Well I wanted to post this in the sticky thread but it’s closed.
The first part of this post is in General, topic “50 years ago”
My parents have been M almost 61 years. My mom is mentally ill and was not controlled or treated at all for most of my childhood. Daddy was the glue that held our family together. He took care of my siblings and I. He was the one who attended all our school functions. He was the cool “band dad” who went to all the football games an competitions for 6 plus years as my sister, brother and I made our way through HS.
As I was typing out the other post I realized I know a LOT more about my parents than is probably healthy. I’ll skip most of that here. But basically, my mom had an A with their BIL (dad’s sister’s H) and they R’ed. (More rugswept than reconciled). A couple of years ago my dad confessed to multiple PA/ONS during their early M. It just about destroyed my mom. His dementia is so far advanced that there is nothing he could or can do to help heal their M. Oh, but she tried. She bought a SA workbook for him. Tried to do MC.
I felt so helpless. I understand her pain. But it’s my Daddy. Who is vulnerable and child like now. And my siblings and I have struggled with the decisions about the future.
Here’s the beautiful part of the story though. Since Daddy almost died in early April, Mom has done a lot of healing. I think it’s been happening slowly and the crisis with his health solidified things. She’s been going to work with me a couple of days a week and spending the day with him. We’ve talked a lot during the drive to/from. She has found acceptance and peace. I think she’s found, if not forgiveness, then the grace to just not keep punishing him. She acknowledged to me that she had been a terrible wife and mother a lot of the time. And I told her she didn’t cause him to cheat any more than he caused her to. They both made choices. But he took care of us and her during the times she couldn’t take care of herself. He never ever disparaged her or allowed us to disrespect her in any way.
And in all of the dysfunction and brokenness, they raised 3 children of their own, plus half a dozen unofficial foster children. And my sister, brother and I love each other. We love and honor our parents. All of our children have close relationships with each other and with their grandparents. So for all they did wrong, they got some stuff right.
Daddy is coming home from rehab next week. And Mom has been helping to prepare the house. She’s even willingly parted with stuff she’s hoarded, in order to make their home safer for him. (This is HUGE, y’all.). And she is planning a vow renewal and anniversary party a couple of weeks after he comes home. It will be on their 61st anniversary.
It’s never too late to do better. It’s never too late to change unhealthy patterns. That’s the one thing about my mom that I admire more than anything else. She’s 80. A CSA survivor. She has several mental illnesses that are difficult all by themselves. No one would blame her if she just quit trying. But she won’t quit trying to do better.
She has a peace about her now that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in my life. And that makes me a happy daughter.
