Hey Charity
Thanks so much for your reply.
I definitely could do with a visit to the doctors for some sleeping tablets or something. I have very bad anxiety which affects everything, although this has crept in over the years. Some days it’s hard to function though.
I’ve taken a sleep aid tonight - If you’re in the US you may know the tablets I’m talking about, ibuprofenPM - they’re blue with a sleep aid. Half a one usually knocks me out so fingers crossed.
Writing things down is a great idea. I’ve actually been writing notes to myself about situations and what i must do if this outcome happens. I’ll start applying it to other things too.
It’s so hard not having anyone to talk it through with. I’m
certainly not excusing him, but sometimes situations aren’t so black and white. Everyone is different and handles things differently.
Yesterday I convinced myself that he had gone to hers after work and switched his location sharing off. (He doesn’t even realise I switched it back on). He doesn’t know I can access his phone. My thoughts spiral out of control and become more and more extreme- I was pacing the floor last night, ready to confront him and chuck him out.
I feel much calmer tonight..
I’ve not even found anything incriminating since I confronted him back in April. Although I know they’ve been in touch. But they work in what is now a very small team, they’ve lost around two thirds of the team do to COVID and so it’s been a stressful summer. I don’t want to feel sympathy for OW at all but it’s probably been pretty tough for her. She lives in a shared house with 3 or 4 others, she’s no family in the UK,. Lockdown must’ve been tough. My H is the type that finds it very hard to be mean, unfriendly to anyone. If you heard him talking to our neighbour you’d swear he was trying to hit on her, but she’s gay and he’s not - it’s just his keenness to help.
We get on well. We don’t argue. He does sometimes drive me insane but we just lost our way.
Things definitely feel easier after sleep. And he’s a great support with my family. They live a long way away and he drives us all there every couple of weeks. Or whenever I ask. My parents love him. He throws himself into anything they ask for help with.
I shall definitely try to make my exit plan. Write things down. Things I’ll need to do and start looking into it. Detach emotionally. It feels like a mourning period almost.
I guess I’m trying to stay one step ahead and when I feel like I’ve lost my lead, it panics me.
I’d really appreciate any more help, advice, experience. Thanks all