SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, first time poster here. It has been 3 months since DDay when my SO sat my down to tell me that he had an affair last year that has resulted in a pregnancy. Their timeline- friends in March 2020, PA Aug 2020-Jan 2021. He ended the relationship after he found out (End of January) about the pregnancy, it took him 5 months to work up the courage to tell me about this catastrophic fuckup. I should also state that even though he confessed to me, there were many trickle truths and it took my detective skills(I have a carrier as a PI if I so chose) to uncover the full extent of the affair.

A bit of a backstory on our relationship. We are 33/35 with no kids, 2 fur-children. You know how there is Instagram vs reality and it’s assumed that the pictures on social media aren’t really a representation of one’s life… We were Instagram happy all the time. The last 3 years have been the happiest 3 years of my life, even while suffering through covid, grueling school and the loss of my father and grandmother. What we had was something special and as such I am not ready to give up on it.

I have read through all their WhatsApp and Instagram messages and their "relationship" was nothing like mine. The messages aren’t flirty and there were no professions of love or affection. The closest to a compliment was him calling her "M’lady" and commenting on that "fascinating head" of hers. There relationship was built on a common love of wrestling, comic books and rock music. Whereas his relationship with me is all love and affection. He tells me every day about how much he loves me; how beautiful I am and how I am the love of his life. I confronted her and she said that they only slept together 5-7x in the 6 months that they were seeing each other, where him and I have always had a very… hands on... relationship.

I was absolutely blindsided when he told me, and I couldn’t eat or sleep for 3 weeks and have done a complete 180 in terms of life direction. I still can’t believe that it happened and is happening (baby is due right around my birthday). When I asked him why he cheated, from what I can tell it was a combination of Covid (lockdown here was extreme 10/16 months), stress from work, feeling insecure, and their common interests.

There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and wants to be with me, we are both putting in the work, he is doing IC and we are doing MC. I feel it his job to do the work and my job to not rub it in his/my face every day.

I still find myself obsessing over it and very sad/hurt. Reading posts on this forum have been very helpful and I know that it will take at least a year till we can have any semblance of a new normal relationship. We have good communication and we set aside time to talk about it, and it is all very "adulty".

SO, and the OW don’t have any contact and are dealing strictly through lawyers right now. I also know that I don’t really know how this will affect our relationship until the child is born and even then, even then it will be a while until we see how it plays out. I know that they will need to have contact and be amicable, and that especially when the child is a newborn, they will need to have contact during visits.

SO and the OW both work in a very small/tight industry but for competing companies. While SO wants to keep it a dirty secret, I know that it is only a matter of time until everyone knows. While SO has all the shame and guilt associated with the affair, I feel that I will look like a fool for standing by him.

I am posting this because I am looking for insight on anyone else that decided to stay with their spouse who had a child with an AP.
1)How did you accept the child?
2)How did you handle the OW?
3)How was your SO with it all?
I am also looking for insight on how to trust again.
1)Were you able to trust and if so, how long did it take to trust?
2)How long did you keep your "rules" in play? I have all the passwords to everything, I have a GPS on him, the rule that I foresee being the biggest issue is that I am insisting on going on all of his work trips with him (I suspect more of an issue with his company than him)
3)How long did it take for you to start feeling happy in your relationship?

My deepest sympathies to you.

Although I am not in a similar situation as you, I will reply as I'm not sure how many people in such circumstances are here.

You sound like a wonderful person for even entertaining this idea. I would worry that the constant reminder of his unfaithfulness would eat away at you over time and I think you would need to be a saint to accept this.

porcelains:

Very sorry you are here. The answer to some of your questions are very much personal to you, and the actions of your WH in working to become a partner worthy of trust. The standard working advice is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity with a truthful and remorseful partner. YMMV. We are all different. Get stronger and heal you, while your WH gets therapy for his own issues. The existence of the OC may, of course, impact your healing.

If you scroll down the forums there is one named: I Can Relate. Within this forum there is a topic: dealing with an OC.

