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If you don't find your anger, or keep stuffing it down, you are going to be eaten alive by it.

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

Now you are starting to get somewhere. This...this right here...is 100% co-dependent. This is what will wreck what you have left of a marriage.

As a CoD, you will allow yourself to be run over just to not "lose her". What you have to come to understand is that she left already, and the one who came back is NOT the woman who left. She changed. She is not the woman you once thought she was. There is no losing her. She is already gone.

Now, as to the anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that is the expression of something else, some other feeling that you have inside. This is something you can explore with your IC or on your own. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself "Why?"

Why are you angry? Is it from being disrespected by her actions? Is it from being lied to? Is it because you feel "less than" and that she took that away? Is it something else?

The source of your anger is the biggest thing you will need to face. For me, my anger was from all the self-righteous behavior my wife had shown all through the years, including attending a Bible study on how to enhance your marriage WHILE SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR. It then turned towards the unfair double-standards that she set out. She expected immediate, full trust, she expected to not have to answer any questions, and the list goes on. I was angry...but that anger was covering something else.

Having recognized your anger is a start. Don't leave it where it is. Follow it through to the source and deal with that piece. If you can't/won't do that, this won't just be a "bumpy" ride. It will be the death spiral from Hell.

I definitely had/have work to do on myself to discover why I was so resistant to going in the first place (I’m some way there.)

On top of everything else, you’re now wondering what’s wrong with you for being resistant to a move you know you don’t want. It seems you just keep turning yourself into a pretzel to find a way to take responsibility for her choices. There is nothing you said or did to cuase this. Your WW made choices that cut you to the core and it's just really hard to watch you excuse, minimize and explain away her behavior. There has been a lot of great advice from folks that havee lived this. You say you're listening, but are you really?

[This message edited by Unsure2019 at 6:35 PM, April 26th (Monday)]

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

CaptainRogers is right about this. And I'd like to add - you are going to get angry. As you think more about it, as the reality of the pregnancy progresses, anger will follow and it will be far more intense than it is today. It will hit you when you least expect it. It will hit you so hard that you won't give a shit about what she does or doesn't do when it surfaces. Anger is normal and common. If she leaves while you experience a little anger now this close to DDay, she isn't going to make it through R and the anger that will follow. She won't make it through the 2-5+ years of R.

People don’t go from good appropriate boundaries to fucking someone for the first time after 15 years in a few weeks.

I’d bet money that she has some semblance of inappropriate stuff before that. Maybe it’s other emotional affairs, or flirting, etc. or maybe it’s more. You need to investigate better.

I’m telling you. There is more. There is always more. ALWAYS.

You just don’t go from 0 to 100 and skip over 50.

If you're going to go ahead with this, no legal protection etc at least try and find out this guy's family medical history.

As someone who is married to a man who is a product of infidelity there has been many medical situations that could have been managed better or even prevented if his parents, him and myself would have known. There are genetic/hereditary conditions that don't show up at the start, some are triggered through puberty, early adulthood, mid-life. Find as much as you can, not just the obvious, check for mental health as well like schizophrenia & bipolar in the family medical history. This kind of legal support can last throughout adulthood, not just until 18, it's important to know not just for you but if you are going to raise this child as you're own it's important to their wellbeing as well.

(You don't need to answer here, but ask yourself) Have you spoken to the sister if your wife took a pregnancy test while she was with her or suspected anything before returning to you? Also I would ask if your wife reached out to AP first in that week, if she would vanish for long moments, if she was aware of fights or rejection. I'm guessing if you know your wife so well you know at least if her family are lying, ask the sister, read the reaction.

As others have said I don't think you know everything to the story, not that I don't believe you when you say you know your wife, I think at one point you knew her very very well but we're talking about a WS now, not the woman you married, betrayed spouses don't think like wayward spouses, we can only see the person we married not the person they now are. You read it on here all the time, BS can't even begin to think like a WS, doesn't understand how WS act like they do or how a WS are so expert at hiding things, it's one of the things that drives us crazy.

