SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if this belongs in JFO, even though I just found out, because I feel like so many here are going through more than I am. I basically just need advice about how to coexist in as healthy a way as possible until we can afford to move into our seperate places. I have 2 teen sons that don’t know any of this and won’t know we are splitting up until it is time to actually move apart.

My partner is male and is 50. I am female and 40. We have been together almost 10 years.

We have been in a dead bedroom for years. We have sex about once every 6-8 weeks. It used to be slightly more because I used to initiate more often. But that gets less appealing when your partner doesn’t seem that in to you.

When I get upset he says he is attracted to me, loves me, doesn’t know what is wrong. He doesn’t kiss me or tell me I am pretty, nada. I have communicated plenty, told him I feel lonely, all of it.

I am in good shape, take care of myself. A decade his Junior. Nothing has changed physically since we met.

He had a previous porn problem (watched all day, between work calls, etc). Says he stopped porn because he felt it was contributing to the problem. I haven’t ever been one to have an issue with porn but do think it was odd how much he watched.

He had been getting testosterone shots starting probably in 2019. I didn’t notice a difference but he said he could tell a little, was starting to wake up with a erection again, thought it was the right path. He also started counseling because I was at my breaking point (again). Well around November 2020 he stopped the shots and the therapy to “see” if he was ok without them. Things weren’t great with them but I guess I at least felt like he was putting forth effort.

Well predictably things got worse. I got more upset. I said I am done if we can’t get this fixed. I said I would do couples counseling.

We did 2 sessions and then by a crazy mixup on Tuesday I found a credit card statement showing he has been going to a massage parlor in secret. I had no idea, no gut feeling, etc. I confronted him and after many changes to his story he said that he goes about once a month, they massage his dick, he feels like shit about it. I mean he goes back so....

Anyway. Am I alone in this? Anyone else have this happen?

I am done. I am very sad but I am done.

There are other issues with the relationship but this is the biggest and there isn’t enough positive for me to want to work it out anymore. It will take some time to get finances seperated and we will have to keep living together for a few more months at least.

How do you get through it until you can seperate fully? I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. So no custody and all to worry about although this will be hard for them. I have started counseling myself to see why the fuck I have stuck around so long when my needs aren’t being met.

He is claiming to be devastated and wants to work on things but he has said that so many times and nothing ever really changes. He has some trauma in his FOO that is very sad but I just can’t keep sacrificing my happiness.

I actually have had a SI profile for a long time because he has done other untrustworthy things in the past, but the massage parlor is a boundary I can’t let go.

TLDR: my partner gets handjobs at massage parlor. I need to figure out how to keep living together until we can part ways fully.

Edited to add - I posted this on another forum (not infidelity related) and was told I sound flippant about this. I am not, I have cried more in the last few days than the last few years. I was and am in shock and then weepy, and would love tips on how to stop crying when it isn’t convenient. Thankfully I am working from home.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 4:16 PM, January 25th (Monday)]

Your exit strategy is in process. You have your wits about you and you seem very levelheaded (despite the emotional pain).

You start to distance yourself. Slowly. Stop doing things as a family. Stop doing his laundry. Start moving $ and assets into a different bank if possible or needed.

You are polite. Yes and no and I don’t know can answer many questions. If he says something you don’t agree with, you just walk away or let it go. You have polite chitchat and superficial conversations in front of your children, but nothing more than that.

Once you figure out when and where you are leaving, you inform him in advance (whether it’s one day or one week or one month, that is up to you to decide).

I strongly suggest that you do not engage with him in conversations about your relationship, your future, his sorrow, his mistakes, or anything on those topics. You’ve made up your mind and his choices have forced you to make a decision that is in your best interest.

I hope this helps you.

My husband suffers from ED also. He is also 50. He also goes to massage parlors but swears he doesn't get happy endings because it would be embarrassing.

I know where you are coming from. My WS still clings to the idea that this isn't cheating. So that sucks.

I don't have any advice. I'm still muddling through myself. Keep your chin up and remember it's not you. It's him.