It does not get a lot of activity but there are posts there for you to read and perhaps glean some help. If you search, I know of one poster, Rugbychick, who dealt with an OC and posted her journey. Her journey was interesting in that the OW actually physically attacked her, and Rugbychick fought for custody of the OC. Not the normal journey, but as I said, we are all different. I am sure there are others I am not aware of.

I am sure you are feeling alone and vulnerable. Others will be along to help. Good luck.

You mention you don't have kids. Do you want to have children of your own?

They will always be connected via this child. You will have to deal with her in some way, for the rest of your lives.

This is a LOT for someone young and not married long and without any kids.

Are you in IC? Have you told people in real life? If you were my friend or sister I would be begging you to move on with your one precious life.

Has a paternity test been performed?

I really don't have any advice as to whether you should R or not as I've not been in your shoes.

SO, and the OW don’t have any contact and are dealing strictly through lawyers right now.

Good. If the child does end up being his, he may be able to arrange visitation without the OW's presence. All this of course would have to be worked out by the attorneys.

Sending strength & hugs...

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Keep in mind that if your husband wants to be in this child's life you WILL see the OW. School events, sporting events, possibly even the kid's birthday party. You WILL see OW if your husband chooses to be in the child's life.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Why did the OW allow herself to get pregnant?

Unfortunately, you can read the texts but you don't know what he said to her face to face.

He's smart enough to say all the right words to you and it's reasonable he said the same words to the OW. Basically, he said whatever you wanted to hear to get whatever he wants from you. Words are cheap and not a big investment.

Google: PTSD.

It's the human response to trauma (and this betrayal is a major trauma).

Knowing the stages (that recur over and over) is useful in managing the emotional swings but also makes you aware of how your decision making is flawed at this time.

You need to distance yourself from your SO and give yourself time to reach a point where you can make a long term rational decision.

Your post sounds like you're in the denial stage and hoping to minimize the terrible pain by convincing yourself that he loves you and only you - and that your future together is rosy.

Make no mistake. Among other things, in the context of a relationship, your SO is: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacks empathy for you.

This is who he is. There's no quick easy fix here. It take 3-5 years to fix himself and rebuild trust (and may fail). Made even harder with the OW (and the child) in your life.

Judge people by their actions not their words or hugs.

Frankly, if he loved you as much as you want to believe - he would never betray you or lie to your face for 24/7 while committing adultery. Behind his loving words is a seriously flawed person.

IMO, no kids - then run. You deserve better. Find a man of good character (he is not).

Finally, experience with cheaters tell us that it's highly likely their affair was going on longer than you think. And nothing the OW shares with you can be relied upon.

No advice about the child other than to echo the suggestion about looking in the "I Can Relate" forum.

I will say this; child or no, his "whys" are BS.

For both your sakes, I hope he digs deeper.

It's very good he is doing IC. I recommend you find one for yourself.

Hugs and good luck!

I would not accept a child. The reminder of his affair will never go away only get older. It is bad enough of the constant reminder of his infidelity but a child there is no way.

Why did the OW allow herself to get pregnant? I wouldn’t put it all on her. If he was worried about knocking her up he could have taken precautions.

I have never been in this predicament but an old friend/colleague of mine was. I’ll never forget the day her husband’s mistress gave birth to OC. It hurt my friend even more because she had two boys with her husband and mistress gave him a girl. When she walked around the corner at work I knew instantly, my heart stopped & stomach dropped. I don’t even know how to describe the anguish on her face. She was destroyed. She crawled under my desk so people couldn’t see & (tried to silently) sobbed as I rubbed her back & worked at the same time. The only other time I’ve seen people IRL with the same kind of look was at my baby cousin’s funeral. I legit wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Then her sons were in a awkward position because they loved their baby sister but didn’t want to upset their mom. So my friend put on a brave face in front of them which made them feel more comfortable talking to her about the baby, she lived in hell. Dynamics are somewhat different than your story but the betrayal & resulting devastation is the same.

