SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m very sorry to hear this wantnomore, but sadly not surprised. This is the thing that is always in the back of my mind. My WW are in R and things are…good, but I am a different person. Outwardly, there isn’t anything different about me, but inside, completely changed, and sometimes, feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thank you. We had a stretch of R after the first A, but I too always had that uneasy feeling that something else was coming.

I wouldn’t see any road to R in your case. Your WW is a very broken person and isn’t worthy of R with you. I read a lot of this and other forums and there are many stories very similar to yours where the BH doesn’t feel life will ever be as good.

Agreed, she needs help, life would never be good with her in this mindset.

From what I’ve read, about a year or two after separation and D, the BH’s are doing very well. There definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will not be easy, but feel it will be worth it for you!

I have my sight set on that day, I know I'm starting down a rough road, but I am confident I will come out and be in good shape. Thank you for your kind words.

Wantnomore, very cool about your band and playing gigs! I too am musically inclined and was performing with a community jazz band (I actually can’t stand most jazz, lol), and also gigs with a local duo who’d have me perform as a guest.

My ex enjoyed coming out to hear me sing...he’d get all proud and say he was my #1 groupie. Too bad he had to go and be a slimy disgusting scumbag in the end.

I’m supposed to be singing at a wedding in June...but I feel like I’ve lost my voice in addition to other joys...I hope I can get it back by then...

I too am suffering from the ravages of a serial cheater. Two women ping pong ( 6 years ago), and the latest one I found out about 6 months ago. it had been going on over a year... again. All 3 different women.

I'm so sorry you are here. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You don't deserve this.
I don't deserve this.

And yet, I grapple with walking away from 27 years together.
No, I'm not the one who cheated, who made that choice... but I'm the one who gets to decide.
He would stay and "work it out" again and again and again if I let him. I totally get the pendulum ride you're on. I suffer it daily.

Its touchy, and from what I read here, every situation is different.

I'm trying to be kind and forgiving to myself. I hope you are too.

Betrayal is such a horrible thing. I hope you find peace.

YOYO1521

He would stay and "work it out" again and again and again if I let him. I totally get the pendulum ride you're on. I suffer it daily.

I feel you, it's comforting to hear from others in the same spot. She kinda left a door open to trying to work things out with her getting counseling but I shut that down. Though I did urge her to get the counseling anyway.

I'm trying to be kind and forgiving to myself. I hope you are too.

The only thing I blame myself for right now is not ending things earlier. I have done nothing else wrong in the last few years, on the contrary - I have tried to be the model husband and make her the most important thing in my life and yet here I am again. I keep having these thoughts about how much I want to keep my marriage, but then I remember why I can't. It's a sad thing, really, and as much as anything else shows me that I am in fact ready to let go.

Betrayal is such a horrible thing. I hope you find peace.

And to you as well, my friend. Let us both look back on this as when our lives started anew. Thank you for your encouragement and strength, I hope I can return the favor.

Riverz -

Wantnomore, very cool about your band and playing gigs! I too am musically inclined and was performing with a community jazz band (I actually can’t stand most jazz, lol), and also gigs with a local duo who’d have me perform as a guest.

Sounds like fun! Though personally I quite enjoy jazz, esp performing it. To each his own I guess! I play a little guitar too and always wanted to find a way to play that out more. I was in a wedding band where I would play it on tunes with no horns, and it was really fun to play something else!

My ex enjoyed coming out to hear me sing...he’d get all proud and say he was my #1 groupie. Too bad he had to go and be a slimy disgusting scumbag in the end.

WW would come out occasionally, and, like I said, we were fairly popular and well known so she liked being seen with the band members on breaks and such; and I'd bring her up on stage to dance with me during some tunes as well, she was thrilled to do that!

I’m supposed to be singing at a wedding in June...but I feel like I’ve lost my voice in addition to other joys...I hope I can get it back by then...

I'm having a hard time sitting down and practicing right now. The biggest thing is I don't seem to have the air control I should have - the stress is affecting my breathing/breath control for playing. I don't notice it unless I'm trying to play my horn though. weird, huh? Does it affect your singing at all?

Does it affect your singing at all?

Wantnomore, to be honest, I haven’t been able to sing at all...haven’t really even wanted to try...I’m still too raw from everything. My daughter bought me a cool mic for Christmas for recording, but I haven’t even opened up the box.

When I sing I tap into my core emotionally...so ya, I can’t go there yet. He took so much from me, and I don’t want him to also take my voice...I won’t let him, damn it. I think I just need more time to heal.

[This message edited by Riverz at 7:49 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

Singing is the most emotional expression of music without a doubt. You should pull up some torch songs and belt them out, channeling all that emotion into your music - I'd bet you would bring the house down!!!

I reached out to OBS via email but got no response. So at the advice from a different thread, I called her and broke it to her.

I have never felt like such a shit in my life. I know I didn't do anything but tell her what she needed to know, but she was heartbroken, and I felt like I was responsible. It was like I found out all over again. I broke the poor woman's heart. I know I didn't, but I inflicted the pain of knowledge. And she thanked me. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I think we will talk some more, I will guide her to this site for support too, it has helped me greatly. I also told her that even though we've never met, I will be there for her - she can call or text me any time.

LOL, Wantnomore...I’m not sure I could belt anything out right now. I remember whenever I’d sing "Cry Me a River" with the jazz band I’d picture singing it about my first cheating husband...now I have the great privilege of having two cheating husbands to sing it too...bastards.

They say heartache can help create the best music...maybe I should start writing some...god knows I’ve got some great material to work with!

Wantnomore, you absolutely did the right thing telling the OBS. I understand how difficult it must have been...but you had no choice...in time, she will be very grateful you did that.

