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Lostinlife1 (original poster new member #78864) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
@sisoon thanks for the reply. I suppose time will tell if he has changed. I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting though. I want to go and see the world if this pandemic ever ends. Places that he said he didn't want to go to. Places I couldn't go to because of his financial infidelity. I'm too scared to ask to see his phone because of what I might find. He got to play away to soothe himself and there was me struggling on, remaining loyal. He shattered mine and my daughter's worlds. Why do I feel any obligation towards him?
13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:05 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
Why do I feel any obligation towards him?
Do you feel an obligation towards him or towards your daughter? You mentioned a couple of times that she would be happy if you gave it another shot. If she wasn't in the picture, would you be considering it?
If you do want to consider it because you're interested in seeing where it goes, I agree with the person who said that he doesn't need to live with you to start dating again.
[This message edited by 13YearsR at 4:07 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem
The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.
DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
Quick answer. You need complete control over finances
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
Lostinlife1 (original poster new member #78864) posted at 10:33 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
@13YearsR I feel obligated to both. I can't honestly say that my marriage to him would have lasted if it hadn't been for our daughter but at the same time we had no support with grandparents to allow us to work or be a couple so that made things difficult for us also.
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 1:10 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021
His reasons for cheating were that he felt lonely, that I had no time for him, that he believed that I was going to leave him. He says that it went on for so long because he believed talking to me would not change anything.
So according to him, it's your fault he cheated. Which means he may have spent this separation talking to potential OW. If it's your fault he's lonely then what motivation does he have to not keep doing it while you're separated?
What's best for your daughter is to not be living in a home broken by infidelity. If you can't bring yourself to check his phone or hold him accountable with a polygraph for what he has really been up to, if you already think he probably spent this time chatting up OW, then don't make her life more complicated by bringing him back into it and kicking him back out as soon as you realize he's still exactly who he was when he was cheating. Make no mistake - he is still that man because instead of taking accountability for his actions and fixing himself, he chooses to blame you and blow off IC. If you don't want to be with who he was when he was cheating, don't take him back.
Lostinlife1 (original poster new member #78864) posted at 7:07 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021
@nekonamida he says it's his fault for not speaking to me but, yes, in a sense he is saying it's my fault that he cheated because he says that nothing would have changed if he had spoken to me, meaning that I wouldn't have made him feel more loved and wanted. He knows that this stemmed from the constant let downs and betrayals in others forms to sexual infidelity. I've seen all sorts of explicit photos of his work on the OW. I must be mad to think that I could forgive him for this. Even if he was mentally unstable during it all, even a criminal with a mental disorder has to face the consequences of his actions.
BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 1:28 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021
Hi @Lostinlife1 I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much in your marriage and my heart goes out to you.
I'm always rooting for marriages to be reconciled but I know from my own experience it takes time for trust to be rebuilt, emotions healed and two fully committed people to even begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think you should seriously consider counseling for yourself to help you process how you're feeling and also MC for both of you if you really feel that you H is now at a good place in himself.
Please don't feel the need to rush anything and be gentle with yourself because time will really tell if your H is committed to doing all he can to rebuild the trust that has been broken. I understand how you feel because love doesn't always evaporate even if there has been pain and emotions can change from day to day.
Do take time to do what will bring joy to your heart, travel if you are able to and know that you are worthy of being loved.
I pray the near future brings strength and healing for your emotions, wisdom for the days ahead, true and lasting R for your marriage if this is your desire.
Lostinlife1 (original poster new member #78864) posted at 1:41 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021
@bellalee thank you for such a beautiful reply 
I know that I'm putting pressure on myself to decide so that I'm no longer in limbo or going back and forth from the the road to reconciliation or the road to divorce.
There's too many blanks and as much as what I know is horrifying, the not knowing other things gets to me. I think that's because I can't move on with him with that hanging over me.
Again thanks for your supportive and kind words 
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