Your WS’s reasons for cheating amount to, he wanted to some of another’s vagina. Whenever he’s stressed is he gonna sleep with chicks he has similar interests with? And not use protection, potentially bringing you home a disease? And hide pregnancies? The biggest predictor of someone’s future behavior is their past behavior.

You’re not married. You don’t have any children. You’re young. He’s a cheater who knocks up fuck buddies. I’m not sure if that’s worse than if their relationship was more than just sex. porcelainp think with your head not your heart.

I think you need to ask yourself if you want to parent your SO and OW child, because that is what will happen if you stay with him. Raising children in the best of environments is hard enough, but this would no doubt be harder. I believe you will be conflicted looking at this innocent child feeling the pain that was caused by her/his conception.

You are young, do you want to spend the rest if your life investigating your SO movements? Not being able to just trust that what he says is true? I did and I feel it gave him permission to continue with his cheating ways.

Others here have given their WP a chance to prove themselves and have had success with reconciliation. You might be able to be one of these stories. But he has made excuses for his behavior and you have too. He did not use protection, exposing you to disease and causing a pregnancy. This does not seem like love to me. You only know what you read, you do not know what happened when they were together all the time.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Sometimes I think that one of the best things about romantic love is that you can fall out of it given time and space. You aren't trapped with one individual just because you love him. There are billions of people in the world. Thousands of potential partners in your geographic area. You could have fallen in love with so many potential men. That you are currently in love with this particular one doesn't mean that you are trapped forever with him because of that love. Love isn't meant to be a jail sentence that you suffer through no matter what complications your love interest brings into your life. Take a moment and tell your heart to be quiet while the rational part of your brain thinks this through.

You can stay and have at least two decades of a child in your life that you may have in your home for visitation whom you will have to parent. This kid isn't to blame at all, but this little person will be the most vivid reminder of the worst thing that happened to you. Child support for this child will come out of your household income. You will see this OW and have to make nice on occasion. Your WH will have to interact with her and coparent with her. If this woman dies or abandons this child, you will be raising this child. AND you will be doing all this with a man who cheated on you and dealing with all the fallout that comes with attempting to R. I can't even begin to imagine how many years it will take to find some kind of equilibrium with this situation. More than the 2-5 years typically stated, I'm sure.

OR you cut your losses and leave him. You grieve the loss and suffer through the heartbreak for a far shorter amount of time. In a year, you will be in a much healthier place mentally and the majority of the pain will have subsided. You will have a chance at building a life with another man if you like, a man who hasn't cheated on you. You will not have to worry about decades of agony and reminders. Give it time and you won't love this man. He will be somebody you used to know. He will be a part of your past, a bullet you dodged. You will not understand why you considered staying for all of this. You will see him in a different light.

I get it, I spent the "happiest years of my life" with my XWH too, but that happiness was all in my perceptions given that he was sleeping around behind my back. It wasn't real. You won't get that back ever. Those times are dead and gone even if you stay. You won't ever feel that way about him again.

Listen to everything DevastatedDee said. I’m going to send that post to my friends who are going through it right now.

I will tell you my story. Take what you will from it.

WH had a year long A with OW. He worked away from home on a project and lived there only coming home for one day each week. So it was easy to have an A without me knowing since I was working full time at the time as well.

He told me about the A only because the OW got pregnant (she told him she was on birth control and of course he never considered STDs!). He was only too happy to stick it in without a thought as to who else might be using the space (of course according to him she was a lot of things but she wasn't a whore...sure...).

I made a lot of mistakes at first, allowing contact because of the OC. It was torture to see the chats between them about her pregnancy. Finally I made him go see a lawyer to see what his/our options were. I wasn't sure if it was OK to stop communication with OW, if it might impact in some way CS etc. The lawyer said that there needed to be no contact unless and until paternity had been established. He was perfectly within his rights to ignore her communication efforts and in fact, demand that she stop or he would take legal action. If and when she sued for paternity, if it was his, he could either just set up CS through a third party and have nothing to do with OW or OC besides that, or, if he wanted a relationship with OC, he could also go through a 3rd party and never need to see OW. Except of course, as another poster said, if your WH wants a relationship, there will be crossover and you have to be willing to be the bigger person.