It is tough that she had to hear about her WH from you but now she knows the truth...
The question is how will your WW react. For sure blame you for meddling in her AP marriage. If she says something like that, respond with something her actions to mess up the OBS life.

On the other topic I was reminded about a long time ExGF. We were all in our early 30s we were a bunch of creatives, writers, photographers, filmmakers, musicians. She worked in a law office, not a lawyer but on the business side.
She hated her job and resented the enjoyment and success that we creative folk were having. Said it wasn't fair...I had no real reply to that.

I love "Cry Me A River," great tune!

you absolutely did the right thing telling the OBS. I understand how difficult it must have been...but you had no choice...in time, she will be very grateful you did that.

Actually just got off the phone with her again, I feel much better about telling her now, she did thank me, I feel I've done the right thing, as hard as it was.

It is tough that she had to hear about her WH from you but now she knows the truth...
The question is how will your WW react. For sure blame you for meddling in her AP marriage. If she says something like that, respond with something her actions to mess up the OBS life.

I was very interested in hearing from her about his behavior. It sounds like he may have made up a story of an unhappy marriage to get her symphathy and get closer to her. I'm not for a second discounting her role in this, but she may have been told things she wanted to hear to get her to do what he wanted her to do.

On the other topic I was reminded about a long time ExGF. We were all in our early 30s we were a bunch of creatives, writers, photographers, filmmakers, musicians. She worked in a law office, not a lawyer but on the business side.
She hated her job and resented the enjoyment and success that we creative folk were having. Said it wasn't fair...I had no real reply to that.

Just have her compare paychecks!!

Did you ask the OBS if she got your email? Or it got erased by the OM?

Going forward, you will need to detach from your STBXWW. It’s hard, it takes time, but that’s the best for you.

You don’t really gain anything from arguing about who’s fault it is etc… It just doesn’t matter what she thinks.

Her: "I cheated because you didn’t pay attention to me! It’s all your fault"

You: ah ok. Don’t forget to turn off the lights on the way out.

Why bother with the aggravation of an argument? As you slowly slip into indifference, your life will get better.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:27 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Didn't think of it, but that's kinda whats been happening. I don't talk to her unless it has to do with the kids or the business of running the house for the most part, and I don't stay in the same room as her either. It's been very cold in the house lately.

Cold and sad.

I so glad you told the OBS and will be a support for her. If your wife tries to speak with you about anything other than kids and running the household, just ignore and move on. Do not let her get under your skin and she WILL try.

Follow your lawyer's advice to the letter and completely detach from your wife. She is likely to become a lot less nice when the reality of divorce hits her, but don't let her make it your problem. This is who she is and she can live with that. It sounds like you're doing everything right so far.

Wantnomore, with your band on hiatus, I'd suggest you take your horn section and become a modern Tower Of Power style horn section. You'd be surprised how many bands would use you. Once word gets around you'll have all the gigs you can want. Then once your band revives your horn section will already be tight and only need minimal practice to get back in the groove...

...additionally I'm deeply sorry you've found yourself back here once more. I think that as the weeks turn into months you'll find yourself at peace with you're decision to D.

I'm so sorry you're going through this trauma, wantnomore. It strikes at the very core of our being.

Fellow musician and singer here. I experienced the challenge of performing a month after D-Day. I did fine, although breath control was difficult.

I had a regular schedule of upcoming gigs that actually saved my sanity. Being in the moment and focusing on the music gave me a reprieve from my grief.

I guess what I'm trying to say is music could be a healthy outlet for you on this healing journey. I didn't feel like singing or playing but I had to. And it helped immensely.

My $.02 for what it's worth.

Keep posting. There's so much wisdom on this forum.

Sending strength.

clouds777 -

I so glad you told the OBS and will be a support for her. If your wife tries to speak with you about anything other than kids and running the household, just ignore and move on. Do not let her get under your skin and she WILL try.

Thanks. I'm glad too. She actually was helpful to me as well, comparing notes is definitely making sense of the situation better.

Follow your lawyer's advice to the letter and completely detach from your wife. She is likely to become a lot less nice when the reality of divorce hits her, but don't let her make it your problem. This is who she is and she can live with that. It sounds like you're doing everything right so far.

I'm not looking forward to that.

redwing6

Wantnomore, with your band on hiatus, I'd suggest you take your horn section and become a modern Tower Of Power style horn section. You'd be surprised how many bands would use you. Once word gets around you'll have all the gigs you can want. Then once your band revives your horn section will already be tight and only need minimal practice to get back in the groove...

We're actually booking dates in April now, so no need for that. All the horn guys play in a few different places, so nobody is hurting for work.

...additionally I'm deeply sorry you've found yourself back here once more. I think that as the weeks turn into months you'll find yourself at peace with you're decision to D.

Thank you, I think you're right.

BentandBroken

I'm so sorry you're going through this trauma, wantnomore. It strikes at the very core of our being.

Fellow musician and singer here. I experienced the challenge of performing a month after D-Day. I did fine, although breath control was difficult.

It's killing me. I'm having embouchure issues as well from this. I practice but it's almost like I haven't played in a month the way it feels.

I had a regular schedule of upcoming gigs that actually saved my sanity. Being in the moment and focusing on the music gave me a reprieve from my grief.

I guess what I'm trying to say is music could be a healthy outlet for you on this healing journey. I didn't feel like singing or playing but I had to. And it helped immensely.

My $.02 for what it's worth.

Keep posting. There's so much wisdom on this forum.

Sending strength.

Thanks, I play guitar for fun too, I've strapped it on and jammed to some tunes and it did let me get some things out.
I value this forum greatly, and appreciate all who have offered their support!