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Need a hand hold

Grundy456 posted 11/2/2020 19:27 PM

Itís been a while since I posted.
Discovered my partners affair back in April and confronted him. He straight away admitted it, but later briefly lied about who the OW was. A work colleague but he named another.
We talked, he regretted, wanted us to try again, swore it was over.

Throughout the summer she has been furloughed and I believe they werenít in contact. I can access his phone, although he doesnít know this.

Fast forward to now and he is back in touch with her and has been for a few weeks now at least.

I asked him and he said sheíd messaged a few times but he has told her to stop.

I donít believe him. I think itís fully back on. Iím a paranoid wreck and realise I canít go on living like this.

My mental health has taken a huge battering and Iím really struggling. The lack of sleep is killing me. Alongside this, my mother has terminal cancer and now only a few weeks to live. My father is waiting for a further tests and results but will likely also get a cancer diagnosis in the coming weeks.

Iím working full time from home and have 3 high school children. No real life support. I feel so overwhelmed.

I know I need him to go. I feel so heartbroken that weíve come to this but also that he can lie to me the way he has and appears to continue to do so.
But Iíve no proof and then wonder if my mind is just running wild. I just donít know where to turn

Chili posted 11/2/2020 21:02 PM

Oh Grundy - what a mess.

You have so very much on your plate - no wonder you are struggling.

Can you prioritize what gets your emotional investment right now? Like - put him and his crap on the back burner for a moment and focus on your parents and kiddos? And especially - your own self?

I know you can't go on living like that, but is there a way to give yourself permission to deal with it when you can? Apparently he's going to do whatever selfish and hurtful things he's going to do. Whether you're policing him or going through a stressful time. Guess it doesn't matter to him. So is there a way to make him not matter to you right now? You're not denying what's going on - just not investing for the time being.

Don't give him your attention - don't cater to him - don't let him suck up all your energy.

Maybe check in with your doctor and tell them what's going on - that you could use some help. Lots and lots of people are needing a little situational help right now - whether for mood or sleep and managing the stress.

I know time is limited, but can you make a household rule that for example on Thursdays from 6-8, it is Grundy's time. And use it for whatever will give you support. A virtual support group or counseling? A hobby? A walk? Or use the time differently each week to try and tend to your mental health in a way you see fit.

And keep posting here - there are lots of folks going through their own versions of tough times. You're not alone.

Grundy456 posted 11/2/2020 21:35 PM

Thank you chili

Iíve tried to put this off but I just donít feel I can. His lying and cheating. Iím taking it to heart too much.
Iíve no one to confide in, literally no one. My parents arenít in a place to support- Iíve supported them for 3 years now and Iím exhausted.
My work is suffering. Iím running on empty. I donít sleep.

I want to put this off and to sone extent I have been. Heís very supportive with my family, in a practical way. They love him and will be heartbroken.

Everything seems better with sleep, I just canít seem to though. My mind is whirling. I drop off but wake minutes later in a panic.
Iíve taken relaxants, nothing helps.

I guess Iím wanting to fight, to rant, to cry and be hugged and for someone to look out for me.

Charity411 posted 11/3/2020 10:44 AM

Grundy, I feel so bad for you. I remember this phase. You wish your brain had an off button so you could close your eyes and not see anything.

There were a couple of things that got me through this phase. One was seeing my doctor who prescribed anti depressants. Insomnia is a symptom of depression and you certainly have much to be depressed about. They didn't mask my feelings. They gave me back the tools I needed to deal with what was happening. Sleep is one of those tools. Within two weeks I was able to sleep for more than an hour at a time.

The other thing was something a friend who was a councilor taught me. When so many things are swirling around in your head it's hard to formulate a plan. When something came to mind that was insurmountable, I'd write it down on a list. Things like I had to find a job in a new city, find child care for my 6 year old, sell my business and things like that.

After I had a list I would pick one item on it and spend no more than a half an hour every morning planning how to solve it. I'd list what the worst case scenario was of that item and write down possible ways out of it. I'd spend a half hour a day until I had a plan for that item. Then I'd move on to the next item on the list. Before you know it, you have a game plan, instead of the swirling tornado of horrors in your head.

