SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I left after four years and a day.

I tried to get past his affair. I tried to get past knowing that this was the real man I had married. I tried to get past his selfish disregard for me and his children and extended family and friendships.

I couldn’t and can’t.

As I tried during that time, I was turning into a person I didn’t like or recognize. I felt I had to realign to who he was in order to make it work and be sustainable.

And it was killing me. I was choosing to erase who I was for a man who really hadn’t changed. Meh, he stopped having an AP, but everything else was the same.

So I chose me. I chose me and my values, and my personal growth. I will give myself grace for the time between DD and now, and reflect.

It’s going to be ok.

You will be better than “ok”.

Glad you had the strength and courage to make that difficult decision.

((((Frankiesbeads))))

Sending you strength as you move into a happier, healthier life.

Too many compromises end up robbing us of our identity, so well done for recognising that pattern and taking action. You chose you and that shows strength and grit, qualities which will help you rebuild your life in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

(((Frankiesbeads))) you are going to be better than ok. Not the easiest decision to make but the best one for a healthier us.

Thanks everyone.

The past 2 days have been a whirlwind of moving. (Honestly, this task was something that seemed so insurmountable and difficult that it kept me frozen)

But I have my space. It’s quite amazing to me.

I still have much to do. WH is upset and vacillating between inconsolable and furious. However, for the most part he is accommodating.

I now have to get the last bit of things and call it a night.

This is doable. To anyone thinking it’s too tough to do, it’s not. And the ability to just *rest* is worth it.

(((Frankiesbeads))) congratulations for being true to yourself. You are going to be just fine.

Congratulations- I believe statistically speaking most women stay in their marriages after their husbands cheat. I think I was in the minority of women that kick them to the curb (around 25%).. My ex too stopped seeing the affair partner, but it didn’t matter. He had a long term affair, lied to me for years, took time and money away from the family.. you know the story.

After we separated I built a new home, raised my son, got promoted, changed to a higher paying career and dated many men, settling on one. Will I ever marry again? I don’t know. I know for a fact.though that I am ok either way..

Anyway - great job. Hope you have found your inner peace ✌🏻

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 7:15 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

Always value yourself. In the end that’s all we have. Wishing you the best moving forward.

Your post has touched something within me, Frankiesbeads. My H went NC and has not cheated since I caught him in late 2014, as far as I know. Yet the expectations for the person he could become with the years of IC snd MC didn’t quite materialize. Day to day life is manageable, good in many ways, but I don’t feel the same for him today. I guess I’m feeling a bit envious that you’ve made this decision for yourself and are following through.

You go girl! You are choosing yourself and your well-being, which is a strong and very admirable choice. I wish you all the best on this new phase of your beautiful life. 😊

So I spent my first night in my space. My head hit the pillow hard and I woke at 8am. That is sleeping in to me lol

I had to go to the house and pick a few forgotten items. WH was there, and the way he now blaming me for the dissolution of the marriage, well, I think he has to in order to get thru this. He was so hateful at times, and all I could think was this is how he truly feels about me.

And the conversation was about his needs and wants or my faults and blame. He minimized the sexual abuse (constant sexual coersion) or said when i was having sex with him, I had a good time.(I did not) He focused only on the 4 years after DD, not the dysfunction prior. There was no substantial awareness.

I also had to tell him that I do not want his help at my new place. Man, that grinded his gears. ‘Why is my help good enough HERE but not THERE?’ His frustration was like another entity.

Because the help you are providing is to benefit YOUR wants. See those things around your help? Those are the strings attached to you.

You can keep them, thank you.

And now I shall have my first shower in my new space.

My new space and my super bright clarity.

I would go total NC with him. Block him. Don't answer if he knocks at your door. Don't feed his need for attention, positive or negative.

He's clearly ratcheting up his bullshit antics because he's losing control of you. Be cautious; perhaps it would behoove you to install a security system.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 10:40 AM, May 5th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for the update.

I am happy for you.

Fours years may seem long but it’s not after infidelity. Many of us are still very confused and upset during that timeline.

Your going early and yet long enough for you to know. I wish I had that experience. I’m glad you could just leave without violence or craziness. It could be much worse.

It always suprises me when the cheater still can’t see the scope of damage they caused. They are shocked you might leave. Really?

Good luck. I hope you love your new nest. It took me awhile but I enjoy redecorating mine. I sleep different too .

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 12:55 AM, May 7th (Friday)]

Officially one week in at my own apartment.

Yesterday, I was missing the habit/comfort? of his presence. Of the presence and energy of the entire family in one space. I do wish I could transfer some of that energy to here, but I understand that this same energy is part of what made me want my independence.

Regarding WH, he hasn’t reached out, which is a pleasant surprise. It also has me second guessing my decision. But I am resolute.

I left because of so much. It was a toxic marriage. It was not kind and loving. Oh perhaps on a surface level but all one needed to do was lightly scrape the surface and the contempt and sadness would hit one in the face.

It was not good. Leaving is best for everyone.

My daughters tell me they are so proud of me. They know. Regrettably, they know.

Ok...so toast with avocado and tomato for a late brekkie.

Thanks for listening.

Congrats for having the courage to do what I couldn`t do so far. I'm close to 3.5 years living this rollercoaster of emotions, but basically being someone far from the easy going and happy person I was. I managed to put into words exactly what happens to me... My wife, as far as I know, haven`t had another AP, but everything else remained the same. And I`m tired... exhausted... tired of being said, tired of not being me... tired of being constantly waiting for her next rudeness.

I feel that I won`t make it to 4 years and 1 day... specially seeing so many people with the courage to be the rulers of their own lives. I`m still 40, I can not spend the next 10 years or longer feeling the way I am.

Thank you for sharing your experience... I`m looking forward to this ability to just rest, as you well mentioned... something I had not been able to do in a long time, always fighting not only this invisible enemy (the AP who I never met and never will) and my wife, who thought that by being there doing the same she always did, we would be able to move forward past her affair.

My best wishes to you! And hopefully soon I will be the one releasing myself from this situation I was dragged into because my wife thought it was a good idea to have an affair.

Strength and Peace to you.

I moved out almost 2 years ago but I haven’t been able to rid myself of WH or exAP completely.

NC was the most peaceful time that I have ever had. I loved my new apartment and was hopeful for my future.

I should be divorced by now and moving on, like I had planned. My WH is unwell and I stupidly got sucked back into caring for him last December. It has really taken a toll on my own health. So I am still struggling to fix myself now.

I wish I was 4 years out.

Whatever you do, don’t go back.