My friend, I'm sorry you're here. There is a lot to unpack in what you've said, and you've said very little. Overall, posts like yours are poster children for the evils that flow from rug-sweeping, which is clearly what you've done. Shit stays around like the stench of a rotting corpse under the bed. It never goes away. You spend 20+ years suffering through the charade of a marriage.
The first thing I will say: you don't need any more reason than you already have to divorce this woman. Divorce does not require any threshold proof, and the passage of time from the last verified instance of infidelity does not create amnesty. Divorce is available to anybody who is unhappy in his marriage.
Second, you cannot control your WW's behavior. You should try to do so, not even a little bit. Not by direct request, not by ploys or threats or gambits. You can only control you.
Third, this site is mostly about helping betrayed spouses get out of infidelity. There are only two paths: divorce or reconciliation. Reconciliation is only available if the cheater you are married to commits herself 100% to fixing what is broken inside her (usually with the help of a good IC), going full no-contact with the AP, and bending over backward to do everything she can to make you heal. Obviously, your WW is not one of those types of cheaters. Therefore, to be blunt, your only path out of infidelity is divorce. In other words, your choices are: (a) continue living year after year of "this shit", or (b) divorce your cheating wife.
As to that last point, I'd mention that divorce is not irrevocable. If you file a divorce, it can take about a year to resolve. You can abandon the process at any time. Even after you finalize a divorce, you and your WW will remain in each other's lives as co-parents. You can date. Rediscover a relationship. All that.
However, staying married, that is irrevocable. The time you spend in that unhappy marriage, you'll never get it back.
Divorce is taking action. Moving forward. For 20+ years you've been stuck in inaction. The shark that swims, eats. The shark that stops swimming slowly dies.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
WW had A with a work colleague ... in ’98 ... start[ing] one year into our marriage for about 6 months .
The first year of most marriages is still the honeymoon phase. Cheating at this stage is a huge red flag. It is an express statement by your WW about how she views the sanctity of the sacred wedding vows she made, presumably before God and family.
day 2 was you must never see AP . she did the next day as she “wanted to tell him face to face it was over”
Right out of the box she was not only not remorseful, she was putting the AP and his feelings ahead of you, your feelings, and your marriage. You are and have been Plan B, this entire time.
“Fast forward” 10 years [plus 2 kids and a few moves]. To my shame (as it seemed at the time ) I bugged her PC and [found she had] recontacted her AP wishing him a happy birthday etc etc .
There is no shame in bugging her PC. The shame here is 100% on her. There is and should be no privacy between spouses. The two become one. Meanwhile, you confirmed that, after 10 years of marriage, you're still Plan B.
he accused me of “meddling” in “their” relationship .. btw he was married with 2 kids when they first hooked up
Have you exposed the A to his wife? You should do this right away, and DO NOT tell your WW in advance. The chutzpah of him suggesting you are "meddling" in his efforts to fuck your wife. That kind of talk isn't coming from a vacuum. It speaks volumes about the degree to which your WW has affirmed, to him, the degree to which he is important to her.
When I confronted her over this she claimed she always felt guilty about they way she had treated him \ ended the A.
Assume she was honest in saying this. Felt guilty about how she "treated" the AP? It seems to me she gave up some NSA pussy. He's probably pretty happy about that. Maybe she felt guilty that she didn't give him more NSA pussy than she had already given him? Never mind what she didn't say: she felt guilty that she betrayed you by taking off her clothes and letting another man put his dick in her just months after promising you, to your face, in your wedding, that she would never do this.
Is it possible for her to shout any louder that the AP is Plan A and you are Plan B?
Turns out from the emails I read she had met him 2 years after their A ended , met him in a park with our own 1 YO daughter in tow , again to address misgivings about the way she ended things . He referred to this incident and “touching her breast” and clearly had feelings to go further .
Oops, I spoke too soon. I didn't realize she could turn her "Jack D, you're Plan B" message up to 11. Playing sexy touchy feely with the AP, with your daughter present. SMDH.
10 years on from the above (and another child I’d like to say I’ve reconciled myself but truth is the pain still comes back to me.
My friend you're not reconciled with your cheating wife, not even a little bit. You've merely rug-swept this, choked down the shit sandwich for God knows what reason.
I cant do another 10 years of this shit that’s for sure
If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.
You cannot change your WW's behavior and should not try. You have not described one ounce of effort made by her to fix herself, to make recompense to you for the damage, nor to help you heal.
As I see it, you have two choices: (a) "do another 10 years of this shit", or (b) man up and divorce her cheating ass. My friend, she is still cheating on you, in essence.
Which JackD do you want to be staring down in the bathroom mirror 5 years from now? 10? If my timeline is right, you're in your early 50's. Plenty of time to find a good, honorable woman who will treat you with respect, kindness, and love. My friend, cut that poison out of your life.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:17 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)]
