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I (M51) just had three ddays within the last few months and it hurts like hell.

Sorry, english is not my first language and also emotions running wild...

First Dday was last April, after having dreams of my wife (50) cheating I asked her, while we were laying in bed, if she had ever been unfaithfull to me. She denied and assured me that she never had strayed. I was not fully convinced though.I remembered red flags in our circle of friends from 15 years ago which at the time I brushed away believing my wife would not do such a thing to me.

A few days later I confronted her again and told her that I knew something was off at the time. I said that I was in contact with one of our old friends, lets call her Pam (F) and would talk to her as well ( I had not at this time). This broke her and sobbing she told me she and Pam had a one time threesome with another random guy. She told me she was infatuated with Pam and just went along as a fluffer, she had no PIV sex. She also did confess she and Pam fooled around a few times.

All this while using drugs and alcohol.

Our circle of friends disbanded after a few years and when it did the substance abuse stopped. My WW has never drank or used anything after that period. This I know as a fact.

We talked a lot about it and still my spidey sense gut told me there was more. I got the trickle truth treatment.

She asked me if I could please stop bringing up past ghosts. It hurt her to much. She was a different person at the time, yada yada yada.

Last week I sat her down and asked her again if there was more she should tell me. I told her this was her last chance to come clean. She looked down and told me that she also had sex 4 times with one of our other friends (M), lets call him Ahole, during the same period. At the time Ahole was going through divorce and my WW was around him a lot. She said that all 4 times she initiated it.

She told me that she did it just to see if she could, she was not in love with him but there was an attraction. She liked the excitement and it validated her.

I asked her if they had safe sex and she told me they did. I asked her to graphicaly describe each meet up and she did. I also called her bullshit on the safe sex part and she confessed that they actually did not use protection. At this point I had enough, I took of my ring and told her I wanted a divorce. Afterwards we talked a lot and I told her I would try and reconcille. Rollercoaster of feelings during this week.

Then today... this morning I made contact with Pam. We spoke for more than one hour on the phone. It raised more questions, she did not remember the threesome with the random dude...she made clear that she would come clean if this was the case but she was very convincing that it did not happen. Also she told me that my WW informed her after her straying with Ahole 15 years ago that she and I talked about it and that I forgave her?? This never happened. I confronted her this afternoon and choo choo, all aboard the trickle truth express... the 4 times turned out to be an affair lasting one summer. She can not remeber how many times they did have sex.

They had hotel meet ups, everything. Also the threesome did happen according to her, and she said Pam is lying. I told her that I could not believe anything she said anymore. I asked her to draw up a timeline with all details, she has one week to deliver. I am prepared for more revelations. I will update when I have the info.

Sorry if this turned into a rant but I am really in a dark place right now, she left to be with family and I am here alone.

She is an emotional wreck right now as am I.

I do want to try to reconcille but I can not see how at the moment.

Really could use some advice.

Google polygraphs in your area and ask her to take one after she gives you the timeline. It's possible that Pam doesn't remember because drugs and alcohol were involved. It's possible that your wife is misremembering and it was someone other than Pam. It's possible that your wife is lying and slept with this guy without Pam involved. It doesn't really matter with regards to a polygraph because it only tests that the subject believes that they are telling the truth so as long as she answers honestly what she thinks happened on the timeline, she will pass.

First of all breathe.

Your wife has known about this for 15 years. She knew this day might happen and she already lied to you multiple times.

It is all new to you. Don't agree to anything or make any firm decisions, if your WW pressures you to forgive and forget, just say that you need time to figure things out.

Pam may or may not be lying, but your wife is.

PS "went along as a fluffer" wow, like that makes a difference.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:43 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

So sorry @TheLastPak

I am sorry that this has come out now after 15 years I know you probably feel that the last 15 years have been one big lie. I'm sorry but this is probably just the tip of the iceberg you have been given good info about the poly especially with the number of years since this has occurred as well as her continued lying even after you knew and confronted. Also, it will help you decide if she has cheated before this and after this period.

