SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everything hinges on [the BS] saying "it's this or goodbye" ... they are unwavering and they are watching to see whether the [WS] is behaving in accordance to these ideas and these terms

Really this is why my M is ending. My STBX didn't take me seriously enough. Thought in his own interest and continued his A under my nose. Watched me literally fall apart and breakdown yet still saw the MOW. It's unforgivable. I could never get past it. I always held resentment against him for it and he took little accountability for it and thought I should just be able to "get over it."

FWIW, I don't disagree at all with Tatkin and the need for boundaries. First thing I thought of when he said what I first referenced was SI's very own Tushnurse, and all the wonderful advice she gave me (and so many others), esp in the beginning. And how her words of wisdom always resonate and help (even in those 1st weeks/months, when I was still in the "but they don't understand ME or MY M or MY cheating spouse...which just now caused me to chuckle bc I'd never dreamed there would be a day I could look back at that time and truly LOL at how silly that sounds! Thank you SI! )

I don't know if I necessarily resent the need for boundaries, I think I "get" that we all need them. Fidelity was a clearly communicated boundary that was specifically discussed after my WH's 1st ONS. I guess what I found fascinating was how the resentment piece creeped in on me. After letting these thoughts/feelings marinate a day or two, I suspect this resentment has everything to do with his lack of progress/effort rather than the establishment of boundaries themselves.

And while I'm trying to avoid getting hung up on the semantics, I really don't like feeling my M is it's own twisted version of the OK corral, even if it may be accurate and helpful.

Maybe it just all comes down to being (finally?) at the precipice. It's like my WH threw me off a cliff with dday, and I've spent more than three effing years crawling my way back up (including the restart at ground zero after the suicide attempt), only to now really see & understand that my worries were accurate... that he's not done jack to build anything even remotely resembling a bridge back to a healthy partnership. A bridge I'm now ready, willing, and able to help with, but I can NOT do that part alone. He is the only person that can build that framework - that can throw the rope to the other side and find something to which it can be tied. His bridge may have still been rickety AF and never -with or without my input - been sturdy enough for the two of us to actually walk across, but at least he'd have tried. Instead of working on that, he's just been standing up there, watching me claw my way back up, and -I believe - telling himself that looks scary AF so I'll just hang out here and hope that by the time she makes it back she'll be too exhausted to remember who threw her down there to begin with.

So, I stare off this precipice, into the rocky chasm of D below, but this time I gotta jump on my own. And I do resent the fuck out of that.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:40 PM, March 30th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

Oh GMC of course this is the way you feel.

I suspect this resentment has everything to do with his lack of progress/effort rather than the establishment of boundaries themselves.

He's scared of looking at himself. However it feels as if he doesn't care enough about you or the M to make the effort. It took years and way too long for my WS to turn after a ton of damage was done. It's only now, almost a year after his breakthrough that I can even think about what it means to build something new. It's a tough road. I have no idea if your WS will get it or do the work but I can tell you that mine *wanted* to do the work and be a good WS (as you likely know) but fell back into his comfort zone of quiet equating to happy.

Perhaps your WS is similar?

This is so important for so many reasons.

The BS needs to empower themselves to heal. Also this helps with the WS in finding remorse and empathy.

It is so critical in changing behavior.

This is so important for so many reasons.

The BS needs to empower themselves to heal. Also this helps with the WS in finding remorse and empathy.

It is so critical in changing behavior.