SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LittleAndyUnicorn, thank you for checking back in.

I wish you all the best, and I am really concerned that you are headed down quite a crooked path. You and your WW sound confused on some things, things that will come back to haunt you.

So the narrative you both have accepted is that your WW cheated because you were too distant in your marriage. And that your WW chose you because in the end OM was such a scumbag. Where is your WW's agency in all this? What about your kids? That you "won" but only because POSOM was such a loser and your WW needs a soft place to land...Does that really make you feel secure with your WW?

And...you've already made peace with how your WW was sneaking around you not even 2 weekends ago? That she was thinking of leaving you for OM, and if OM hadn't rejected her or you hadn't opened up her laptop and caught her, who knows what would have happened.

What makes you so secure that your WW won't cheat again? What is she doing to make herself a safe partner? Remember, you could not see her infidelity coming *the first time*.

I'm sorry brother but this is not going to end well the way you are going.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:25 PM, April 24th (Saturday)]

@LittleAndyUnicorn,

Your lack of ego in this situation is admirable. Your logic seems sound. You will still need to deal with your WW not being a safe partner. Even if you were emotionally distant, her response of having an affair speaks to something being very broken within her and if not addressed properly will just continue to happen.

LittleAndyUnicorn, I wish you best in life moving forward. You know what you can do and handle in life. You are on a path that I can't really give any advice for. I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. I'm so sorry what has happened to you.

Sending strength.

LittleAndyUnicorn,

You do YOU. I entirely agree with your reasoning here and we have to choose the path that makes us happiest and sometimes what makes us truly happiest is sticking by our spouse and children. I completely get that. It’s my choice too.

But to truly reconcile there are some basic truths, they are set in stone. The most clear to me is not accepting ANY responsibility for the affair. I find BS who find fault in their own behaviour are trying to control the outcome in future. ‘If I do a, b, c I can prevent my spouse from cheating again.’ Trouble is there’s always an x, y, z. Your wife is responsible for HER actions. She needs to own that. She needs to work damn hard to be a safe partner for you and I wish I could read that in your posts. The selfish entitled part of her is still there.

It’s great that she can see that this guy is a douche bag, but what about the next guy who flatters her and gives her endless ego kibbles. What is she doing to learn that you as her spouse are not responsible for her happiness, that she is!

In your (totally understandable) desire to wrap your arms around your family and the unborn baby and protect them please remember to protect yourself. Your enemy is within your walls. This doesn’t mean she won’t be an amazing spouse in future, I completely believe in change, in personal growth, I wouldn’t be with my WH if I didn’t BUT we do have to open our eyes wide and really look at who we are married to and what they are doing to become better people.

Please take care of you.

I know everyone is telling me I have no idea what’s coming and that I should leave her, but I feel I am in a pretty good place right now, and I’m prepared for whatever lies ahead.

You have had the double-whammy of a D-day and resulting pregnancy shoved down your throat within a span of days, and you are in a pretty good place? You are either too shell-shocked to think clearly, or are putting too much pressure on yourself.

Glad you're seeking legal counsel about the paternity issue, that's the most urgent - everything else can wait till you can think clearly. What a horrible situation to be in. Wish you strength.

@Dragonfly123 I do understand what you’re saying and I agree I haven’t been describing my wife’s sentiments here.

I’ve known her for 18 years, and something about her was very different in the 4 weeks of the affair. She was not the person I knew for 18 years.

She is absolutely taking 100% responsibility for her choices in this. She acknowledges something is very broken in her character that allowed her to do this. She acknowledges now that she should have sought therapy a long time ago to work on her low self esteem. And she acknowledges that she simply got caught up in the thrill and ego boost of something very exciting that she recognises now as totally self destructive.

I know myself that in the past when I did something that way overstepped my boundaries that the guilt and shame of it, and the hurt it caused my wife (this was 10 years ago and not physical cheating) led me to promise myself I would never again do anything that I’d feel the need to hide.

And I’ve stuck by that so I have to at least extend some faith to the remorse/regret/shame that my wife is showing.

