SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

lalagirl

Unfortunately what you got was a selfish, emotionally stunted little girl who for some reason is stuck in her 14-15 year old brain. It is very sad that she is jealous of her own childrens' good fortune.

This kind of person, without intense therapy, will likely not change.

I'm sorry that this happened again - you gave it your best. I hope that your future without her brings you happiness and peace.

Thank you. Yes, I gave it everything I had, esp the last few years.

I'm going down, but I'm going down swinging.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 7:02 PM, Monday, February 14th]

Your stbx is a walking disaster. Just gross. She is much better suited to be with a man who would hook up with a married woman in the back of a car than with you. She doesn't want to change. This is who she is. She will never be who you thought you married and I'm angry for you that she stole so much time from you after you gave her an out. She is the definition of selfish. Let her go, make sure your family knows the true story, without the dirty details if you prefer, and walk away.

She will never find what she thinks she is looking for. She sounds like she stopped maturing around age 13. Luckily that's not your problem. And never ever let her make it your problem. GRAY ROCK. She will absolutely try to make her walking disaster life your fault and your problem. Obviously.

You will find happiness, and it will probably happen quicker than you imagine once she's out of your life.

I'm so very sorry that you're hurting.

Funny thing is, people who know her outside of the home think she's a wonderful person - warm, caring, a terrific mom, someone who goes above and beyond to help others. And she does all that. But inside the home, she's what I've told you.

She definitely suffers from what I call the "Poor Me Syndrome."

Your description people's perception of her is very very typical of emotionally immature adults. There are lots of books on this. I'm sure if your children read about having emotionally immature parents, they'd think it was written about their mom.

People with a personality disorder or extreme emotional immaturity (like her) don't change. She knows that people out in the world won't put up with her behavior so she wears a mask. She takes that mask of for you and her children and expects you to just deal with it. You don't have to. It's not healthy, it's not ok and it's definitely not your fault. At this point, you ha e no reason to try to figure her out. You gave it your all and she didn't care. She hurt you on purpose because she wanted to and because she is searching for fulfillment that she will never find because she wants it from other people. Hopefully you get to a point of indifference towards her and can see her pathetic behavior for what it is.

OP - sorry you find yourself here and D becomes the only viable option for you. Your WW will most definitely will re-write your martial history in order to justify her cheating when the divorce occurs and people start asking questions. I am not saying you care what other people will say about you but good to mentally prepare for that crap which will sure come your way.

good luck and sending strength.

If you don’t mind answering, who’s the OM? Co-worker?Random? Married?

Look up covert narcissism

clouds777

Your description people's perception of her is very very typical of emotionally immature adults. There are lots of books on this. I'm sure if your children read about having emotionally immature parents, they'd think it was written about their mom.

Really? I'd love to read some of that - it would be very enlightening.
Got any good links?

wanttobebetter -

OP - sorry you find yourself here and D becomes the only viable option for you. Your WW will most definitely will re-write your martial history in order to justify her cheating when the divorce occurs and people start asking questions. I am not saying you care what other people will say about you but good to mentally prepare for that crap which will sure come your way.

good luck and sending strength.

The revisionist history has already been written. But I know better, and I do have receipts....

toby -

If you don’t mind answering, who’s the OM? Co-worker?Random? Married?

He is a co-worker -- married -- to another co-worker.

Cooley2here

Look up covert narcissism

I suspected some form of narcissism, I will look that up. Thanks!

Here is the one off the top of my head. There are more. This applies to my life and I have listened to it more than once.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents
Book by Lindsay C. Gibson

I'm sorry it came to this, but your WW is a Serial Cheater and I always suggest D when it comes to those and LTAs, based on what you posted she seems like an entitled brat and who is not even remorseful, good riddance. Just curious, have you expose the A to her family and OBS yet ?, also don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

Buster123

I'm sorry it came to this, but your WW is a Serial Cheater and I always suggest D when it comes to those and LTAs, based on what you posted she seems like an entitled brat and who is not even remorseful, good riddance. Just curious, have you expose the A to her family and OBS yet ?, also don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

Agreed on the first part. I'm pretty well settled on divorce.

I haven't told her family, all she has left is her Dad and a sister, I don't really talk to them much, but I'll tell him at least at some point. I've reached out to the OBS but she hasn't responded. I'll send another email in a couple of days with details and then leave her alone if I don't hear anything back.

I'll send another email in a couple of days with details and then leave her alone if I don't hear anything back.

I would HIGHLY suggest calling her. Emails and common mail can be easily intercepted.

I would HIGHLY suggest calling her. Emails and common mail can be easily intercepted.

I sent it to her work email, so I assumed it would be safer, but if he's got his shit together he may well have access to it.
I can try calling her at work and leaving a voicemail. Should I tell her of the affair on the voicemail, or just ask her to call me back?

And so tonight I told her I wanted to D.

We hugged, we cried. She understood, we talked wistfully about how we wish things were different.

I asked her "Didn't you realize that this was going to happen when you were doing it?"

She did, but she is still very upset.

I feel bad, I still love this woman, but I cannot be with her anymore. I don't want to do this, but I have to.

A few years down the road, I'll feel better knowing I'm free of her.

A few years down the road, she'll wish she didn't let a good man go.

Happy Valentine's Day.
This sucks.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 1:03 AM, Tuesday, February 15th]

I am sorry you are going through this again! Serial cheater for sure. I can relate a little my WH claimed to be hanging out with friends while he was having an affair. WH said he just wanted to have fun, he didn’t get to do this as a younger guy being in the military and his first marriage. I felt for him because I did get so do the college stuff and clubbing.

Well little did I know my 50 year old WH was having an affair with his 26 year old cOW! Well he definitely loving it up like a 20 year old. He now lives with her and her 20 something year old roommate. And to boot, he proposed before I served him with S/D papers. Because he was the one that wanted the D but did nothing about it!

I am learning and growing during this bumpy ride, while taking care of OUR 3 kids he forgot he had.

I know D is your option right now. While it may be the best option I am sure it still hurts, even though a new chapter will be starting for you.

R u still playing in your band? Hopefully that will keep you moving forward. You deserve happiness!

(((Hugs))) Faithfinder

PS what kind of music does your band play?

Thank you, I'm sorry you have gone through the same. It sucks, doesn't it.
The band is on hiatus at the moment, but I've got a few irons in the fire to keep me playing.
We play classic rock with horns - Chicago, etc (I play trumpet)
Thanks for the hugs, sending some your way too (((hugs)))!!

I’m very sorry to hear this wantnomore, but sadly not surprised. This is the thing that is always in the back of my mind. My WW are in R and things are…good, but I am a different person. Outwardly, there isn’t anything different about me, but inside, completely changed, and sometimes, feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I wouldn’t see any road to R in your case. Your WW is a very broken person and isn’t worthy of R with you. I read a lot of this and other forums and there are many stories very similar to yours where the BH doesn’t feel life will ever be as good.

From what I’ve read, about a year or two after separation and D, the BH’s are doing very well. There definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will not be easy, but feel it will be worth it for you!