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It’s an uncharacteristically good sign to get a pretty thorough timeline this early on. Of course even that has to be suspect but it being 15 years ago that she didn’t pull out the easy ‘I literally don’t remember anything’ excuse is a positive.

It’s an uncharacteristically good sign to get a pretty thorough timeline this early on. Of course even that has to be suspect but it being 15 years ago that she didn’t pull out the easy ‘I literally don’t remember anything’ excuse is a positive.

The thing is when you are on cocaine your brain goes into overdrive and all senses work overtime, everything registers more vivid. This creates strong memories. I know because I have also used it a few times in the past as a party drug, not as a lifestyle.

She also has told me that while writing it down it felt like cleansing and when she was done she felt she did it more for herself than for me.

We are both currently reading books and I speak with Pam who helps me alot. (She is also a therapist by trade) But we talk like friends. My WW knows I talk to Pam. At first she was very opposed to it, afraid of me bonding with Pam (Pam and me were always close before, not romantically but like buddies) but now she sees that it helps me and I am very open with her about what we discuss.

This might seem like me conforming to her needs but I am in control. I did not break contact with Pam when she asked me. I share things with her because I want to share it. She knows she is powerless now in this. I told her to not criticize my means of dealing with the mess she herself made.

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 7:18 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

It's good that she's prepared a detailed timeline, but she still needs to be polygraph tested.

The threesome she and Pam had with the random guy ? she confessed to have lied on that, it never happened. She made this up during dday 1 to cover for her real affair. So Pam was right.

This still looks suspicious to me. Because even after she admitted that her A had been going on all summer and they had unprotected sex, she was still holding on to this claim. So there was no real A left to cover, why didn't she say it was a lie then?

Could it be that Pam asked her to keep it a secret?

Don't you overestimate the impact of drug use on her A?

They didn't have an A/sex because they used drugs, they may just used drugs during sex. So they knew what they were doing.

At first she was very opposed to it, afraid of me bonding with Pam (Pam and me were always close before, not romantically but like buddies)

This jealousy of the WSs' is also weird; "If anyone in this family is going to fuck with others, it's me."

The timeline, though tough to read, is a positive. I also recommend a polygraph to back this up, but only if YOU feel that it will be of benefit. If you don't believe in their validity, or if for other reasons you are confident that you have the truth, now, to work with, then the necessity of this diminishes greatly.

No matter what, you have a lot to process. For the sake of discussion, let's say that you now have the entire truth. Let's also say that after your circle of friends broke up, she became a model wife, and you had no worries about old behaviors reappearing. To me, and to many others, it is coping with having our agency taken away from us that is difficult to overcome. Never mind the deep betrayal of an affair(s); the fact that we were lied to with the intention of NEVER telling us for years on end is one of the cruelest acts one can perform on someone who they supposedly care for deeply. And this is done for no other reason than to protect themselves. Never be fooled into the argument of not being told to 'protect' you; our partner did the exact opposite the moment they let inappropriate behaviors manifest.

We are supposed to protect our relationship; not unilaterally expand on it at our partner's expense.

I also agree strongly with this:

Don't you overestimate the impact of drug use on her A?

They didn't have an A/sex because they used drugs, they may just used drugs during sex. So they knew what they were doing.

Lifestyle or not, those decisions to betray were calculated. The drugs merely added to the excitement. And, I don't care if your wife was scrambling to protect herself or not, accusing Pam of something she didn't do simply to throw you off her scent is a ROTTEN thing to do. And that is coming from your 15+ year 'good' wife.

See how fast that she went to horrible choices to protect herself? Those are properties that make a partner unsafe.

D

on't you overestimate the impact of drug use on her A?

They didn't have an A/sex because they used drugs, they may just used drugs during sex. So they knew what they were doing.

No, I made her very clear from the beginning of the disclosure that she can not use that excuse. The will to cheat is there and the drugs only lower the barrier. She knows and confirmed this to me.

Also she said that they often used during sex, not before.

I think it is good TLP that she gave you a pretty detailed timeline this early on.

I like others have said would still use a poly to verify timeline and also get answers to any concerns she may not have answered in her timeline. I know you have a long road ahead. Take of care of yourself as you process and address this. Best of luck!!

Funny thing came to mind just yet and makes sense now. I ran in to Ahole 1 year ago...we live about 1000 miles from eachother now but I had to be in our old hometown workrelated. I was grocery shopping with my daughter at the time and we bumped more or less into him. We spoke of how we all were doing recently etc. like when you catch up old friends. My daughter told me while we walked away that he seemed very nervous and I noticed it too....makes sense now in retrospect...

