SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's that anyone can cheat.

That’s as true as "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

But yeah, the fact that it wasn't about me made it much more upsetting. That's a perspective thing, obviously. Many people find that less upsetting.

It's not about making a BS more or less comfortable. It's about being in touch with reality and the BS making decisions based on what the BS wants.

It's critical for the BS to understand that the A is not about the BS. One corollary of that is that the BS can't do much to affect how the WS will act after d-day. Another corollary is that the BS is on their own in deciding how the BS themself will act after d-day. And a 3rd corollary is that the pick-me dance will not succeed in getting the BS anything worthwhile. A 4th is that the WS failed, the BS didn't.

I got some comfort from the 4th corollary. The others just meant that I had work to do that I never wanted to have to do....

I also like your framing of 'I don't know what I want yet. As soon as I figure that out, I act.' Because this how I feel also. That's the essence of limbo. I like you embracing the fact that this is a perfectly legitimate way to feel. Too many times, I see ambivalence and limbo cast as some sort of flaw you know, shit or get off the pot. In fact, we've seen some folks berating betrayed spouses over their recalcitrance and ambivalence when they are still feeling it years later.

As someone in a similar sitch to Thumos, I appreciate both his and Sisoon's comments on this front.

To original poster.

Its 100% true, once a cheater always a cheater.

Someone earns that title by crossing a line. Once that line is crossed, you cant go back.

Just like a felon who did their time, the are still a felon.

Acoholics are another example. There may be dry ones but they can have temptations to take a drink. They will always cherish their "war stories".

So yes, if someone cheats, they are always a cheater. Even if they reform they are still a cheater. Unless they work on themselves constantly they can go back at cheating again. They know the thrill and high of carrying out an affair.

Just like an alcoholic goes to AA to try to stay dry. A cheater needs to work on themselves or they will cheat again.

Just like a felon, cheaters have to give up things to their partners. Like knowing they will not be trusted blindly ever again.

Someone earns that title by crossing a line. Once that line is crossed, you can’t go back.

IMHO it’s more a label than a title.
Same applies to nose-picking. Once a nose-picker always a nose-picker.
Applies to basically everything where you might cross a legal, moral, or ethical line. I once drove after having a drink too many. Not drunk – but with my knowledge I know I would have failed any breathalyzer test. So I guess that since I was once a drunk driver I will always be a drunk driver. Despite having stopped about a third of the way home precisely because I realized I wasn’t fit to drive, parked my vehicle, and got a taxi.
Hi – I’m Bigger the drunk driver.

And no – recovered alcoholics don’t "cherish" their war stories. They do however realize that if they don’t adhere to certain actions and behaviors they run the risk of becoming active alcoholics. But then – comparing what is acknowledged as a physiological condition impacted by psychological factors isn’t really sensible. I for one don’t know of any survey that shows a genealogical/DNA corroboration with infidelity, but they are a dime a dozen for alcoholism.