Events seem too close together not to question - your WS wants to move closer to family then all of a sudden has an PA in that area then WS runs to her sister when PA is exposed, for a period of time, but then your WS returns to you remorseful and not soon after "surprise, I'm pregnant" ... To someone who is reading so much right now about gaslighting and in heavy investigation mode IRL myself to me this reads as your WS wanting to move closer to her OM (who she has known for longer than she has said) so WS starts pushing the topic of moving. They have, knowingly and reckless unprotected sex. Then this OM has his own issues and in the end didn't want her once the affair was discovered/blown up. Then WS finds out she is pregnant and PANICS! so since the OM doesn't want her she returns to you because you're safe and she is screwed and by herself pregnant to a man who doesn't want her if you don't take her back. Again, my brain is working very jaded right now but the events you mention are so linear and close if you write your own timeline down of events, I think you should be there for any scans to help calculate dates as well, I think your WS knew about the pregnancy before the show of “finding out” with you. Did she think getting pregnant with him would make him ask her to leave you?

You say you fear her leaving but, well, is she truly someone you want around you? Your kids? Is her carrying another man’s baby while using you as a crotch because your safe healthy for the kids to witness or you to live with? IDK you come across like someone strong enough to turn the other cheek and “do the right thing” but surely being used as plan b will eat you alive one day. I can only hope you find yourself in a healthy R where you don’t question motives and authenticity of affection (because it’s hell being uncertain if they’re only with you because you’re safe.)

Anyway, forgive me, I went on a ramble, my own demons leeched in, forgive me. All I wanted to say, incase you haven't considered it yet, is to find out about this OM medical family history so you're prepared for the future because not all hereditary issues shows up in gestation and early childhood and trust me you want to be prepared.

(again, no need to answer) but have you told the OBS about the child as well? I think it's kindness to let them know.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:17 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

Consider this statement. What do you mean? Do you feel that you are not free to express your feelings with your partner? If so, does that sound like a good relationship? You have to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't get angry and leave you?

I'm not encouraging you to harbor resentment. However, as has been stated, you shouldn't be hiding it. Express yourself and by all means, stand up for yourself!

YOU didn't cheat, lie and knock up someone else. That was your WW. You have every reason to be angry. If you choose to stay together, you will likely have a reminder of her infidelity staring you in the face every day for the next 20 years. It takes a very strong person to even CONSIDER that option. I certainly don't think I have that in me.

I hope you are seeing a counselor individually, as you have a LOT going on. You have a lot to think about. The reaction for most people is to accept their WS when they come running back to the M. However, there are a lot of pitfalls in that, as others have told you. Your reaction is normal, but perilous. Proceed with caution.

@LittleAndyUnicorn,

You touched on some points that a lot of us guys can relate to, I think, but I know I sure can.

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

I know that feeling all too well. See, when a woman who has been devoted to us all this time loses interests and cheats on us with another man, it can really cut very deeply. It can feel like she sees right through us to our weaknesses and that she concluded that we were not 'man enough' for her--unlike that OM, who seems to have precisely what we are lacking. It has to be one of the most painful feelings in the world for us to face. So if she comes back saying how she is so so sorry, there is a part of us that is hugely relieved, at least at first. The intense bleeding-out has been staunched. There are all these unanswered questions and concerns, but no way does it compare to the pain of the times when she was gone away, right? 'At least I got my wife and marriage back!'--Or that is the way the thinking goes.

This probably is the root of codependence. Or maybe it is just wanting some sort of return to normalcy after our world gets smashed. At least that would be my guess.

But, you soon come to realize that...well, you don't really have your wife back. You trusted your wife before and you knew who she was to the core of your beings, or at least you thought you knew who she was. Now, you aren't so sure. You cannot trust her the way you did before.

And then, the anger and the rage comes in. This painful wound and sense of emasculation that you have...wasn't this all due to your wife's actions? She betrayed you for another man and chose him over you, and now she has put you in an awful position. In addition, it's impossible to avoid showing how devastated you feel right now. You hate looking this weak in front of her on the one hand, and yet on the other hand you are so angry with her for betraying you and putting you in this position in the first place.

