SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been married 19 years. My spouse has been gaslighting me for years now.

I had a good friend recently send me multiple videos explaining gaslighting. And in every video I can identify with the majority of all the signs of gaslighting.

After speaking to an IC I began to realize that my spouse has emotionally abusing me and uses emotional blackmail on me to manipulate and control me.

I’ve been isolated from friends and family. Spouse never tells me that I can’t go visit them and sometimes encourages me to but when I do spouse will start acting sad that I am leaving or talk about how bad the trip was. I started feeling guilty for going out with friends and stopped. I felt guilty going to visit family. And only visit 1-3 times a year. But we visit spouses 5-7 times a year.

Even after seeing these videos and listening to my IC saying this was happening I still was in denial. How could this person I love do this to me?! Spouse has cheated on me multiple times I’m over it and have filed for divorce. My spouse has denied the affairs and downplayed the affairs to the point that when they are around or we talk about them I doubt my own reality and evidence I have!

Well spouse went on a work trip and while gone I have began getting a clearer head. I’m able to work through things that have happened in our marriage that are unacceptable but are glossed over while spouse is here. My spouse tends to keep me in a befuddled mind while here. Always turning things back on me and making me feel guilty for their actions. Or just making me feel crazy like I can’t figure anything out

I believe seeing these videos and having my friend and IC both tell me has helped me see the signs of abuse intentional or not by my spouse.

I just have a clear mind now and needed to share this revelation with people who might understand.

Yes, it is intentional. I was listening to a YouTube video by Dr. Les Carter a couple of months ago, and he said that it is intentional. It's a form of manipulating you and keeping you under their control. It can be for a few different reasons, but it makes them feel superior to you.

Dr. Ramani has a YouTube channel, and she did a series on the narcissistic abuse glossary. I found these very helpful, as it opened my eyes to the whole gamut of emotional abuse that I'd been through.

He isolated me from my family. When I'd want to go visit, he'd pout or just act like a 2-year old, so I caved & didn't go. He'd throw the same type of tantrum when I was recognized as doing well at work, so I pretty much stopped telling him.

I got the eye rolls, sighs, and lots & lots of lies. At the end, he wouldn't even speak to me. I'd ask what he wanted for dinner, and he wouldn't respond. One time I asked why he did that because he said he'd heard me. He didn't want to. And I'd already been conditioned to make sure to ask what he wanted, or I'd get the guilt trip. Or he'd make something & leave a terrible mess.

I moved out about a year ago. My anxiety symptoms have dropped significantly. I'm feeling peace & contentment, after many, many years.

The befuddled mind is a form of manipulation, and the crazy-making is part of that, too.

AsUWish—- you are strong, and you are seeing that when you get away from him.

That clarity will increase when you are no longer cohabiting.

Use the 180 and gray rock approach to shield yourself from his manipulations until you can go NC fully.

(And you might check out the S/D forum- lots of folks going through the process as well).

You got this!!

@leafields maybe I’m still in denial but I just can’t believe my spouse would do this intentionally. Maybe I will get to the point where I can see this. I do have to say that I have seemed to have lost myself in my marriage. I couldn’t tell my IC or myself anything that I enjoy, any hobbies, things I do for self care. Everything I do is for my spouse first then my kids. I used to have hobbies now I can tel l you nothing about me but can tell you everything my spouse loves and enjoys.

@BearlyBreathing the clarity I am feeling is like I am waking up. It is a weird feeling. But we have 2 kids and will have to co-parent so it is hard to do the 180. I have implemented some of those steps already and spouse called me out on them. I didn’t, at that time, know how to handle this situation. All I knew was I COULD NOT make my spouse angry. So I stopped and started walking on eggshells again.

I am hoping as this progresses I can develop a better way of coping and dealing with this behavior. I never thought I would be abused. And yet here I am. It’s hard to wrap you head around.

It's hard for you to believe because you're a compassionate, caring person. It's hard for us to accept because this behavior isn't part of who we are.

Some people have even started taking notes to make sure they aren't going crazy.

Check out YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse. You may find more similarities, and it may provide more clarity for your situation.

There is some inherent narcissism that goes into infidelity, but there are others who have definite personality disorders. Usually it's sociopathy, but could be narcissistic personality disorder.

It's baffling to a normal person.

Keep seeking clarity of purpose.

