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Divorce/Separation :
Just a vent

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 Belle25 (original poster member #63676) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

WH and I have been separated for about two years with every intention of divorcing; he asked if we could wait until the New Year to file for tax purposes, and that was fine with me.

We are pretty amicable, all said. Two daughters who we share 50/50 custody of. They are very close to both of us, so with the help of a very good IC, I have learned to move past the anger a little bit and tolerate him.

He told me the other day that he is seeing someone seriously. It's not anyone he was involved with while we were together. And while I am not jealous - I definitely have zero romantic feelings for him and am in a relationship myself - there is some old anger resurfacing. It wasn't just cheating, but also severe alcoholism that I helped him through.

I know he didn't do the work to become a safe partner for anyone. So why does he get to ride off into the sunset and find someone new, after shattering our family? I wanted to ask him if he informed her of his serial cheating and alcohol rehab, but I know that wouldn't solve anything, and would just give him a reaction.

I know I can't let this gnaw at me and it doesn't change anything in my new fulfilling life. But there is something about it that just makes you want to smash rocks, isn't there? Thanks for "listening".

posts: 66   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018
id 8607778
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 6:49 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

Oh yes, this crap is infuriating. They get all the love-bombing and infatuation and excitement of a new relationship and we get therapy ;/ However, it's not likely to go well, if that's any consolation.

I wouldn't want to be her for anything. I'm sure you wouldn't either. But yep, they just keep on trucking.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8607835
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:24 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

I wouldn't want to be her for anything.

While my STBX hasn't stopped dating since we were married I can only feel sorry for his next victim. I am sure as soon as something becomes serious he will rub it in my face or who knows he may have multiple serious GF's.

They aren't riding off into any sunset they are riding into hell remember that.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8607858
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:34 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

You have been heard. I totally get it. There is nothing fair about infidelity but it is a pretty safe bet to know that he is just setting up his next victim.

((Hugs))

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6483   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8607895
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

So why does he get to ride off into the sunset and find someone new, after shattering our family?

I understand your feelings but rest assured, if he hasn't done the work, he's really only going to repeat the same bullshit, different circus with the next person.

And if she has low expectations and self esteem, or is young and dumb, or whatever combination, it may just result in the kind of long term relationship that seems happy.

My Ex has been with the same GF since 5 months after I ended the M... or 5.5 years now. I was completely surprised that this has lasted as long as it has but at this point a) I don't care and b) when I think about it I'm just relieved he's completely off my hands.

Play the long game, have faith that you'll come out ahead because you're not a shallow, selfish, low standards/morals douchecanoe.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3432   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8607897
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:13 AM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

You unloaded the booby prize and now some new unwitting victim has won him. She will now have to spend her time figuring out your former Mr “Wonderful”.

He’s not sailing off into the sunset. You are.

And you are leaving the dead weight behind.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14760   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8608034
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Trust55 ( member #60672) posted at 1:57 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

Amen to what the 1st Wife said

Me - BS - D Day 03.19.2017 ( 2 days before our 31 wedding anniversary)False R Divorce in progress FILED JUNE 2017,
TRIAL JUNE 2022! It’s pretty sad married to a LIAR and CHEATER.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 8608167
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 5:28 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

WH and I have been separated for about two years with every intention of divorcing; he asked if we could wait until the New Year to file for tax purposes, and that was fine with me.

This is not necessary. If you get divorced in 2020 then you would have the option of filing as either married or single. If you file now and you are not divorced in 2020, then you are married. Filing for divorce does not affect this.

My STBXW filed for divorce in October 2018. We filed as married for 2018 and we could have filed as married in 2019, but neither of us wanted that.

it is a pretty safe bet to know that he is just setting up his next victim.

This. So this. It's important to remember the parable of the scorpion and the frog. Most people don't change and those that do change have to work really hard at it.

My STBXW was cheating on her current BF the last time that I was able to check (my primary source of information was her cell phone activity -- she has since gotten onto her own cell phone plan). And, I am now hearing rumors that her current BF finds her decision making to be questionable (she bought a Chesapeake Bay Retriever puppy about a year ago).

So, honestly, pity the new girl... but otherwise, remember that he's neither your circus nor your monkey any further. Maybe think about how it will affect your kids though.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5421   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8608270
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twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 5:56 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

It is now her circus and her monkey.

You get the benefit of working on yourself so that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. All he has is empty promises and more heartache in the future.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 492   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8608280
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BigBlueEyes ( member #71441) posted at 9:42 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

Honestly what makes you think he will be any different with a new partner!

Unless he has worked hard on himself & figured out his why’s etc he will just rinse & repeat.

I wish my EX would move on...couldn’t be faithful while married but decides now we’re divorced that he’s my soul mate...now he knows ‘he really doesn’t want anyone else’

Enjoy your life without the drama you deserve it.

Maybe keep your fingers crossed it blows up for him...just to see karma at her finest

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8608418
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

Belle25 it is never going to be fair. I do know very well how you feel. You and I and most of us here married a*#holes, and we just have to suck it up and hope that we don't pick another bad one in the future.

Your XWH will continue to be a screw up as long as he doesn't get help for his issues. His new fiancée will live to regret it.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8608431
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 10:03 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

BigBlueEyes

I wish my EX would move on...couldn’t be faithful while married but decides now we’re divorced that he’s my soul mate...now he knows ‘he really doesn’t want anyone else’

My serial cheating STBXWW says the same thing to my daughters: that I will always be her soulmate and that I am the only man that she could ever call husband. Except that is all I am to her. She never saw me as her lover, that title was reserved for her boyfriends.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8608434
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BigBlueEyes ( member #71441) posted at 8:34 AM on Friday, November 13th, 2020

My serial cheating STBXWW says the same thing to my daughters: that I will always be her soulmate and that I am the only man that she could ever call husband. Except that is all I am to her. She never saw me as her lover, that title was reserved for her boyfriends

These people really are their own brand of special huh

Honestly makes my head spin.

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8608566
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