And while I love her, want to remain married to her, and want to build a stronger marry and family, I know in my heart that I have (so far!) survived this ultimate act of betrayal and have the capacity to forgive at some point in the future (she is well aware I’m nowhere near forgiveness yet.)

Her words were “while I was away I could feel you slipping away from me by the hour and it took that to realise that everything I want is already right in front of me.”

Everybody’s words of caution are well heeled and I’ve discussed all of these concerns with her. So I thank everyone for your concern for my situation and also the words of encouragement. Both my wife and I know we have a lot of work in front of us, and we believe this can be a catalyst for a richer marriage (as crappy as that is - but you know, the Chinese have the same word for crisis and opportunity.)

I know myself that in the past when I did something that way overstepped my boundaries that the guilt and shame of it, and the hurt it caused my wife (this was 10 years ago and not physical cheating) led me to promise myself I would never again do anything that I’d feel the need to hide.

Was it emotional cheating? Knowing that would radically change the kind of advice that you're getting.

Whatever it was, were you honest with your WW about it? Fully honest? Did you go to IC for it? Have you explored the whys and hows of it?

What about your wife's desire to move to her home town or has that now been forgotten?

If that's the case it's a shame that she had to have an affair and get pregnant by this POS to finally give this a rest.

Has your WW really addressed some of the most obvious questions and behaviors that you should be asking? If so, I’ve not seen you address it here. Only you know what’s going on with yourself and feelings, but from here it seriously looks like a pretty solid effort to either be the KISA or just sweep this under the rug and move on.

But when I got home I pushed past my general rule of not snooping, and looked on her computer, and sure enough there it was in all its sexually explicit glory. Weeks and weeks of messages between them. They had sex, multiple times, and she loved it.

Did she explain how the sex could be so good until you found out --- and then it was terrible?

I have suggested she go away for a couple of days to her sister's. I asked her if she will see him, and she said probably. Because she needs to ask him why he's changed in the last few weeks.

After you confronted her, she still wanted to see him and ask why he was pulling away. How did she explain this to you?

She says she is torn between her life in the city and this new guy.

Did she explain how and why she’s not torn between the city and you and the country life?

I gave her the ultimatum this morning... end it with him now or I am leaving and taking the kids. Her response?" I didn't realize I had a timeline"

Again, did she explain why she couldn’t decide you were the one even after you confronted her?

I think until these questions are addressed, you’re just agreeing to blindly move on, and some or all of this will come back to haunt you in the future.

[This message edited by Unsure2019 at 6:31 PM, April 25th (Sunday)]

@Unsure2019 thanks for your questions.

I’ve asked her all these things and she was just in a fantasy fog. She thought she could have her regular married life as well as her boyfriend life.

The quality of the sex (or lack of,) the need for closure, etc was just all part of the ego boost spell she was under.

But I am going to ask her again!

while I was away I could feel you slipping away from me by the hour and it took that to realise that everything I want is already right in front of me.”

And,yet, she didn't come back from her vacation with her OM/family. She complained that you weren't giving her enough time to decide who she wanted. And,IIRC, there was one instance in which you were told,by her,that she was with her sister. Yet, you called,and she wasn't with her sister or anyone else in the family. Where was she? While she felt you slipping away..where was she?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:48 AM, April 26th (Monday)]

I’ve asked her all these things and she was just in a fantasy fog.

This statement is your deflection, defense, and minimizing of HER decisions. This is not the time to defend her choices to a bunch of internet strangers. This is the time to listen to those who have been there before and to watch her actions.

What you are doing is clearly an attempt to rugsweep this, to "suck it up" and move forward, including raising another man's child. You cannot become a martyr to score points in this life. It will DESTROY you.

Listen to the advice you are being given. Stop rugsweeping and defending her. Stop it. Now.

D,

I’ve asked her all these things and she was just in a fantasy fog. She thought she could have her regular married life as well as her boyfriend life.

The quality of the sex (or lack of,) the need for closure, etc was just all part of the ego boost spell she was under.

If you want any chance of R – and it’s just that, a chance – your WW needs to dig a lot deeper than simply blaming a “fantasy fog” and “ego boost”. There is much, much more here below the surface, and you BOTH need to be willing to look at it for what is.

