SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well y'all...I MADE IT !! Today is my 7th antiversary. I could NEVER have imagined that I would be looking forward to this day...yet here I am...all giddy and stuff !!

Y'all can read about my original Dday for some background on it in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread...on page 13 . Skan starts off that page with a positive story of her own...may she Rest In Peace .

THIS A season was very unexpected for me because it didn't have the pain that the previous A seasons had . That was a very NICE surprise! There were a few things that happened this year that may have contributed. First...Covid shut down so MUCH last year...and it felt GOOD to get back to some sense of normalcy this year . My Dad passed away...which gave LIFE a nuanced meaning. A good friend of mine passed away as well...and he and his wife were married about the same time as when my 1st Dday hit. Seeing her GRIEF at the funeral...knowing her husband is gone from this Earth...it made me even more grateful that my husband is still here.

I don't know which event made more significance. It was probably a little of ALL of the events that happened leading up to and during my A season that may have been significant. I won't underestimate the path I have taken toward MY healing as well. I FOUGHT...for ME...and I've WON . I have had some GREAT friends and family on this site who have continued to show their support and LOVE through MY journey OUT of infidelity...and I THANK each and every one of YOU for being here for me . Last...but certainly not least...my FAITH has returned and God has been so GOOD to US !!! Whatever it was...THIS A season was...well...not that big of a deal...and that says a LOT !!!

By the time my 1st antiversary rolled around...my H and I had constructed a pretty decent timeline...so EACH DAY of those 68 days of his A from the previous year...I pored over the information we had. I relived what HE was doing as well as what I was...and the feelings were so overwhelming .

The 2nd antiversary...you can read all about it on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread .

The 3rd antiversary was a turning point in my HEALING . By this time I was fairly convinced that we were going to stay together...and that I was going to have the loving and faithful spouse that I wanted in order to be in this happy and healthy M . Those words in italics...I came up with that as a PLAN for MY life not too long after Dday. I told my H what my PLAN was...and said that IF he wanted it too...GREAT. If he didn't...I would find someone who WOULD!! My H agreed wholeheartedly with this PLAN...and we started working on it TOGETHER .

By my 3rd antiversary...I knew that reliving those 68 days over and over in my head was only going to create a rut in my neuropathways that I didn't need to have. I KNEW what happened...it was in the PAST...and I was ready to move FORWARD again to live out my fairytale M and have my "happily ever after" . NO...it isn't rugsweeping...it is moving on .

Sometime around or after the 3rd antiversary...I found out about the Google timeline from a post someone did on here. MOST of our original timeline was spot on...but some of the dates...like when he first went to her house...were off. My H could remember what THEY did...he just couldn't remember what particular day they did these things. We tweaked our timeline to reflect what the Google timeline showed...and I was able to get more of the pieces to FIT in that affair puzzle.

So...as a present to ME...I forced myself to NOT look at the calendars...timeline...emails...etc...that I had all the information on during my 4th A season. It didn't work out that well though . I would panic at a certain date during A season...wondering what REALLY happened...and I just HAD to look . Once I saw what happened on a particular date...it calmed me down...but then it made me sad because I felt I had let myself down .

On my 5th A season...I didn't force anything . If I felt the NEED to look...I looked. Somehow...THIS helped me to NOT look . My 6th A season...Covid...I don't need to say any more because we ALL know what THAT was like.

Now we come to THIS A season . I actually LOOKED at the calendars and the timeline...but not with emotion...it was more like a detective looking at a cold case...out of curiosity. Because my H was working overseas during his A...I have finite times with time stamped restaurant and event receipts. I have a LOT of trivial information such as gas receipts...ATM receipts...phone store receipts...that are all time stamped...so I can practically tell how long THEY were together.

Believe it or not...I SAW things that happened...that were there all the time...but the emotions got in the way of doing a clinical analysis so to speak. They didn't amount to much in the grand scheme of things...but I could glean stuff to show the reason for WHY certain things happened. It was sort of FUN to put more pieces together. YES...I said that right...FUN .

I didn't KNOW what my reality actually was during my H's A. By putting this stuff together...I could tell that THEY didn't know what THEIR reality actually was either . My H and his adultery co-conspirator each had their own perspective of WHAT this affair was...and it did NOT align with the other's perspective. They USED each other...and ended up causing FAR worse things to happen to THEM than they ever did to ME . I am a pretty decent person who came out WAY BETTER than either of THEM did. YES...I am decent...even if I was cussing like a sailor when I first got on here !!