Red flag in disguise

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 9:59 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

Also I would like to thank all you people to take the time and listen to another shit story...

I am sure you know how much this means to me right now.

This still looks suspicious to me. Because even after she admitted that her A had been going on all summer and they had unprotected sex, she was still holding on to this claim. So there was no real A left to cover, why didn't she say it was a lie then?

Could it be that Pam asked her to keep it a secret?

I am positive it did not happen because my WW told me in het timeline exactly why she held on to this claim, first to hide the actual affair, afterwards she did not want to admit she lied about this. Also I know Pam, and I know Pam has done some crazy shit in her life sexually. She owned it all and spoke with me about these things. She would have told me if it ever happened. She told me also she never mentioned the affair to me because she thought I already knew... and she didn't want to bring up a sensitive thing and hurt our relationship. She was waiting for me to bring it up... 15 years ago. Well I did bring it up, but it was last week....

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 10:25 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

So just to be clear she was lying about fooling around with Pam as well? Or just the threesome?

You should consider telling Ahole’s ex wife. She’s probably been wondering what the hell was going on that summer for a long time.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 2:53 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

So just to be clear she was lying about fooling around with Pam as well? Or just the threesome?

You should consider telling Ahole’s ex wife. She’s probably been wondering what the hell was going on that summer

My WW confirmed in her story that they made out two times on parties. I have to confirm this with Pam but I reckon it happened, knowing Pam. I am ok with this, I knew my WW had bisexual feelings and I accepted this, she would have to tell me though if she was to do something with someone which she obviously didn't.

Regarding Ahole's wife, I am planning to contact her and ask if she knew what was going on. According to Pam she could have known. Maybe their divorce was due to this. Me and my WW ran into her a few times and she spoke normally to my WW so maybe she didn't know anything. I'll contact her when I can.

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 8:25 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

You should be expecting some accountability from Pam as well. She made out with your wife without making sure you knew about it and were ok with it. She knew about the affair but she trusted a cheater to come clean about it. She’s either a friend of both you and your marriage or she’s not.

Did you ask your WW about ALL her Infidelities since you got married?

You should be expecting some accountability from Pam as well. She made out with your wife without making sure you knew about it and were ok with it. She knew about the affair but she trusted a cheater to come clean about it. She’s either a friend of both you and your marriage or she’s not.

I have spoken long with Pam about this and I understand her handling of this. She has made apologies to me and we are good. There was never any bad intent towards me from her side.

Also the 2 times kissing was a few years before the affair. It was in public in a club during a rave and never meant to be hidden from me. Just the heat of the moment. I never saw it happen though. Pam thought I saw it and that I knew about it.

Did you ask your WW about ALL her Infidelities since you got married?

Yes , she has replied nothing has happened before or after the affair.

This question is also on my polygraph list

Now that I have read her story a few times, trying to pick up all details and descriptions I have made a list with remarks and questions.

There are some parts that are a bit blury and some things might be sugarcoated a bit. We will speak about her story this wednessday and I will read through it with her. I will ask my questions in a formal manner and see how she responds.

My questions are concerning minor details, these details do not change the story if different.

It is just for my reconstruction.

I feel that I am handling the situation now without emotion, I can switch off my feelings and look at it rationaly. On the other hand I still cry sometimes for no reason but it gets better.

I am eating healthy, taken food supplements, channel my anxiety doing sports. Working on myself.

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 10:41 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

And how is your WW treating you? is there empathy and compassion. Does she not express frustration that you can’t get over it?

Will you request that you each do individual therapy, her with an infidelity specialist and you with a trauma specialist?

There are some parts that are a bit blury and some things might be sugarcoated a bit.

Any lies of omission or minimization should be taken for just that: lies.

Hi OP, sorry for the bad memories.

Do you have a brother or a good friend (man) you can talk to about this?

Maybe you should plan for a week's vacation on your own (hiking, fishing, travelling) to get away from your wife and think about what this means to you. And how you feel about your wife.

If you're going to reconcile, I recommend you find/learn a way to forgive your wife. It's hard man, but letting things just fester away is worse.

You did well confronting your wife and convincing her to write out a timeline. Wow after all that time, good for you uncovering all that you have.

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 7:21 AM, July 16th (Friday)]