I don’t think there was any doubt that you were plan B and if the AP had not pulled away from her, she would have chosen him. She came back because he rejected her, then, she turns up pregnant and you’ve given her a soft, warm spot to land. Now, she blames it on “fantasy fog” and “ego boost” and you can live happily ever after - with a 4th baby that you said you didn’t want but she did.

Frankly, if you accept this BS without her really doing the work, you’re signing up for pain and misery that will just get worse as time goes on. Telling yourself you’re the good guy for taking her back and raising her AP’s baby will not be enough to deal with what’s sure to come.

You didn’t deserve this and you do not need to eat the shit sandwich you’ve been served.

R is tough, gut wrenching work and I can't tell you the number of times I have thought about giving up. I have a thread here under Reconciliation about when it's time to call it quits. 18 months out, and her affair wasn't physical, as far as I know anyways.

Everyone is different. That said, most people can't successfully R, I think most don't even attempt it. Truth is, it is easier to divorce than it is to reconcile. If there is a single point about R I wish to make, is it's the hardest thing you will ever go through, even if it's done correctly. And you are only reconciled if the WS puts in the work.

With all due respect, you are not in Reconciliation yet. That is why this seems too easy as your topic suggests.

What EKT said. The feelings of loss after an affair are similar to a loss after death, both will state the 2-5 year MINIMUM timeline for healing and STARTING to find peace.

Working towards R is tough. Really tough. I’d gladly face death over an affair at any given moment. And I’m the one that did this. For the BS, it’s 10000x worse. My BS will carry this pain the rest of his life. It may ebb and flow in intensity, but it will always be there. Together or apart, he will feel this. If he moves onto a new partner, he will never be the man he once was. It will hit you when you don’t expect it. Be thankful for the good days, but don’t ignore the bad days. Healing has to happen and the pain of this will demand to be felt. Make sure you have proper supports in your life and a plan for when the pain is overwhelming. Lean into people that aren’t emotionally connected. While you may want to always vent and lean into your WW, reality is that your mind also knows she’s the reason you’re feeling this pain.

You can’t do this alone. She needs to be fully invested, too. Pregnant or not. I hope she’s seeking out therapy. Someone well versed in infidelity. If they aren’t well versed and willing to call out flawed thinking, they’re not going to help a WS learn and grow. Never allow this pregnancy to be an excuse to not fix herself. My BH and I ended up with a pregnancy shortly after d-day. I still had to make sure I was maintaining the things I needed to do to fix myself. Less than a week after giving birth, I was back to therapy. Make sure it’s clear that pregnancy isn’t an excuse to not do the work.

And while I love her, want to remain married to her, and want to build a stronger marry and family, I know in my heart that I have (so far!) survived this ultimate act of betrayal and have the capacity to forgive at some point in the future (she is well aware I’m nowhere near forgiveness yet.)

This may sound like a great thing here, but there really is much wrong with this.

You may have said here that you have not forgiven your WW. But your actions, and everything else you have said here including this very paragraph, say quite different. I am really concerned that at this point, your WW thinks that you've accepted her back and raise her baby. And why wouldn't she--that is what your actions have really been saying.

How can your WW possibly understand how badly she has hurt you, when you are being this nice to her?

What consequences is your WW having? Feeling awful about herself and going to therapy to work on her issues does NOT cut it. It would be better if she got herself a job, you know, for the real possibility that she will have to support herself.

The explanation your WW is giving is just to make herself look a little more sympathetic to you and herself, so she doesn't sound so awful and you don't look like such a sucker taking her back. Felt you slipping away from her? Dude, she went away to her sisters and saw OM one more time to do who knows what. She is back with you because where the hell else would she have gone. If OM hadn't been such an obvious scumbag who showed he didn't care about her really and if you didn't catch her in her lies this would still be going on!

Meanwhile, low self-esteem isn't the cause of what happened. I'd say that it is instead a self-ENTITLEMENT issue, meaning her self-entitlement is too HIGH. She thought she was entitled to have both you her husband AND her boyfriend.