Did you ask Pam about her and your wife being intimate as your wife had said? I would highly suspect that there may have been more in the circle of friends than just what you've been told. Best of luck!

Do you have children? Have you contacted a lawyer?

Do not touch her...

TheLastPak, this might have been 15 years ago for your wife, time she had to process the betrayal, but this is as fresh to you as if she just slept with this guy/guys yesterday.

You don't have to decide on [R]econciliation or [D]ivorce right now, but please go see a lawyer or 3 in order to familiarize yourself with your legal standing and position in case of a divorce. If you live somewhere where you can relatively easily stop divorce proceedings, you might as-well file now and have her served. She has betrayed you and if she proves she is worth keeping, you can stop the proceedings, if not, why waste time in limbo?

STD - Test, well it's been 15 years, most STDs would have shown up a long time ago, however, there is no guarantee that something did not slip by their unprotected trysts and is lying dormant and in wait. It's better to be safe than sorry. It might be a good idea to have yourself tested and insist your wife be tested as well. This will drive home to her that you take the betrayal seriously.

Kids - You didn't mention any kids, but if you have kids with her, you might consider a DNA test for paternity. Your wife has shown you that she is an excellent liar who can keep her deceit hidden for 15 years. Who know what else she is lying about, perhaps the paternity of your kids (if applicable).

Finances - It might be prudent to separate your finances at this point. If you have joint accounts, withdraw half the funds from them and place that into an account only you have access to. Your wife might just decide that she can not live with you now that you know her and be motivated to show you a side of her she has up until now hidden from you successfully. In this, she might just empty your accounts and leave. I know it sounds far-fetched, but it is always better to be safe than sorry.

You - You find yourself heartbroken, in shock and feeling emasculated. Do the basics. Eat right, hydrate and exercise. It might sound silly to be reminded to do these things, but it is important for your wellbeing and you will need all your strength in the coming months. Also please avoid alcohol.

[V]oice [A]ctivated [R]ecorder - Please use a VAR or other means of recording when you are interacting with your [W]ayward [W]ife. Things can turn ugly on a dime and it is a good thing to have a record of what is being said to keep both parties honest and have records for legal purposes. It also protects you from false [D]omestic [V]iolence charges being filed against you, which is a scarily common thing to happen these days.

If you live in a one party consent state or country as far as recording conversations are concerned, perhaps it is best not to inform her that you are recording your interactions with her.

There is much more the good people around here will tell you, but we all wish you only the best and will advise to the best of our abilities.

This is a painful and long journey your wife has forced you onto, but healing does happen eventually.

One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just make sure these steps carry you in the direction you need to go.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 2:29 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

Hi TheLastPak,

So sorry you're in this too.
Sometimes it only takes our gut feeling to be able to force out 'some truth'. Your wife pretty much hid her 'lifestyle' to you all throughout these years. She lived a double life for sometime, that's pretty sure.

It's hard to take that these extramarital activities involved common friends too. It's understandable that Pam will deny everything. She's married, correct? Probably protecting herself from her husband.

You are correct that there's no reason for you to believe your wife. She lied to your face for 15 years, probably more. The summer affair might have lasted 2-3 summers, you never know or might still be going right now. She hid it well.

Take the time to process things for now. Stay away from your WW for the time being.

Good luck!

A serial cheating drug abuser with multiple partners and threesomes, most of it initiated by her.

That's what you're dealing with here.

She thought "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" did what she wanted, liked it, lusted after it, and didn't think about you very much at all.

That's also what you're dealing with here.

It's who she is.

That's hard to look at, because it's ugly.

But it's who she is.

TLP - Do you have kids with your wife? If so, were any of them born at the time 15/14 yrs ago. That some times comes up, sorry man, better check that heritage rather than be fooled forever.

Look around the forum and you'll see there are others on here with a similar story as yours. Finding out years later. Its no less hurtful, and your Dday is really when you find out, not when the act happens. YOu get to decide what you want now.

Sorry for you are here.

Last week I sat her down and asked her again if there was more she should tell me. I told her this was her last chance to come clean.