Somehow your husband decided that he needed power. You are the easiest target for him to have power over. If this is coming from childhood, and I assume it is, he has been this way since he was very young. I just had to let go of a friendship because I realized this was how she kept me off balance. I would often talk to my husband after I had been with her because I always I had a knot in my stomach and was so uncomfortable and miserable and I did not know why. These people have learned this behavior from early childhood. Somehow they felt so helpless that they never again will allow that to happen. You can’t talk to him about it or talk him out of it because it is a part of who he is. At this point the only thing you can do is get away from him. I know you think about the years you’ve spent with him and you hate the idea of changing anything but you have to. He never will. It’s going to take a backbone for you to do this because he’s had you right where he’s wanted you for years. You’re going to have to look at how to get away from him. The first thing is a lawyer. And get a good one who understands manipulating. That’s what’s been happening to you. You have been manipulated your whole marriage.

It's so hard to accept that this is the way it is. My STBWXH did this to me for years. I was conditioned to accept it anyway, so it was really easy for him to get me to doubt myself.

What happened for me was, I watched a bunch of Dr. Les and Dr. Ramini videos, as well as a bunch of others. Once I saw the videos, I started noticing the behaviors. Then I went on an extended journey of checking things for myself. I took notes, made screenshots, etc. to satisfy myself that I was not going nuts and that I did, in fact, have the facts straight. Then I would question him about something that I already knew the answer to. That way I could fact-check for myself before, during, and after the conversation. Turns out, he even lies about things when he knows I have proof of the facts. When I call him out on it, he just doesn't know how that proof came into existence. To this day, he still maintains that the porn farries have been leaving things in his dresser.

The more you see it, the better you will be at spotting it. Eventually you won't be able to not see it.

@AsUWish I can’t offer words of advise as I am going through this right now with my WW but some of what your saying relates. I met my W when I was a teenager only woman I have been with so I don’t know who I am, I have no idea what I like or what else makes me happy. I guess that will be on journey of discovery that I am now on, I am sure you will get there in time.

There have been times my wife has said things and I have disputed it but it got to the point where she said it often enough I honestly started to believe her version of it. It all ties in with the rewriting of the marital history as well. I genuinely started to believe I was the terrible H she had been telling me I was and that it was me that should be asking for forgiveness not the other way around. It’s really creates a messed up dynamic and has you doubting everything you thought you knew.

I too struggle with the sudden cut off my my wife, the lack of concern about my welfare. I don’t understand how they can just treat us that way BUT I just can’t understand it because I know I am a caring person and I look out for those I love.

Stay strong there is lots of wisdom on this board and others going through what your going through right now. Stay as strong as you can.

Agree with the others do as much research as you can on sociopathy and narcissism then observe and do not engage. If he is making you uncomfortable or trying to push your buttons do not react and make an excuse to walk away. You have a choice not to engage in it. If it doesn’t make sense it’s most likely manipulation. Eventually you will see it plain as day and as the others have said you won’t be able to unsee it. Start detaching it makes it easier to deal with them and start planning what your life would look like away from abuse. Also find an IC that specializes in trauma and they can help support you through this.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:26 AM, February 13th (Saturday)]

@Cooley2here thank you for your post it is very helpful.

@WarriorPrincess I was conditioned as well as a child. My Mom emotionally/verbally abused my siblings and I. So when spouse started it was my normal. I realize now there isn’t anything normal about it. I will start watching the videos thanks for mentioning them

@IWMWB I am sorry you are here with me. It’s not a fun place to be. I also met my spouse when I was 18. my first love. Thank you for your encouragement.

@crazyondsided I’ve been working on detaching and not engaging. It is hard at times. Especially when they won’t allow you to walk away and follow you from room to room. Or start texting you to continue the attack. The best thing I did was recording a tirade one night and even though listening to it gives me anxiety And I couldn’t listen to more than a few minutes of the hour long recording bit could hear and recognize the manipulation and gaslighting just a few minutes in. Just started a new IC hoping it will help.

I have also had this problem! As long as a person is confused, they will doubt their own reality. A narcicist is not capable of "seeing your side of issues." Their gaslighting is total manipulation!

My spouse tends to keep me in a befuddled mind while here. Always turning things back on me and making me feel guilty for their actions. Or just making me feel crazy like I can’t figure anything out

This is very familiar to me. Once you get away from it, it's so,much easier to see it clearly.

I have also been reading about gaslighting and other cluster B personality manipulations. I spent nearly a month in turmoil wondering the extent of lies she had been telling me. She was so convincing that I only stood my ground because she overreached by trying to gaslight me about what I saw with my own eyes. She also rewrote history after the fact with family/friends. Check out HG Tudor's youtube video "rewriting history" and "5 phrases the narcissist uses to blameshift"

So last night WH must have asked our son to place a Valentines card on my bed since WH is still not home from his trip.

The card was begging me to stay and not leave. The card talked about what love is.

This card along with his text about being in tears all day makes me wonder if the text was just a precursor to me reading the card.

It’s crazy how he can get in my head even when he’s hours away!

I cried last night as I laid down to sleep.