I've healed . Those first years though...DANG!!! Besides the constant cussing...I remember the warts on my hands...EIGHTEEN of them...just popping up all over the place . They are all gone now . My teeth were breaking too...THAT was surprising! My dentist asked if I was under stress...because sometimes people grind their teeth at night if they are stressed. AHA!! After I told my H what the dentist said...he told me that sometimes I was waking him up at night because I was grinding my teeth so LOUD !! It has now been several years that I have had that happen though . The "zoning out" has ended too...woohoo!!! My poor family had no idea what was going on when I was in this phase. I bet it was scary! I saw that video of Beyonce at a basketball game once...with JayZ. The reason I saw it was because people were making fun of it...saying that her body must have been inhabited by aliens because of her blank stare and the rocking back and forth that she did. When I saw that video though...I KNEW WHY she was doing that . Worst of all for me was the shaking . Oh gosh...my body would just start shaking and I could NOT control it! I couldn't understand what was happening...and feared that it was causing some kind of reaction to my central nervous system that was going to be permanent .

I knew I HAD to find a way to get control of all of this...for my HEALTH. I just didn't know HOW . Thank God I am a curious person by nature . My reaction to my H's confession on Dday...when I told him the M was over...with NO emotion whatsoever...that intrigued me. It was like my body took over and just REACTED. I am still proud to this day of how I reacted . That POPPED that affair fantasy bubble he was in so FAST!!! A WS wrote in the Wayward Forum about "limbic lag". When I looked that up...it became so CLEAR to me about WHY I reacted the way I did...because of the experience I had gone through with my 1st H...almost 30 years to the DAY earlier!! My "lizard brain" took over...and I was in flight response. I stayed in that response for a while...until my limbic system calmed down .

Another thing going for me...which some of you MIGHT have picked up on from these years I have been on here ...was that I have always had a POSITIVE personality . I KNOW my WORTH . I also KNOW that being POSITIVE has helped me maneuver through many of MY life's troubles. But THIS experience...I have to say...it destroyed me . Only...it didn't . I was still there...under ALL that CRAP...and I made it OUT of that HELL...into the LIGHT...and it FEELS...SOOOOOOO...GOOD!!! THANK YOU GOD !!!

My H and I are CELEBRATING our Mv2.0 tonight...just like we have since our 2nd antiversary...the one you can read about on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the TOP of this Forum . I gave him another chance to RISE to MY expectations of him...and he has far surpassed every expectation I had . Like Joseph in the Bible...what was meant to DESTROY me...God took it and made GOOD come out of it . I truly have the BEST M I've ever had...an M I always dreamed of...with a H who is so IN LOVE with me that he can't even fathom that he was ever THAT person he was before. He has helped ME heal...and I have helped HIM too . He WAS broken...I was just bent . We stand much straighter now...and we are doing it TOGETHER!! Like my tagline says...we were two IMPERFECT people...who have...TOGETHER...made this PERFECT marriage! I am LIVING PROOF that not only CAN you survive infidelity...you can THRIVE despite it !!! THANK YOU GOD...because with HIM...ALL things are possible !!!

Seven years and moving on, stronger than ever I see W2BHA.

I don’t know that I echo the ‘fun’ you had putting together the reality all of us are denied during an A — but I also felt like a detective, putting all of the pieces I could back into the puzzle and restore the reality that I felt like was time stolen away from me.

But anytime we can have fun during the healing process, that’s a good thing.

Congrats, heal some more!

What a great inspiring update. I hate that any of us are here, but at the same time I’m glad we all found our way here, after we were hit by infidelity.

You have more to celebrate today, you have helped countless people see success in R. You could have healed and rode off in the sunset (with all your emojis 😀) But you didn’t, you paid it forward and taught me, that once I believed my W wanted to be here, and I believed the timeline, it was time to let go of a lot of the baggage weighing me down. It was time to fight back and “own” those triggers. Stand in the middle of the road and give them the middle finger.

Thank you for your positive influence, and for calling me on my bullshit at times 😬

[This message edited by Tanner at 12:31 PM, July 19th (Monday)]

Oldwounds...my DEAR friend...thanks so much for your words of support and encouragement!! Right back atcha !!!