Well she lied but you gave her another chances and you still suspect there is more. I showed this as an example. Don't show such indecision. Although she has crossed the line you have drawn, you are drawing a new line, that is, you are giving the message that there is no line. That way you won't get the result you want. She won't take your demands seriously, mind hiding something, she will think she can lie as long as she can. So you shouldn't bluff and stick to what you say.

You should definitely get her a polygraph test. Ask her for a detailed timeline of her affaires as the subject of the polygraph test. So you can ask not only about her affaires at that time, but also if there were others before and after.

Welcome to SI. I recommend browsing through the various fora and the healing Library (link is in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages.

As bad as you feel now, know that you can heal, survive, and thrive. It takes some work, but you can do what you need to do.

I second the comment that you don't have to decide what to do now. Your D/R decision will affect decades of your life - you're better off making the best decision for you, and it may take time to figure out what that is.

Forget your preconceptions. No one can predict how this will hit them, and many of us find ourselves not doing what we said we'd do if betrayed. And forget what friends and family tell you to do. They are not living your life; they may have your best interests at heart, but they aren't you, and they have no way of knowing what your best interests are.

One aspect of finding out about an A 15 years after the fact is that you've got those 15 years as a benchmark. How has your M been? Is your W someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life? If you've been happy, R is likely to be eminently possible - if she stops the lies.

Here's some reading I recommend:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

serjr threads for newbies:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 -

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

The Simplified 180:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

Some more info, we have one child, 25 yrs old now. It is mine, because of some very specific hereditary characteristics in my family I know it is 100% mine. No testing needed. STDs I will check but I do not expect anything from it as it was a long time ago, Lawyer I have to check as we live now abroad as expats and I dont know how this country deals with it, or does the law apply from our home country where we got married ? Polygraph I checked and is available here. When she gives me the timeline I will tell here that she will be asked about it during a polygraph test. Lets see how this turns out.

There's also the fact that she had her fun, buried it down deep and then privileged her own wants and desires over yours by keeping you locked in an additional 15 year monogamous commitment to her, a woman who engaged in sex with multiple partners and threesomes, all while you remained faithful.

She willfully exposed you to other people's genitalia and to the risk of life threatening STDs and STIs.

She literally risked your life.

She denied you agency and autonomy.

She let you think you were in a faithful monogamous lifelong commitment. Gaslighting.

She denied you being able to make fully informed choices about your life.

She robbed a decade and a half of free will from you.

By implication, acts of adultery create a void in a marriage, an intimacy gap in the marriage. The last 15 years have been a lesser marriage even while you didn't consciously know it. There's no way it was a better marriage because of what she did. That's part of the reason you had the dream. Your mind puzzled over the pain of this void and finally spit out a solution to the puzzle. She robbed you of a marriage that could have been intimate and whole and instead gave you a pale imitation of one.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:05 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

It is worth telling your WW that even that it was 15 years ago, but to you as you have just found out now it feels like it just happened.

Legal and medical advice is a must ASAP.

Booze and recreational drugs are of an excuse for her past behaviour. Ask her why you should believe anything she say after 15 years of lies?

One day at a time.

Small update, WW has left our house to write the timeline and any other info.

She apologised for not remembering exact dates etc. which is understandable. I just asked her to label it encounter 1, 2 etc. and to not leave out any details. She is still working on it , tomorrow afternoon I will pick it up. She has warned me several times to be prepared as it is much worse than her previous trickle truths. She is disgusted with herself and has severe self image issues. The writing of the timeline took her back to a bad place. I am still living on adrenaline rushes and anxiety. Trying to eat when I can and stay clear of booze. Smoking a bowl helps me but I know it is controversial. It works for me. Scared for tomorrows revelations.

[This message edited by TheLastPak at 5:28 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

Small update, WW has left our house to write the timeline and any other info.

She apologised for not remembering exact dates etc. which is understandable. I just asked her to label it encounter 1, 2 etc. and to not leave out any details.

You're being too understanding in my opinion. If there was ever a time to be a hardcase this is it. Cheaters will take any inch you give and turn it into 100 miles.