Anyways it felt to me reading this that you're going for typical Nice Guy coping strategies, writ extra large. 'Accept her back and don't rock the boat. Help her out during her pregnancy even though she is pregnant by OM. Then take the illusion of control of the situation by saying that the reason she strayed was that you were often taking her for granted or something like that'. All the above aforementioned feelings of anger and rage, you're going to try to stuff down as best as you can, even if it is only out of relief that at least she is back home. It's codependent as all get-out. You can go to a lot of places that will jsutify doing this very thing though--everywhere from The Church which preaches forgiveness and turning the other cheek, to many therapists and their advices. The problem is that in the long run this works horribly.

First of all, you are taking huge hits in self-respect. Next, your WW is going to start feeling awfully funny about things. By not standing up for yourself, your WW is actually losing respect for you even if she dare won't admit this to herself never mind to you.

You remember that the one thing that got your WW to snap out of it (temporarily at least) a few weekends ago was you telling her that you were done? You stopped doing that when she came home. Now here you are acting the fool caring for your WW pregnant by another man. Does she even respect you for that? Really?

I am hoping that you are at least seriously reconsidering that path you are on, and seeing how doomed this would be. Playing the sucker as you have been doing for the past couple of weeks does not work.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:14 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

yes she still wants to move back to her hometown.

But isn't the AP around there?

Also her family. So every time she goes back to her hometown without her, you will be full of anxiety again that she will cheat again.

You do see that correct? And this is on her, not you. You don't fix this anxiety, she does.

I definitely had/have work to do on myself to discover why I was so resistant to going in the first place (I’m some way there.)

Nope! You didn't want to go. You had no reason to go. She didn't even want to bring her kids, she wanted to go alone. This is all about her trying to recapture her youth, which she equates to freedom. She shouldn't want to be free. You aren't holding her down, you are raising her up. She is just upset she didn't raise herself up. She feels higher than the people around where she grew up.

The 2X4's are being gentle. We are using simple logic and you keep going back to fear of losing your wife. You should have done what I said and stopped talking to her. Then slip away from her like she fears. If you love her, you will come back. If you don't, the answers will be so clear. You need the space. She is not healthy for you.

I also detect abandonment issues in you. You need to know, the kids will be just fine with 2 divorced parents. Don't make this about you sacrificing for them and your wife so she sees how much you love her. She won't see it that way. She will see that you think she is above you and that you smother her with your putting her on a pedestal.

Make her chase you a bit. She needs to run after you, so you feel special. Right now, she just is talking. Talk is cheap. What actions is she taking?

There are too many misconceptions about R outlined in this thread to respond to all of them, so I'll write about what R is, not about the misconceptions. This will summarize the accurate things that are sprinkled hear and there in this thread.

R requires 3 healings: BS heals BS; WS heals WS; together BS & WS heal/(re)build/create the M they both want. You each heal yourself, because it's internal work, and you are the only one who knows your insides, and your W is the only one who knows her insides.

As others have said, LittleAndyUnicorn, you seem to be twisting yourself into pretzel shapes to conform to what you think your W wants. You're stifling your feelings (anger, for example). You're possibly forcing yourself to want things you don't want (this child, relocation). That's the opposite of healing.

You've been inundated with fear, grief, anger, and shame. Healing from infidelity requires you to process those feelings out of your body. That may raise other internal issues that need to be resolved - for example, what do you need to do to stop stifling yourself..

Your WS's healing is whatever it takes to get authentic and to change from betrayer to good partner. I still don't read anything about what your W is willing to do.

Creating the M you both want ... well, where do you want to live? Are you really OK with raising the OC?

I don't think you realize what R(econciliation) takes - which is normal this close to d-day.

Slow down. Take a lot of deep breaths. Get support in real life. A therapist who helps you want what you don't want ... doesn't look ideal to me.

Among other things, you have a job and a place to live now. You're under IMMENSE stress now. Moving is a giant stressor. A new job is a giant stressor. Pregnancy is significant stressor on you, and a new baby is a giant stressor.

