and invest elsewhere. I just don't think approaching this with an employer/employee model will ultimately be beneficial in getting the actual results TiF wants.

I appreciate the advice on the PIP, but I more or less agree with KingRat. Even in business, usually a PIP has nothing to do with improving anyone. It is meant for recording their ongoing failure to have a fully justified reason to fire the underperforming employee and not pay unemployment.

I need no such justification to end my marriage. A call to the lawyer because I feel like being married anymore is all that it takes. I don't need a case. What case I have has no bearing on the outcome for anyone. So why bother to build such a case?

All that said, I did at one point suggest a "relationship thermometer" that we could each set like a fire hazard thing outside a national park. No one seemed to like that idea. MC, my IC, my wife. Apparently too prone to tit-for-tat issues and a focus on the negative.

Anyway, I do have a specific and clear list of needs and wants (not reproduced here, but it has lead to significantly better understanding on her part since it was given to her).

Well, I have followed your story @This0Is0Fine. I thought the big problem--one that you seem to have made a lot of progress with BTW--is that you didn't seem strong on your expectations and needs from your wife. You seemed MUCH too passive when it came to your wife and the lax way she handled her boundaries. You kept caving.

(I know some may say that it is on TIF's WW to be the one doing the work to become a safe partner, and that includes figuring out what needs to be done. Yes I get that. But then that leaves remaining either the paths of divorce or staying unhappily married. And clearly TIF does not want to divorce.)

A big part of your pain was outside of the affair itself--it was all those instances where your wife was putting you second, and all those "WTF?!?" instances where you found out one after the other of yet another of your WW's friends (and sister) who were themselves WW in long-term affairs keeping it from their husbands.

She needs to be clear that you need her to put her family first--you and the kids--and that you need her to have strong boundaries. You both have to stay out of infidelity, and that includes her circle of friends and sister too. She also needs to be clear that she cannot go on making new male friends gay or not for the time being (that may or may not be a boundary to you but in either case I think it should). And that she needs to quit her job and find another one.

In any event I am glad to hear that things are turning a corner....

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:35 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

I have been too passive.

I have set specific boundaries and needs as it relates to her friendships. She dropped the problematic friendship. She hasn't pushed back on that at all since the week long separation and delivery of that need. She has also been much better in being supportive, empathetic, owning her actions, and not being defensive. All things I needed.

The job is the job. It's really not causing me any anxiety or heartache right now. Do I wish she had a different job? Yes. Is it risky for her to continue to stay? Yes. Is she actively engaged in her EA? No. Is she looking for better opportunities? Yes. With her recent promotion, compensation is better, and she is clearly valued where she is. I am not pushing for an immediate change. If I NEEDED that though, I would push for it. Not avoid the topic.

The idea of determining the job description of the spouse in a marriage and giving her a to-do list seemed a bit strange to me. Okay, they may have some similarities with work, but what are the main expectations from marriage? You may have to work in a job you don't like to make a living, but what interest can there be in continuing a loveless marriage?

Will you feel more loved just because she's doing the To-Do list? I don't mind anything done just because I said it, even if it is something that I wanted before. I want my spouse to do it willingly. I expect my spouse not to try to please me, but to be pleased to please me.

I would like to feel loved and respected in marriage / relationship. And this is not something that can be achieved by fulfilling my orders.

They may not always know what will or will not please us. But does it matter a lot if we know they sincerely did it for us?

They can do things we don't want from time to time as well, but the criterion here is clear: do they know what they're doing is wrong? Cheating is one of the main ones. There is no room for discussion on that issue. If something is hidden from you, the person who is hiding it definitely knows it's wrong.

TIF

The job is the job. It's really not causing me any anxiety or heartache right now. Do I wish she had a different job? Yes. Is it risky for her to continue to stay? Yes. Is she actively engaged in her EA? No. Is she looking for better opportunities? Yes. With her recent promotion, compensation is better, and she is clearly valued where she is. I am not pushing for an immediate change. If I NEEDED that though, I would push for it. Not avoid the topic.

She is not going to leave that job and quite frankly at this time would be crazy to do so unless a stupendous opportunity fell in her lap. The reasons??

(1) you have been to the brink of filing for divorce so where does that leave her if she fucks up again and you file??

(2) you agreed to let her keep the job and have limited contact with OM, which still occurs and you cannot stop.