Thank you both so very much. This is so strange and isolating and I appreciate your help. I have told 1 friend, I don’t want to share with people in my life that we are over until we move because I don’t want people constantly asking me what is going on, etc.

Not talking about his pain, etc is excellent advice. This is all really shining a light on how dysfunctional we are. Yesterday I was feeling sorry FOR HIM that he will be alone and lonely and starting over. Even though I have given him so many chances.

His issues are more than just “we don’t have sex much”. There is no intimacy, no kissing or touching or complimenting me. For years! Not that I want him touching me now!! But I am definitely staying in therapy to find out why I let myself be treated this way. I am normally such a strong person, I look forward to getting myself back.

This is how my WS was about affections also. He was never very affectionate, but after the ED issues he cut off altogether then had the gall to blame me for pulling back. It is all part of their disfunction.

HatsOff it is so difficult and painful. I hope things improve for you. ♥️

My partner also wasn’t super affectionate before but it got way worse, to just nothing at all. Even though I know it is his issue it is very very hard on my self esteem at times.

I don't post often since my "situation" was similar to yours and I know it pales to so many here, but it doesn't make it any less real or painful when it's your own life.

Like you, it wasn't so much the lack of sex, it was the complete breakdown of intimacy of any kind: a hug or kind word would have done wonders! As my own bio says, he stole all of those years, made me think somehow it was my fault, while he knew the truth. I found the "final straw", too, but continued to maintain for another 6 months or so.

I managed by keeping busy planning. I went to IC, met with attorneys, worked budgets, focused on me, my son & work. Looked at places to live & started to quietly sort thorough things in the house I wanted to take with me or get rid of. (I knew he would never move out.) When I got to *the day*, I was mentally, physically & as emotionally ready as I could be.

I too felt sorry for him...we're codependents & that's what we do...but I kept the focus on what I had to do for my own mental health. I actually waited another full year to file for divorce in case he "woke up and got it", but he didn't. Then he made the divorce hell for another 4 years & I basically ended up with nothing after all of that. Still, best decision I could have made & I only regret I didn't put me (and my son) first so much earlier.

crumbs Yes!!! I have told him many times that he has stolen years from me. When I have had it, he will go to therapy and say he had a breakthrough and he knows just what to do. Then he is super sweet for a few days but nothing changes. And it just goes on and on forever and ever. It is insane. I know getting out is the right thing. But it is painful and sad and yes like you said, I am codependent. It is much easier to let myself down than to make him feel stressed and sad. It is so sick and I am ready to get off this awful cycle.

I also found the insane amount of porn by snooping with the suspicion he was cheating! The porn is like any addiction, it has to increase to get the high so it gets more disturbing and twisted. Nothing illegal but just some weird stuff.

I found out about the massage parlor by a total fluke, his credit card was stolen from his car and he didn’t know how to report it stolen on his credit card company’s app so he asked for my help. It asked to verify the last 5 transactions were valid and there it was. We don’t even use credit cards normally, so it was the last charge. So many times I have snooped in the past because I had a nagging suspicion something was off, and then this just falls into my hands. I was completely shocked and didn’t even feel any emotions at all for about 48 hours.

I’m sorry you are going through this but you do seem to have a good handle on it. My ex was also into meaningless stuff and it’s incredibly hurtful.

I wanted to offer a tip given to me here while I was in the in house sep phase of my divorce process. While at work or driving I was sometimes ambushed by tears at inopportune times. Try focusing on immediate sensory experiences. What do you smell? What colors do you see? What items can you see right now that are yellow? What is the air temperature and is it comfortable? How does the fabric of your clothing feel against your skin? Giving your attention to these sensations will draw your mind away from the painful thoughts causing the tears. It helped me and I used this technique often.

Good luck to you, friend. Wishing you peace and a better tomorrow.

Tripletrouble Thank you so much for your reply. Some days I feel strong and like I know just what to do, and then some days I can’t stop crying. It is miserable. I appreciate so much the tips for crying, I am definitely going to use those when the tears start creeping in at inappropriate times. Thanks so much for your kind reply, it feels so isolating at times!!