@LittleAndyUnicorn, you said a few days ago that you were in a good place. I understand that you were in shock when you wrote that, and that you are still in shock. But meanwhile, almost everyone here is blaring the alarm sirens. Doesn't this concern you?

Your plan is doomed, and you are still not thinking straight. Please, WAKE UP!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:40 PM, April 26th (Monday)]

Meanwhile you are probably thinking that the only roadblock to R is your "getting over it". That your WW sounds so remorseful and sorry that she will spend the rest of her life being Wife Of The Year if you'd only let her--which of course implies that she will never do something like that again.

Here is the problem with this thinking. Your WW has her own guilt and shame to work through. She may be right now relieved and gushing with gratitude that you are not holding her to any consequences. That guilt and shame however, will end up eating away at your WW in the longer term. And in the end, that will really end up hurting you and your M. Don't be surprised if she ends up taking this out on you.

Meanwhile when her feelings of relief and gratitude wear off, she will be prone to cheating again. See, she still will not have fixed her bad coping mechanisms. What will happen the next time she feels disillusioned by marriage or her life--see the above paragraph--and the next guy comes and charms her?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:38 PM, April 26th (Monday)]

I noticed you didn't answer my question about her wanting to move to her hometown.

In my humble opinion, all of this was calculated by your wife. She knew you weren't going to uproot your life so she found a way to make it happen.

What better way than to find a new man that just happened to live where she's desperately wants to be.

Your wife wasn't in some "fog" or "fantasy".

This was planned cunningly.

So she gets pregnant and the OM doesn't want her. So what does she do when her plan falls apart? She comes running back to you pledging her dying love and she's so sorry that this magical spell was put on her and miraculously the the fog has lifted and she's back to her old self. Your loving wife.

HOWEVER, and I'll ask it AGAIN, your loving wife wanted to move back home and came to the conclusion that you weren't going to budge. So in order to make it happen she had an affair with another man and now she's pregnant with this man's child.

In the coming months and years after this baby comes your wife STILL has the desire to move home. So much so she was willing to do ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT.

Has this desire magically disappeared?

Can you honestly look her in the eyes and believe her when she says she was just being foolish and now she knows what she has with you and this is the life she's always wanted??

I mean COME ON!!

She's with you and coming up with this HUGE LIE because her real plan BLEW UP in her face. Lover boy doesn't want her and she now has you who's willing to rugsweep this whole thing and better yet raise this man's baby.

So I ask you what is she saying about being hell bent on moving back home??

@Booyah yes she still wants to move back to her hometown.

I definitely had/have work to do on myself to discover why I was so resistant to going in the first place (I’m some way there.)

These are the notes I made to talk to her about after all y’all posts:

I’m making this too easy for her. There’s been no consequences.

- Nice soft landing

- Welcomed back with open arms

- Promise to be father to baby

It didn’t work out so I’m plan B. She’s told me she was thinking about a future with him. But he started to pull away. If I hadn’t caught her, this would still be going on. And what would she have done once she discovered she’s pregnant? She’d be thinking that this is her new start, with everything she wants.

- Living in hometown

- Baby

- Man just like her Dad (builder, boat, fishing etc)

So of course she’s come back to me. Otherwise she’d be on her own and pregnant right now. GET THAT!!!

She says she’s now realised that what she wants is right in front of her. Why should I believe her?

Isn’t she just back with me because she had nowhere else to go?

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

If this wasn’t with him it would have been with someone else. You don’t just find yourself cheating. This was self-entitled behaviour. That’s why she thought she could have her husband AND boyfriend. This is not just low self esteem or ego boost.

This was self-entitled behaviour.

It absolutely was. They do it because they wanted to plain and simple.

Isn’t she just back with me because she had nowhere else to go?

It might be a combination of things... the A didn't pan out, she is not sure what she wants.

There is another poster here who decided to stay with his WS and she had the AP's baby. It has caused friction amongst the BS's parents, are you prepared for this kind of fallout? This is not going to be an easy R not by a long shot.

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

She should be scared of losing you because she is carrying another man's child. You have every right to be angry. I was angry for about a year could be more.