You'll get through this. You just have to get out of thinking you can handle this the same way you've always dealt with things. This is a whole new ball game that requires new ways of looking at things.

You are not alone. You have all of us to lean on. As much as it might feel like you need him right now, at least emotionally he is doing more harm than good. Detachment from him will serve you well while you are dealing with ill parents and kids during a lock down. Your mind is not playing tricks on you. My ex did the same thing, trying to throw me off the scent of who the AP really was.

Grundy456 posted 11/3/2020 15:38 PM

Hey Charity

Thanks so much for your reply.

I definitely could do with a visit to the doctors for some sleeping tablets or something. I have very bad anxiety which affects everything, although this has crept in over the years. Some days itís hard to function though.
Iíve taken a sleep aid tonight - If youíre in the US you may know the tablets Iím talking about, ibuprofenPM - theyíre blue with a sleep aid. Half a one usually knocks me out so fingers crossed.
Writing things down is a great idea. Iíve actually been writing notes to myself about situations and what i must do if this outcome happens. Iíll start applying it to other things too.

Itís so hard not having anyone to talk it through with. Iím
certainly not excusing him, but sometimes situations arenít so black and white. Everyone is different and handles things differently.

Yesterday I convinced myself that he had gone to hers after work and switched his location sharing off. (He doesnít even realise I switched it back on). He doesnít know I can access his phone. My thoughts spiral out of control and become more and more extreme- I was pacing the floor last night, ready to confront him and chuck him out.

I feel much calmer tonight..

Iíve not even found anything incriminating since I confronted him back in April. Although I know theyíve been in touch. But they work in what is now a very small team, theyíve lost around two thirds of the team do to COVID and so itís been a stressful summer. I donít want to feel sympathy for OW at all but itís probably been pretty tough for her. She lives in a shared house with 3 or 4 others, sheís no family in the UK,. Lockdown mustíve been tough. My H is the type that finds it very hard to be mean, unfriendly to anyone. If you heard him talking to our neighbour youíd swear he was trying to hit on her, but sheís gay and heís not - itís just his keenness to help.

We get on well. We donít argue. He does sometimes drive me insane but we just lost our way.

Things definitely feel easier after sleep. And heís a great support with my family. They live a long way away and he drives us all there every couple of weeks. Or whenever I ask. My parents love him. He throws himself into anything they ask for help with.

I shall definitely try to make my exit plan. Write things down. Things Iíll need to do and start looking into it. Detach emotionally. It feels like a mourning period almost.

I guess Iím trying to stay one step ahead and when I feel like Iíve lost my lead, it panics me.

Iíd really appreciate any more help, advice, experience. Thanks all

TruthIsPower posted 11/7/2020 16:23 PM


I shall definitely try to make my exit plan. Write things down. Things Iíll need to do and start looking into it. Detach emotionally. It feels like a mourning period almost.

I guess Iím trying to stay one step ahead and when I feel like Iíve lost my lead, it panics me.

Have you, guys, set strict and explicit boundaries for your H?

Grundy456 posted 11/10/2020 04:33 AM

Iíve made it very clear that I wonít stand to be in a 3 way relationship. Contact with her needs to stop.

Iím losing my mind as heís not telling me the truth and covering his tracks well.

Iíve struggled with my conscience but Iíve put a recorder into the car and Iíve heard enough of his conversation with her to know.

It sounds like she is getting fed up and he is not prepared to let her go. She wants to meet up but heís saying itís not possible at the moment but soon.

I know what I need to do. I just donít know how to get the strength

The1stWife posted 11/10/2020 07:22 AM

A small suggestion for your horrible situation.

Stop focusing on him. You know the truth. Heís lying and cheating. You donít need proof. You donít need evidence. You just need to move forward with your life.

Get some steps together. Get a plan to at least get out of infidelity. That doesnít mean D or Separate. It means you stop trying to make him ďget itĒ. Stop trying to get him to stop lying and cheating. Stop trying to make changes in him.

Make changes in YOU and your future. Make plans without him. Meaning you go out on Saturday and heís not included. Heís not welcome. You can sit in your car for two hours - it doesnít matter.

