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Next week is our 14 year wedding anniversary and it is really triggering me. It has brought back a lot of thoughts and low feelings. I found out that my WH had been having an affair 10 months ago. I confronted him as soon as I found out and told him I wanted a divorce. We R 2 days later. He was completely open about everything although it was terribly painful. We had MC. Part of the problem was that he was working in a different town an hour away and we had a flat there so he often stayed over. He has now got a new job where I work. He is just working out his notice period. Last night though he stayed at the flat and fell asleep early (he wasn’t well) and so I didn’t get to speak to him. I really struggled.

I just need to put this out where people understand. I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I did confide in a friend and my sister but they both thought I should leave him and so it became very difficult. I had IC but we spent the time talking about my WH’s problems not me so I stopped.

Triggering on dates is normal. Painful but normal. Our first post-d-day anniversary was 9 months after d-day.

W wanted to celebrate; I didn't. I told her that if she planned a date and invited me, I might accept. She did the planning; I liked her plan; I accepted; we had a great time.

But I didn't feel like celebrating our anniversary until the 4th, 45 months out.

Did your H do any IC?

My own position is pretty literal on this: When I say that the affair killed the old marriage I mean it, not metaphorically. In that case, honoring anniversary dates for a dead marriage is pointless, and I haven't done so. Just my own take.

We R 2 days later. He was completely open about everything although it was terribly painful. We had MC.

Ok, so have you told you WH that you are feeling down? Have you told him why? What has he done to apologize again and give you reassurances?

I say this, because I strongly suspect on such a short R timeline with MC you are just neck deep in blameshifting and rugsweeping.

Like, "You worked through it and now it's over, why are you bringing it up again!? This is your anxiety that you have to deal with." Or some bullshit like that.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:56 PM, June 25th (Friday)]

No, he hasn’t done any IC. He says he needs to sometimes, when he has problems but then when things seem to go well, he forgets about it. I think he is scared of what it will bring up.

I did tell him that I was struggling with him spending the night away and he is on his way home. I know I will feel better once he is here.

It is a big thing for him to give up his job which he loves and where he is loved. He is really struggling to leave and come to work somewhere new. So I find it hard to put more pressure on him to say that I am finding it hard too. I am hoping that we can reassess things in a few months after he is settled at the new job.

Did we R too early? I don’t know. I didn’t know anything about SI or 180. Our marriage had been in a terrible state before and we had not done anything to try again. It felt like we were starting again completely with a new, honest relationship.

What you need to remember is that he will be finding this time difficult too. He’s moved jobs to be closer to you? Perhaps if this does not signal his intentions and does not satisfy your concerns, you should be thinking about moving on from him. Perhaps you are too scared to make the move and are waiting for someone on here to justify things.

I’m with Thumos on this one. I do not honour any anniversary dates from our 40 year old marriage. I do want to celebrate our ‘new marriage’ either. We are into our three year reconciliation.

These are my feelings. My husband knows this. We are ok with it.

You're in the right place for support. People here have experienced what you have and understand how you feel. Friends are an important part of your support system but but usually they haven't experienced what you're going through. They're talking about what they think they would do. Everyone thinks they know what they would do until they're actually living it.

While it's good to be conscious of the challenges that he's having from switching jobs, do not let it dissuade you from asking for what you need to feel safe and happy in your relationship.

Ten months is not a long time for a trauma of this magnitude. If you look at the scope of experience here you'll see that it's perfectly normal to still be having these feelings even if you're both working on things intensely.

I'm back here years later because after ten months I was tired of fighting for what I needed and swept everything under the rug. It doesn't stay there forever.

I celebrate our anniversary because I'm happy that we're still together. I'm still glad I married her. If I weren't, I wouldn't be with her.

I don't celebrate it in the naive, romantic fashion that I once did. It was not the consecration of some mystical "true love" that would endure forever. It was a thing that happened that I'm happy for, like a birthday.

I agree that things shouldn’t be swept under the rug. But as the betrayed partner, I know that repeatedly bringing things up doesn’t help move things along. You need to be more positive about all the changes that have been made. Things will get easier. Otherwise you will be consumed by it and so will he and he will wonder if he made the right decision.

But as the betrayed partner, I know that repeatedly bringing things up doesn’t help move things along.

Actually, both Shirley Glass and Peggy Vaughan argue that the more the couple talk about the A, the better the results are. See NOT "Just Friends" and Help for Therapists (and Their Clients) (Available for no-cost download from Vaughan's website).

I don't talk about my W's A very much, but I'm 10 years out. At 10 months out, I was talking about it a lot - and my W had to talk with me about her A if she wanted to R. (Obviously she did.)

*****

BTW, Eje,

I was a wreck in the run-up to our first 'antiversary'. I was triggered the whole 4.5 months. I was a wreck the 2nd year, too, but somewhat less triggered.

My point is: you won't always feel as bad as you do now. Whether your D succeeds or not, you will be able to find joy again.

Also it’s interesting to note that your sister and friend have said that they think you should leave him. Did they not think much of him beforehand? Maybe they never shared their dislike of him with you previously. Friends and family generally are good judges on our behalves - perhaps you should rethink the plan for reconciliation. I sense you are doing it because you think it is what is expected of you. But you don’t sound particularly fond of him and I wonder if there is someone better out there for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We are here for you anytime you want to talk. I wouldn't give up on IC yet, maybe find one that comes highly recommended by several people. You deserve to have someone pay attention to help you with yourself. I do hope that things are better soon. Just know that you are doing well just to be here!