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Please share any behaviors especially the ones your spouse used to cheat with their cell phone. I am just wondering if I am missing any signs. Besides locking their phone (which my spouse used to do) but no longer does what did you notice? Was their phone on vibrate? If you did see any strange messages from the other person were they from an unknown number or from a number with no name attached and very brief messages almost like a code to each other? Please share any ways you discovered how they hide the communication with this person.

As mentioned in previous posts my husband for many years has had strange behaviors with his phone. At one point years ago he was locking it. After numerous arguments and accusations from me he no longer locks his phone but they have been some weird messages which he always claims are wrong numbers. I understand that people get text msgs sometimes meant for someone else but Im not sure this is the case. I for example have had my phone for ten plus year and have never received a text msg in error. I just dont think it happens that often. Lastly did your spouse also claim alot of wrong numbers?

Over the years I have accused him of cheating with his phone which of course he denies. At time when I have pushed the subject he says nothing was going on. He also says he has no idea why he locked his phone back then. His answers are ridiculous but this is what I get. He is always home when he is supposed to be so I dont think he is seeing anyone now but I still think there is something with his phone. I feel like I am never going to get any answers and he just continues to deny everything but my instincts have always been good and I believe something was going on or may still be I just have no proof.

Ohhhh, when it gets flipped upside down on the table between times he picks it up.

Do you mean flipped upside down between calls? For example after he talks to someone he put the phone face down till the next call? My spouse almost always puts his phone face down even when it is on. It is also his work phone but I notice he turns it off just before bed even though he never gets calls after 5. I have wondered why he turns it off. My phone isnt a work cell but I rarely turn mine off and never put mine face down.

Mine had his OW in his phone under the name (and picture) of a guy from work.

He changed her name from … uh say Christina to Chris… so I’d see a name pop up but it would be from work and it was a dude with a beard, 🤦‍♀️

He would also hide the phone or put it down very quickly when I walked in the room.

But the biggest thing was my gut. My gut knew. My head and heart refused to listen to it.

I mean, put face down so nobody (BS) can see notifications.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:18 AM, July 30th (Friday)]

Looking back - a few things:

* seeming irritated when I asked who he was txting with so intently

* taking work calls outside of work [one thing he hated was when a contractor called him off hours]

* hiding LTAP under a contractor name with same initials

* angling phone away from anyone who was looking

* being on phone during odd hours - middle of night or responding to something during a sit down meal or while watching a movie

* acting irritated if I walked into a room when he was using his phone

* letting repeated calls go to voice mail but looking furious when the phone buzzed

Post DDay a quick look at phone bills told me why.

Now - him on his phone is triggery. If the world lost all cell towers and went back to the old rotary dial on the kitchen wall with a short cord - I'd be OK with that.

Frequent after hours activity, texting but also phone buzzing from getting texts.

Phone never left his side, started charging the thing next to the bed at night or if charged it was placed under his pillow while he slept.

Suddenly texted with screen really close to face to minimise chances of me seeing it.

Names were either a number “wrong call” or under guys names or services, like a local pizza joint for example.

Wasn’t going to write this because it’s TMI but you cannot hide a bulge and it was not normal to suddenly get one after texting “work”

Every time I left the room or his line of sight then returned he was looking at his phone, always.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:55 AM, July 30th (Friday)]

I was a complete idiot. he was on his phone all the time. Like ALL THE TIME. but I didn't even think twice. When the shit finally hit the fan it was apparent he had no earthly idea how to cover his tracks, lots was still on the phone and on the phone bills. He also took his phone EVERYWHERE and I wasn't allowed to even look something up on it.

Apparently he told his girlfriend never to call him, he would initiate contact. This little protection occurred when he got a text while driving with me and I asked him who it was. it was her telling him she loved him and I like a flaming loser believed his lie about a work dude because I didn't look at his phone.

Interestingly enough, he knows now I go on his phone occasionally and is a wee bit sarcastic about it. We are doing catastrophically horrible now because he is completely withdrawn, disconnected, and seeing everything I say and do in a negative light. He left this morning to go see his parents (coming back tomorrow) and I noticed this morning that his message and search history on the phone is wiped. might be nothing, might be everything. Plus he is compulsive about calling me the minute he leaves the house to drive anywhere, it is a joke sometimes, even when he goes to the store I will get 5 or 6 calls in 20 minutes about nothing. He has been driving for 3 1/2 hours so far and no calls. Again, might be nothing...

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 11:43 AM, July 30th (Friday)]

I never had ANY indication from his phone/technology use.
The only hint I had was him being an asshole, and that was only when things with his LTAP went from EA to PA (and even that is questionable in that it requires me to believe my WH over the POSOW). His anger/attitude was situational, so he'd just say it was stress at work or his "community" involvement stuff.

I left the house to do an errand and forgot something. When I came back in the house he quickly hung up the phone. I asked who he was talking to and he said nobody.

He had her name in his phone as a guys name as somebody else mentioned.

The biggest flags for me were that he uncharacteristically did not want to go to a family event a couple of hours away. I also noticed when I would get in his car that the passenger seat where I almost exclusively sat was readjusted. Of course I could never be sure but I had that little nagging voice telling me somebody had been in the car. Turns out I was right.