She is still working on it , tomorrow afternoon I will pick it up. She has warned me several times to be prepared as it is much worse than her previous trickle truths.

Not only is it worse than the prior trickle-truths, it is worse than what she will admit in her timeline.

She is disgusted with herself and has severe self image issues. The writing of the timeline took her back to a bad place.

That is her self-serving wallowing in self-pity. She was more than cool with letting you be in the dark.

What you really need to know in addition to the betrayal she has admitted to is what else she has kept dark since then.

Cheaters and liars, cheat and lie. They very rarely turn over a new leaf on their own. Maybe she hasn't been with other men since then (Or maybe she has), but almost certainly she has maintained some level of secretive and disrespectful behavior.

If you can’t tolerate solid food get some protein or meal replacement shakes. Don’t forget to hydrate.

15 years ago it seems like you were not so aggressive with this issue though you were suspicious. Were you not very active with the "circle of friends", did not you confront WW about going out with them and using drugs etc? May be you were busy with other things like the job and helping kids

15 years ago it seems like you were not so aggressive with this issue though you were suspicious. Were you not very active with the "circle of friends", did not you confront WW about going out with them and using drugs etc? May be you were busy with other things like the job and helping kids

My WW was healing from depression and other issues. I was just glad she seemed to veer up from it all. I did not know about her using drugs when it started. I found out about the drug use shortly after her affair ended. I did not know anything about the affair at the time. And yes I was working hard. Also international for longer periods.

Yesterday she told me she had finished writing her story/timeline. She prepared me it would be brutal. She left out no details she told me and was afraid this would change my view of her. I told her that that had already changed. She said that in hindsight she has no clue how she could let things go so far. I asked her how far and she said just read it. She told me she hated herself for it and could not stand her look in the mirror. This set me off on a anxity trip I never had before.I picked up her story/timeline. I spoke to her briefly face to face, she is a total mess. I have never seen her like that. I told her that I would read it alone in our home but that I was worried to find out what she had done. I explained her that when I got home I would call her and then ask her the worst thing she had done in one sentence. This so I could first grasp it and let it sink in before reading the details. Also I was afraid while reading the pages that the most shocking thing was yet to come. This way I would be prepared. Trying to help myself.

I drove home and was both anxious and at peace at the same time, very strange emotion.

When I got home I called her and asked her to tell me in a nutshell what she had done and what was the worst thing she did to me. She told me she had a summerlong secret affair with my friend , who is also a neighbour and they had sex several times. I felt kind of relieved in a way that I was expecting more unbridled and promiscuous things like gangbangs etc. Do not get me wrong it is still serious, it was not a ONS, but people on drugs do strange things.

I read the 17 pages several times and she really described how it started and ended. Of course the dates she could not remember but there had been 9 times they had sex. She described how she felt during it all, graphic details of the deeds etc. I let it settle in for a while and called her that I had read it. I told her that it was hurting and that I would need time to process it. There where some though parts on where they had sex. First time was in our marital bed. Very hard to read. and also they had hooked up once in a hotel and several times at night at the beach. All encounters were initiated by her, she had the power. He just reluctantly complied and was very affraid he would get caught. By the way this happened all when he was still with his own wife. So she could have also been a homewrecker because shortly after this they divorced. The threesome she and Pam had with the random guy ? she confessed to have lied on that, it never happened. She made this up during dday 1 to cover for her real affair. So Pam was right.

I am currently making a list of questions that she has to answer. My main point of grief is that the woman I read about is some stranger to me. I know my wife, or at least I thought I knew her. But this side of her is new to me. I know it was all drugs induced but still. And why would she not do all this exciting hotel,late night beach stuff with me? It puzzles me.

Anyway I still have to read it a few times and write down questions and find answers.

Some of you might wonder why I need so much detail. I need to reconstruct this affair in my head so I can see it for what it is. I need to be able to grasp it and rotate it and look at it from all sides. Only then can I give it a place in my head and deal with it. Like when a plane crashed and the investigators reconstruct the plane with all the pieces they found. Some pieces will be for always missing but you can still see it was an airplane.

Stay strong brothers and sisters