SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 2 years on from my ex WH‘s affair and sudden abandonment. He started an affair with a much younger work colleague whilst on business trips abroad. His leaving was out of the blue and brutal. Then followed by months of lies, threats, stealing, hiding bank statements etc, and what I can only describe as psychological abuse.

He told me again and again that this was my fault - I didn’t put him first (I work, look after our children while he travels abroad, have cancelled plans with my own family to accommodate him and his parents , nursed his mother after an operation etc. ) But no matter what I said he just told me what a terrible person I am, even accused me of having a mental illness. I ended up feeling worthless and suicidal and he just didn’t care.

He also started the line of - “We have been unhappy for years, you knew I was unhappy” ( all in a very angry and intimidating manner) . Meanwhile he was lying to friends and work colleagues- telling them that we had both decided to ‘go our separate ways’ and that he had met his ‘lovely young girlfriend’ just after that. ( Every one of our mutual friends saw right through this and none of them now have anything to do with him) Through the support of family and friends I eventually got the courage to stand up to him and divorce him - (he was furious when I first went to a solicitor and came to the house shouting and bullying me again.)

So this has all left me feeling battered and pretty worthless. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I question my own perception of reality. Could I really have been in a totally different marriage to the one I thought I was in for 25 years? Was he unhappy for years? He never , ever, said he was until after his affair and abandonment . My friends and family tell me they always thought we were a lovely couple, a happy family. My children say they never perceived us as being unhappy or dysfunctional. My mother in law told me that she never heard us have a cross word and was stunned by what he did.

I want to move on, I want to be a strong positive role-model for my children. People tell me they respect my courage and strength , but inside I don’t feel strong- I feel broken. I feel like I have lost 25 years of my life to someone who wants to psychologically destroy me. I don’t trust myself to make good decisions because he made me feel so worthless and confused about what is real.

Is this normal? How long does this feeling last? Sometimes I just feel like my life was wasted and there’s no point in having the rest of it .

I am so very sorry your exWH put you through this hell. His response of blameshifting and emotional abuse comes straight out of the cheaters handbook. Very cliche but still very hurtful. You did nothing wrong. He needs to make you the bad guy and rewrite you marital history because otherwise he would have to look at what a lowlife cheating snake he has become. All of this is just self-protective bullshit. I hope you have access to some counseling or therapy to help you see that you married a very selfish, cruel, immature man. Your integrity and honor is intact. Keep no contact with him and if he tries to engage just ignore. The best revenge is a life well lived. Good luck.

You didn't loose 25 years. You get to keep them because you were authentic. You can choose to keep the good memories.

Could I really have been in a totally different marriage to the one I thought I was in for 25 years? Was he unhappy for years? He never , ever, said he was until after his affair and abandonment . My friends and family tell me they always thought we were a lovely couple, a happy family. My children say they never perceived us as being unhappy or dysfunctional. My mother in law told me that she never heard us have a cross word and was stunned by what he did.

I am pretty sure others will join in in saying they pretty much ALL say that! The re-writing is mind boggling to us. The reason it is is because we are being lied to by someone we trust. It's mind-bending, hence your mental anguish. He has a need to justify discarding you. Mine was 'unhappy' since right after our wedding, I kid you not!!!! At the time I felt devastated wondering how I could have been so blind. Now I just chuckle at the desperation of a petty liar.

Writing this stuff down helped me recover. Reminding myself of the lop-sided thinking on his part. He was either happy, and then discarded you to move on to someone else that made him supposedly happy, or he was not happy, and led you on for a quarter of a century. Both are nutso in my opinion. You are safely away, whew.

Your emotions will catch up. Don't try to figure him out, you never will. Just remind yourself of the facts of what he actually did and focus on yourself and your family/friends. They know the truth. He should be ashamed of himself.

This is all completely normal, sadly.

My STBX also has re-written our marriage history. All the time he was telling me I was the perfect wife and he was the happiest he'd ever been have now become years I was a terrible wife, mean to him and manipulated and lied to him. He's convinced himself I was attracted to and lusting for other men, etc. Of course, while those years were being lived he never said one word to this effect, never expressed dissatisfaction, etc.

They need to make us just as bad as them and to paint themselves as the victims of a miserable marriage in order to rationalize abominable behavior. He may or may not believe his own lies but his self-image relies on getting you on board and anyone else he can. To face the truth would shatter whatever positive image he has of himself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you are in good company.

I left a 16yr marriage, 7yrs ago. My ex STILL contends that we were miserable for years (which is true) but that it was because I'm a control freak that doesn't care about anyone but herself (and it couldn't possibly have anything to do with his drug use/lack of being a parent/not working/cheating etc.)

Once I left with the kids, it took me a few years to truly start feeling like I wasn't any of those things - that I had to control stuff because now I was the ONLY parent of these children and that ultimately I care so much for the kids and so little for myself. I started doing more self-care and ultimately I blossomed into the fun and badass woman I am today :)

Just remember - you aren't starting over from scratch, you are starting over from experience.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

It really does help to write it down and to get some objective feedback. I feel like I am coping for a while - keeping myself and my mind busy ( I have a pretty stressful frontline healthcare job which I am actually so grateful for) , and then I seem to ‘fall down a rabbit hole’ and the feelings overwhelm me. Having somewhere to share these feelings is so helpful as I really don’t want to ‘dump’ on my friends and family.

Thank you again

Mine was apparently unhappy every day of our 25-year marriage. Unbeknownst to me, she used to stand in front of me crying about how unhappy she was. I have a very good memory, but somehow had forgotten about these apparent facts. She was also unhappy that our 4 children, born during those 25-years, all took advantage of her by not cleaning their rooms, or doing enough chores, etc.. Her memory isn’t very good either it seems because these are things she wouldn’t encourage them to do, and instead would undermine me when I did expect it of them.

Some people are just too much of a coward to face their own truths. They have no capacity to accept responsibility for their behaviour, and the consequences that ensue. My ex is one of those people, so is yours. The fact that you are asking yourself these questions of yourself highlights how conscientious you are, another characteristic that these nut jobs lack. Their anger is a projection of their own fuckedupidness, and while it is upsetting and unsettling to be subjected to it, you should actually discount it as nothing more than their patheticness. Sounds harsh I know, but it is what it is and it’s who they are.

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 10:35 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]

This cycle can stop. But it starts with you.

You had others - family, friends and in-laws validate your real marriages. Validate your reality of a good marriage.

Stop listening to the lies and justifications of a cheater.

As I say often, most cheaters do not become “unhappily married” until they meet the AP. Then they are soooooo unhaapppyyyyyy

Stop letting your little voice undermine your progress and common sense. Figure out how to make sure you have done steps to stop allowing yourself to ruminate over his “opinion” of you.

He’s like an addict. He’s addicted to his affair. And he will say snd do anything to get his own way. That is the person you are now dealing with. A liar and cheater and someone who will never admit he’s wrong.

Let the OW have your rejects. She deserves it.

Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers! Get mad. Get even.

Don't think I have said this yet but your screen name always makese smile.

It is mind bending. I have been there. It hurts. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have survived because I work on healing from the horrific betrayal. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Whether it is choosing to eat well, exercise, watch a podcast,get needed health care, forgive myself for freezing up in fear and staying even one minute after I found out even a fraction of what he had done. It is hard stuff but we ca