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I think it's simple -

boundary = I need and then you decide what to do next if the need isn't met

ultimatum = you have to or else

The difference is in control. Boundaries control me, Ultimatums attempt to control someone else.

I explained this to my H during one conversation like this:

H: I want to go out and have sex with a few women to sow my wild oats. Just give me a few weeks.

Me: I won't live with infidelity. I've told you that since before we married.

H: You can't control me!

Me: I have no desire to control you. If you want to go have sex with others, you are free to do so. I love you enough to let you go. I also love me enough not to put up with that behavior. The choice is yours. You know where I stand.

I also find that boundaries are somewhat calm feelings, like a resolve or "It's just how it is."

Ultimatums are not. They are full of anger or frustration, and they come from a strong desire to stop something. Those who give ultimatums often do so because they don't have boundaries.

Again, a WS will almost always try to conflate the two in an effort to play the victim and get you to back off your boundary. People with strong boundaries are not easy to manipulate. They know who they are and are not afraid to walk or give things up.

If it's a boundary, the BS will stick to it because he/she can't handle living any other way. Anything else is simply unacceptable. If it's an ultimatum, the BS frequently gets even more angry at their WS for the broken "boundary." And then he/she gives them a new ultimatum or makes a new demand. Move, move, move the line. Living in misery.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:50 PM, December 2nd (Wednesday)]

I agree with most here.. I tried the ultimatum approach too often.. Telling my wife that if she didn't go NC I would initiate D..

Ultimatums never worked.. My WS is stubborn enough to fight against just because it was there.. Kind of like she'd be damned if she ever did something because someone told her to..

I Changed my tactic.. I simply said that I was not prepared to live a life with a wife who still wanted her AP in her life so much.. I was not going to tell her to stop talking to him.. But I would no longer be a part of her life is she did..

Oh of course I got arguing (why are you doing this) .. Tears(please don't take my friend away) .. Bargaining(if you let me carry on talking you can do whatever you want) .. Anger(you are just being an arsehole) .. And I stood firm through everything.. Just reiterated that I wasn't stopping her from doing whatever she wanted to.. I was just telling her where my boundary was if she wanted to stay married..

I know there is a real fine distinction between boundary and ultimatum.. But tbh as long as you aren't making unreasonable demands on the WS.. ie.. No matter what we will have sex every day of the week etc.. Then as the BS you are ENTITLED to lay down somd pretty bloody serious ground rules/, guidelines for future behaviour.. The WS ignored any moral guidelines in having an affair.. If the have to abide by some arbitrary rules to fix the marriage.. So be it

I never gave an ultimatum. I just was forced to tell him I had no other choice but to D him due to his continued cheating.

The good news was I also told him he was free to be with the OW or whoever else he chose.

Suddenly he didn’t want all that. He chose to remain in this marriage and stop the mid life crisis affair, the blame shifting, and the poor me victim routine.

Now he takes full responsibility for everything. It took 6 months to get there but in the end I’m glad to see he fully gets it v