SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So your youngest is 16 years old.

IMO...you should free yourself. From the alcohol, the drugs, and your WW. Wait until your oldest is out of the house if you like, but life is too short to spend it being miserable with a half ass wife.

Like Westway said....you are keeping yourself in this prison.

“friend “ who we’ve not seen for maybe 8 years saying to my wife he “always had a crush on her “ after she started putting her LinkedIn profile in order recently.

It is important for her M that she as the want, knowledge and ability to shut down comments like these. She will get them anywhere but from a LinkedIn account, which is supposed to be professional is not cool.

From your story it seems your wife still puts out the "I'm available vibe" Is she open for IC?

You can get a lot of help here to begin your journey into your own recovery and it is a good place to start but as others have said, you might need IC to talk this through.

As a recovering WW myself, there's a lot about your wife's story that feels familiar to me. I, too, had my head up my ass about "hurting" OM. Your WW and her AP were mirroring each other in classic AP fashion: both saw themselves as powerful and irresistible, when in fact, they were arrogant and pathetic. If your WW saw AP clearly, she'd have to admit that she was just a pawn in his game to get some ass and exert power over you. Acknowledging that would destroy her fantasy life, where he fell head over heels for her and was left pining helplessly. (That his romantic attachment was a fantasy is pretty clear from the "meddling" comment, which is unusually arrogant, even by the standards we typically see here.) She has a lot of work to do in figuring out why she wanted that cheap validation badly enough to betray you repeatedly to get it.

SO much more (mostly my decline into extreme wayward behaviour out the back of the A, totally zero before) which I’m not sure I can even bring myself to say here ,let. alone to her.

Well, that's interesting, too. Are you hiding infidelity from her? Why does she think you're "even" now? Did you post this in General rather than JFO because you're a madhatter?

a woman you will increasingly realize is morphing into a fishwife as her menopause kicks in and whatever nurturing aspects of her personality she still has faded

WTF does menopause have to do with any of this? A woman of a certain age will turn into a "harridan" once the nest is empty?

“Meddling in the affair....”. How about your marriage?

This deserves a Judge Judy roll of the eyes.

I cant do another 10 years of this shit that’s for sure

Then believe what you are telling yourself, you have answered your own question.

I'm merely a few months into the SI community - I cannot imagine enduring what you've been through thus far.

Everyone needs to find their own path and process.

While some here call for shock and awe, I would encourage you to be alert, proactive, and follow advice re: consulting an attorney - do an exhaustive search to find the right one with experience in your specific situation (they all say they know about infidelity - you're looking for one with specific experience dealing with clients at your life stage, with your financial situation, etc, etc). Get into IC, also with the right practitioner. They key, IMO, is to get it right - find the right support, then make your plan.

You've been carrying this a long time, unless you feel an acute need to end your marriage this December, take this time to study and learn - know - what you really want.

You will find support here, but do not hesitate to challenge the chorus if something doesn't feel right.

Good luck.

“Is your WW completely remorseful and committed to the marriage?”

Yes

You describe your thoughts and inability so far to find peace/healing/whatever you want to call it.

Very gently, the solution is in you. With a remorseful WS, R is possible. D is possible with or without a remorseful WS.

No matter what, though, your healing requires processing the thoughts and feelings that come with being betrayed.

It's true that your W betrayed you. But the results that came from that in you - the anger, grief, fear, shame - are problems that only you can solve.

You've lived with this pain for a long time, and you haven't been able to heal on your own. I think a good IC will be able to help.

Sheezus.

Put both of you out of your misery and get a divorce once the youngest is out of the house. Your marriage is a sham brother.

Hi all , I went back over my first message and realised it’s probably been hard to piece together the chain of events I summarised in my first posts. So I worked on a timeline (which has actually helped me put things back into some order menatally and sparked some new recollections of timings etc ) . Anyway

‘96 - We meet

Late ‘97 - Married

Mid ‘98 - I start project based job which keeps me away from home during the week

‘98 - WW starts working with AP sometime in ‘98 (I do not have exact info )

Nov \ Dec ‘98 PA starts (as I was told )

Later TT disclosed)

-Hotel liaisons

-A weekend away with him , explained away at the time as a training course in one city . later told there was no course , just a weekend away together somewhere else

-Possibly meet ups our house although she denied anything at the time

-Disclosed later she had Photos of him kept under the marital bed

-Her best friend knew

-She had pregnancy scare Jan ‘99 . later told me couldn’t have been AP as they always used protection

-WW 30th birthday early ‘98 . She invites him , he might have been stood next to me for all I known

Apr ‘99 - WW voluntarily discloses PA affair to me out of the blue. I like a mug had no suspicion at all.I requested no contact as a condition for reconciliation.