(3) she knows that unless you catch him with his dick in her the chances you are going to pull the trigger are miniscule.

Now, all of that is OK, EXCEPT that you and all the rest of us are in an :artificial: situation now because of the COVID. But that will end at some point, and prior to the virus you already knew the date she would be out of town in the same hotel with him. That at some point will happen again. And whats your plan??? Trust her??

I have set specific boundaries and needs as it relates to her friendships. She dropped the problematic friendship. She hasn't pushed back on that at all since the week long separation and delivery of that need. She has also been much better in being supportive, empathetic, owning her actions, and not being defensive. All things I needed.

Heres the thing she has NOT done. Yup, she dropped the gay guy friend. But she has NOT shown any distaste for a OM who after all the havoc he participated in creating for you in YOUR life had the balls to ask her to go out on a date while talking supposedly about "business" ,quite possible while you were sitting in the next room.

And did that piss her off??? Nope, she initially accepted.

You keep insisting she is not pining for him. My question is why is she not pissed off at him? Why has she not told him if he pulls a stunt like that again she will go to HR and claim "harrassment" which will surely get his ass in front of HR regardless of what the policy is on firing anyone. Why would she still even consider having him as a "friend" even if you didn't say a word about it.???

So your problem trancends her job. If she quits tomorrow, ask yourself these questions

(1) do you believe with all her other contacts at her job that it will not be as simple as apple pie for him to find out how to contact her at work?

(2) and what do you believe she would do??? Hang up or talk to him. >??? I know what I would bet on.

(3) The OM has no respect for you. What do you believe she would do if he shows up at a happy hour at her new job if she finds one.

(4) what do you believe will happen when she is back in the office and she goes out with co workers or "friends".

What has never been answered is WHY for a year she has refused to stop wanting to have anything to do with this guy unless you give her "conditions" that you insist on.

That is your problem my friend.

My guess is her peer group of vipers still tell her you are being overly demanding and controlling. After all, she didn't fuck him supposedly. Has she deleted any of them.???

So bottom line is, everyone knows your are going to have Marriage With reconciliation, but on her terms because you are not going to insist on any verification from her.

TIF

The job is the job. It's really not causing me any anxiety or heartache right now. Do I wish she had a different job? Yes. Is it risky for her to continue to stay? Yes. Is she actively engaged in her EA? No. Is she looking for better opportunities? Yes. With her recent promotion, compensation is better, and she is clearly valued where she is. I am not pushing for an immediate change. If I NEEDED that though, I would push for it. Not avoid the topic.

She is not going to leave that job and quite frankly at this time would be crazy to do so unless a stupendous opportunity fell in her lap. The reasons??

(1) you have been to the brink of filing for divorce so where does that leave her if she fucks up again and you file??

(2) you agreed to let her keep the job and have limited contact with OM, which still occurs and you cannot stop.

(3) she knows that unless you catch him with his dick in her the chances you are going to pull the trigger are miniscule.

I don't disagree with anything here.

Now, all of that is OK, EXCEPT that you and all the rest of us are in an :artificial: situation now because of the COVID. But that will end at some point, and prior to the virus you already knew the date she would be out of town in the same hotel with him. That at some point will happen again. And whats your plan??? Trust her??

Even when work reopen's the physical branch he works out of is permanently closed. He is a remote employee now and forever. Travel circumstances could bring everything to a head but we have a few plans to make it easier for me to verify what she is doing on any future travel. What exactly we would need to do would depend on what she could show me before hand to be sure he isn't also traveling.

I have set specific boundaries and needs as it relates to her friendships. She dropped the problematic friendship. She hasn't pushed back on that at all since the week long separation and delivery of that need. She has also been much better in being supportive, empathetic, owning her actions, and not being defensive. All things I needed.

Heres the thing she has NOT done. Yup, she dropped the gay guy friend. But she has NOT shown any distaste for a OM who after all the havoc he participated in creating for you in YOUR life had the balls to ask her to go out on a date while talking supposedly about "business" ,quite possible while you were sitting in the next room.

And did that piss her off??? Nope, she initially accepted.

This is a difficult observation, in that she has shown distaste for him since July. It's hard to convey how these conversations have taken place, but she says she doesn't like him, wishes she didn't have to work with him when she does have to work with him, that he is a painful reminder, and it would be easier if she just changed jobs. "So just change jobs then!" Allegedly working on it.

