SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A quick background. H was a porn addict since he accidentally watched one of his stepdads VHS tapes when he was 14. He was a porn addict (though never acknowledged or admitted it) though our entire marriage. After DDay #2 we discussed the role porn played in his affair. After a lot of discussions he realized porn was unhealthy for him and for us in R. He agreed to stop completely. He also agreed to stop masturbating because it made me feel unwanted and the ties to porn/affair. He has two incidents where I caught him masturbating since. He’s dumb and does it in the shower and gets a dry spot since he’s not using proper lubricants. First (2019, about 1 year+ after DDay 2) time noticed dry spot during sex and he told me he had been masturbating in shower. It upset me and he agreed not to do it again. Second time I found his underwear under the bed and saw it had dried cum (again, dumb move buddy) I was hysterical and he admitted to masturbating next to me while I slept. I was LIVID and so hurt. Again, he agrees not to masturbate. So last year I noticed a dry spot again and I said "ok I’m not upset just tell me if you jacked off" he absolutely denies it but I feel in my gut he’s lying but I don’t exactly have proof. He convinces me to accept that it’s from drinking a lot more water and peeing more and "milking his penis". So we move on eventually but it never sat right with me.

For some reason I bring this up again last night, I tell him to tell me the truth and he admits that he had masturbated. He said he "withheld the truth" to "protect me" since he’s "put me through enough already". I ask him why he did it, he says "I’m a flawed human being etc" I’m upset. We talk more about it today and he just says "it was stress relief blah blah blah" I feel like this is a betrayal bu he acts like it’s no big deal. I say "if you can lie about that what else can you lie about?!!!" He assures me he’s not lied about anything. I’m really stuck. I don’t feel he’s being contrite enough, then I feel like maybe I don’t get to control if he masturbates? Am I being unreasonable??? He’s been pretty great in all aspect of R, it’s been a rough road but I will say he’s been good with everything. How should I proceed? Just forget it and move on? Be worried? I got so upset with him I left and am sitting in the parking lot of a grocery store at 8:30 at night. Please help me. I don’t know if I’m just being dramatic or what I’m doing.

I can't answer the masturbation/ Control question.

What I can address is - can you separate the two issues?

1) He's lying to control your reaction and to protect you. Def. wayward thinking.

2) He's a Porn addict (diagnosed by a prof or by the two of you?). He's masturbating.

I don't have a definitive answer to this question. I just want you to know that you have been heard. I know the feeling of sitting in the parking lot feeling alone and lost. And angry. And unsure. And hurt.

IMO he is lying to protect himself, not you. Absolutely W thinking. Is he in IC?

@devotedman

Mostly diagnosed by us but brought up in counseling. We only got 6 sessions. We can’t afford more. Also his work schedule did not allow time although he’s off Monday’s now and we can go back this year. See that’s my point of "W thinking" he says he’s lying to protect me but he’s lying to protect himself

Adding

I have never denied him sex. I’ve always seemed to want it more anyway and he was almost always the initiator. It’s not like I say I’ve never denied him and had sex when I didn’t want to, I always wanted to.

I definitely agree that he's lying to protect himself.

Remember that thing you read here a lot?

"It isn't the cheating that kills the marriage as much as it is the continued lying afterwards"

That's exactly my point. It isn't so much that he's masturbating, but the lying about it.

He's showing you who he is. Believe him. He's someone who thinks that making a promise and then breaking it when he Wants to is okay.

I just texted him I’m getting a hotel room and he has wayward spouse thinking and I don’t trust him. He said

"I’m sorry"

Just to be clear- I'm not saying, "D now!" What I am saying is to decide what consequence his actions Warrant and proceed accordingly.

If you do something that doesn't advance you towards your goal then stop and start doing something that does.

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:51 AM, Monday, September 20th]

So should I be done? I don’t want to be done but what do I do from here?

Since the last incident was about a year ago and he just fessed up now how do I handle this???? He says he hasn’t done it since and I’ve not found any "evidence"

I can't Answer that. I've never had R work.

Lots do,though. They'll be more help.

Right now, though, I'd set aside the question of masturbating in the shower and begin to calmly address the elephant in the room - he lies when he thinks he can . gain something. Thats a real problem because he's manipulating you.

Good luck. I have to run now.

Finally a reply

I don’t know what you want me to say. Since, everything I say is a lie. How can you you not believe I love you with all my heart. See the big picture is I lied about masturbating. I have not been unfaithful to you after the apocalypse day. I understand the lying has brought you to this. It does not mean that I am doing anything other than trying to make you feel safe. You can say that I only stayed because of convenience. Those are your words.

broken, I'm sorry that this is an issue in your marriage. Whether it constitutes "cheating" is a question that only you can answer. The lies told about it are certainly a betrayal on one level or another.

With a great deal of research over the years and in controlling those urges in my own life (and discussing with various counselors as well), more often than not, secret masturbation has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Whether you have sex daily, weekly, monthly, or whatever, secret masturbation isn't related.

Most often, where it stems from is a desire for control. I'm guessing that there have been things going on in your H's world at the times you have discovered the evidence that have him feeling "out of control". So, to take back that feeling of being "in charge", he has taken charge over the one thing in life that he can 100% control...