WW calls AP and meets next day (she later tells me) . I subsequently found from communication (see below ) there were declarations of love at this “break up” meeting

Jun ‘99 - We move away from city to town near my project , WW commutes back to city daily, never stays overnight

Jan ‘00 - WW falls pregnant. We move back to area

June ‘00 , I change jobs , now home 24/7

Oct ‘00 - Daughter born

2001 (From communications intercepted in ‘07 - see below) WW meets AP in person on at least two occasions in ‘01:

-once with our daughter at a park

-Another time in a park

Communication intercepted in ‘07 referring to these meetings

AP - “I regret not making love with you when we saw each other in 2001”.

AP - “I remember caressing your breast in that park and how I wished it could have kept going”

(I don’t know who contacted who to meet then “end things” ? for “second” time ? .. in ‘01 again .. it all pointed to meetings being initiated by WW..)

AP - “You raised that whole question about us way back in 2001, I remember the phone call distinctly, and as I said then, decisions had been made and I, well we, had moved on”

WW - “I realise now that I have been feeling bad about the way in which things were ended….both times.”

Other disclosures from communication intercepted in ‘07

AP - “ I could guess but I have the memories of your last call and last email to me from a few years ago” (assume he meant email and calls in ‘01, he’s referring to being pleased they had now made contact again after the “second” break up \ ending things \ email \ call )

AP -“Though I don’t see how I could have just kept going along seeing you when I felt the way I did about you” ..

AP - “Sometimes I have regrets. More about perhaps pushing things way back when”.

AP “This is the second time you have just contacted me out of the blue” (I guess since she re-initiated contact in ‘01)

WW - “I was half expecting a shitty email back as a follow up to our last communication” (assume she was referring to “second break up” ‘01)

WW “ I know I have often been accused of knee jerk reactions and not giving you an opportunity to respond, and I have felt bad about that. Our last email was a perfect example”.

WW “The main reason for contacting you was that I felt I needed/wanted to know how things were going for you. I think also (in some egotistical way) I wanted to know if you still thought of me at all”

WW “I’m not clear on whether I wanted you to be thinking of me or not.

WW “ I have thought of you at points over the years, you know as you think back over certain periods in your life and whenever I thought of you I would be left with an uneasy feeling.”

WW “I have felt that there may have been things left unsaid between us, and feel that I am now able to deal with that”

WW “ There remained a few things that BH was not aware of, and a few things that still needed to be talked about. I can see now that this was heavy on my mind, and might have played a part in deciding to contact you again”

So my deduction was that WW initiated contact in ‘01 , he got more forward and she backed off again and then sent “shitty” break up email “things were ended .. both times” !

‘02 we move away from city

‘02 AP moves continent

‘04 Son born

‘06 we move countries

‘07 WW contacts AP again. I then intercept communications referred to above

Re: ‘07 so I guess now refer to this as the “short lived reinitiated EA \ 3rd break up” (although t would have continued if I had not intercepted)

‘07 onwards - lots and lots more questions from me and more TT disclosures (obviously ! as I could now see these in their communications !) but mostly rug sweeping followed by my downward spiral from that point and events never being referred to for a good few years now.

‘15 We move back countries again near where we started out’ in ‘95

Phew

Not sure why now again , another 13 years this has been triggered causing me to pour over the ‘07 communications and make some new connections , no new massive new revelations but maybe some missing “join the dots” could help but opening up the pandoras box will just not ash again with WW .

Maybe I have been triggered by the fact WW best friend (who knew iun ‘99) is back on the scene in \ living nearby after some 15 years away in a different country , maybe the Linkedin issue a few weeks back . So I either start another round of my own emotional rug sweeping or go down some different path to the one I’ve kept on the last 20 years since first DD

WW “ There remained a few things that BH was not aware of, and a few things that still needed to be talked about. I can see now that this was heavy on my mind, and might have played a part in deciding to contact you again”

Did she identify what 'things' you were not aware of?