I don't explain myself well...sorry! Putting together the original timeline was BRUTAL that first year . I never thought much about time-stamped receipts before...but seeing the times on everything really overwhelmed me. Especially since...when I was over there with him...my H HAD to be in bed by 9pm...and was sleeping by 9:30. Since he didn't get off until 6pm...that left US very little time together. Like the dutiful wife I was...I made sure to make those few hours we were able to be together count. Sex was very rare at that point...but I understood how TIRED he was and didn't want it to be an issue for him to feel he HAD to do anything.

When I saw how he routinely was at restaurants and places with the adultery co-conspirator until 10pm or later...then knowing they were going back to his hotel room for sex...which meant he wasn't sleeping until nearly midnight...that HURT . Looking at his Tagged and Craigslist accounts...I saw he KEPT searching for NSA sex with others throughout the A...which made things even worse .

Over the years on here...I came to understand what the Vets have been saying. My H's A was NOT ABOUT ME. This was a symptom of HIS brokenness...and I was collateral damage. I didn't change...my CORE was still intact...I just didn't see it at the time because it all seemed like a personal attack on ME. My HEALING went into super express mode after I understood this !!! My H's healing was transformative too!! NOW...our M is HEALED...and WOW...what FUN we are having AGAIN!! I don't think I have to explain any more of THAT part to you though .

THIS year...7 years later...I saw little things that I didn't notice before. For instance...on the night of their first date...I THOUGHT it was something they had talked about over the phone...PLANNING this night at the adultery co-conspirator's "favorite" restaurant...a sushi restaurant. When we first came up with the timeline...the ONLY date that fit was the day after my birthday. So...to ME...they were doing all of this planning ON my birthday . My H kept trying to assure me that there was nothing PLANNED...but in MY head that didn't make sense. OF COURSE you are going to make a PLAN to meet someone who you are going to potentially have NSA sex with!!!

The Google timeline that I learned about...about 3 years later...showed that they actually had their first date almost a week BEFORE my birthday. My thought process was the same...but it was moved UP...which meant my H was planning on meeting the adultery co-conspirator just a week after I left the Netherlands .

When I looked at the timeline this year...I noticed that my H had actually eaten at OUR favorite sushi restaurant over there THAT DAY . Then...about 3 hours later...he went to meet the adultery co-conspirator at...a sushi restaurant . It FIT . There really was NO plan...just like my H had said. It was all MY mind movie about THEM meeting up at HER favorite restaurant so that he could impress her. It probably wasn't even her favorite restaurant...but she found out he liked sushi...and played it up as her favorite one .

It truly is insignificant in the grand scheme of things...but it helped me to see that MY projection wasn't the reality...and THAT helped ME . I started seeing other subtle things from the new timeline that FIT into the puzzle also and gave me a clearer picture of what the A was really like. It wasn't the Hollywood movie type of A at all that I had pictured. My H kept telling me this...but my thoughts were clouded by what I PROJECTED...until I could see the REALITY right there in front of me.

Tanner...my sweet Coozann...that calling out works both ways Cuz...so THANK YOU for that too !!! YOU would have done just fine without me because you KNOW how to OWN this...but I feel very HONORED that you have allowed me to see your wonderful journey OUT of infidelity . MY way OUT of infidelity may not be for everyone...but if it HELPS others to see THIS path IS a way...then it is worth posting about! Please tell your beautiful wife I said "HI" !!!

I started seeing other subtle things from the new timeline that FIT into the puzzle also and gave me a clearer picture of what the A was really like.

This makes sense — a little clarification goes a long way.

My wife originally held on to some of the ideas that the first part of her LTA had some kind of ‘real’ feelings from both of them. However, after describing what ACTUALLY happened, out loud to me — she realized none of the things she told herself were true either. Not much romance in these things, just two people at their lowest form of behavior.

Not much romance in these things, just two people at their lowest form of behavior.

So TRUE. I have often told my H that I may not know everything that went on with his A...but neither of them did either. They only showed a PART of themselves to each other in order to get what they wanted .

My H opened up to me last night about his thoughts concerning his A. They were sincere and put him in a vulnerable spot. I could have answered him with words that would have been true...but would cut him deep. I didn't . He has suffered enough. It actually made me SMILE to think about how FAR he and I have come in these last 7 years . I am sure YOU know that feeling too !!!