SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks all - sorry for the delay - it's hard to stay on top of anything with the baby! lol

Thanks all for your replies, it's hard to reply to everything.

Not trying to rug sweep his first affair. I'm relaying what he told me. I know they both cheated in that relationship, etc. and I know he's also to blame for how he treated her. He actually never minimized that and only speaks highly of her. He doesn't blame her for it. I guess I bring it up because I was very hesitant to be involved with him because of that, but he appeared to be doing the work and become a better man as a result. So those were the actions and follow up that I was focusing on (at the time) He was forthcoming of all of it, etc. and I thought, well people can change, he didn't have to tell me about it at all, etc. I figured I could leave any time.

I know he was divorced before we even met - yes I have seen documents. This OW, I dont know who she thought she was to him. I think you're very right in that this was a definite "overlap" and I don't think it's ok.

My name isn't on the house because I don't want it to be - I can't afford to have this mortgage in my name, I don't want to be responsible for it. He does pay the bills though - I have my own house I'm renting out and financially I am fine on that point. The reason I would get married, in part, is because it actually protects me more financially - way more than putting my name on the house would. Keep in mind I'm pretty vulnerable here for the time being, working part time, cause it's all I can do, while taking care of the baby since I can't get childcare until she's vaxxed. It's a temporary situation but it def leaves me feeling vulnerable.

I don't know if he's a unicorn or not. I don't have any delusions on that. I can just say what' he's doing, fact wise and has been doing it since April. I did ask him to take a poly the other day and he said he would. But - his point of view - and the therapist agreed - is that we keep going over the same details over and over again, and me 'checking up on him constantly' isn't moving the relationship forward but keeping us stuck. He's stressed out 24/7 because I'm constantly on top of him and he wants to work on it but he's got his breaking points too. The therapist was saying I can't affair proof anything by checking up constantly. Truth has to be earned and proven but that's different then going over everything. His point of view - is that at some point I have to decide if I'm going to be in this or not and if I am, this other stuff isn't helpful.

So I'm kinda stuck in that place. Between wanting to work on it and putting in all the effort and wanting to squeeze every last drop out of this thing. He kinda breaks down when I do that and he says he cant take it day after day. I do kinda see that point - I'm either in or I'm out and if I can't do it, I should be out.

It's frustrating. You ask me to have the therapist diagnose him, his IC thinks he's severely depressed and he has been on antidepressants since May. He says first things first is to get that depression under control before he can really do anything else.

My concern is he says he wants to change, he appears to be doing everything right. He cut things off before I knew about it and has stayed committed to that - again since before I knew about it. But I worry about him being a serial cheater and living this double life. Anyone that can do that so easily and for so long, is concerning. Can those people really change? I don't know.

And how do you do a "soft" separation in Covid when you need help with a baby? That seems pretty impossible (I dont have family anywhere in the state btw).

[This message edited by NewMomNeedingAdvice at 10:20 PM, Thursday, August 26th]

I think having the option to check is what helped me. Doing the poly allowed me to move forward. After the truthful poly I was reassured, enough to move forward. At that point we had relationship talk in 15 minute increments. The therapist usually focuses on the wandering and the betrayed need to suck it up. What is going to assure you that you know the truth? Your thoughts about that are most important.

He visited her (she lives out of state) a couple of times when we were first together - and then for a full week when I was 6 months pregnant (he told me he was seeing a friend for a guys trip).

He says: they never slept together while we were together - he was always to weak to end relationships and it was something that went on longer then it should have. He didn't sleep together or do anything physical when he saw her when I was pregnant - the only reason he went was to 'pacify' her as he was afraid she would come to the house and I'd find out (she did not know about me).

Does it really make sense to you that he would go to all the trouble to make up a huge whopper about going on a guy's trip, spend a week with a woman who believes that he's her boyfriend, and then NOT sleep with her?

I'm sorry, but I'd need a polygraph *and* I'd have to interview the OW. And even then, I wouldn't continue on with this guy without an iron-clad pre-nup. You're not married. He's just a boyfriend of a couple year's time. It would be really simple to turn him into a child support payment and then go find a better role model for your kid. He has lied to you for the ENTIRE relationship and allowed you to not only invest in him emotionally while he KNEW he was cheating, but to start a child with him. I'll be frank, people have reconciled from worse, but you're still a young woman at 39 with your whole life ahead of you. If I were you, I'd demand a poly, contact info on the OW, and names and phone numbers for anyone else who knew what was going on, IOW... references to his LACK of character, and I would interview all those people. He'd be required to be assessed by a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) and to seek treatment for his issues. He would also be required to participate in premarital counseling etc, etc, etc, and at any point, you reserve the right to throw in the towel and move on.