Wouldn't you prefer to be with a partner who puts you first and only? Aren't you tired of sharing your WW's affections?

Your WW never ended her affair. It is in hibernation.

Look, this is pretty clear. She still pines for her AP. She views her A in a positive light, misses him, and would drop you in a heartbeat if he offered her the fantasy life she dreams about.

You have 2 basic options- Continue to suffer or start dropping nukes.

It all depends on what you are willing to do. If you aren't willing to D and aren't willing to harden up, you are going to lose.

You have to be willing to burn it all down and D if you are going to get anywhere.

Personally, I would draft up D papers, have her served, and move on as I don't see how that is fixable after she made you plan B for so many years, both physically and in her heart...

Maybe she wakes up, maybe not...but focus on you and move on.

She isn't special. She isn't unique. She is easy to replace. She replaced you already.

Update : NYE and a few bottlEs of wine ..,. called wife out on a conversation two weeks ago where she had said “I’ve been your emotional support for 20+ years (like I wasn’t due any support when she fucked another guy less than one year into marriage and contacted him on occasion through next 10 years). So last night tipped me and I’ve finally started to take moves to contact POSM wife , wish I’d done so 20 years ago to save her spending all this time with probably serial cheater H . am I right or should I continue with my bloody gig rug sweeping broom?

recalling a post for you:

The road ahead is long and winding.

Question- did or have you or are you GOING to inform the other affected spouse?

Imperative that you expose and don't give a flying duck - about what your wife's paramour thinks or says.

Up to you to stay on current path - either you do or don't you still have some memories to pack away.

Don't add more -

Hi JackD

Sorry to see you here...

Just my take:

Despite your passionate approach to this, it does seem like your WW has never experienced any real consequences and still holds a spark for her POS AP. You would be blind not to see that. She does not see him as the person who could have ruined her family. (And taking your kid to see him means something very intimate). She still holds him in high regard and has not really fought to win you back.

I am afraid that she does not respect you enough. How you earn that respect ... or if you should even try to... is up to you.

I would personally move on and offer her the chance to go be with him.

In my opinion it is irrelevant who did what and when and where.

The marriage is a 6 at best (your words). It doesn’t seem as though it will change or improve.

So on that note the only question is whether you want to stay married and live in a less than satisfying marriage. She cheated. She lied. She was not a good wife.

Has anyone gone for professional counseling? That could be something to consider for you. Not marriage counseling but counseling just for you. To give you the emotional support you need.

I hope you consider yourself worthy of a better life than this. At this point you are not happy. You need to tell her this as a way of honest communication with her.

Lack of trust as you’ve seen is a big deal.

Why?

Because you just don’t know especially since she’s apparently been there for him for years.

Update : NYE and a few bottlEs of wine ..,. called wife out on a conversation two weeks ago where she had said “I’ve been your emotional support for 20+ years (like I wasn’t due any support when she fucked another guy less than one year into marriage and contacted him on occasion through next 10 years).

Sounds like no reconciliation you just stayed.

So last night tipped me and I’ve finally started to take moves to contact POSM wife , wish I’d done so 20 years ago to save her spending all this time with probably serial cheater H . am I right or should I continue with my bloody gig rug sweeping broom?

Sounds like by definition you may have stayed with a serial cheater too.

I think you’ve done enough rug sweeping. What’s that gotten you?

“I trust I won't get anything. But if I do, I will just delete it without reading it. I am just not interested in being open for fine and worthy communication but you guys not aiming for that nor respecting me. Understandably enough, as I write these final words to you I have a load of bittersweet feelings. But there is no doubt that this should be it. No

further correspondence. I can only write the nice feelings and best wishes

I have about you and for you so many times.

Fine and worthy communication? Blech.

Such stilted writing. Way too easy to mock.

"I have a load..." I bet you do fella.

I have a feeling he'd be up for a quickie in a car again, sure, but I think he'd piss himself if she called him up and said she's free and she'll be at his house in XX hours.

“Meddling” in their affair...

He deserves a beating for being such an arrogant bastard.

PS: I don’t endorse violence.