I can't imagine anyone in a decent frame of mind recommend anything but minimizing change at this point.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:21 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

LittleAndyUnicorn, your wife's pregnancy should not be the basis of your decision to reconcile. She needs to earn the gift of remaining married to you.

Abortion vs raising the child yourself aren't your only options. Your wife can give the child up for adoption. If she wants to remain in contact with her child, she can arrange for an open adoption. You and your wife can also legally separate but hold off on divorce while you see how reconciliation plays out.

If you think getting pregnant is enough of a consequence to teach your wife a lesson and transform her character overnight, I'm afraid you're mistaken.

If anything, she is being rewarded for her bad behavior. She gets a shot at having a daughter again, you're willing to raise her child with OM even though he or she isn't yours, you're taking her on family getaways, and you're so terrified of losing her that you won't even let yourself feel angry!

What is your wife willing to do earn your trust and continual devotion? What sacrifices is she willing to make that could even come close those that she is currently expecting from you?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:43 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

First of all, you are taking huge hits in self-respect. Next, your WW is going to start feeling awfully funny about things. By not standing up for yourself, your WW is actually losing respect for you even if she dare won't admit this to herself never mind to you.

You remember that the one thing that got your WW to snap out of it (temporarily at least) a few weekends ago was you telling her that you were done? You stopped doing that when she came home. Now here you are acting the fool caring for your WW pregnant by another man. Does she even respect you for that? Really?

OP- read WontbefooledAgain's post ^^, then read it again, and keep reading it till you GET it. STOP WITH THE PICK ME DANCE NOW.

I’m worried that if I stay angry with her I’ll lose her.

Do you see it as a loss?

So, what did you win in this situation now? AP's baby?

Dude put the parachute on and bail on this. There is a thin line between being a champ/hero and a chump/cuck. The child is innocent yes and should have the chance at life but that does not mean you have to take on the burden. She see's you as the meal ticket now because the REAL dad is shit. I was in a situation much like yours and i just could not raise another mans child. The mom and kid did fine on their own. Your WW can 2.

I pray that the OP is still reading.... @LittleAndyUnicorn a lot has been thrown at you, are you still with us, brother.

I know everyone is telling me I have no idea what’s coming and that I should leave her, but I feel I am in a pretty good place right now, and I’m prepared for whatever lies ahead.

^^Unfortunately, you are not prepared. I think you are in denial. The betrayal will eventually hit you like a ton of bricks as it has all of us, you are currently in shock. The anger will hit, so be prepared.

I have to agree with the others about marriage counseling, you both need individual counseling right now.

I don't think you are living the truth that your life is in shambles, so sorry to be blunt. You are rushing into R, you are living in some fantasy, IMO, the reality of it all will hit, and it will hit hard. No amount of therapy prepares you for trauma of this magnitude.

at one point you knew her very very well but we're talking about a WS now, not the woman you married, betrayed spouses don't think like wayward spouses, we can only see the person we married not the person they now are.

Yup,

And it can take a LONG time before the BS can (finally) realize that the person before them, TODAY, is NOT the person before them when they said "I do".

It ain't an easy thing to come to terms with, but IMO, it's necessary.

Take OFF the rose colored glasses, and you just may find that you don't want to be a pretzel anymore.

There does seem to be a rash of BHs coming on here lately who rushed into "reconciliation", and it has turned out quite badly. This is one of THE most dire such instances that I have read here so far. I really do hope OP comes back.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:53 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]

is that my wife's stupid choices were born out of this guy taking advantage of her low self esteem.

Hey OP, sorry for this mess you've landed in. Keep strong for your kids.

If you decide to divorce, don't sweat it just tell her it's because of your low esteem.

LittleAndyUnicorn:

I hope you are well. I believe you reside in a foreign country and English may not be your first language. I reread your last post and I interpreted that everything that came after the colon were not your thoughts, but a summary of the comments you received from posters that you intended to talk with your WW about in the next few days. Therefor comments like “ being afraid of losing your WW if you stay angry” is not your belief but a reflection of a comment you received. It would help if you would clarify. You have received some good advice. ChamomileTea and Dragonfly123 have given you advice to heed. Good luck.