For me, I knew that I could NEVER be a part of OC's life in any way. I told my WH that he could have a relationship with the OC if it was his, I would never tell him he wasn't allowed to. But that it would be without me by his side because I was not going to help raise his bastard. I know the child is innocent and didn't ask for any of this, but, so am I and so are my kids! I also let our kids know that if they were interested in getting to know the OC they were more than welcomed to try (paternity has never been established). None of them had any inclination to.

We are almost 3 years out and I still feel the same way. If at any point in time WH decides he wants that relationship, I'll wish him well and file for D. I'm sure some people will think me harsh for putting my own feelings ahead of the OC, but too bad. It's how I feel and I'm sure it would be detrimental to that child if it lives here and feels my resentment and pain. No matter how nice I could be, I doubt I could hide it. I'm not a POS lying cheater who can hide behind a good person's face.

The OW in my case wanted to take my place. I am 99.9% positive that she got pregnant on purpose. His project was coming to an end and she would never see him again. He wasn't gong to be willing to drive 3 hours just to fuck her easy entry ass. I suppose she thought it was the only way to stay in his life. When we called her to let her know that there would be no more communication, she talked to me like we were friends! That's before he told her why we were calling, then she turned into her true persona and started cussing and accusing my WH of being cold hearted. "How could you be so cold? Were you always like that?" "Well, I didn't get myself pregnant. I didn't climb on myself and fuck me." You get the picture. She was hoping to be me but instead got a third mouth to feed from a third baby daddy! Yeah, my WH is in great company!

Jesus! This woman allowed my WH to stay in her home where there were 2 young children, under 5, all night! And once for a whole week! (which he told me he was staying at a hotel ) Obviously she does not make good decisions either. I hate that he introduced that woman into our lives. Months after the OC was born (which was the day before Mother's Day, thanks forever triggers!), she sent me a text over FB giving me an update on how "you're husband's son" was doing because she couldn't send it to him since he blocked her (I blocked as well). Then basically threatened to tell my children that they had a sibling. Too bad for her they already know. I thought about texting back but decided silence was better. Whatever fantasies she has in her head are her delusions and I don't need to fuel them.

As for the "rules" they are still very applicable. I don't think they will ever go back to the way they were before. I don't trust him, he's still doing things because he thinks it's the best thing, when it's really just him protecting himself.

"Happy?" Well, I don't know if that will ever happen for me, with or without him. These days are kinds monochromatic and I just drift through them. Yes, there are breakthrough moments of color and joy, but not like before. I hold on to them as much as I can.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know of one person who posted (can't remember their name) who said they welcomed the OC into their lives and now can't imagine not having them be part of her family. I admire her for that, but I also know that's not me. If you believe you can have that much grace, well, I hope it works out for you. Remember, before promising or doing anything legally, get that paternity test!

I also agree with most posters that you are so young and you do NOT need to be saddled with this kind of thing for the rest of your life. But only you know what you are capable of. When this happened we had been M for 27 years and our youngest was 14. Best of luck to you. If you ever just need to vent, I'm available! ((((porcelainp))))

The normal advice is no children or major attachments them just move on, but that's not where you are right now. I don't have any advice, but here is something to think about.

Raising children is a lot of work for both parents and is your SO going to step up and lead or will much of effort fall to you when it is his parenting time? Only you can answer that, but given his poor choices to date my assumption would be he will, if not actively at least passively, allow much of this fall to you. I took a years worth of vacation off when each of my daughters were born to support my ex wife. I was also very involved after this even though she was a SAHM and I have a demanding job that requires long hours (e.g taking them to sports practice, driving them to school, bed time routine, etc.). Do you believe your SO will step up to change diapers, feed, deal with them when they are fussy, plan activities during his parenting time? If not will he expect you to fill this role?

Like others have said check out the "Dealing with OC" thread in "I Can Relate" I would expect you will find relevant advice there.