SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today in IC I mentioned the shame I feel for trying. She told me that I need to honor the voice inside myself that wants to protect me.

I took it to mean: If WH improves, that voice inside me will know what to do. If he doesn't - she will scream louder.

I took it to mean: If WH improves, that voice inside me will know what to do. If he doesn't - she will scream louder.

Bingo!

FWIW, my experience was the opposite. My WW told me about her A and dumped me for the AP, all in one sitting. The pain, trauma, sense of vertigo, all of it was crushing. Like I almost couldn't breathe. I actually felt physical pain in my heart. I remember thinking: "So this is what they mean by heartbreak."

As unbelievably bad as that is, I agree that it was the best outcome for you. I have wished many times that my XWH had just done that instead of wanting to try and coming back over and over to try and contact me. It makes less sense to treat someone like shit and still claim to want them than to treat someone like shit and be done with them.

Houseofplane AMAZING POST!

I totally agree! I refuse to let my WHs infidelity reflect on my sense of who I am.

My WH was one who walked out initially to be with his AP and put me through months of hell, along with a breakdown, many shouted deal breaker.

So at first I was crippled by shame. Honestly, it made me feel ill. But then I realised I’d taken on enough, his affair had already caused enough damage and this wasn’t going to be another layer!

I realised and embraced the fact that I chose to reconcile with him and I and I alone am in charge of my path, and if I make that decision, I will do it without carrying the baggage of shame. I embraced the fact that I loved him and I’ve learnt to appreciate the efforts he makes to be a better person. I’ve learnt to look at him and recognise how hard it is to fight to stay in a marriage where you have hurt your family so deeply. I see his courage. He chose to fight his way back rather than run and continue down his self destructive path.

Even if he cheats again, I will not feel shame for giving him this chance, as I know that it is reflective of who I am as a person and my core beliefs and values. I am also very clear that he is very remorseful and I have no reason to disbelieve what he believes is true of himself, that he is working on being a better person.

What helped for me (and it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea) is to be very open about what happened to us. And to explain clearly why I stayed. I’ve found that just by doing that, I alleviated some of the shame, as I saw for myself my friends and family’s positive shift in their understanding of why I was choosing to embark on this journey.

I really wish you peace because I remember that feeling of shame well and it was awful!

Thanks for the props

I’ve learned a lot from this forum, thinking and probing. Feels good to occasionally give something back.

OP, hope you can find your peace, shipmate!

House of Plane, your comment has so much wisdom in it, thank you. I checked out your profile and I really needed to read your survival checklist, thank you for summarizing and sharing it too.

Perspective is everything moving forward, and it's hard work to try to shape my feelings toward healthy and away from the hurtful. Every time I think I'm pain shopping and need to step away from these forums, I find some wisdom and insights here that are making all the difference in my life, and helping me to find acceptance moving forward. Being in the thick of things for three years feels like forever, but I have to realize that I am a baby in this process, still learning to walk. I'm grateful for those who have gone the long haul and share their journey with us here.

Also, that is my favorite Mary Oliver quote. I have it framed on my bookshelf.

Denver, you reframing and unshaming yet? Hoping for a sea change for you.

HouseofPlane,

Your post reminds be of this part of Epictetus' Handbook:

6. Do not be joyful about any superiority that is not your own.

If the horse were to say joyfully, "I am beautiful," one could put

up with it. But certainly you, when you say joyfully, "I have a

beautiful horse," are joyful about the good of the horse. What, then,

is your own? Your way of dealing with appearances. So whenever

you are in accord with nature in your way of dealing with appearances,

then be joyful, since then you are joyful about a good of your own.

I know what you are feeling

I am not good enough

I should not feel this way

Why can't I do things like other people

I should have done x. I could have done y

You need to start saying

I am worthy because you are!!

I am allowed to feel the way to feel because my feelings are valid because they are.

You are unique like everyone else.

You are ok in this moment and you feelings are justified because they are yours.

There is nothing wrong with you nor has there ever been.

My shame(probably more anger at this time) is purely with myself, about myself. And it really can only be viewed through the lens of time.

For the record, I am, in my opinion, reconciled. I've left my tagline alone, and I can see it as a plain reminder of time lost that I will never get back. The more frustrating part is that if I would have taken the immediate action(s) that my mind was screaming at me to do, I can confidently bet that our marriage would be at the point it is RIGHT NOW.....about 3 years prior.

Immediately after my initial Dday, I was a textbook BS. I probably did about 95% of everything wrong. I didn't find this site for another 6 months.....after another Dday. From that point, I did do a lot of the things properly, except I didn't put myself on any sort of timeline. Worse yet, I made the easy excuses to wait a little longer(youngest going to college in a couple of years was my primary go-to), and then I'll get the divorce rolling if she doesn't meet my criteria. Eventually, she did meet these needs, and for the most part, the marriage has returned to what I believe is a reasonably strong one once again.

But one of the things that is often said to a newly betrayed is "When you look at yourself in the mirror five years from now, will you be able to look that person in the eye"? And to me, now that time has elapsed, is "Yes", but with a disappointing smirk/grimace on my face. I can honestly say today that an underlying sense of fear delayed me from taking a stronger stance. And it is eating at me. Currently. Maybe that will change down the road, but right now, knowing that I ignored my self-respect....at least for a certain amount of time....due to fear is bothering me. I know better. I knew better. But yet, didn't act. Very frustrating.

And to continue along this line, I almost feel like a keep a chip on my shoulder now. I fucking dare her to ever show me disrespect like that again in any aspect of our lives, and look out for the avalanche of consequences heading her way. I know that is not healthy. But, I put my self-respect on the back burner for what I thought was the eventual greater good, and, at least for me, that part hasn't worked out the best.

T/J - jb3199, bro,

You - and all BSes - have to find your own way through this. There are no guides that are easily accessible to all. When I was new to this, it took me a couple of months to find SI - everything else I found was crap.

None of us is perfect. You did the best you could under the circumstances. That's all you can expect from yourself.

You did what you did. The rest of us did what we did. It's in the past. None of us can change it.

It's OK to forgive oneself, especially when one has learned from one's experience.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:00 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]

sisoon,

You did the best you could under the circumstances.

But I didn't. I lied to myself, while at a semi-conscious level, was aware of such. I remember, vividly, one specific time as I was walking out my front door right after a Dday, running a million things through my head. What it was going to take to get the house ready to sell; the effort to move 20+ years of accumulated marriage crap out of there; getting myself a place to live afterwards----and then a thought came through my head--"You don't have to rush this. You can take your time. When my younger son is closer to college(over a year away), then you can deal with these issues".

It was like total serenity. I just kicked that can down the road in a simple thought.

It was avoidance, and I KNEW it. Don't get me wrong--I'm not a bitter guy just going through the motions. I am happy. But I am not happy with how I handled myself. When I look back now, it's kind of like I sold my soul. The challenge was in front of me, and I backed down. Is that the real, real, real reality? I'm not sure, but I have to be introspective. How do we learn if we don't?

How can I feel both things?

I felt both things.

And then a wider range of emotions after working through it all.

Eventually, it came to this —

I am not my wife’s shitty choices.

Her fall, her betrayal of herself, her family and me was her call and up to her to turn that around and be better or not.

All I ever did was love my wife and family, and there is no shame in that. Ever. Not for ME.

I will always understand how infidelity ends in divorce. I get it.

I will also never be ashamed for offering my marriage one last chance to get it right, to be stronger for each other and see what happens.