NONE of it will stop him from cheating again anyway. The only thing that stops them is being too sick of themselves to tolerate being a no account cheater whose word means nothing for another day. IOW, they have to want it more than anything and be willing to humble themselves to any extent necessary to dig through their baggage and get right with themselves. It happens. Some WS do get there. But it's really hard work and if this guy is already balking at the poly, it doesn't sound promising.

ETA: And please don't be moved by crocodile tears and snot-bubbled promises to change. They all howl like it's the end of the world, but those tears are meaningless. It's ACTIONS you want. He should be willing to DO anything to make it right.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:03 AM, Friday, August 27th]

First, I’m very sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s such a painful process however, we can come out stronger with ourselves at the end if we do the work (with the help of an IC). Ok so these are all the things that stood out to me throughout your posts. Notice that it’s all about him in many of these. You’re the one hurting yet somehow he’s the one who’s emotions seem to be more considered than yours.

3. I did ask for a polygraph, he said he doesn't want to get one since they aren't always accurate - and then what? Do I just assume he's lying if something looks off? I sorta understand that - they aren't admissible in Court.

He doesn’t get to say he doesn’t want one and manipulate that to get his way by saying that they aren’t admissible in court. I would recommend getting one. He’s a confirmed liar and manipulator multiple times over…just, no. You’re the hurt party, you’re the prize, you want a poly? He should willingly oblige. Whatever it takes for YOU and your hurts. You come first. Not him.

He says he doesn't want "credit" for ending it on his own, but he says that should show me that he did end it and has been faithful without me knowing or asking.

seriously? Ok…but he also didn’t willingly tell you. You had to catch him. If he wanted a connection with you and wanted to be considerate of YOUR feelings (rather than his ability to take whatever consequences you may have rightfully had for his reveal) then he should have told you to clear the secret that was keeping you both from connecting emotionally and should have been willing to take whatever you dished at him. Own his shit and take the consequences - realize that he hurt you and do whatever it takes to be there for your emotional pain. If you left, he deserved it. That’s not what he did here though…he was willing to keep a secret and keep lying to you throughout however long it would go in your relationship. That’s immensely selfish and a coward move. He was doing it all to keep getting what he wants from you while not having to face consequences for his shitty and very hurtful choices. Oh but please, give him some brownie points…umm no.

- but maybe it's the devil ya know.

Hmmm you’ve said this twice or so throughout your posts…I wonder why you’re telling yourself this. You deserve an amazing human that’s going to consider your emotions and treat you right, while valuing you and your worth and being honest and not making you play detective to make sure they’re staying moral and considering your emotional and physical well-being. There are people in the world that would value you more than what he has. You do deserve that.

I’m not saying this to say leave him. I just want you to know it doesn’t have to be a devil you know situation. You don’t have to settle for this "devil".

but he says he's been showing every day he's putting in the work and why go backwards and keep reliving stuff.

This is just so selfish to me. He doesn’t get to say. It’s like, "oh I know I hurt you but why do u keep bringing it up? Can’t you see I can’t handle it? How about you get over it already bc I can’t handle hearing about it."

I was very hesitant to be involved with him because of that, but he appeared to be doing the work and become a better man as a result.

He seems to be a very good performer…

is that we keep going over the same details over and over again, and me 'checking up on him constantly' isn't moving the relationship forward but keeping us stuck.

His point of view - is that at some point I have to decide if I'm going to be in this or not and if I am, this other stuff isn't helpful.

He kinda breaks down when I do that and he says he cant take it day after day.

sheesh…you’re going through every detail because you’re traumatized and questioning your reality! He wants to rugsweep bc it makes him uncomfortable to deal with your emotions form HIS shitty choices. This isnt what remorse looks like. It isn’t what accountability or an amends looks like either. This is him wanting to tuck it away and emotionally "get over it". It’s in the "past" why are you so bothered? Smh. Seriously that’s so ugly. You’re hurting, of course you are. You’re questioning because you’ve been shown this situation with him is unsafe for you and your heart - but he wants you to just "jump all in again", why would you feel safe enough to do that? Oh but of course, he’s saying jump in and stop talking about it because again - it’s about his level of comfort, and what he wants and "needs"…not what YOU need emotionally to be safe again.

Sigh. I hope you’re able to find an IC to help you focus more on you and your emotional well-being. You deserve to put that first, especially over his wants and "needs" to be comfortable. Don’t doubt yourself, don’t make excuses for him or let him try to flip it on you. Your feelings matter, you are allowed to feel how you feel, you are allowed to make your feelings a priority, you are allowed to ask questions a million times if you have to. If he can’t deal with that then he doesn’t deserve you.