SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nearly 10 years ago I joined SurvivingInfidelity because I was trying to do just that, survive my wife's infidelities. Notice, plural.

Just over a week or so ago my divorce was final. Twenty-nine years. Done. Gone. Down the tubes. All because one person could not be faithful. Could not adhere to her marriage vows. Could not resist lying down with multiple men.

This was my second marriage and the second one to break up over infidelity. It makes one wonder. Was it me? Is there something wrong with ME? Did I not do what I should have could have? Was I unfaithful? No, I was implicitly faithful. NEVER strayed, never cheated, never. So, what happened?

First marriage, I know. THAT wife had been sexually abused by a relative and raped by schoolmates. Both things I did not know at marriage. It doesn't excuse the cheating but it helps explain it.

The second wife, now there's a whole different story.

Should I have married her? Probably not. But then I would not have had the kids I love and cherish. The ONLY good issues to come of that coupling.

She is selfish and weak with little compassion for anyone else unless it has a way to benefit her.

Six affairs, that I know of, and a few I suspect, in 29 years.

I was vulnerable, in the final months of my first divorce, when my first wife introduced us. THAT should have been a huge red flag.

But, given my situation, and the fact she was hot, young and wanted to be with me. What's a guy gonna do?

I spent the next 29 years repenting in leisure.

There's no solution for a marriage like that, no wisdom or talk or suggestions that can solve a marriage so far out of whack. The ONLY solution is to end it. THAT took me years. FIVE to be exact. Once she walked out, leaving me with the kids and the bills (SHE made more than I did), it took me a lot to get to this point.

I had to wade through a experience with cancer (prostate, which left me in a diminished capacity in certain areas), the tragic deal of a daughter, raising my remaining kids without a mother, dealing with the foreclosure of our home and having to pay hers and my income taxes for four years because she refused (roughly $13,000). I got off that gravy train this year, legally filing separate since the divorce had been filed and letting her finally feel the sting of having to pay.

I have lost a lot. Nearly 30 years that I could have been with someone else who likely would have been faithful, someone to grow old with and cherish.

The simple fact is, had she had the capacity to be faithful I would have stayed and been the most faithful and dedicated spouse ever.

Instead, I'm now single, raising our 15-year-old daughter (who got all As and Bs in her first year of high school YEAH!), working full-time, and trying not to get depressed (I'm not like that, usually).

So, for those of you who have made suggestions and offered wisdom over this past decade I say THANK YOU. I'm going to keep lurking, but I likely won't be making that many comments or observations of my own. I'd like to get back into life. We shall see.

Ciao

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 5:59 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]

Wow katmandude, what a story!! You sound strong and ready to face this world. You survived infidelity, twice, and came out the other side a changed person... For the better I think😉. Just a hunch.

Enjoy your amazing life!!

Don't forget about the 'New Beginnings' forum. If your XW turns out to be anything of a bunny-boiler, there's always the Divorce/Separation forum, too.

Katmandude, you are one true survivor. It’s normal to feel somber after the joy and relief of divorce. But it’s a necessary phase to get you back to ‘living your life’ as you said yourself.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. Also, your experience will be valuable for others still in the throes of infidelity and divorce.

Happy new beginning Katmandude

Congrats my man, you've earned your moment of triumph.

Your life will only improve with the removal of the dead weight.

Best wishes.

Wow! So sorry about all the crap she put you through, but congratulations for finally making it to the other side.

Enjoy your new life. Get out there and do something different for YOU.

Were there only a "REAL" oracle who could gaze into a crystal ball, smoky pool or tea leaves, or maybe a big blue genie to grant wishes. Mine would be to have my kids, sans the offending partner.

Or, if any of you out there are done with your magic rings, or have a spare wish left, send it my way!

But.

Ain't to be.

What would have been a very sweet life for both of us now turns into just about scraping by (not living under a bridge but also not a "no cares in the world" life. I also, at 67, am still raising a teen (15, rising HS sophomore) and have a 25 Y.O. son back at home.

Lord, what the heck did I do to deserve this station in life?

I have to admit, going forward from here is not just daunting, it's downright depressing.

Twice divorced (my Binford 3000 spouse picker is definitely broken), prostate cancer survivor (with all the attendant problems THAT scourge can bring, you guys know what I mean), working in a profession that isn't exactly the most stable (think, what's black and white and read all over?) AND, besides my kids (WHOM I ADORE TO PIECES AND WON'T EVER IGNORE), really have no other person in my life. Oh, I have friends, and a couple good ones, but that SPECIAL someone has become elusive as a jackalope.

The few dates I have had were just BLEAH and I've pretty much put myself out to pasture (NOT TO STUD, BUT TO CHEW THE CUD).

These last 45 or so years (First marriage, divorce, second marriage, divorce) went fast. WHOOSH. In some respects that was good. I can forget the pain, the suffering, the humiliation, the downright, grating and twisting pain of finding out, not once, but twice, that you married a cheater. And not one who dipped the sticks just once. Oh, no, I had to hooked up TWICE with serial cheaters. That bespectacled Joey guy on Cheaters would have had a field day with my XWWW's.

I will have a long, long discussion with the guy upstairs (IF that's where I land, God willing and the River Styx don't rise) on what the heck was he thinking? Maybe he'll have a very good reason. Maybe I saved some other poor schmuck who wouldn't have handled this so well from a very different and worse fate.

Whatever it is, it had better be good!

What a story! Your story, and I mean this in a very respectful way, really puts my situation into perspective.

I can only imagine the pain of D, to find love again, heartbreak, and then another D. Ouch. I'll never understand the wayward's mindset.

Thank you for posting and I'm heartbroken to hear your tale but also happy for you that you have some relief now.

This probably isn't the right thread but my uncle on my wife's side is a few years older than you and lives in a retirement community. He is a handyman of sorts and gets showered with attention as he's one of only a few single guys there, and quite often a nice lady will invite him to her unit to fix something and maybe a little romance! Hopefully it isn't too soon for you to make you smile a little!

Have a good weekend and thank you for posting your story.

I, too, was cheated on twice - once by my university boyfriend (we were together 5yrs then) and then by my exhusband.

I decided that I was the common denominator - NOT because this was my fault at ALL for being cheated on. However, I had chosen 2 men that both exhibited selfish traits right from the very beginning of the relationship.

I changed my dating tactic since then (past 5 yrs or so). I identified the traits that I wanted in a mate and "being kind" was one of my top wants (my dad is a kind man and I adore that about him). But I wanted a man that was kind but also has boundaries. A strong man that is happy to be strong or vulnerable but he knows his worth. Both of my exes were kind to people that could do something for them. They were more KISA than nice. When I on OLD I would make sure to see how they treated people in public (such as wait staff, homeless people, regular people, etc) and also listen to how they described relationships in their life.

You are so strong already, surviving both times of being cheated on. The good news is that you have a LOT of power in your hands

ooph. so sorry! Im in the exact same boat. both of my last did the same. Its not about you tho. maybe you chose wrong but you didnt cause this. Im sorry you have to go thru any of this.

So, yesterday I get a text from the NEWLY EX: "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY."

I spent a few hours just looking at the text.

In the past I usually berated her telling her I'm not her daddy. She'd respond equally with something about our kids.

Tired of the drama, tired of the BS, just tired.

This year, took the high road. Just said "Thanks."

Nothing says you have to respond. Ignoring is a great option.

Yeah, you're right, I don't. But, that just encourages more vitriol. Rather just nip it right then and there.

No chance she's going to get swallowed by a sinkhole or abducted by aliens so, just let it go .......