What matters is that you are becoming independent of him. And starting to heal yourself.

fareast posted 11/10/2020 08:15 AM


Please focus on you and your health, especially eating healthy and getting sleep. You will get through this and you need to heal and feel independent. Make a plan for your independence and focus on one step at a time. The process will not feel so overwhelming. You canít control him or his actions. Good luck.

jadedangel posted 11/10/2020 08:51 AM


This right here:

You canít control him or his actions.

Read it again and again. It will save you from suffering more grief and heartache. I wished I had realized it sooner.

He is not going to change. Know your worth. Talk to attorneys. Make a plan. Get those ducks in a row and go from there.

Is it possible that this might wake him up? Yes but don't count on it. You don't have to live this way. Take care of you.

barcher144 posted 11/10/2020 11:28 AM

But Iíve no proof and then wonder if my mind is just running wild. I just donít know where to turn

You are easily justified in leaving him. It's up to him to make you feel safe and secure after his affair. The fact that you are not safe and secure means that you are not in R and... so D is totally okay.

And I will tell you... it's super common for betrayed spouses to feel an enormous burden lift after we decide to D (and I mean, fully accept that we are going to divorce). No more uncertainty. No more lack of trust. An opportunity to move on, to rebuild.

Cooley2here posted 11/10/2020 13:01 PM

Please note that your reasons for defending him are surface things. Itís easy to be nice to people we donít have an emotional connection to. Thatís the way societies keep the wheels turning. Kindness is when you never hurt people but especially those who trust and love you. Is he kind? Not if he is cheating. Would you be happier if he wasnít in your life? Do you stay upset all the time? Someone is not being kind to you. You deserve respect and kindness. Demand both.

Grundy456 posted 11/10/2020 14:18 PM

Thanks everyone.

I realise I donít need evidence, my feelings should be enough. But for me, I want to have no doubt. Heís covering his tracks well and denying everything. I donít want him to be able to tell the children that Iíve gone crazy and this is all my fault because he done nothing wrong. I want to be able to look them in the eye and tell them that i was 100% sure of what I was accusing him of. By this I donít mean to absolve myself of any wrong doing, weíve both made mistakes along the line but ultimately, I was prepared to give him a chance and he carried on lying.

Iíve no idea how Iím going to be strong Enough to deal with this, even bit by bit. I just wish I had someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me itíll be ok. I have no real life support .

I need to mourn. I need to get my ducks in a row, detach emotionally and try to work out how Iíll afford to go it alone.

BrokenheartedUK posted 11/10/2020 14:47 PM

Grundy, I don't know what other evidence besides the VAR you need but you might want to try Dr. Fone or another software that undeletes texts. If you buy the program you can download what you find off of his phone. You'll need his passcode on his phone and if he's being protective about his phone you'll need to probably do it when he's asleep.

As others have said, you don't really *need* proof-you already know enough. If he accuses you of lying or whatever, you know what you know and that's really all you need.

Please go to the GP and get sleeping tablets. Also the feeling when you say that you're losing your head and panicking is anxiety. Also discuss that with your GP. Finding an IC right now can also help you tremendously.


it's super common for betrayed spouses to feel an enormous burden lift after we decide to D (and I mean, fully accept that we are going to divorce). No more uncertainty. No more lack of trust. An opportunity to move on, to rebuild.

I agree with Barcher completely on this. You will feel so much better once you get over the wall and declare your freedom. This is no way to live.

Grundy456 posted 11/10/2020 15:08 PM

Sorry Iím not sure how to quote and stuff but thank you broken-hearted - I have all I need now. What I heard confirmed what I suspected. Thatís all I needed. I can access his phone but thereís really no point in putting myself through further stress and heartbreak. Because heís deleting everything but I can see heís using the app by his battery usage, I had to have no doubt about the reason for their contact.

I have it. Iím done. Itís over.

Iím breaking down right now. I want to cry, mourn and then Iíll come round and accept itís over.

Iíll need to confront him again. But I need to have a plan in place and stick to it.

Can I ask how you broke the news to children? Mine are 11 and 13. How do you tell them? What do you tell them? And when? Now? Closer to when he moves out? A day before? A week before? The day? What are peoples experience?

The stress and anxiety will hopefully lift a bit now that Iím no longer wondering and I can build up some strength.

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