This isn't to excuse anything he has done. If you have told him that you feel betrayed when he does it, that is something he needs to honor. He also needs to get with an IC to develop healthy habits for dealing with stress/feeling out of control.

What does it mean for your relationship? That's up to you. No one here can judge how major or minor it "is".

Ok these are my thoughts. Take from it what you need, if anything, and disregard the rest.

I don’t remember your story. I’ll try to find it but regardless, I know your husband cheated. And if you want to end the marriage and be done with him because he cheated, then that is perfectly acceptable. Perhaps even recommended.

But my personal opinion is that trying to stop a guy, or any person, from masturbating is a ridiculous concept. Sorry I don’t mean that as insulting. But to me masturbation is different than sex. It’s not equivalent.

Now you can say that u believe porn use is cheating. And say you can’t live with him as a partner if he views porn when he is or is not pleasuring himself.

But I doubt he’s watching it in the shower.

To me, if you truly are serious about wanting to be with him for all intimate moments, then you not only need to be available not just for sex, but for one sided sessions where you share in the masturbation experience. Pleasuring only him.

Of course he should reciprocate if you ever feel the same need.

But my opinion, and discard it if you cannot get on board with it, is that masturbation is not the same thing as sex and a healthy individual has both in his or her life.

I urge you to rethink what you are asking of him as a partner. Again in my opinion this request sets him up for failure.

Again, him never cheating again with someone else is an absolute requirement. And I believe you never give up the option to throw in the towel if you can’t get past the affairs he already has had.

But I can’t agree with what you are asking of him with this topic. I just can’t.

Glad to discuss more…

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:27 AM, Monday, September 20th]

He also agreed to stop masturbating because it made me feel unwanted and the ties to porn/affair.

Gently...but have you considered some introspection/counselling (when you're able to continue) to consider why masturbation per se makes you feel unwanted? Naturally I can understand why it might because of his history but you don't have to feel that way. He certainly doesn't help his cause by setting himself up to fail by making promises he can't keep and then blatantly lying to you!

I guess this whole topic is such a huge can of worms. Everyone will have their own subjective views on it and I'd bet there'd be significant differences between the male and female perspectives.

From my own perspective, when my partner discloses she has self pleasured I feel honoured that she has shared that information with me and pleased for her that she was able to enjoy her body and sensations on her own. Obviously she doesn't have the same history or issues as your WH so the act itself is framed by both of us in a totally different context.

But my personal opinion is that trying to stop a guy, or any person, from masturbating is a ridiculous concept.

...unless they're intending to become a monk or a nun perhaps!

I tend to agree with Stevesn on the subject, however I realise others on here will have very different views and I don't believe there's a 'right' or a 'wrong' answer. It's what two people in a relationship feel comfortable with and how much intimacy they're willing to share.

Brokendollparts I wish you all the best going forward and hope you and H are able to resolve your differences on this subject.

((()))

If he is masturbating and NOT tending to his wife's needs theres a problem and its not with her!

Why is it a man can jerk off to his hearts content and if his wife feels unwanted SHE needs IC. But when a woman masturbates she's withholding sex from the man.

Double standard..

I think the question is "Are you married to a sex addict?". That makes a huge difference in the advice I'd give.

If you're married to someone who cheated and is using porn addiction as some kind of excuse for why he "couldn't help it" but doesn't really have a true addiction, then him masturbating isn't the issue. Masturbation is a healthy outlet for the vast majority of people. The problem is the lying. He needs to do a lot of work on himself because he might just have painted himself into a corner by using that as an excuse as it means he can't be normal without it being threatening to you.

If you're married to a sex addict where masturbation for whatever reason leads to cheating because they have to keep escalating...hell, I don't know. I don't recommend being married to a sex addict in any case. That's a cheating ticking time bomb. You surely shouldn't have to monitor how often your spouse masturbates out of fear of it leading to emotional devastation. That's too much for anyone to live with.

Masturbation should not be a negative thing. Something has gone very wrong when it causes you this much fear and pain.

Drgn. I agree with you. If he is choosing masturbation over sex with his wife then I agree that is a problem. But if he is "ready to go" any time she is then my comments above apply.

IN a relationship physical interaction between the partners is most important and should be the focus of any counseling and discussion that occurs. If needs are not being met on either side that is the true discussion that needs to be held.

But once that is on track I believe "individual time" should not be prohibited, as long as it doesn’t interfere with intimacy between the partners.

Two issues the way I see it.
1. The lies. The first and last rule of R is no lying of any kind ever again, not to protect you, not to be kind, not to avoid conflict. NONE of it is acceptable. He needs to understand that, and needs to work toward change, and he may not be able to learn this on his own, especially if he is feeling shame or guilt around the activity.

2. Masturbation - I do think it's asking a lot for any human to not masturbate. A few minutes to yourself to take care of business releases a lot of good hormones that make us feel better and be more relaxed.
Do NOT self diagnose SA. That's a dangerous path especially without counseling. It quickly becomes an excuse unless someone is holding said addict accountable.

The masturbation becomes an issue if he is doing that and not wanting or being able to be intimate with you when you want that. If he is unable to perform because of it, that's an issue. If he does it once a week, and he is still able to meet your needs, then is there any harm in it? That's a decision that you two need to reach mutually. Maybe it is something that he does in your presence, or something that he lets you know about.

His need/want to masturbate has NOTHING to do with you. Let that go.