The face down phone is ALWAYS a biggie. I noticed W on her phone constantly and it went EVERYWHERE with her. Never out of her sight.

Now she will leave it anywhere and every so often it's still flipped down but tbh at this point I don't even think anything of it nor do I care. I've picked up her phone with her sitting right there and there's no reaction so either she's on the up and up (which is really the only scenario) or she doesn't care if I find something (I'd be quite surprised).

There was one instance a while back of a random message popping up as I was leaving for work. This was when we were a few months out of DDay and I lost it and lit her up . Sorry, but nobody should be messaging someone else's spouse at 3:00 a.m. unless it's to report a death.

Please share any behaviors especially the ones your spouse used to cheat with their cell phone

This turned into a bit of an essay.

Preface: my WW was a professional serial cheater employing the best standards and practices from the Wayward Guide Book. I can perhaps shed light on some tactics my wayward employed to deceive me.

- Cell Phone was ALMOST clean. She deleted some of primary AP's texts to keep the timeline looking like friends. No other AP's were on phone as they were confined to the burner phone. I did notice primary AP on phone when she asked me to do something technical on the phone, but if I casually looked at texts they were normal friendship with very little contact. If I'd checked against phone records I'd have seen the deleted texts, but only very short phone calls.

- She kept her cell close, but due to the protocols she had in place (she reached out to AP first, unless AP would say something innocuous to begin conversation to check her status.) She limited the bulk of her affair texting to when she was out of house. She limited ALL calls to APs to outside of house. And phone would be left around for activities like showering, so not suspicious. Again, expert protocols.

- Wayward used a burner phone, kept almost exclusively outside house or temporarily hid at house if a necessity.

- Wayward restricted suspicious Apps like WhatsApp, KIK, and Ashley Madison App to her burner phone. So her phone was basically clean without looking for those few deleted texts.

- Wayward restricted all sexting to outside of house or completely out of town.

- Wayward restricted sexual encounters to out of town.

- Wayward did not use facebook or other common connection methods to find or communicate with APs.

- Wayward made sure to have routine calls with me before, sometimes during, and after encounters in order to keep her contact with me unsuspicious while out of town.

- She used mostly cash for any suspicious purchases like drinks at a place she didn't want me to know about (like a hotel bar not her hotel).

- When a credit card was needed she used a pre-paid VISA card which she refilled with cash.

- She stayed loving, sexual, and attentive toward me. There were rare occasions when she acted displeased with me for no reason, but I chocked those up to regular bad moods anyone gets.

- Her mistake was a single encounter which she went overboard in preparing. Had it not been for this single clue, I would still not know. Even then, she expected me gone when she was doing her preparations, it just so happened a long drive cancelled and I ended up returning home as she was finishing her preparations for a rendezvous. I didn't return to surprise her, I was on a long business call which kept me from a normal call to her. And even then she had a believable excuse for being especially well dressed, but my gut told me she was dolled up for a man.

- If I look back over the years, I believe she likely had other affairs in the distant past which she used similar tactics. Perhaps she perfected her craft over our entire marriage.

I hate to announce this conclusion for those thinking there are always clues. Sometimes you have nothing tangible but a gut feeling. If waywards follow perfect protocols it takes an accident for them to be exposed. And even then the "accident" may just be a very subtle change or difference in behavior, the smallest circumstantial hint of a lie.

A committed cheater with self control and employing best practices can deceive even a perceptive and aware spouse. A wayward can lie convincingly. I learned this post D as my WW would look at me and lie, I had evidence she was lying, and yet her words and facial expression were believable. It is not the fault of the betrayed that waywards are accomplished at deceit. Sometimes there is nothing you could have done to know and little to no evidence to find. I have turned this over in my mind a million times. I would have had to do a deep investigation, VAR, location tracking, etc., to uncover the deception. Unfortunately some activity will just align with a person's work or hobbies.

- My WW did not need to work, but did part time consulting that took her out of town. She didn't need to leave town as much as she did and sometimes missed things I knew she'd like to do. She didn't invite me out of town as often as I made myself available. So this tiny clue of her prioritizing an unnecessary consulting gig against family events and spending time with me was a clue in hindsight. But was it suspicious if you aren't on alert? Not really, she also took great satisfaction in being a professional subject matter expert and having that positive reinforcement from being an expert at something. So it felt authentic and I wanted her to have a well rounded life. Many of us like being more than husband or wife, that is healthy to be well rounded. We want our spouses to be fully realized and balanced people with friends, activities, or satisfying occupations. It just so happens friends, activities, and satisfying occupations can be used as cover for expert cheaters.

A couple of postscript items:

- A dedicated review of her Lyft account after the fact found a couple of "suspicious" rides.

- A dedicated review of her primary credit card and bank account did not find anything suspicious.

- One may consider her cash expenditures a bit high, she used cash to recharge phone and pre-paid VISA. But this is subjective and easily could have been cash spent anywhere.

Hope this is helpful to someone. My message is a betrayed spouse needs to know you didn't do anything wrong by trusting another person. Trust is necessary to operate in a civil society and a relationship. I know we all want to change so we're not burned again, but you can't change your behaviors to avoid a random drive by shooting. And you may not be able to change behaviors enough to catch a spouse you love who is doing everything to deceive you.

[This message edited by Apparition at 1:34 PM, August 2nd (Monday)]