You keep insisting she is not pining for him. My question is why is she not pissed off at him? Why has she not told him if he pulls a stunt like that again she will go to HR and claim "harrassment" which will surely get his ass in front of HR regardless of what the policy is on firing anyone. Why would she still even consider having him as a "friend" even if you didn't say a word about it.???

Well he hasn't pulled "a stunt like that" since July. So, the rest of the question is a bit moot. She did relay to him that if they were, for any reason, to meet physically, that either I and OBS would also be there, or at least be made aware of the meeting and the reason for the meeting. I confirmed the delivery and receipt of such a message.

So your problem trancends her job. If she quits tomorrow, ask yourself these questions

(1) do you believe with all her other contacts at her job that it will not be as simple as apple pie for him to find out how to contact her at work?

(2) and what do you believe she would do??? Hang up or talk to him. >??? I know what I would bet on.

(3) The OM has no respect for you. What do you believe she would do if he shows up at a happy hour at her new job if she finds one.

(4) what do you believe will happen when she is back in the office and she goes out with co workers or "friends".

What has never been answered is WHY for a year she has refused to stop wanting to have anything to do with this guy unless you give her "conditions" that you insist on.

That is your problem my friend.

To me, these are all exactly the same arguments as to why the job effectively doesn't ACTUALLY matter because the job isn't the problem, is it? It's the A and the potential that she could restart it with her AP.

1) It would be easy.

2) If he called, she would probably pick up. They have not been in contact. She would probably assume it was an emergency related to work. If it wasn't about work, she would quickly end the conversation and let me know (allegedly).

3) We actually talked about that. She would let me know he showed up and promptly leave.

4) Honestly, I think her mental health will improve dramatically and she won't be so damn stuck in her own head. I strongly believe she will not start a new affair with a new coworker.

My guess is her peer group of vipers still tell her you are being overly demanding and controlling. After all, she didn't fuck him supposedly. Has she deleted any of them.???

They are not, unless she is communicating with them underground.

She has not deleted them because they are good friends. I realize that I'm far too stupid, and far to forgiving (most likely). I've pointed out that these people have done things not just to support my wife, but to support me in hard times, and just generally throughout life.

The prime example here is the close friend that had the 3 year LTA. I don't think I could have predicted any of the happenings that occurred following my discovery of her affair and telling her husband about it. Fighting with her about it. Fighting with my WW about it. Her forgiving me (I know there isn't really anything to forgive, but I'm an understanding guy) and having a long heart to heart about why her LTA was unacceptable, how it impacted my trust in my WW, and why I thought them condoning each other's affairs was a massive fucking problem. Her showing remorse, apparently going NC, doing what she could to repair with her H. Then eventually thanking me for outing her A.

I think she is safe now. In the time I've known her she has done a lot of favors for our family, and us for her family. We are very close.

What I thought would happen was: WF disowns me as a friend for going behind her back and outing her to her husband. My wife gets upset that I "ruined their marriage". I get divorced. Everything is over then, in April of last year. That's what I thought. Somehow that didn't happen.

I don't expect my WW to disown her sister. I don't expect her to disown her good friend that she was roommates with for years.

So bottom line is, everyone knows your are going to have Marriage With reconciliation, but on her terms because you are not going to insist on any verification from her.

And you can all be here to say "told you so" in another month or so.

It's ok. I get it. Somehow I do think we are going to break through the cycle this time. Something about Lucy, Charlie Brown, and the football...

ETA: Regarding the friends that were involved in affairs, I do see them now as more of a "wayward side forum" type rather than a bunch of people condoning affairs. Sharing their struggles in recovery and reconciliation honestly and discouraging cheating. With considerable verification of such discussions.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:02 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

Sounds like all that filth, thanks to your actions, is being cleaned out, of not only your life but also of the lives of your wive's circle of other WWs and their BHs. Go Cap'n Infidelity

But, yeah. Establishing a strong boundary and letting it be known that you cannot live with that filth, turned out to be good for everyone. Go figure...

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:38 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

Double Post

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:38 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

Just read this thread.

This sounds like a recipe for a death by a thousand cuts!

So sorry!

Do no what you have to do FOR You!!!

You’ve gotten so used to making your needs smaller and smaller that you think basic human decency and compassion from your wife is a great accomplishment in her part. It’s really really sad.